Ixi

That's the text I got from (R)ABF today. How the hell do you respond to that? While the logical part of my brain said "woah, I can't be responsible for that, this is why you need a sponsor," the codie part (which I thought I had so under control lately!) said "Do something! Say something! Say the right thing!"

Haven't heard from him since that exchange, so three guesses what that means.

I read something the other day: "Active alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages." That's never felt more true than it does today.

choublak

I think he's doing it for attention.

Who knows, maybe he texted it to other people as well.

Ixi

Yeah I don't think so.

choublak

Regardless, that's what a sponsor is for.

Ixi

I know. But he says he doesn't want a sponsor because he doesn't want another person to disappoint. What a great mindset with which to approach recovery!

Catherine628

In our case "I'm thinking about drinking" meant "I'm drunk." But regardless, that's what recovery is for. He has to learn to manage his feelings/cravings/life.

Katchie

Its easier to say that than be accountable. A cop out.

choublak

From what I've seen, most sponsors have an instinct where they can tell who is serious about recovery, and who isn't. An experienced sponsor isn't going to fall for lies and manipulation, so I imagine it would be tough to get a sponsor's hopes up and then let said sponsor down, because they won't buy it to begin with.

Seren

Actually, those exact words have started many a thread in the Newcomers and Alcoholism forums here on SR. It's not uncommon. I think it would do him a world of good to say those words to a sponsor or fellow alcoholic or even a counselor.

I'm sorry, Ixi, that he tried to lay it all in your lap again.

choublak

Which is how it should be done. Unfortunately, the world doesn't operate on "should".

involved

Originally Posted by Ixi
I know. But he says he doesn't want a sponsor because he doesn't want another person to disappoint. What a great mindset with which to approach recovery!

He's not all the way ready yet. Maybe someday he will be ready to do the hard work of recovery and choose a sponsor, but you cant do anything about that. Thats in his time... If I got that text I would have said what you thought! "Thats why you need a sponsor, nothing I can do for you". Because thats the honest truth for both of you. I read your back post a bit and see that he has been to meetings and read the BB so he KNOWS what he needs to do...he is just not there yet. And by your post you also know the right things to say and do so you understand how hard change and controling our emotions and thinking and responses are. And all we can control is our own side of the street!

Hawkeye13

His recovery is his problem, your recovery is your problem.

Don't buy in

hopeful4

One thing I had to get very clear with my AH is that I am not his sponsor nor his support system. I will encourage him, but hearing how he wants to drink or his anxiety about it sends my own anxiety through the roof and makes me unwell. That is why they need their own support system who is not tied to them emoationally. That is why having a sponsor works, they can support them and give them tough love when they need it b/c for one, they have been there, for two, they are not tied to them emoationally in the same way.

It is not your duty to be that person for him, and it will only damage you in the process.

God Bless.

FireSprite

I would say (& have said)... "then it sounds like you would benefit from a meeting? Sorry to hear that you are feeling stressed!"

BadCompany

You tell him you don't have anything for him to drink so you can't help him. If he wants to stay sober maybe you might have something to talk about.

lillamy

"And I'm thinking about having a bowl of cereal. Have a nice life."

(No, i'm not really suggesting you say that. I think that's a great e-mail to not respond to.)

readerbaby71

This. Even though he doesn't have a sponsor, he might have AA friends he could call. I'd suggest that too.

Refiner

Oh Boooo Hooooo forever the victim he is. This is what they do. And my guess is that first "drink" had long passed through his lips.

HopefulinFLA

To that I would add I love you and hope you don't drink.

It's so hard when they do this stuff!