Dry Drunk
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Dry Drunk
When an A is a dry drunk and they go on a tear and destroy their life - what are they thinking about? In reading up about alcoholism, the focus is on the concept of craving the drug/alcohol over everything else. But when someone is a dry drunk, what's going on in their head?
How long do benders last for a dry drunk?
How long do benders last for a dry drunk?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
My husband was a dry drunk for about a month, then he relapsed and was a huge douche for about a week after that. Once he started going to therapy twice a week, using Soberlink several times a day, actually initiating contact with his sponsor and attending meetings daily then he stopped acting like a dry drunk.
He doesn't crave alcohol though. For him its an extreme coping mechanism when ever he feels anxiety or stress. He habitually turned to alcohol when he was bored on long commutes too (because drinking during a long drive makes so much sense.) He's slowly learning new ways to deal with the less savory parts of life and forming new habits. When he was a dry drunk he ONLY stopped drinking, he wasn't actively trying to fix the stuff that made him want to drink in the first place. He also still has an alcoholic voice too that occasionally tells him that he could have a beer and it wouldn't hurt anything.
He doesn't crave alcohol though. For him its an extreme coping mechanism when ever he feels anxiety or stress. He habitually turned to alcohol when he was bored on long commutes too (because drinking during a long drive makes so much sense.) He's slowly learning new ways to deal with the less savory parts of life and forming new habits. When he was a dry drunk he ONLY stopped drinking, he wasn't actively trying to fix the stuff that made him want to drink in the first place. He also still has an alcoholic voice too that occasionally tells him that he could have a beer and it wouldn't hurt anything.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I hate that phrase "dry drunk". It feels demeaning to someone like me who feels like they have struggled, kicked, screamed, white knuckled, cried, failed, and failed, and failed, tried again and again and again, and now fought through 40 days sober. Dry drunk???
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
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People use this term incorrectly IMHO. In the early days of AA, some drunks recovered but they had neurological damage from drinking (google up alcoholic neuropathy) which lasted for months and to some was permanent. As a result they were very clumsy when walking or performing other tasks, and they often ran into things (walls, door jambs, furniture) even though they had not had a drink for months or even years. This is the origin of this term.
Somehow this has evolved over time to mean someone who is not drinking, but also is not practicing any program of recovery and still exhibits all the selfishness and self-centeredness of a drunk in the middle of a bender.
Somehow this has evolved over time to mean someone who is not drinking, but also is not practicing any program of recovery and still exhibits all the selfishness and self-centeredness of a drunk in the middle of a bender.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I've read a fair amount on dry drunk. As much as I'd like to use this moniker it does not fit my RAH. He does many many things right. I think it is used to diss on those not in formal AA or those who were halfhearted about AA and then a relapse is blamed on lack of buy in.
What does my RAH do right, he survived months of job hunting without drinking, he got a job, he goes every day. The job is a no brainier and the pay is half of what he used to make but he goes there and excels. He stays busy with chores. He has done all kinds of tasks to keep himself occupied. He prays at least twice a day from religious and AA readers, he goes to church. He tries to do the things he used to do for fun without A. This is just what I see he may do other spiritual things I do not witness. Of course I can't observe him at work, but things sound positive. He is about 11 mo sober. A pretty excellent run from what I see on these boards. But he refuses the meetings, refuses to define himself as an A, refuses to work on intimacy issues, is emotionally closed off, refuses counseling for himself and for us. Refuses to talk and open up with me consistently. So a dry drunk? No I think he has made enormous strides and that term is pejorative. What made him become an A? Who the heck knows. Why is he not willing to work on further relationship growth? Maybe he is done too but just can't handle that truth. But inpatient rehab was 12 step based and he tells me he lives by those steps daily.
What does my RAH do right, he survived months of job hunting without drinking, he got a job, he goes every day. The job is a no brainier and the pay is half of what he used to make but he goes there and excels. He stays busy with chores. He has done all kinds of tasks to keep himself occupied. He prays at least twice a day from religious and AA readers, he goes to church. He tries to do the things he used to do for fun without A. This is just what I see he may do other spiritual things I do not witness. Of course I can't observe him at work, but things sound positive. He is about 11 mo sober. A pretty excellent run from what I see on these boards. But he refuses the meetings, refuses to define himself as an A, refuses to work on intimacy issues, is emotionally closed off, refuses counseling for himself and for us. Refuses to talk and open up with me consistently. So a dry drunk? No I think he has made enormous strides and that term is pejorative. What made him become an A? Who the heck knows. Why is he not willing to work on further relationship growth? Maybe he is done too but just can't handle that truth. But inpatient rehab was 12 step based and he tells me he lives by those steps daily.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by Raider 
I hate that phrase "dry drunk". It feels demeaning to someone like me who feels like they have struggled, kicked, screamed, white knuckled, cried, failed, and failed, and failed, tried again and again and again, and now fought through 40 days sober. Dry drunk???
I see that as a person that has stopped drinking but done nothing else. They carry around a superior attitude because they insist they do not need AA, treatment, detox, therapy or any other intervention.
They do not have any issues, drinking was the issue. They removed it and they are fine, they rest of the earth has a problem.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
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Codejob-I have been to a few AA meetings and there are surprisingly quite a few folks there, with many years of sobriety and recovery behind them, who tell how after being sober for a while, they decided they were sober but not happy. That is when they decided to look deeper and finally started get busy working the steps. The BB of alcoholics anonymous has promises of a life that is happy joyous and free, and a life unkike any other. If your husband attended AA meetings during rehab, he has heard those promises read at every meeting. It took my RABF about a year and a half of white knuckleing and slipping to selecting a sponsor who didnt push too hard for him to work the steps thoroughly...to finally getting a new sponsor in november, and embracing the steps! I have seen so many changes in him and there seems to be a peacefulness in the last few months, that wasnt there before! BUT there is still a bit of anger and wrestlessness below the surface. It is because there is still one thing that he says he is not ready to pull up and work thru because he feels it is still too painful to let go of. (Like holding on to it hurts less)
Codejob...Recovery is on their timeline...not ours. They have to be open and be sick of being sick and tired...not just settling, before they start to work for a life unlike any other. Patience and tolerance...progress not perfection.
Ps...i have heard recovered A's refer to themselves as "dry drunks" before they started working the steps and gaining recovery...! Many people here are against going to an AA meeting with their qualifier. I feel that if you go to an open meeting (with or without your qualifier) the knowledge of what others have gone thru and their struggles is so important to understanding what what is going on in our own journey with our A's. women are always complaining about their husbands who wint stop to ask for directions when they are lost, or read the directions when putting the new entertainment center together...I feel like AA meetings are the directions for understanding for both sides!
Codejob...Recovery is on their timeline...not ours. They have to be open and be sick of being sick and tired...not just settling, before they start to work for a life unlike any other. Patience and tolerance...progress not perfection.
Ps...i have heard recovered A's refer to themselves as "dry drunks" before they started working the steps and gaining recovery...! Many people here are against going to an AA meeting with their qualifier. I feel that if you go to an open meeting (with or without your qualifier) the knowledge of what others have gone thru and their struggles is so important to understanding what what is going on in our own journey with our A's. women are always complaining about their husbands who wint stop to ask for directions when they are lost, or read the directions when putting the new entertainment center together...I feel like AA meetings are the directions for understanding for both sides!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by involved
It is because there is still one thing that he says he is not ready to pull up and work thru because he feels it is still too painful to let go of. (Like holding on to it hurts less)
We don’t know, what we don’t know.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Raider
I hate that phrase "dry drunk". It feels demeaning to someone like me who feels like they have struggled, kicked, screamed, white knuckled, cried, failed, and failed, and failed, tried again and again and again, and now fought through 40 days sober. Dry drunk???
And it is clear you are sincerely trying. No grandiose bragging. No self-righteous justification.
If the shoe does not fit, do not put it on.
I guess you (and others) follow that DD it is just a "Shorthand" to describe a condition that otherwise takes hundreds of words?
Here is a sample:
What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics
Again, if THAT is not you (and yes, it is not you), THEN it is not you.
It would sort of be like someone calling me a "babykiller" for having been a troop and officer. In truth I was the XO of a Medical Unit that went around the world doing Medical Service for Civilians in remote, impoverished areas . . . that had been war zones a few years before. Sort of clean-up after babykilling maybe. Suppose even the US Military can have a guilty conscience or something. Dunno.
But back to you. It is not you, so maybe that is a Gratitude thing. I/we are grateful you are here. Really. Yes, Really. You would not likely even be here if you were DD-ing.
Is there a better term to describe the condition?
Alcoholic-Addict-Who-Is-Not-Drinking-But-Also-Not-Working-A-Program-and-is-a-Raging-Selfish-A-hole?
AAWISNDBANWAPAIARSA-hole for short?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by HSSH
When an A is a dry drunk and they go on a tear and destroy their life - what are they thinking about? In reading up about alcoholism, the focus is on the concept of craving the drug/alcohol over everything else. But when someone is a dry drunk, what's going on in their head?
How long do benders last for a dry drunk?
How long do benders last for a dry drunk?
As far as I can tell *we* only have to put up with it as long as we put up with it.
I see you have a very recent "join" date.
Here is some background info towards your question >>>
What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics
and to get some real understanding, it is hard to do better than the AA Big Book.
Free On Line . . . .
Big Book On Line - Table of Contents
By the time you to Chapter 5, "How it Works," you will likely be getting some real understanding.
Sorry if this has been asked -- You doing Alanon . . . FOR YOU?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by GracieLou
I wanted to comment on this. There were some things that were very painful in my life and it was not that it hurt to hang on to them as much as I had no idea the weight of burden I was carrying until I let it go.
We don’t know, what we don’t know.
We don’t know, what we don’t know.
I have accumulated almost 21/2 years of sober time (I had a six week lapse in August 2013) and I thought I had processed most of my crap.
Turns out I hadn't. My brother (who has lived on the other side of the world most of my life)
tried to get me to do something I didn't want to and used our old family techniques of guilt-tripping, manipulation, and outright bullying.
Boy did it trigger me and set some serious emotional baggage rolling around
in my no-booze-to-suppess it self
I had no idea I was still that hurt and upset about treatment which happened 40 plus years ago now, and how much I was still carrying.
Many of us who became alcohol abusers really did it to drown pain, not for fun or social reasons, though we often did do the latter too.
I really am getting that now, and wanting to drop this wormy corpse from the past for good and all. It has been long tiring road and a heavy burden.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Hammer- now that you have read the BB check out the 12 steps and 12 traditions! Its a more in depth look at the steps! It amazes me how the book adresses so many problems that are posted on this site...and how to understand them! I get a huge "OH YEAH! Thats why!"
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
For me, speaking strictly of my rAH...
He may not be drinking and IS working a program, but not fully embracing it with his whole being - this fits my description of some one who truly gets the concept of AA or whatever method.
He may not be drinking and IS working a program, but not fully embracing it with his whole being - this fits my description of some one who truly gets the concept of AA or whatever method.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
How long do benders last for a dry drunk?
I take the term to mean someone who is sober but hasn't seen self-improvement as a goal of recovery. People can quit without any kind of program, and do so everyday, but they continue to have issues with over the top ego activity, resentment, anger, etc, etc. A recovery program doesn't just help someone stop drinking, it helps them change improve as a person.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
a catch all term
Originally Posted by HSSH
But when someone is a dry drunk
it seems that it can mean so many things
that
thus
to me it means next to nothing
MB
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
This discussion brings to mind 2 women friends that I have Known for several decades. (I first met them in the workplace). They are both married to men who quit drinking decades ago. Their stories are that the drinking revealed itself to be problematic to the point that each threatened divorce if it didn't cease. I do know that the husbands do attend the occassional AA meeting.
The part that strikes me is that< personally, I find both of these men to be a bit "jerkish". Both of the wives still seem to be less than happy with their marriages. Yet, they have stayed all these years. It is like they have "settled" in order to stay married.
It is not my place to judge, of course. They made their own decisions (although they gripe behind their husband's backs).
The part that makes me shake my head is----how did these women tolerate living with self-centered A-holes all these years (dry or not)!!???
I'm just saying.....
(My alcoholics are genetically related to me--no chance of divorce to ease my pain)...LOL
dandylion
The part that strikes me is that< personally, I find both of these men to be a bit "jerkish". Both of the wives still seem to be less than happy with their marriages. Yet, they have stayed all these years. It is like they have "settled" in order to stay married.
It is not my place to judge, of course. They made their own decisions (although they gripe behind their husband's backs).
The part that makes me shake my head is----how did these women tolerate living with self-centered A-holes all these years (dry or not)!!???
I'm just saying.....
(My alcoholics are genetically related to me--no chance of divorce to ease my pain)...LOL
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
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Alcoholic-Addict-Who-Is-Not-Drinking-But-Also-Not-Working-A-Program-and-is-a-Raging-Selfish-A-hole?
That made me laugh Hammer!
Sorry I lashed out and took the post personally.
But I need to be clear. I do not work a formal program like AA or CR or any of that. I am on SR a lot, and I pray a lot. I have done a lot of searching about any past trauma in my life. Searching for reasons that I drank so much. I'm not sure that past experiences are the only reasons people drink. If there is one thing this site will tell you, is there is no one size fits all with this disease. I talked to a man yesterday who runs a rehab here in Utah. (Not one I could ever afford, BTW). His rehab does not take adolescents, and there is no program there that lasts less than 90 days. All that to say, I respect his opinion. He has spent his whole life running rehabs. This is his response to my question, is past trauma the reason why I drink:
"That certainly not true for everyone. I have a brother who was raised in a family where there was no abuse, parents are still married and had a really positive upbringing and got heavily involved in drug and alcohol abuse. Substance-abuse however is ALMOST always a symptom of something else going on. As human beings we have a tendency to self medicate. The addiction process is a process of becoming accustomed to being able to control our emotional experience. Sometimes the trauma we're trying to medicate is simply the fact that we have been living in a way that is not consistent with our values."
This rings true for me. When I drink, I do not pray much. And when I did I begged God to forgive me for my drinking, even knowing I was going to drink again. It was painful. I don't have that pain now.
Long post. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next month. I will explore further reasons for my drinking.
Thanks for reading.....
Love ya' bunches!!!!!
That made me laugh Hammer!
Sorry I lashed out and took the post personally.
But I need to be clear. I do not work a formal program like AA or CR or any of that. I am on SR a lot, and I pray a lot. I have done a lot of searching about any past trauma in my life. Searching for reasons that I drank so much. I'm not sure that past experiences are the only reasons people drink. If there is one thing this site will tell you, is there is no one size fits all with this disease. I talked to a man yesterday who runs a rehab here in Utah. (Not one I could ever afford, BTW). His rehab does not take adolescents, and there is no program there that lasts less than 90 days. All that to say, I respect his opinion. He has spent his whole life running rehabs. This is his response to my question, is past trauma the reason why I drink:
"That certainly not true for everyone. I have a brother who was raised in a family where there was no abuse, parents are still married and had a really positive upbringing and got heavily involved in drug and alcohol abuse. Substance-abuse however is ALMOST always a symptom of something else going on. As human beings we have a tendency to self medicate. The addiction process is a process of becoming accustomed to being able to control our emotional experience. Sometimes the trauma we're trying to medicate is simply the fact that we have been living in a way that is not consistent with our values."
This rings true for me. When I drink, I do not pray much. And when I did I begged God to forgive me for my drinking, even knowing I was going to drink again. It was painful. I don't have that pain now.
Long post. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next month. I will explore further reasons for my drinking.
Thanks for reading.....
Love ya' bunches!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Raider--(I'm hoping that I am not invading the origional thread-I think this pplies?).
I agree that the origin of the drinking begins to "control our emotional experience"--then, biology takes over.
I am thinking of a few very close girl friends that I have had. These women are cleaning nuts---if all the socks in the drawer are not pointing in the same direction---they can't sleep at night. Cleaning the house makes them actually feel good!! When disaster strikes--they grab for the vacume cleaner. I have absolutely no doubt that if they were introduced to alcohol as teenagers---they would be hitting the bottle like big dogs!! I swear--they are no better adjusted in their lives than I am.
Actually, if eating asparagus made us feel good inside---many of us would be peeing green urine all the time. And the government would regulate and tax asparagus.
Ok.---I am just rambling here, this morning.......
dandylion
P.S. (I don't even have a sock drawer)
I agree that the origin of the drinking begins to "control our emotional experience"--then, biology takes over.
I am thinking of a few very close girl friends that I have had. These women are cleaning nuts---if all the socks in the drawer are not pointing in the same direction---they can't sleep at night. Cleaning the house makes them actually feel good!! When disaster strikes--they grab for the vacume cleaner. I have absolutely no doubt that if they were introduced to alcohol as teenagers---they would be hitting the bottle like big dogs!! I swear--they are no better adjusted in their lives than I am.
Actually, if eating asparagus made us feel good inside---many of us would be peeing green urine all the time. And the government would regulate and tax asparagus.
Ok.---I am just rambling here, this morning.......
dandylion
P.S. (I don't even have a sock drawer)
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