Finally kicked him out...

Old 03-15-2014, 08:19 PM
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Finally kicked him out...

I'm new here, and have been lurking/reading for days. I've been married for 4 years. He was an active alcoholic when we married, but hid it very well. I don't really see myself as co-dependent but after these last 4 years who the heck knows anymore! My AH husband did the rehab thing- stayed clean for a while and then began using prescription pills. I wish I could say this started as a result of an injury, but it wasn't. I own a company and he works in the field. He began hiding money, cashing checks and not telling me about many side jobs. He took from our family's income and often money came up missing in the house. This man has had several emotional affairs and has completely destroyed my trust. I had a baby recently, and I have basically been the primary care giver. My AH often makes excuses to go here, or there and has only recently showed interest in our baby. Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago he took money from my business again. This was my last straw and has gotten me to where I am at today. He's finally out of the house! My house is so much more peaceful. My kids seem much more relaxed. Heck even the animals see more at ease.

Tonight I found myself extremely angry with him. He lies constantly and it's really made me question my entire relationship and my life for the last 4 years. I know he isn't going to change because he's only getting worse. I'm so over him never taking responsibility and trying to guilt me or blame me for his drama. I have been setting boundaries and that seems to help. However, when he came by tonight I let him get me upset. I fought back the tears while he was here, but haven't been the same since. ;(

I plan on filing for a divorce this next week. So my question is how do I stop letting him get me so mad? I still have to somewhat talk to him because of the business, but part of me wants to fire him due to all of his lies and stealing.
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Old 03-15-2014, 08:35 PM
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I am so sorry you and your family is being put through this. You sound as though you have your priorities in the right place, with the children. They are innocent victims in a case like this so please do your best to protect them.

If he was working somewhere else, he would have been fired...IMMEDIATELY! Is there some skill he has that makes him the only person qualified to do the job? It sure sounds like he should be let go. Protecting your business is also going to protect your children.
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Old 03-15-2014, 08:38 PM
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Yes he absolutely would have been fired. After I meet with my attorney, this will be set in motion. for the time being I guess I just continue to collect data and try to not let him make me crazy!! (That's a very hard thing to do!)
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Old 03-15-2014, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Timeforachange1 View Post
So my question is how do I stop letting him get me so mad?
Hi Time, and Welcome.

I recommend reading up on detachment (there are many threads here), and also "quacking", which is the crap that active alcoholics spew around to deflect and deny their behavior.

Although I was mortified, because I though my A was different, or special, reading those threads helped me realize that my struggles and unhealthy dynamic was very similar to others. I learned I was being manipulated, I learned that my A was protecting his addiction at ALL COSTS, and I learned that I did NOT have to play along or buy into any of it.

Sorry you are dealing with this, but you have come to the right place. We all understand your heartache, and disappointment.
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Old 03-15-2014, 08:47 PM
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Can I search detachment or do I have to just scan through?
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Old 03-15-2014, 08:52 PM
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Just found an amazing thread, not sure how to post link. Go to the New 12 Step Support for Friends and Family section, and find a post entitled Detachment by Cynical One.

Hope you find it!

And yes, you can run a general search, too - but you'll get a million hits.
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:36 PM
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So I took the advice and read about quaking and detachment. My AH absolutely is manipulative and quacks like the largest duck on earth! I truly do not believe he has any intentions of living a sober lifestyle which makes me deeply sad for our newborn son, but I guess that's his choice. Tonight he demanded that he will take out son next weekend and spend time with him; however, I do not trust him alone with him. I don't have temporary custody yet and it terrifies me of what he may do. I feel like if I am just not home next weekend that I will be accused of "controlling" the situation. In reality I really don't give a s#** what he thinks because my baby will be safe. In reality, I'm very scared my son will learn my AHs horrible coping skills and personality traits. Honestly, I would prefer to keep my son as far away from AH as long as he continues to exhibit his NPD symptoms. I work in mental health and my AH likes to use that against me. I used to become offensive of his transference but now just smile and think 'wow I hit that one in the head' this time. . I know what I tell people at my job... It's just completely different when it's you and your emotionally involved. I guess I need to stop being so quick tempered and just learn to smile and not say anything in the heat of the moment. As far as my company, I am going to follow through and fire him. Tonight he was complaining about his phone not being paid, and It felt good to redirect his blame shifting by reminding him that he chose not to pay his bill with the recent sum of $ he took from the company. (He took enough to pay his phone for a year!) so in the end- I know I'm not crazy (like he would like to say I am and make me believe I am). I am however exhausted and emotionally depleted from this 4 year roller coaster ride with him. He will likely become homeless which is a consequence of his choices. So I plan on taking it one day at a time. I'm strong and if I can live with him and all of his drama, then I know I can live without him with little drama!
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:45 PM
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Hi timeforachange, it will be a huge relief to have the large duck out of your company, and put someone in there who contributes to your bottom line. If he has access to money I imagine it will be a complicated process, but I'm sure you and your attorney are capable.
If you can afford it, consider getting some reliable help to see you through this period. You've taken on a lot, with the baby, the business and your marriage. I don't know you, but if you have the tendency to want to do it all, try to overcome it for your own sake. Maybe you have a relative you trust who can lend a hand with the family side of things?
It's possible to ask your husband to take a drug/alcohol test before he sees the children unsupervised, or maybe a relative could stand in for you?
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Old 03-16-2014, 01:18 AM
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You shouldn't stop at firing him. Have him arrested. This assumes he is not a signer on the company's checking account.
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Old 03-16-2014, 05:59 AM
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A skilled lawyer is important, because there's a good chance once you put the divorce and firing in motion he will sue both for custody and child support and possibly half the business/assets/property as well. Addictions protect themselves and use any means available, so be ready.
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:13 AM
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Well maybe this is where I will begin to appear controlling... I own the company and he is not listed on that company. Therefore, all the banking etc is mine responsibility. This company was set up this way because he was facing his 4th DUI charge and was looking at prison. However, a skilled lawyer kept him out. Regardless the business is mine. The house and all the assets are only in my name. He has not (on paper) made 1.00 since we married because everything is channeled through me. My AH has burned every bridge. His parents won't help, his brothers also exhibit similar A behaviors and don't have anything to help him financially. So I know he will cause a stink but he has no financial means to fight me legally. well maybe if he wins the lotto.. LOL

I'm scared I will lose my assets, or some of them, that is why I haven't filed criminal charges. Yes this is not right, but I intend on using his past theft as grounds to keep the assets I currently have. I have another business that actually purchased everything aside from this one he works for. So, so, so many layers of crap to peel back!
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:44 AM
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Timeforachange, Welcome to SR! Thanks for sharing your own story a bit here.

Take the time to strategize a bit as it may be worthwhile in relation to custody.

Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion in your situation. I think you have acted with a lot of safety mechanisms in regards to your business and assets. Kudos!

As for Codie label, your H hid his initial addiction. You seem to have caught on fast and kicking him out in just 4 years is impressive IMO. A feisty Michigander. Love u already!
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Old 03-16-2014, 07:00 AM
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Sorry you are going through this. You sound like a very strong person though and you are doing the right thing for you and your family. From what I have experienced, the anger is typical and some days are harder than others to not respond and detach. Keep reading it really helps!
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