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Trying to stay positive, and then WHAM...

Old 03-14-2014, 11:15 PM
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Unhappy Trying to stay positive, and then WHAM...

I've been doing really well with turning around my own "Stinking Thinking" when i start to feel bad, but tonight I'm really struggling. I've turned to this forum and another site that I go to since I don't have a sponsor, and it's 1:00 in the morning...

I'm so depressed tonight, and I've been struggling against it all evening. I've taken all of the advice I'd give a beloved friend if they were in my situation, within my own emotion limitations, of course. I've done things JUST FOR ME. I've focused on things that make ME feel good, and yet I find myself incredibly depressed and crying.

It's been 3 weeks since I've moved into my own place, and I'm still very glad that I did. Originally we were going to try to maintain our relationship, but his actions have shown me that I'm just not worth the "time" it would take for him. He can not make time to see me, and texting seems to be all he has time for...and only when he isn't busy socializing. He updates me on the positives on the days he isn't drinking...and even though we've officially ended it, there seems to be absolutely NO difference in the way we communicate with the exception of the "I love you" texts (there are no more of those). It just makes me realize that we never DID have the kind of loving relationship I thought we had. We just had a friendship with some physical benefits.

This just makes me all the more sad and feel even more pathetic. I'm mourning the loss of something that was never really even THERE...I just wanted it so bad that I MADE MYSELF BELIEVE that it was.

It's been a very tough week between work and a 3 day migraine. I'm sad and I'm depressed. I've been fighting the depression every day...I wake up and have to struggle against the mental traps that try to suck me back into it - and it's EXHAUSTING. My heart just feels so...empty....All I wanted was to feel special and important and I realize that I was nothing more than a means to an end...that's all I EVER was to him.

Nobody has ever made me feel as wonderful as he used to...and nobody has ever hurt me more. I guess I am just reaching out because right now I'm just not strong enough to give myself yet another Pep Talk...I've given myself THOUSANDS in the past 3 weeks. I don't have enough strength for another one tonight.
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Old 03-15-2014, 02:55 AM
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Right there with you...

This stuff is hard, and it hurts. I've made mistakes (plenty!) about who to share my life with, and love with. But crying is a good thing (even when it doesn't feel that way). It is early days for you yet from the end of this relationship, and you need to heal.

May be wise to stop contact with him for now - only you can know if that's something you can do, and if or when it'll be good for you to re-initiate any contact. I've found that with some people, it is far better for my own well-being to just let them go. There's a difference between pain and torment, and I'd chose good, clean pain, any day. To get to that, I've had to step out of the ring.

I've found this gives me space to focus on my own recovery, sort out the scramble in my head, and invest my energy in the person who most needs my love right now - me!

Wish you well
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Old 03-15-2014, 03:30 AM
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Melly--as Pipefish just said---it has been a very short time. You are grieving. Grief feels the same--whether the relationship were healthy or toxic for you. Go figure! When we invested ourselves--the loss just plain hurts.

Go ahead and cry--that is mother nature's release valve. Go ahead and feel the pain and emotions--the anger, the sadness, the loneliness. I venture to say that everyone on this forum has been in your exact shoes. I have.

You will get through this. It will pass. It is short-term pain for long-term gain.

Keep posting--and vent anytime you need to. You are not alone!

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Old 03-15-2014, 06:14 AM
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So sorry...those days are hard but hopefully come fewer are farther between eventually. My best days are those of no contact. I also struggle when I think about myself wanting to believe the relationship was more or better than it was. You will get through this rough time you are very strong.
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:11 PM
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How are you feeling today Mellybug? I'm sorry you were having a hard time a few days ago. I can only tell you what I did when I have a hard time.

I feel. I feel every feeling as lousy as it is and journal it.
I write out how the pain in my head starts all the way to my feet.
I acknowledge the feeling and do my best to understand why the feeling has triggered and then I dismiss it as wasted energy.
This has helped me out because I am not trying to push the feeling away. I look at it as a two magnets backwards and trying to get close. They won't ever touch no matter what I do. But if I turn them around they come together.
I hope you are feeling better.
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Old 03-16-2014, 07:03 PM
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Thank you, Radiant

Yesterday I had my best friend come over and we ran errands, did a temporary fix on my bathtub surround, watched movies, had dinner...and he crashed on the couch. This morning we got up, did some more cleaning in my apartment, had lunch, and I dropped him off.

This morning I saw on FB that my XABF had just re"Friended" a gal that had come between us twice before. She and I had a terrible fall out when I found messages on his phone between he and her...where she was saying some really horrible things about me (she was supposedly my friend at the time), and he was saying things that I thought were inappropriate and dishonoring to our relationship. I had said to her that I saw the messages, and that I was sorry that he had misrepresented our relationship to her, and their relationship to me - and that she has such a low opinion of me. I wished her well in her life. That's it - and she went OFF on me, complete with F-bombs...and then went off on him.
So, now they're back as friends again, and this truly is my last straw. I want absolutely nothing to do with him if she's going to be back in his life...and I believe he knows this. He knows how I feel about her...all she does is use people. She's a drug addict and a dealer to boot.
I was really depressed about it most of the day, but the tears actually never managed to fall today. I teared up a few times, but they didn't fall. That's progress, right? LOL

I haven't heard from him since Friday afternoon. I will contact him one last time to go get the rest of my things from his house, and then I will go on complete "No Contact" with him. It's for the best...since when he does contact me and is being sweet it just keeps me from moving on.

I've been reading my literature, visiting my support group sites, and journaling. It's all helped me quite a bit.

Thank you for checking in...as much as my friends have urged me to leave him and said they would be there, they all have such busy lives that I just don't feel like I "fit in". So, I spend a lot of time alone.
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Old 03-17-2014, 03:44 AM
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Sounds like going no contact with him is a great idea.

Especially since he is in contact with someone who is as you describe,

"She's a drug addict and a dealer to boot."

You might end up in trouble with the law just by association, even though you have done nothing.
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Old 03-17-2014, 05:38 AM
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Originally Posted by kudzujean View Post
Sounds like going no contact with him is a great idea.
This ^^^. What purpose does it serve for you to keep tabs on him, text him, accept his texts, check FB for news about him? This is absolutely not staying on your side of the street. You are only making yourself feel worse.

I understand you feel bad, you're lonesome, you're in a tough place right now, and I'm sorry for that, but it's temporary pain for long-term gain. It seems to me like maybe you're keeping the lines of communication open b/c A) you hope he will miraculously turn into the person you want him to be (not too likely, sadly) and return to you, admitting his mistakes, or B) he will crash and burn, thereby justifying your leaving him. Again, I understand both of these things, hoping for a miracle as well as wanting confirmation that leaving was the right thing to do. However, both of those take the focus off of YOU, where it should be.

Let him go, Melly; turn him over to his HP--none of us can know what the future holds for our A's, any more than we can know what it holds for ourselves. Keep your energies and focus on your own new life. One day at a time. You'll get there.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 03-17-2014, 05:38 AM
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I think you handled the prior situation with this other friend very well. You honored yourself by being so respectful, and she is the one who dishonored herself by going off with all the f-bombs.

One spring and summer, I went through the final part of divorce, graduated from college, was accepted into graduate school, and moved half-way across the country. No husband, no local friends, tiny apartment in a town I did not know. I spent a lot of time by myself--at first.

Once I sort of got the 'lay of the land' I went out and explored the local area more, went to museums, festivals, made friends. Things really did get much better!

I think this will happen for you, too! Give yourself a bit of time. It has only been a couple of months, right? Is there something you have always wanted to try, art, craft, rock climbing? I think once you open your horizons just a bit and make additional friends, your whole world will open up!!

Sending hugs and good thoughts and prayers, S
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Old 03-17-2014, 07:18 AM
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No contact will help you. This girl isn't your friend, so I would keep your distance.
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Old 03-17-2014, 07:31 AM
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HI Melly.

I just wanted to let you know that I support you, I know it is hard but you are doing the right thing.

I hope you have a peaceful day.
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Old 03-17-2014, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
This ^^^. What purpose does it serve for you to keep tabs on him, text him, accept his texts, check FB for news about him? This is absolutely not staying on your side of the street. You are only making yourself feel worse.

I understand you feel bad, you're lonesome, you're in a tough place right now, and I'm sorry for that, but it's temporary pain for long-term gain. It seems to me like maybe you're keeping the lines of communication open b/c A) you hope he will miraculously turn into the person you want him to be (not too likely, sadly) and return to you, admitting his mistakes, or B) he will crash and burn, thereby justifying your leaving him. Again, I understand both of these things, hoping for a miracle as well as wanting confirmation that leaving was the right thing to do. However, both of those take the focus off of YOU, where it should be.

Let him go, Melly; turn him over to his HP--none of us can know what the future holds for our A's, any more than we can know what it holds for ourselves. Keep your energies and focus on your own new life. One day at a time. You'll get there.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
Just to clarify on the FB front - I'm not very "savvy" when it comes to that, so I hadn't realized I could "Unfollow" someone's feed. I did not go looking for information - and I regularly skip over feeds when I see his name in the "...with" portion. I had just opened my FB yesterday morning and the first thing that I saw was "XABF is now friends with Frenemy."

The only reason at this moment for ANY contact is that I still have things at his place - which I have arranged to come and get tonight. After that there is NO reason for us to continue to have any interaction as far as I'm concerned.

I admit that I hadn't removed the rest of my things because I've been A) lazy - I've moved SO much up the stairs to my new place that I just wasn't looking forward to driving all the way over to his place, loading up the car, driving home and then taking everything up the stairs again, and B) apprehensive about seeing him until I was in an emotionally better place and it didn't hurt so much. The last thing I wanted was a weak moment in front of him....

Since today is the 4 year anniversary of our first "date" - which he was an hour later for - I think it's the PERFECT day to release it all!
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Old 03-17-2014, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Mellybug View Post
Since today is the 4 year anniversary of our first "date" - which he was an hour later for - I think it's the PERFECT day to release it all!
Happy NEW anniversary! And also, congrats on figuring out how to unfollow on FB--kind of a symbolic thing on your anniversary day also, wouldn't you say?

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Old 03-17-2014, 10:37 AM
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Thanks, honeypig! What an awesome way to look at things. 4 years ago I stupidly gave myself away to this person, and on the very same anniversary date - I'M TAKING MYSELF BACK!
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Old 03-17-2014, 11:09 AM
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It sounds as if you may now be feeling the grief associated with your split. You are moving through the stages. At first you feel sort of numb and then when the dust settles, you begin to work through your feelings. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).It's ok to feel sad, depressed, in mourning, down on life etc. You are feeling the loss of the relationship you had with him. I know for me, I feel the same way although I havent officially left yet. I have asked for divorce but I'm in the waiting game until things are final. I know I will be exactly where you are when I do finally leave. Even now, I go through waves of feelling good and optomistic for the future and then very sad and depressed.

Ive been reading a lot of al-anon literature. "Opening our hearts,transforming our losses" is a good book that deals with grief. What I've learned is to allow myself to feel those feelings because it is what I need to heal. I've spent many years repressing the sadness and ignoring the grief of the changed relationship. It didn't happen overnight and Im sure your situation didnt either. My AH slowly became a different person and it IS sad that he is no longer the man I married. It is OK to allow myself to feel that sadness and mourn the relationship and the person he was. It is OK for you to do so too. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. Its way too soon to be able to tell if your relationship is going to work. Ive read to give it at least a year of sobriety before attempting to rekindle things. More will be revealed.Just focus on your own recovery and whatever will be will be.
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Old 03-17-2014, 02:40 PM
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My heart breaks for both of us. I know. I feel it. And it hurts so damn bad. But we keep getting up and keep moving and keep doing what we need to and one day, it wont anymore. it just wont. Just wait for that day



It does help knowing we aren't alone in our feelings.
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