DiCal

I was reading this forum for a while and tonight I decided to write, 'cause I can't take it anymore!
My story is so similar with a lot of stories I've been reading on this forum! Been married for 12 years, moved to States(from Europe) 7 years ago and in time we grew apart. It happens, no biggie after all. I was struggling in my marriage for a few years. Decided to take a job offer with an IT start-up, so we moved on the westside of the city, to beat the traffic from LA! The company I was working for had offices in a building with another company (they gave us space for a share of our company). This was January 2013. After a while, one of the partner in the other company started to be friendly with me. We became friends, and I was comfortable after a while talking with him about my life(and viceversa). My marriage was not good, so I decided to let go in May!
Short time after, my new friend asked me out, and I accepted to have dinner with him. Then, we got involved in what I thought to be the love of my life. He is 12 years older than me. He was so charming, so good to me. We spent every day together, and it was so good! 3 months into the relationship, things went south. We broke up in November for a short time and I lost my job after few days. His ex-gf is a partner in his company, married with somebody else but very controlling. Also she was the business adviser of my ex-boss. So obviously, she advised my boss. I was crushed. Lost him and lost my job. No security net, no family here! All this time I was trying to figure it out, what happened, why our relationship is not working. I did blame it on myself: too clingy, too emotional and maybe too needy? Well, I found out after 5 months into our relationship that he has problems: alcohol and depression. Never been around people with this addiction, so I didn't realize how bad was it! We were still talking, calling and I had him telling me how much he loves me! I believed him! Meanwhile, I was going thru my turmoil, and I got a lot of anxiety and panic attacks(never ever had them before). I felt like my world is upside down. He was not really there for me!
He just got a marijuana card, so obviously was busy getting stoned. Month of December was a nightmare for me, I don't even won't to remember it! I was so attached with him, that I made everything to go back with him. Somehow, we went back together. But not the way we were before. Spent NY together, his b-day, my b-day, Valentines together. But he was so caught with his addiction, that everything we were doing was sitting at his home watching movies, cuddling and having a take-out dinner. He kind of stopped eating in January, going mostly with ensure and God knows what! I wad so worried, that I couldn't think about my situation. No job (working on some freelance projects) my financial situation got bad. I never asked him to help me, and he didn't offer (his financial situation is very good).
He mistreated me, disrespected me, and I was hurting so bad. But I was keep going back! Stupid me! Finally, a few weeks ago after he gave me a panic attack for being mean and constantly pushing me away and then pulling me back, I went to therapy. I gave him an ultimatum (he lost 35 lbs in 3 month), and last Thursday I would have called his brother to ask for help. The Brother is a partner in the company also, but they don't really communicate. He kept his distance from me too. He called me last Wed, scared, to let me know his brother is putting him through detox and rehab on Thu. For some reason, his brother figured it out (he is a former addict too). I was so happy, finally he gets help and I can take care of myself. Didn't hear from him since! Today I called his brother to see how did he pull through detox and basically he told me is not a good time and hung up on me! I'm so done with this! With him! With everything! Just want to take care of myself and be again the happy person I was! How do I let go? Please help me!
P.S. Sorry for the long message, I'm just venting!

CodeJob

Welcome to SR. DiCal, I just woke up so I hope this post is sensible.

Letting go is very tough. Just knowing you need to do it is growth. Realizing your boyfriend was pushing and pulling you back and forth in the relationship definitely helps. For me, realizing that alcohol, my H and me were a triangular relationship where alcohol outranked me really helped me let go. My H also went into an inpatient rehab and that time forced apart not in constant contact gave me some physical And mental space too.

I did not put myself first. You should leave this man in his brothers hands for now. What a blessing he has a history of addiction so he not only has a work, family, and can act with empathy and authority with your BF on several levels. Focus on you. Focus on getting your work life and personal life back on track. Letting go and moving on for me is still emotional and sad in early days.

The 12 steps acknowledge a higher power and if you are spiritual this can help with the process too.

Pipefish

DiCal, am sorry for your troubles, and what sounds a really difficult and emotionally trying time for you.

First and foremost, go no contact. Don't ring, email, smoke signal, any member of his family, him or have any contact with anyone who knows him, or anyone from the company you were working for. It is very rough justice that the end of the relationship with this man also meant the end of your job at the company, but for now, do focus on taking care of yourself.

Have gone no contact with an ex, in similarly trying circumstances. It was the best possible thing I could have done. It is hard, but it creates space and helps to see things for what they are. And it gave me a chance to really take care of myself, and look at the choices I made which didn't serve me well.

Wish you well. Take good care of your precious self

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

It sounds like he was most likely deeper into his addiction than you maybe realized, that is just a guess.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but living with an addict for the rest of your life would be a big mistake. There will always be the fear he will relapse, the anxiety, it is an awful way of life for many.

You should find Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and possibly a therapist to help you get on with your own life and focus on your needs.

Let Go and Let God.

ps...I don't know if you are anywhere near Saddleback church but their Celebrate Recovery is AMAZING....

DiCal

Thank you all for your kind words! Haven't heard from my ABH since he got into detox. I hope he pulled thru it and now he's in rehab healing. His brother wouldn't call me or tell me what's going on. I have a feeling he is blaming on me somehow, even I don't drink or do drugs. Actually when I met my BF he was already an alcoholic, but I didn't know. Never had to deal with one, so I wouldn't see it. And he was not drinking in my presence. Finally I figure it out, mostly because he stopped eating in the last 3 months. Probably I was codependent ( I just bought "Co-dependent no more" book and will read it as soon as I'll get it), but I don't feel I have to be blamed for his problem. For the last 2 month, I was trying/negotiating with him to seek professional help. I still love him a lot and no matter what's the output for our relationship, I want him to be healthy and safe.
I did some research and it looks like they are not allowed to have cell phones in detox/rehab. Also I looked into his email (he gave me the password) and he didn't read his emails since he got into care. Not knowing anything about him, makes me sad.
I went into therapy a month ago and it seems to help. Should I go to group meetings (Al-Anon?) or stick to my therapy only?
Overall, all this experience made me grow up and realize life is not only butterflies and lilies! I guess life kind of spoiled me until now!
Thanks again for your replies, it matters to see I'm not alone in this struggle!
Hugs! Sending you healing strength and lost of love from sunny SoCal!

dandylion

DiCal---Early attraction and "falling in love" is a powerful force. It is like a magic carpet ride fueled by hormones.....sigh! I have been there--know it is true. Even when the relationship is bad for us--it still feels that way! For that we can thank Mother Nature...not.

Not that it matters--but, 35lb. wt. loss in 3 mo. sounds like something more than just alcohol was involved.

Genuine, mature love allows our growth and does not hurt us in the ways that you describe. Addicts in early recovery--at least the first year---are usually harder to deal with than while still drinking and using. I get the impression that he was pressured to go to rehab. If so--it may not even stick--not unless he wanted it for himself.
Not being hitched to this wagon is probably sparing you a l ot of pain, right now.

I l earned, through bitter experience, that romantic involvement in the workplace is a dangerous practice. Boy, did I learn that lesson in spades!!! (long story with me on the short end of the stick).

DiCal--your wounds are still fresh--and we all sympathize--but, we also know that they will heal. I expect that you will come out of this much wiser and stronger for the experience.

dandylion

Bernadette777

Do I reach out or hold my hand?

Tonight is the last date my ABF went on as a couple a year ago exactly. (So far to date) I'm sitting here eating pizza, thinking right now, do I send a text or since he probably doesn't even remember - should I let it ride? We took a break at the middle of April last year, he needed space, He had heavy family problems he had to deal with. I finally caved in June. He was very happy to hear from me. He told me I didn't do anything wrong, & thanked me for always being so understanding. He wanted to catch up. Fast forward .. - I come across him by God's grace on our one year anniversary a month later- he asked me out to dinner, he was high. He responded to a text I sent about a week later. He said he knew I knew he was high, I really didn't, but his eyes looked so odd. He said he was embarrassed & ashamed. Anyway, over the summer & winter he'd text back to me here and there. His 'bro (so called best friend "THE ENABLER" keeps him on a short chain. Not even a returned call. Please help me. Plus, he doesn't even know that a year ago tomorrow, I spent $90 at a bakery for goodies for his family (2 different houses of people). He asked me to meet his fam, when I texted him to check in so we could meet up with his family he said he "was sick, & not drinking for a while" I bet he forgot he asked me to meet his fam the night before! Nice. Help please.

DiCal

Dandylion, thank you for your kind and honest post!
I felt he was waiting to be "saved" so I'm kind of optimistic he will try hard to stay sober. But this is his job, I still have to decide if I want to continue this relationship. I have a whole month ahead of me before he's coming out of rehab, to think about it! Meanwhile, I'm taking care of myself, going out, traveling a bit, spending quality time with my wonderful friends. Also I'm trying to change some of my life patterns, doing a lot of work with my therapist. Finally I feel better in my own shoes, and also I'm happy he's safe and working on his issues.
I am a spiritual person and it helps a lot! Going thru all this turmoil (my divorce after 12 years of marriage, my unhealthy new relationship, loss of my job etc.) helped me tremendously! Last night I was visiting an old friend I haven't seen in couple of years, and her husband told me something that gave me a new insight in my life: you don't have that spark in your eyes anymore! I promised myself I will have it back and I will never let it disappear again!
Now I know, work romance is never a good idea! I've Learned my lesson!
Send you lots of love, my new supportive friends!

jaynie04

Bump for Bernadette.

I think this is the thread you are looking for. I just wanted to welcome you.

ladyscribbler

Well, confession time. I made the colossal mistake of answering the phone this past Valentine's Day. I saw it was my ex and answered because of the whole V-day thing chose to ignore the fact that I am ALWAYS let down when I have expectations of him.
So I answered and he told me the dog had died. What he actually said was- Well, I have to go out and dig a hole- because it's always all about him. So I came to my senses and got off the phone and reminded myself that he is not going to change just because I am changing.
You sound like a very caring person. I used to go the extra mile trying to impress my ex's family and be kind to them. It was just another way of building my expectations for an eventual disappointment.
You should stop the back and forth. I have to stay in some contact with my ex because we have a child together, but I limit my communications to conversations about our son. You should come up with a new tradition for yourself to get through these times when you want to reach out to him. I had to get out of that habit myself. I had a tough time last Veteran's Day as well- set myself up again.
When you're tempted to text him, post on here instead. We're always here for you. You may want to block his texts so you don't feel the urge to respond to his whims.
Take care and keep posting.

lillamy

I know this is not funny. And yet, I laughed a hollow laugh at it. Because it's such a poignant illustration. The issue is not that the dog has died and that you may be sad hearing about it. The damn dog went and inconvenienced him so that he now has to dig a hole, and he's calling you for sympathy.

Bernadette777

Hi LadyScribbler,

Wow, I needed that. Thank you. Your words are soothing & proactive. I like the whole creating a new tradition instead. Thank so much for responding to me. I will post everytime Instead of texting him or responding to him. It's sucks because it really was so wonderful in the beginning, our dates at night, well the night couldn't of lasted long enough. I don't understand what happened. He had all the qualities I look for in a man, then the drinking kicked in, he made it a point of telling me he wasn't an A, on our first date because he accidentally clunked a water glass into his wine class. That night I thought.. "Why tell me such s thing" the cards were placed on the table & I didn't see it, but I remembered. I'm sooo grateful to have wonderful friends here on SR. This really hurts my heart when I think about it all. He said to me on the second date, "I found you" then he said it to my Family too. I actually was a little freaked out. Then I saw the the mood swings 2 months in, translation... He has problem with depression, he's bipolar, the Drinking, the using, tall big guy & angry at the world - strangers sometimes. Why couldn't he stay the man I first met? Was it me? Thank you again, your thoughts / wisdom on this thread would help too if you don't mind. Thank you LadyScribbler.

Bernadette777

Welcome Di-Cal

Bernadette777

Sorry, typo in my spelling ... Again, Welcome DiCal

DiCal

Thank you, Bernadette! It looks like we are pretty much in the same point of the saga: to let go...or not! Take care of yourself! Hugs!

ladyscribbler

My ex and I met during a deployment to Iraq, so we survived a lot of things together. In retrospect I can see how things moved very fast, though it didn't seem that way at the time. My ex suffered 3 TBIs (traumatic brain injuries) while we were deployed and PTSD from Iraq and previous deployments to Afghanistan, so I totally understand about the unstable moods, depression, rages, violence. All that stuff could be treated and managed if he reached out for help- I got help for my PTSD, it was hard and scary, but I did it. But he would have to quit drinking to get help for the other stuff and he is totally unwilling to do that. He actually refused to go to an inpatient TBI clinic at the VA because he would have had to stop drinking for the 6 or 8 weeks it lasted.
I can't let myself see him as a victim. He already sees himself that way and the results are disastrous. I have to see him as an adult making his own choices. I can't change what he does, I can only change my responses and actions for MY health and serenity.
I go to Alanon and individual therapy at the VA. Both of those things have helped me tremendously.
Best wishes DiCal and Bernadette. It gets easier, I promise. I'm about 7 months out of that relationship and other than the occasional slipup into codie-land, I'm doing really well.

marie1960

I agree with you.

Today, is the perfect day to be DONE.

I believe the others will also agree, We want you to take better care of YOU too.

((((Big Hugs)))))

Praying

I shouldn't laugh at this either, but it's so true. When our dog of 14 years died... son wanted to bury her and AH was angry because "the ground is too hard". Son and I said we'd handle it. I let son choose the location on our acreage, and it was good bonding time for us. AH came home to our half hole in progress and said our location was awful, grabbed the shovel, and, sweating in his business suit, dug a different hole, griping the entire time. Told everyone how he had to come home and deal with our mess. I don't recall asking. Even when nobody else made it about him...he always did.

Poignant memories. Maybe I'll start a scrapbook. Lol.

DiCal

It's been 3 weeks since my ABF went to rehab and had no contact with him at all. And yesterday BAM I got a phone call from him in the afternoon. He didn't say anything for almost 2 minutes, it was just me keep saying Hello...Hello! Then he hung up! I'm a little bit confused, I don't really understand what was with the not-saying-a-word phone call! Anyone can help me to understand his behaviour?

DiCal

Please, anybody has any idea what was the reason behind that call? It was first time he had access to his cell phone since he went to rehab. I'm very confused and I really don't get it! Maybe I am not on the visitation/call list?