Dry Drunk
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Man, I wish I was a cleaning freak instead of an alcoholic.
My life would be very different today . . .
Raider, for the record, I no way would ever think you are a "dry drunk" no matter what formal program you are using or not using. You are always working to find a way to heal
and improve from what I can see in your postings, even when you were struggling with relapse. Me too.
I also don't do AA or attend any meetings, yet, like you, I am very active in my recovery through reflection / prayer / SR / reading and research.
However, I do think there people, as others have posted about here, that are doing nothing different than not taking alcohol in their bodies and yet
expecting different results in their lives and still treating those about them like they did drinking. That's where the term may have validity.
My mom was like this when she did her one and only brief stop off the alcoholism train.
To return to the OP, I really don't know if she was "thinking" anything as she destroyed herself and those around her.
I think, upon years of reflection about this subject, that she was feeling acute pain and depression which she stuffed with booze
instead of expressing and dealing with what she was unhappy about in her life. Without the booze, the pain was just too huge to engage I think.
Her vision was so myopic in the end.
She really couldn't see past her own suffering to understand the suffering she was triggering in others
who loved her even when she wasn't drinking. I know that isn't much comfort, but you certainly aren't alone
and your feelings are very valid. It is frustrating and hurts, but through work, it can transform into compassion.
My life would be very different today . . .
Raider, for the record, I no way would ever think you are a "dry drunk" no matter what formal program you are using or not using. You are always working to find a way to heal
and improve from what I can see in your postings, even when you were struggling with relapse. Me too.
I also don't do AA or attend any meetings, yet, like you, I am very active in my recovery through reflection / prayer / SR / reading and research.
However, I do think there people, as others have posted about here, that are doing nothing different than not taking alcohol in their bodies and yet
expecting different results in their lives and still treating those about them like they did drinking. That's where the term may have validity.
My mom was like this when she did her one and only brief stop off the alcoholism train.
To return to the OP, I really don't know if she was "thinking" anything as she destroyed herself and those around her.
I think, upon years of reflection about this subject, that she was feeling acute pain and depression which she stuffed with booze
instead of expressing and dealing with what she was unhappy about in her life. Without the booze, the pain was just too huge to engage I think.
Her vision was so myopic in the end.
She really couldn't see past her own suffering to understand the suffering she was triggering in others
who loved her even when she wasn't drinking. I know that isn't much comfort, but you certainly aren't alone
and your feelings are very valid. It is frustrating and hurts, but through work, it can transform into compassion.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Raider--(I'm hoping that I am not invading the origional thread-I think this pplies?).
I agree that the origin of the drinking begins to "control our emotional experience"--then, biology takes over.
I am thinking of a few very close girl friends that I have had. These women are cleaning nuts---if all the socks in the drawer are not pointing in the same direction---they can't sleep at night. Cleaning the house makes them actually feel good!! When disaster strikes--they grab for the vacume cleaner. I have absolutely no doubt that if they were introduced to alcohol as teenagers---they would be hitting the bottle like big dogs!! I swear--they are no better adjusted in their lives than I am.
Actually, if eating asparagus made us feel good inside---many of us would be peeing green urine all the time. And the government would regulate and tax asparagus.
Ok.---I am just rambling here, this morning.......
dandylion
P.S. (I don't even have a sock drawer)
I agree that the origin of the drinking begins to "control our emotional experience"--then, biology takes over.
I am thinking of a few very close girl friends that I have had. These women are cleaning nuts---if all the socks in the drawer are not pointing in the same direction---they can't sleep at night. Cleaning the house makes them actually feel good!! When disaster strikes--they grab for the vacume cleaner. I have absolutely no doubt that if they were introduced to alcohol as teenagers---they would be hitting the bottle like big dogs!! I swear--they are no better adjusted in their lives than I am.
Actually, if eating asparagus made us feel good inside---many of us would be peeing green urine all the time. And the government would regulate and tax asparagus.
Ok.---I am just rambling here, this morning.......
dandylion
P.S. (I don't even have a sock drawer)
As for the whole "DD" debate, I have heard the term "dry alcoholic" at my alanon meetings (we strive to be respectful), and understood it as applying to one who has stopped using a substance but has retained all the undesirable behaviors of an addict or alcoholic- blame shifting, picking fights, verbal abuse, etc.
Interesting thread.
And food for thought- what would you call one who is in a relationship with an A who is working a program, but is not working on their codie stuff? A DC? Axb's mom has never been to alanon- so she is still in the thick of it, even with a sober husband.
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
For me 'twas getting the good & bad news. The good was realising had feelings & the bad had feelings. Couldn't undstd why ex was **** all the time yet she had shelter, food,water etc. so to make it all worse, I'm sober & couldn't drink over it. But thank goodness after doing thorough step 6 last yr & alanon mtgs, got handle on it. Kind of glad went thru dry drunk phase coz can relate w/ folks who share @ mtgs too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
Hi all. Apologies if I caused any hurt feelings with the original question being posed - it was absolutely not my intention. The term "dry drunk" has been used so matter-of-factly in both Al Anon and by my STBXAH in explaining his behavior that I hadn't considered it to be a pejorative term, merely a description of a set of behaviors, especially around selfishness and lack of empathy.
I'd read up on A as part of my own recovery program, but what I've found over the last 4 months is that hearing from recovering addicts and alcoholics and having them explain their personal experience has helped me to truly understand what it is that my STBXAH and I had been going through - how the thinking goes, what the feelings are, if there's concern for others or outcomes and just how far it can go both with rationalizing behavior and continuing on without rational thought being injected.
My extended in-laws, not including my STBXAH's AF, are contemplating an intervention for my STBXAH at Christmas this year led by a family member with substance abuse counseling experience and I was trying to explain in a simple way what had been done to date, what the biggest barriers were to recovery (see enabling AFIL), and what my role would be going forward (none). When the question was posed to me by a related party about what is he doing if he's not drinking but he's not working the program - what can he be thinking while he's failing out of school for the 3rd time by not attending, why is he lying about still being in school, well, I have no answers and have asked them to speak with him directly, but also had wanted to know for myself.
So again, apologies if the term struck a nerve or caused some riled feelings. It was not meant as such, merely as a part of discovery about the disease to help inform my decisions and my own recovery.
I'd read up on A as part of my own recovery program, but what I've found over the last 4 months is that hearing from recovering addicts and alcoholics and having them explain their personal experience has helped me to truly understand what it is that my STBXAH and I had been going through - how the thinking goes, what the feelings are, if there's concern for others or outcomes and just how far it can go both with rationalizing behavior and continuing on without rational thought being injected.
My extended in-laws, not including my STBXAH's AF, are contemplating an intervention for my STBXAH at Christmas this year led by a family member with substance abuse counseling experience and I was trying to explain in a simple way what had been done to date, what the biggest barriers were to recovery (see enabling AFIL), and what my role would be going forward (none). When the question was posed to me by a related party about what is he doing if he's not drinking but he's not working the program - what can he be thinking while he's failing out of school for the 3rd time by not attending, why is he lying about still being in school, well, I have no answers and have asked them to speak with him directly, but also had wanted to know for myself.
So again, apologies if the term struck a nerve or caused some riled feelings. It was not meant as such, merely as a part of discovery about the disease to help inform my decisions and my own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 66
My AalmostexH is definitely in this zone. And sometimes I do have compassion because he must be so f'd up physically and mentally. But I can't allow that compassion yet, it's too close for me to slide into bad codependent behaviors. It is awful to see and know all the hurt.
A simple but painful way I've heard it describe is that addicts are often jerks when sober, that's part of the reason they are/were an addict, couldn't deal with themselves and their deep flaws.
A simple but painful way I've heard it describe is that addicts are often jerks when sober, that's part of the reason they are/were an addict, couldn't deal with themselves and their deep flaws.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
So then, does the term "Dry Drunk" simply refer to unaddressed mental health issues apart from the alcoholism? Doing the forensics on my marriage, I can now see that there's something going on with my husband well beyond a tendency toward the bottle.
If ever there was a poster boy for DD's of America he'd be the man. My (soon to be ex) husband has had many periods of sobriety throughout our marriage. Yet the disease progressed even during these periods. Cunning little bastard, this disease. It would lie in wait, convincing him that he had control, and then..... BAM!!!!! Whatever you call it, that "abstinent-but-not-in-recovery" time was freaky in it's own right. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And drop it always did.
I prefer AAWINDBANWAPaiaRSA-hole. But if Dry Drunk is the term agreed upon by our community than it will have to do. In my situation they both fit.
If ever there was a poster boy for DD's of America he'd be the man. My (soon to be ex) husband has had many periods of sobriety throughout our marriage. Yet the disease progressed even during these periods. Cunning little bastard, this disease. It would lie in wait, convincing him that he had control, and then..... BAM!!!!! Whatever you call it, that "abstinent-but-not-in-recovery" time was freaky in it's own right. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And drop it always did.
I prefer AAWINDBANWAPaiaRSA-hole. But if Dry Drunk is the term agreed upon by our community than it will have to do. In my situation they both fit.
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