Feeling like a complete jerk....but....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Feeling like a complete jerk....but....
Even thought LOGICALLY I shouldn't feel like a jerk at all - I still do.
Had a long talk with ABF (now XAFB) the other night where he admitted he needed help, said he was going to do better, blah, blah, blah. I explained calmly and unemotionally what I needed out of a relationship - effort. I said that I would put as much effort into the relationship as HE did, but this was his LAST CHANCE with me.
The very next day I develop a NASTY migraine, complete with vomiting. He texts me during the day saying that he'd come over to see me but he's getting his hair cut. Then he and I have a nice conversation, and I ask when I can see him again...he says, "Maybe dinner on Friday?" I asked about going to an event on Saturday...nope...he has plans with his buddy. He has plans every day except dinner time on Friday.
THAT'S what he considers "effort"? So, I said I was done. I can't do this - and he blows up at me! I admit that because of the migraine I argued back. I explained that all I have wanted was to feel important, and he can't be bothered to make time to spend with me, and that's not my idea of a relationship. He said a few typical alcoholic things and placed the blame on me...which just made me feel worse. I threw up for the following 2 hours.
I'm seriously considering going to the ER today to get help for this migraine (day 2)...I want to cry but I just know it will make the migraine worse. I'm finally free from the drama and the b.s. - I know I put forth a Herculean effort towards this relationship and I can hold my head high that I did all I could do. I'm supposed to have my therapy today, and am trying to hold out until after therapy before going to the ER (or Urgent Care...can't decide which).
Feeling SO low right now....
Let's add another snow-storm on top of this nonsense! LOL
Had a long talk with ABF (now XAFB) the other night where he admitted he needed help, said he was going to do better, blah, blah, blah. I explained calmly and unemotionally what I needed out of a relationship - effort. I said that I would put as much effort into the relationship as HE did, but this was his LAST CHANCE with me.
The very next day I develop a NASTY migraine, complete with vomiting. He texts me during the day saying that he'd come over to see me but he's getting his hair cut. Then he and I have a nice conversation, and I ask when I can see him again...he says, "Maybe dinner on Friday?" I asked about going to an event on Saturday...nope...he has plans with his buddy. He has plans every day except dinner time on Friday.
THAT'S what he considers "effort"? So, I said I was done. I can't do this - and he blows up at me! I admit that because of the migraine I argued back. I explained that all I have wanted was to feel important, and he can't be bothered to make time to spend with me, and that's not my idea of a relationship. He said a few typical alcoholic things and placed the blame on me...which just made me feel worse. I threw up for the following 2 hours.
I'm seriously considering going to the ER today to get help for this migraine (day 2)...I want to cry but I just know it will make the migraine worse. I'm finally free from the drama and the b.s. - I know I put forth a Herculean effort towards this relationship and I can hold my head high that I did all I could do. I'm supposed to have my therapy today, and am trying to hold out until after therapy before going to the ER (or Urgent Care...can't decide which).
Feeling SO low right now....
Let's add another snow-storm on top of this nonsense! LOL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Sorry you're not feeling well. Migraines are no joke. I hope it goes away soon.
As far as your BF goes you have every right to be angry and express that anger. I think letting him go is best. You've made amazing progress in a very short amount of time.
Stay strong! xoxoxo
As far as your BF goes you have every right to be angry and express that anger. I think letting him go is best. You've made amazing progress in a very short amount of time.
Stay strong! xoxoxo
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hope you get treatment for the migraine. RB is right, they are no joke, and stress makes them much much worse. It is time to let go. You are put in every amount of effort, more than he deserves.
He wants to see you one time on Friday night...booty call??!! I am not trying to be offensive, but you are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much better for yourself. Go to the doctor, get some help, and let go.
Tight Hugs.
He wants to see you one time on Friday night...booty call??!! I am not trying to be offensive, but you are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much better for yourself. Go to the doctor, get some help, and let go.
Tight Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
As for the "booty call"....no, he's not like that. He hasn't been able to really....um...enjoy that aspect of physical affection for a while thanks to the drinking. So, I know it isn't that. It really is that he just wants to have dinner with me. In his mind, it's an open time slot to see me - without having to give up any of his other social calendar obligations.
I've been trying to relax and just make it through to my therapy appointment at 1:00...if the migraine is still kicking my butt at that time I'll just skip on over to the hospital (a couple of blocks further down from there)....
Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. I really do need to hear that I'm not all the bad guy...and even though I know I'm making the right decision, it still hurts.
I've been trying to relax and just make it through to my therapy appointment at 1:00...if the migraine is still kicking my butt at that time I'll just skip on over to the hospital (a couple of blocks further down from there)....
Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. I really do need to hear that I'm not all the bad guy...and even though I know I'm making the right decision, it still hurts.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well that is good to hear, on all fronts. You are also worth more than a "time slot." And I know it does hurt. It is grief, losing someone you love. Let yourself go through it and care for yourself in the best way possible while doing so. I am so glad you are going to see the therapist.
Last night in therapy I told him I have been having splitting headaches. He told me how much stress contributes. He asked me how I was physicall feeling at that time, which was headache, tense, upset (crying a bit), just awful in general. He then lead me through these relaxation techniques and after a bit asked me how I was feeling. Amazingly, my headache was gone and I felt so much better. I am not one who normally feeds into this, but have been having anxiety attacks. He is trying to teach me these techniques so I can calm myself before the attack happens. I have to say, I was impressed. It also forced me to just slow down and think before I speak. Now, I did not have a migraine, which I believe one should seek medical attention for. However, I wanted to pass this along because I thought maybe it would help you.
The technique went like this.
Relax as much as possible. If comfortable close your eyes. Take in breaths to the count of five, hold for two seconds and slowly release. While breathing in think the word Let, while breathing out, think the word Go.
This sounds really corny and when he first told me I laughed at him. However, it really did work and worked later at home in dealing with my little daughter when she had a fit over her homework and this morning when we were late.
Take what you want and leave the rest. I hope you are well both in mind and body very very soon! Hugs!
Last night in therapy I told him I have been having splitting headaches. He told me how much stress contributes. He asked me how I was physicall feeling at that time, which was headache, tense, upset (crying a bit), just awful in general. He then lead me through these relaxation techniques and after a bit asked me how I was feeling. Amazingly, my headache was gone and I felt so much better. I am not one who normally feeds into this, but have been having anxiety attacks. He is trying to teach me these techniques so I can calm myself before the attack happens. I have to say, I was impressed. It also forced me to just slow down and think before I speak. Now, I did not have a migraine, which I believe one should seek medical attention for. However, I wanted to pass this along because I thought maybe it would help you.
The technique went like this.
Relax as much as possible. If comfortable close your eyes. Take in breaths to the count of five, hold for two seconds and slowly release. While breathing in think the word Let, while breathing out, think the word Go.
This sounds really corny and when he first told me I laughed at him. However, it really did work and worked later at home in dealing with my little daughter when she had a fit over her homework and this morning when we were late.
Take what you want and leave the rest. I hope you are well both in mind and body very very soon! Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Thanks, Hopeful!
I have learned MANY relaxing techniques...I even have an app on my phone with music just for these occasions. Sadly, I had forgotten to even TRY them. I guess I get so caught up with the pain that I don't even think about just STOPPING and trying them. Instead I just laid there with my eyes closed and drifted for a bit.
Work has gotten insanely busy, the weather has gone bi-polar again...and as much as I know I NEED to just stop and take a break, I don't feel that I can. I forced myself to hop off of the computer and lay down for a couple of hours. I couldn't even READ what I was working on.
I know my stress level is too high - furthermore, I have a precancerous stomach condition and know I need to reduce my stress...or else. So - I thank you for reminding me to just STOP.
I have learned MANY relaxing techniques...I even have an app on my phone with music just for these occasions. Sadly, I had forgotten to even TRY them. I guess I get so caught up with the pain that I don't even think about just STOPPING and trying them. Instead I just laid there with my eyes closed and drifted for a bit.
Work has gotten insanely busy, the weather has gone bi-polar again...and as much as I know I NEED to just stop and take a break, I don't feel that I can. I forced myself to hop off of the computer and lay down for a couple of hours. I couldn't even READ what I was working on.
I know my stress level is too high - furthermore, I have a precancerous stomach condition and know I need to reduce my stress...or else. So - I thank you for reminding me to just STOP.
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
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I suffer from migraines too that can go on for days when times are stressful with AH. Please go to the hospital and get relief. Continue relaxation techniques. Sounds like the stress is causing it to get worse.
Sorry you are going through this.
Sorry you are going through this.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I get stress migraines, so I can relate. Go get help.
As for your ex? I think you have his number, metaphorically speaking. You're not a priority in his life.
And the feeling like a jerk thing? That's OK. You'll get over it when you realize that YOU are more important in your life than HE is.
My old tea shop used to have this terribly politically incorrect sign behind the counter -- it was called "Chinese Credit Giving" but if you can get past the slur against Chinese, it has a point that I've often thought about during my recovery:
As for your ex? I think you have his number, metaphorically speaking. You're not a priority in his life.
And the feeling like a jerk thing? That's OK. You'll get over it when you realize that YOU are more important in your life than HE is.
My old tea shop used to have this terribly politically incorrect sign behind the counter -- it was called "Chinese Credit Giving" but if you can get past the slur against Chinese, it has a point that I've often thought about during my recovery:
You want credit. If I don't give credit, you upset. If I do give credit, you don't pay me, I upset. Better you upset than me upset.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
lillamy - that's funny...
It kind of goes with one of my old workers, Ro. He was also Chinese...and would say all the time (with regards to job tickets) "No tickey, no raundry!" He spoke very good English with very little accent, but if you didn't give him a job ticket he wasn't going to work on what you gave him - and he'd yell at you in "broken English" to take the sting out of it!
I began to think of life this way - if you don't give what is needed to make it work, it's not going to work! No ticket, no laundry!
Thanks for reminding me of Ro. I miss him. LOL
I'm going to try to focus on work for a bit, then go to my therapy. Hopefully the migraine will ease up by the end of that.
It kind of goes with one of my old workers, Ro. He was also Chinese...and would say all the time (with regards to job tickets) "No tickey, no raundry!" He spoke very good English with very little accent, but if you didn't give him a job ticket he wasn't going to work on what you gave him - and he'd yell at you in "broken English" to take the sting out of it!
I began to think of life this way - if you don't give what is needed to make it work, it's not going to work! No ticket, no laundry!
Thanks for reminding me of Ro. I miss him. LOL
I'm going to try to focus on work for a bit, then go to my therapy. Hopefully the migraine will ease up by the end of that.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Ha ha...I suffer migraines, for decades. They got worse and worse over time. Noted triggers of caffeine, blood sugar, wine, chocolate, sleep patterns, stress...
The day X moved out...they disappeared. Completely. I eat chocolate, drink caffeine, sleep like garbage and have horrible eating patterns...and I keep laughing that I'm headache free.
The only one I've had since was after an intense interaction with DS.
Interesting thing, our bodies. Trust what yours is telling you.
The day X moved out...they disappeared. Completely. I eat chocolate, drink caffeine, sleep like garbage and have horrible eating patterns...and I keep laughing that I'm headache free.
The only one I've had since was after an intense interaction with DS.
Interesting thing, our bodies. Trust what yours is telling you.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
My xabf had a problem always being with me when he wanted to be out with his friends (mostly women) or going to bars or whatever. I never forced him to be with me, he was the one who wanted to come over and see me and everything else. But, I guess we got into a routine of being together when my nights were free - and he just wanted his own life and not to have to be with me at all.
Good for you for walking away. You do deserve (as we all do) to be with someone who can commit to you (instead of needing to be committed) and spend the time being together. I know I certainly deserve it.
Good for you for walking away. You do deserve (as we all do) to be with someone who can commit to you (instead of needing to be committed) and spend the time being together. I know I certainly deserve it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I'm thinking the crazy dialogue running through your head is enough to give anyone a migraine. ABF or XABF, which one is it ?
The " here is what I need from you and the relationship," does not sound like you are done. There is still a part of you doing that crazy, crazy dance.
Not judging, I did it too, that is why it is so easy to identify with. You experience migraines, all my stress goes to be stomach. The last 6 months with XAH I was eating gaviscon, tums, prilosec, mylanta, I was a bundle of nerves.
Honestly, two weeks of radio silence, (no contact) and my guts quit grinding. Coincidence or Not? Haven't had a gut ache in over two years...........
You truly deserve better, my friend.
The " here is what I need from you and the relationship," does not sound like you are done. There is still a part of you doing that crazy, crazy dance.
Not judging, I did it too, that is why it is so easy to identify with. You experience migraines, all my stress goes to be stomach. The last 6 months with XAH I was eating gaviscon, tums, prilosec, mylanta, I was a bundle of nerves.
Honestly, two weeks of radio silence, (no contact) and my guts quit grinding. Coincidence or Not? Haven't had a gut ache in over two years...........
You truly deserve better, my friend.
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