JustAGirl1971

It's been almost 4 weeks since my STBXAH moved out. I posted before how much more peaceful and calm my home is since he left. That's still true. Life feels freer, less complicated. Overall, it was/is a positive change. So why am I finding myself more tearful, sadder? Part of it is because I saw him for the first time since he left. And, then, there are the well meaning friends and family who tell me how devastated they are over my divorce. I get it, really I do. 25 years together and his family became mine, mine became his. Same with friends. But, asking me if I'm sure I've done everything I could to save the marriage (several have asked this), telling me that I'm throwing 25 years away? Not helpful. That's part of it. The other part is the good memories which keep surfacing. I am actively trying not to think about them right now, but it just doesn't always work. And, then there's the bad memories. The abuse that's woven in between the good memories and has been present almost since the beginning. He did actively work on it for several years... until he didn't. The last two years were bad. The last year, really bad.

So, how do I reconcile the good with the bad so I can make peace and move on? I don't want to weigh one more heavily than the other... I just want to remember things as they really were. The problem is, I feel like the more I work on me, the more the bad comes out. The more I feel like what I thought was real wasn't? The women in my family have a tendency to hold onto resentments and become bitter. I really don't want to end up like that

How do you work through it? I am in alanon, am working the steps, and am attending counseling (actually just changed counselors.) For those of you on the other side, how'd you get there? For those currently in the grieving process, how are you doing it?

Mellybug

I have the opposite problem of the women in my family (they, too, are bitter). I tend to forget all the bad and focus on the good. I'm TOLD it's a good trait, but then I allow people back into my life and am soon reminded why I gave them the boot in the first place!

I keep a journal. Whenever I get to feeling (like I do now) that I'm doubting my memories, I go back and read it. I may read it sequentially, or I may just pick random pages. I can tell you that there aren't too many "great" entries, and there are plenty of "bad" entries. It reminds me of why I made the decisions that I did.

It IS horrible to have the family of your X give you so much "how come" talk. I KNOW he's his momma's pride and joy and she loves him like nothing else in this world - but HE HURT ME! He ripped my heart out, he nearly destroyed me...so she doesn't get to question how come I could walk away. She wasn't there in our relationship - Alcohol was.

One thing I'm struggling with right now - NEVER question yourself when you are doing something you know is right for yourself.

HealingWillCome

Triggers kept me grieving for a long time. I would let myself go to a place in my head where I would grieve what "could have been" or what "should have been." Sometimes to the point where I felt like I was going crazy. My mind just wouldn't shut off. One thing that helped me tremendously was to stop what I was doing and take 5 minutes to journal my feelings. Or draw a picture of what I was feeling. Even while I was at work. A lot of times I would grab whatever scrap piece of paper was handy and just spill it all out. It kept me from feeling like I was going to explode with the craziness of a situation that was out of my control and filled with grief.

There is an added layer of sadness when you're coping with divorcing an alcoholic/addict because your dream of a happy life has been hijacked by addiction. 25 years is a long time to devote yourself to a partnership that has been hijacked. Give yourself time and space, and do what you can to eliminate potential triggers. I found myself rearranging furniture, putting away certain photos and putting out new ones, listening to different music, avoiding cooking certain foods. In short, it was about creating a new happy space for myself that belonged to my children and me only. If you find yourself triggered, have a plan for processing it. Give yourself time to feel, but don't let yourself wallow in it or do the crazy dance in your head like I would do. Time helps. I think you're doing a lot of wonderful things for yourself. You might find some good books to read on grief and loss. Hang in there. You will get there!

Chelsea1029

I'm at six weeks and can really relate to those feelings. It's very up and down. Things are so much more peaceful but reality is setting in that my marriage has failed and the life I planned is not what is happening. I think while he was here the anxiety was controlling me but i was also holdong out hope that it would change. Not so hopeful anymore...But I know it's for the best and so much better than what it was. I have had people say similar things to me and I responded with "it's for the best" and changed the subject because I didn't want to get into it all.
I'm struggling to not hold any resentment as well but it seems impossible. Sorry you are going through this.

JustAGirl1971

Thank you all. I'm actually feeling stronger again today. I guess it's just a process and I have to expect that there will be sad moments and sad days and it will take time (patience is an area I'm working on!_ Hopefully, my new counselor can help me work through all the layers of denial.

This is an issue for me, too. I have so much self-doubt. When I'm feeling strong, I know I am right where I need to be. It's those moments of weakness, or those times I've been lax on my recovery work that I'm most plagued by the doubt. I wish I'd kept a journal during our marriage...

I love this idea! I think I will start carrying a small notebook in my purse just for this purpose. Anything to help me get out of my head!

On the anger and resentment, some days I feel really strong and feel like I've nearly worked through it all... and then some days, not so much. I hope that means I'm making progress and not just spinning my wheels?!

It's so nice to come here and see so many others who are or have been where I am. Thank you!

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry you're in the same boat, Chelsea. You are right, the anxiety is so much better when they're gone. Still there, but so much better. Thank you, it helps to know someone else is right where I am.