peacesoul

I haven't been on much lately, just reading here and there. Today my soon to be ex had planned to pick up our daughter and take her to the movies. Once he got to the house, he went back outside to his truck and smoked weed. (As far as I can tell/what he says is that he hasn't drank since early December, but has been smoking week probably everyday).
So I walked out there and told him that going to the movies wasn't a good idea, I wasn't going to let him drive with her after getting high etc.
Why do I feel like I need support/reassurance when I know I did the right thing?
This re-affirms my need for the separation agreement to include with me and visitation with him as a 'may include' so I can use my judgment as to when he is in a decent frame of mind to parent her.
The agreement includes him leaving the house June 1st, countdown is on for that peaceful home that I hear so much about.
I have an apt w/ my counselor this week, which once again I'm feeling I need!
thanks for the place to write/vent

peacesoul

And he usually picks her up from daycare 3-4 days per week and brings her home. Like I told him today, I didn't think we had this issue (of him driving with her after getting high), and I said for him to let me know if he can't pick her up after daycare sober. Don't know if he agrees/cares, and don't know if I'm willing to try to force the issue of other transportation for her. I don't know.

kudzujean

I can tell you right now you did the right thing. I totally support you in this.

As someone whose father drove me and a sibling around when he was going to buy booze, I feel strongly about this.

choublak

And you trust that he'll do this?

peacesoul

that's what I'm unsure about, no I don't know if he'll not drive after smoking weed. And guiltily I am rationalizing for a few reasons: it will be harder on my life if I have to somehow figure out alternative transport. And the lashing out from him if I somehow try to self or by-court enforce him not driving with her. And that it's only a few miles between care and home blah blah blah.
Only have a minute now, will check back later. Thanks, I have some thinking to do

AnvilheadII

if this was anyone else that you were considering allowing to drive a motorized vehicle with your precious child inside....would the decision be so difficult? under the influence is just that. as it was when he came TO your house to pick up the child, he went back out to his car and got high. he couldn't even leave the pot behind, had to bring it with him. has it in the truck. possibly smoking WITH her in the truck with him, driving with the knee taking a hit off the pipe. (ask me how I know this....).

he shouldn't get a special pass cuz he's the dad. in fact he should be held to a tighter standard!!!

peacesoul

wow anvilhead I had not thought about that. You're right, anyone else I would not second guess myself or a decision at all.
Yes, higher standard would be nice, although like I keep having to answer to my mom about what 'should be' doesn't mean it's going to happen.
I think I will text him about how it is vital he be sober when driving her (even pot, since he has been such a long term smoker he believes it's basically not an influence), and if he cannot be, I will arrange a different pickup schedule.
That's what he said to me today, 'it was just 2 hits' haha, like you said, I would never ever think that's even marginally okay with anyone else. That's what long-term relationship with manipulation does to one's ability to have confidence in what is right or even okay. ugh, sad a bit.

hopeful4

Please do not let you child ride with anyone under the influence, no matter who it is.

lillamy

Wise words from Anvil there.

Actually, it was something like that that opened my eyes a great deal. Might even have been Anvil. Someone asked me "If a stranger treated you and your children like your AXH -- would you make excuses for them?"

For some things, there is no possible excuse. Driving under the influence is one of them. Driving under the influence with children in the car, doubly so.

I would not trust an addict to be sober "just" to pick up a child.

choublak

I was talking about trusting that he'll call you each and every time he's not sober, to let you know he can't pick her up.

peacesoul

just an update: I did manage to say a few sentences to him last night, that he needed to understand that picking her up from school after smoking etc was not okay, and he said 'yeah of course'. My daughter was sick today, but as week goes on and she goes to school, I intend to let him pick her up.
I went to my counselor today and talked with her. It is basically a matter of risks and me deciding whether to upset the apple cart by trying/demanding that he never drive with her. Including trying the court and legal route, which would probably further alienate him (if he doesn't pick her up, prob would see her much less). And the courts are unpredictable too.
So, the pickup plan hasn't changed at this point.
It would be lovely if the circumstances allowed me to say never to take even the tiniest of chances, but ultimately, I can only control so much.
I feel better and comfortable with my decision, but am nervous that you all are going to crucify me :/
thanks and i'll check in again after kiddo bedtime

Chelsea1029

I haven't let my AH drive my kids since he did drive after drinking one night. It's very inconvenient for me to do all the transporting. If I do agree at some point it will only be after a breathalyzer.
I would never forgive myself if something happened to them and I knew he wasn't safe to drive.

PippiLngstockng

If I could go back in time, I'd have called the police last time he drove drunk with a child in the car.

That way there's evidence to use in court so the judge might order he can't drive with them at all.

Would have saved me soooo much worry now.

Every way I went easy on him when he messed up ( violent to me, dangerius with the children) makes my and the children's lives more unprotected now.

wanttobehealthy

100% agree

hopeful4

This is what ultimately ended my marriage last Friday. Had I not caught him first, he would have drank and then picked up my daughter from school. He was trying to say in his drunken stupor later on that it is normal to have a drink and do so and that other people do it all the time. My kids heard him say all of this and they were so hurt that he could not even agree to not drink and drive them in a car. That is a deal breaker for me, if anything happens to them I could not bear it.

Be strong and protect your children.

sllyappl

Great post. This has also been my concern as well for my dd. I don't want her dad driving around with her. From those of you that have been through this what are some ideas or legal means of protecting the kids. I'm looking for suggestions and ideas from those who have been there. I feel very naive. I don't even know what I don't know--at least that's how I feel.