Final Decision Made!
Clean since 1/11/14
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Final Decision Made!
After a week of thought, soul searching and detachment I have so much more confidence in my choice to separate from AH. I talked to my therapist, spoke to al anon friends, posted here and really detached. Wow what a difference a week of detachment can make. My mind is so clear without the merry go round of his words confusing me.
I have family visiting for one week and they leave on Saturday. I have not said a word to AH about his drinking and guess what? It got worse! He has been drunk 3 of the past 4 days and behaving really inappropriately. He has stole my mothers wine twice and stole money from me. Last night in a very drunken non coherent state he told my parents how much he loves me and hates embarrassing me this way. I just felt sorry for him. I realize everything he has lost in his life to the addiction. His son, daughter, first wife and his career. And now me....
He knows my boundary (I can't live with active addiction). He knows he is drinking. Last night after a few drinks he said to me that he is waiting for the other shoe to drop because he knows what is coming. I just responded with a polite "we will have a conversation as soon as my parents leave". He got upset and told me that ultimatums won't work.
Well guess what dear AH....there isn't an ultimatum coming at you.
When my parents leave I will be requesting that he move out April 1st because I can't maintain my recovery plan with active drinking in the house. If he refuses to leave, I am moving out.
This is the first time I practiced real detachment and let him be without ANY interference. The nail in the coffin was last night. I slept for maybe 3 hours because he was doing his drunken snoring LOUDLY then stop breathing for what seems like ages then waking up in a fit of coughing and getting up 2-3 times to vomit. I hate that because it's so scary. I am done. I feel at peace and look forward to a quiet house.
Yesterday was my 60 days off pot and attending NA. I am beyond proud of myself and so amazed at all the things I put up with in a stoned haze for the past 4 years.
Thanks for listening.
I have family visiting for one week and they leave on Saturday. I have not said a word to AH about his drinking and guess what? It got worse! He has been drunk 3 of the past 4 days and behaving really inappropriately. He has stole my mothers wine twice and stole money from me. Last night in a very drunken non coherent state he told my parents how much he loves me and hates embarrassing me this way. I just felt sorry for him. I realize everything he has lost in his life to the addiction. His son, daughter, first wife and his career. And now me....
He knows my boundary (I can't live with active addiction). He knows he is drinking. Last night after a few drinks he said to me that he is waiting for the other shoe to drop because he knows what is coming. I just responded with a polite "we will have a conversation as soon as my parents leave". He got upset and told me that ultimatums won't work.
Well guess what dear AH....there isn't an ultimatum coming at you.
When my parents leave I will be requesting that he move out April 1st because I can't maintain my recovery plan with active drinking in the house. If he refuses to leave, I am moving out.
This is the first time I practiced real detachment and let him be without ANY interference. The nail in the coffin was last night. I slept for maybe 3 hours because he was doing his drunken snoring LOUDLY then stop breathing for what seems like ages then waking up in a fit of coughing and getting up 2-3 times to vomit. I hate that because it's so scary. I am done. I feel at peace and look forward to a quiet house.
Yesterday was my 60 days off pot and attending NA. I am beyond proud of myself and so amazed at all the things I put up with in a stoned haze for the past 4 years.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Congrats! It feels great to finally make a decision, doesn't it!?!
It also feels good to know that there is nothing they can say/do to change your mind.
My ex used to do the "Stop breathing/choking/vomiting" in the middle of the night...and it used to TERRIFY me! I come from a medical family, so I know exactly what to do, but most of the time I just didn't even WANT to. I started sleeping in the spare bedroom just to avoid having to have my sleep constantly interrupted by him.
I moved out nearly 3 weeks ago, and even though at times it's been rough, OVERALL, I've been happier than I have been in a LONG time.
It also feels good to know that there is nothing they can say/do to change your mind.
My ex used to do the "Stop breathing/choking/vomiting" in the middle of the night...and it used to TERRIFY me! I come from a medical family, so I know exactly what to do, but most of the time I just didn't even WANT to. I started sleeping in the spare bedroom just to avoid having to have my sleep constantly interrupted by him.
I moved out nearly 3 weeks ago, and even though at times it's been rough, OVERALL, I've been happier than I have been in a LONG time.
Clean since 1/11/14
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Update
My parents leave today and the moving out conversation happens tomorrow with AH. I am feeling confident and at peace about my decision except for my anger about last night.
AH got drunk last night and announced to my parents that he is an alcoholic and it is affecting our relationship. He then went on to say "now that I am being truthful don't you have a confession to make regarding your addiction and NA.
He put everything out there. I am so freakin angry. I wanted to tell them on my own time I am in NA. They live in another country and I have issues with my family that I am working on with my therapist and it felt it would be harmful to my self to tell them at this point. Isn't that my choice to make?
I really can't put into words how angry I am at AH right now.
Why would he do that? Trying to deflect from his drinking?
I feel like I don't have the strength to deal with my AH moving out and now the issues with my parents knowing all at the same time. I am not wavering from the separation but just so angry I had to vent.
AH got drunk last night and announced to my parents that he is an alcoholic and it is affecting our relationship. He then went on to say "now that I am being truthful don't you have a confession to make regarding your addiction and NA.
He put everything out there. I am so freakin angry. I wanted to tell them on my own time I am in NA. They live in another country and I have issues with my family that I am working on with my therapist and it felt it would be harmful to my self to tell them at this point. Isn't that my choice to make?
I really can't put into words how angry I am at AH right now.
Why would he do that? Trying to deflect from his drinking?
I feel like I don't have the strength to deal with my AH moving out and now the issues with my parents knowing all at the same time. I am not wavering from the separation but just so angry I had to vent.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Sorry that happened to you Trailsky. Yes, he was probably deflecting because he couldn't handle the negative attention.
But, it is out in the open, and you don't have to agonize about how to have that conversation with your parents in the future. Give them time, and they will surprise you with support.
You are strong enough to do this.
But, it is out in the open, and you don't have to agonize about how to have that conversation with your parents in the future. Give them time, and they will surprise you with support.
You are strong enough to do this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Trailsky---think of it this way---now, you don't have to keep that "secret", any more.
You are not responsible for his alcoholism.
Could I ask? Do you fear that your family will judge you negatively if you don't stay married? (you don't have to answer this if you don't want to).
dandylion
You are not responsible for his alcoholism.
Could I ask? Do you fear that your family will judge you negatively if you don't stay married? (you don't have to answer this if you don't want to).
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
trialsky...I just posted about this in substance abusers family forums but I totally relate. I am sober now almost a year and a half and the other day my husband was bragging on staying with me because I'm a mean drunk. But the different aspect is that I am not drunk today...he is out right now trying to get high. I am guessing he is not calling her to tell her. Unfortunately that deflection is part of a drug addiction.
Your parents love you. Maybe they won't agree with all your choices but I bet when they see the positive decisions you are making and sticking to they will come around.
Stay strong. we can do it
Your parents love you. Maybe they won't agree with all your choices but I bet when they see the positive decisions you are making and sticking to they will come around.
Stay strong. we can do it
Clean since 1/11/14
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Trailsky---think of it this way---now, you don't have to keep that "secret", any more.
You are not responsible for his alcoholism.
Could I ask? Do you fear that your family will judge you negatively if you don't stay married? (you don't have to answer this if you don't want to).
dandylion
You are not responsible for his alcoholism.
Could I ask? Do you fear that your family will judge you negatively if you don't stay married? (you don't have to answer this if you don't want to).
dandylion
dandylion this is my third bad relationship relationship. 2 were very abusive and now an addict (all of them ended at 4-5 years....guess it takes me that long to get my s$&t together and leave). I feel like I can't deal with the family disappointment of another failed marriage. With all the emotions and feelings I am dealing with right now I just felt I couldn't be the 'family f$&k up' again. It gets old. Everyone else in my family is doing so well in life and I continue to fail. Feeling their disappointment is really hard.
I wanted to tell them about my own substance use once the initial grieving is past and the dust settles from the separation. I never used before when I lived in my hometown. I know there is no excuse but I used during this relationship to numb my self hatred for being in ANOTHER bad relationship. I can say that through everything I am staying clean and. I know that's what matters most.
I am so thankful I found this community, NA and Al-anon. My world is shaking and it actually feels good for once
I can finally get a grip on what is going on with ME rather than everyone else.
Clean since 1/11/14
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by peacelovesober
trialsky...I just posted about this in substance abusers family forums but I totally relate. I am sober now almost a year and a half and the other day my husband was bragging on staying with me because I'm a mean drunk. But the different aspect is that I am not drunk today...he is out right now trying to get high. I am guessing he is not calling her to tell her. Unfortunately that deflection is part of a drug addiction.
Your parents love you. Maybe they won't agree with all your choices but I bet when they see the positive decisions you are making and sticking to they will come around.
Stay strong. we can do it
Your parents love you. Maybe they won't agree with all your choices but I bet when they see the positive decisions you are making and sticking to they will come around.
Stay strong. we can do it
that must be hard. Good job on your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Posts: 9
Detached
Posted as a newcomer a couple of weeks ago. My wife is the alcoholic not me. She is heavy into isolation now and although I suspect she has quit consuming I cannot be certain. I refuse to obsess about it. I have been distant and detached and feel okay about it. I have not made any effort to discuss the tipping event. Not cast any anger or guilt. It's still tough. Still not willing to go to AA. It's early and if I learned anything, I've tampered any expectations of what may come. Upped my exercise routine to 10 miles daily on my bike. Even fixed up her bike in case some day she wants to leave her self imposed exile.
I'm a long way from okay but at least I surrendered and admitted I was powerless to create any change. Only she can change herself. Thanks for your support.
I'm a long way from okay but at least I surrendered and admitted I was powerless to create any change. Only she can change herself. Thanks for your support.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Trailsky
Why would he do that? Trying to deflect from his drinking?
I'm sorry that he said what he did because it does seem particularly hypocritical. One thing is certain--addiction thrives on secrecy. In a way, this may be one of those strangely wrapped gifts.
Huge congratulations on your continued sobriety! I hope all goes well for you tomorrow!
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