IamFreeNow14

divorce.
I feel so conflicted about it.
It seems he is playing mind games and about this he has power over me!
Think what he said:
The only possibility to solve our problems is seperation and divorce!!!
I will move out
Actually I don`t want to move out, I want to live with you and the kids.
He also said - in the presence of our children:
I will leave.It`s not because of you (he meant the kids both), but sometimes parents doesn`t love each other furthermore...
I will seek for a new woman!!!

As the only consequence to deal with his insanity, I went to the lawyer and he wrote the letter adressed to my husband, if he agrees with divorce.

I asked him, what he answered.
He said: I didn`t agree....I will give you...bla,bla,,,,last chance....

He also said: I don`t know now, maybe something will come in my head and I won`t want divorcing from you...

Isn`t that brutal???
A selfish mind game???

I hope deep down he will change, he will stop drinking, he will be a better father and husband....

And he is playing games with my heart and the heart of our children....

I will go to my psychologist to ask for advice...

Greetings....

KateL

I do feel for you at this difficult time.Take care of you xxx

JustAGirl1971

I think asking your psychologist for advice is an excellent idea. She/He? can help you unravel your feelings and figure out the best course of action for you and your children. Also, if you haven't already, you may want to consider alanon or some other support group for families of alcoholics/addicts.

lillamy

Well -- I would say that this is pretty typical of addicts, the push-pull game of "I'm leaving you but I may stay if you do this, this, and this." Yes, it's a power game.

Your job is to find your own way and not play along.

theuncertainty

(((hugs))), IamFreeNow14.

Ofelie

Yes it is brutal. And yes it is selfish, sick, horrible, painful and all that. What I hear in this post from you is about what HE says and does and "wants"....which has power over you. What about what YOU want? Something I learned from here is that I have CHOICES and honey, so do you. You have the CHOICE to not accept this, any of it. By saying "I will give you a last chance" its putting the blame onto your shoulders. A psychologist is a very good idea, to help you see what this man is doing to you. What do you want out of this? Being absolutely realistic, with the way he actually is, the man he IS, not the man you want him to become, if you look at the way the man is, the way he treats you, do you want to stay with him the way he IS...RIGHT NOW? Because that is what he is. As they say on here, you cannot love him into sanity, or sobriety, or even into being a normal decent human. I tried it with mine...no such luck. It will suck the life and heart right out of you, leaving you an empty shell of nothing but bitterness and despair. He is in charge of fixing all that and while he figures that out, in the meantime, you have to work on YOU. You know in your heart his behavior is cruel and unstable. Think of your kids....first and foremost, always they should be at the front of your mind. This ugly business of alcoholism really really reallllllly hurts them. Is that what you want for them? Is that acceptable to you? Is that the childhood you want them to have, to remember?
Divorce may seem too final, too huge a step for you yet, but what about separation? It seems you need some breathing space honey, he is just right in your face, and you have no room to think or breathe or even exist without his chaos coloring your mind and heart.

IamFreeNow14

Thanks a lot! It helped me very much
We ARE seperated for three months now...thats because I think about divorce.
I can`t stand this thought.I don`t want to see him at court.
Could I get divorced without be present at the court?
It`s all to hard for me, all my dreams are smashed, even they are long before.But in the court it will be obvious!
And it`s so brutal.It started as love.And now I shall see him as my opponent?
Yes he is it,he has not behaved well ...but he also has nice sides...
I`m afraid of all what will follow.
But on the other side, I´m studying still and I think it will hinder me with learning if I wait and wait..."what will he do next?!!!"

It would be better to make a definite cut here. For me and children.

It´s only the fear of being at court, seeing him...

Greetings...

JustAGirl1971

What's your divorce process like in Germany, Iamfree? In my county in the US, if we agree on all matters, we do not have to appear in court. The judge just signs the order, files it with the clerk, and delivers the divorce decree via certified mail. If that's not an option, how long is the divorce process on average? If it would be several months before you have to appear in court, then you'd have time to focus on you & the kids so that you're stronger & healthier when you do appear so it's not quite so devastating?

IamFreeNow14

What I remember is also this one:
"Okay-we can phone sometimes, and then you can show me that you are able to be quiet, that you can suspend your overwhelming emotions..."

Maybe we will have a comeback if you can show me....

What`s this???

It`s not the meaning of a marriage to be quiet , is it?
And his depression: Isn`t it possible that it arised from alcoholism as well?

And anyway: He could have choosen other ways to deal with a unhappy marriage, I find.
He could have started with doing sports or playing his instrument again...
There are so many ways to deal with bad emotions, beside of drinking alcohol....

He should have talked to me about all problems.
His feelings, ....that he doubt our relationship...
I find we could have managed it, and a seperation would have been a possibility...

Now I let him go...with his belief it`s all because of me...
I know, I´m not as bad as he tried to make me feel....

Greetings...

Could you please correct my mistakes in English?
Leastwise if they are big mistakes!!!
So I can learn to express myself better...
Thank You!!!

Hammer

never. They are just adorable.

WE ALL fully understand what you are saying, feeling and going through.

bis später