When did you start seeing changes in your kids?
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
I didn't see the full extent of the damage done until I had left AXH.
You know why? Because to me, it was normal. And I get nauseated and anxious when I think about how I could have protected my children and chose not to. It wasn't because I wanted them tormented and abused. It was because I minimized in my mind how much damage AXH did to them.
When did it start?
When I was pregnant with #1, who is now an adult, my biggest fear was that AXH would be drunk when I went into labor and that we'd get in a fight about him not driving me to the hospital. So it was always there.
We can tell ourselves he kids are alright but they're not. That's just what we want to tell ourselves because it's easier to believe that "an intact nuclear family" is the highest good than to admit that this nuclear family is... toxic. I used "I can't take the kids away from their father" as one of my favorite excuses. Reality was I was scared of what would happen if I left him. So I basically sacrificed my children on the altar of my own fear. And the pain of knowing that will never go away.
You know why? Because to me, it was normal. And I get nauseated and anxious when I think about how I could have protected my children and chose not to. It wasn't because I wanted them tormented and abused. It was because I minimized in my mind how much damage AXH did to them.
When did it start?
When I was pregnant with #1, who is now an adult, my biggest fear was that AXH would be drunk when I went into labor and that we'd get in a fight about him not driving me to the hospital. So it was always there.
We can tell ourselves he kids are alright but they're not. That's just what we want to tell ourselves because it's easier to believe that "an intact nuclear family" is the highest good than to admit that this nuclear family is... toxic. I used "I can't take the kids away from their father" as one of my favorite excuses. Reality was I was scared of what would happen if I left him. So I basically sacrificed my children on the altar of my own fear. And the pain of knowing that will never go away.
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I really feel that - I feel like the one card holding the whole house up. If I leave, he falls apart even more and winds up dead.
My family was a sinking ship. I was bravely being the Captain and steering it and denying that it was taking on water even though it was up to my knees. Once I decided the ship could not be saved, I had to abandon it and swim to safety. Of the rest of the family, I was responsible for getting the children to safety. And I did. AXH was and is perfectly able to swim on his own, but he stays on the sinking ship by choice, still denying there's anything wrong and calling me a traitor for saving myself and the children.
This is where the "can't control it" came in for me. I (most days) accept that I could not force him to choose differently. I was responsible for the children. I was not responsible for him. If I had stayed, we would all have gone down with the ship.
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That's one of my biggest regrets - my two pregnancies, I didn't get to relax and enjoy them like I had always thought I would. I have so many bad memories. A time when I should have been relaxing, getting rest, and getting things ready - instead, I was dealing with major drama/chaos created by AH and his escapades. I spent so many nights crying! I really LOVE being a mother. I was so unsure of myself the first few years. I have really grown into the role, and I just want to be a good one. I would love to have one more, but I won't do that in my situation, which makes me sad.
Part of me thinks I could have a huge passel of kids if I had money and a great partner. Since I have neither (ha!) I know I need to travel light.
I absolutely adore my children and I tell them I feel lucky to have them in my life all the time. My DS14 teases me because whenever I say it I shed a tear, but I mean it through and through.
All these things are true at once. It is what it is and I am nevertheless happy for it.
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I don't know if this will be OT, but this
reminded me that there are a couple books that I've found really helpful in defining what I want for DS's home environment and experience.
I picked up "Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids" by Kim John Payne and "Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder" by Richard Louv.
I admit that I don't follow the suggestions in Simplicity to the letter, but it's helping me figure out how to ignore more of society's pressures and let DS just be a kid. And with Last Child in the Woods.... All I really knew is that my siblings and I were outside the minute our homework was done and allowed to roam through the area all around our house, and I wasn't comfortable with how much time DS and his cousins were spending on the computer and Xbox. I just thought I'd share the book titles.
make good space for him to just be a kid.
I picked up "Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids" by Kim John Payne and "Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder" by Richard Louv.
I admit that I don't follow the suggestions in Simplicity to the letter, but it's helping me figure out how to ignore more of society's pressures and let DS just be a kid. And with Last Child in the Woods.... All I really knew is that my siblings and I were outside the minute our homework was done and allowed to roam through the area all around our house, and I wasn't comfortable with how much time DS and his cousins were spending on the computer and Xbox. I just thought I'd share the book titles.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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So much insight on this thread...thank you all. I also didn't realize how bad it was for everyone until he was gone. Amazing difference. I did tell myself being an intact family was better...I was so wrong. It is heartbreaking that it can't be that way but I have absolutely no doubt that it's better for my kids now than it was before. They may not see it yet, although I suspect they do, but I am the adult and have to make the best decisions I can for them.
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