PippiLngstockng

Xah had a one-week stay with the children recently. For the first time since the judge ordered these unsupervised visits (last summer, this was the fourth one-week visit), there was no high drama. He didn't harrass the children or threaten to send DS16 to the police for talking back to his father, no changing addresses and disappearing with the children in the high mountains, no major risk-taking - and no apparent drinking.

He did give them everything they wanted - expensive ski equipment and luxury lodging with a pool, week ski passes at a fancy resort, lots of soda and tv and pink donuts...the strategy seemed to be give-them-what-they-want-don't-say-no. Nevermind that we don't have enough money for food and rent, let alone health care and shoes.

Anyway, 10 days have gone by and I still haven't heard much except it was fun, he let them do whatever they wanted and he was really loving (!) to the younger two (and ok with the older kids,too).

If I compare this report to the chaos he was creating this time last year, I have to acknowledge there's improvement. He even calls regularly on Sundays.

I am not in communication with him unless absolutely necessary. To the point where if he calls the house and I pick up, I pass on the phone to one of the children without saying a word to him.

He isn't a healthy person and the children see that. But I see he is making an effort with them.

Could he maybe have figured out some things along the way without getting into counselling/AA? The children said there was no drinking and they watched his every move.

Rosiepetal

Well it all sounds great for the kids.
I guess it's wait & see what happens next & if he keeps it up.
Doesn't it annoy you when the kids get to do as they please & lots of expensive gifts & travel when you're the one slumming it?
I know how you feel.

Hawkeye13

Well, it also does remove some of your stress having to leave them with him.
However, nobody should remind him of that part or he might act out again.

I'm glad kids are seeing some loving from him, and the more regular phone calls.
Maybe your detachment (handing off the phone etc.) is pointing up that
his relationship with the children is not about the dynamic between you himself?

How are you doing these days?

JustAGirl1971

I think as difficult as it is, I'd try not to ascribe any motives to his behavior. That way if/when he behaves jerkishly again, it won't be such a disappointment. Honestly, most people can behave for a week if they really apply themselves! And, lots of alcoholics can give up drinking for a week or two, if they need to. Given your past descriptions of your X, I really wouldn't want to let my guard down as he could have ulterior motives... he may be trying to lull you into a sense of complacency. Or, he could be trying to make some changes. Only time will tell. (Though if he were really trying to make some changes you would think that would include making sure his kids needs are met rather than spending so extravagantly on a 'want.')

I'm glad your kids had a wonderful time

dandylion

PIPPI---I so totally agree with JustAgirl!!!!!!! I feel so strongly about this because my ex--my children's father was/is a narcissist! I have identified with your plight so much because he tried to make my life a living He**. The kids are adults and I haven't had contact with him for years (thank Heavens). Complete and total detachment from him was the only really effective tool that brought me peace. I did learn many lessons in dealing with narcissistic personality disorders during those years. I learned in the school of hard knocks.

My suggestions to you: Do not raise your expectations of him. Do not assume this "nice guy" is going to last. Who knows what his motivation is??
Remember that if you extend your hand--the narcissist will take your arm!! Enough said.

My ex could look like a sheep, at times, briefly. But I had learned that beneath the sheep's clothing--beats the heart of a wolf." Grrrrr.

This will be just one more thing to put into the book that you write!
By the way--I would love to help with the editing.

Hold steady, sister.

dandylion

MissFixit

That is great for your kids. They deserve that nice time with their dad. I hope it helps them feel better about him.

hopeful4

What's the saying Pipp...Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. This time it was good, that is great for your kids. However, keep moving forward and don't change how you feel about any of it. Addicts go through ups and downs all the time. You never know what you will get, that is part of why they are so hard to live with.

Have a blessed day!

Hammer

Sometimes No Bad is a Good Thing, Pips!

Mrs. Hammer and the kids just headed out the door to Lego Land and Rainforest Cafe today. Yeah, I know American Middle Class.

She was fussing, but the kids all had their Vidiot Games and iThings, and already tuning out. They will have fun and be fine.

But Hawkeye sort of nailed it . . .

Yunno with No Worry About the A, No Worry About the Kids . . . .

Just what is Our Girl, Pippi going to be working on?

Love you. You will do fine. Same as ever -- Get prayed up, and Go With God.

FireSprite

I glad it was much nicer for the kids this time around, but I definitely agree with the "wait & see" approach considering his history. You never know when more will be revealed, right?

PippiLngstockng

Hi lovely people,

Sorry it has taken me ages to reply. Sometimes I need a long while to process.

In the meantime, don't worry, I haven't gone soft in the head! :-). I know who Xah is now, more or less. Sometimes he's like a sweet talking snake. Come here children, let me help you with that...then - ouch! He bites.

That's what keeps me a nervous wreck when I have to leave them with him.

What I have to allow however, is that for all he has done to us, the children love him. I don't and can't and just want him out of my life. It is hard for me to understand how they can continue to accept his crumbs, but children are closer to the angels and they forgive and they are loving and flexible. I have to grow up more and recognize that their love for their father is real and I don't need to be threatened by it.

Xah and I were very competitive with each other. I don't have to play into that dynamic any longer. It's weird and unhealthy. Let him be who he is now and let me redefine the course of my life on my terms.

I started a vocational training program this week and I am excited to be learning and seeing possibilities for my near future that I like. I was terrified to take this step forward. But no regrets.

Everything I have learned from Al Anon has been dead-on. To all those newer to the teachings, keep with it, give yourself time and believe you and your higher power will find yourself out of the alcoholic mess.

Hawkeye13

Thanks for the update and good luck in your vocational program

How's things on the romantic front, if you don't mind my asking.
If ya do, just say "none o' yer beezwax Hawk" and I'm good.

I'm guess I'm just hoping you can find a real prince this time--you've been alone
and dealing with AXH for a long time it seems.

Don't forget your needs as you worry so much about kids and money and such.

PippiLngstockng

Yeah, Hawkeye, for a long while I thought the only way I'd get through all this would be with the help of a rescuing prince.

Turns out, seems the way this story is written is I get to be my own hero.

The other day a certain friend got in my car that needed a ride. He is the same friend who has helped carry my luggage and keeps with me during races and encourages me to go faster just at the right time to help me perform my best.

Well, when my friend got in my car (it's a big Powerful shiny thing) he was watching me back out of a tight spot and commenting how well I handle it, esp given my smallish size. I had an overwhelming desire to hand him the wheel. 18 years of marriage and I've always had a big man drive me places and back out my car in tight spots.

But I stayed in the driver's seat, remembering I am just learning new pleasures in relying on myself. I don't think this is the time to give up control of my rig :-)

One day maybe I will kick back, put my bare feet up on the dash and give a nice strong man my keys. But not today.

53500

Good for you!! I am new here and not familiar with your story. But this part - yes yes!! Best of all worlds is when you can enjoy that nice strong man if and when he is there. But you don't NEED to have him there because you are a nice strong woman and your own hero! And just reading this post I can see that not only are you your own hero but you're a hero and wonderful example to your children.

PippiLngstockng

Hi I'm back

Well, Xah has the children for a week at a beach hotel on the Med. And this is the initial report from the kids: 'he seems normal'. I ask, 'normal for him or normal normal'? 'He's normal normal.'

I caught a look at him from my kitchen window as he was pulling out. Yup. No bloated face, no play-acting sad and pitiful, no tense angry crazy man.

Then he keeps sending me emails as though I am on speaking terms with him and all the past is forgotten. He's calm, asking constantly for advice about the children, what to buy them, how to improve his communication with them, etc.

The stormy seas are suddenly quiet and still. The sun is shining and you'd think it's all okay again.

He's removed all the consequences he doesn't like from his past wrongs. He's got the house, the money, our stuff, everyone's sympathy (but mine and my family's/friend's) and he gets to take these lovely trips to Europe and charge them to child support/alimony. He posts on FB when he comes this way (according to my family who follows his nonsense) and gets lots of likes. He loves those likes.

He thinks it's all settled and we are just a normal divorcing couple.

I am starting to miss him being scary and out of control. Except not at all, because the children may be safer now.

Though the calm is eerie. And normal this is NOT.

embraced2000

been there, pippi. during my XAH brief moments of sobriety and sanity, I did not know him or how to interact with him. he was a stranger to me at these times.

it would leave me feeling all unsettled, uncomfortable, threatened.

looking back, I think it was because the only tools I had to cope with his behaviors were my toxic tools....although we all know by now that these kind of tools don't work.

when it became apparent that I was going to have to learn new tools, it blew my hair back! could I? should I? would I? what if.....?

lots of quacking in my own brain.

ladyscribbler

My first thought is this is a ruse. Your final settlement is drawing nigh, maybe he's playing nice hoping to lull you into complacency. Funny that the opposite has happened. Or he's found someone else and no longer cares about tormenting you and is doing the perfect dad act to impress someone. My folks were extra super creepy nice to us kids when they both thought the judge in the custody case was going to ask us where we wanted to live. When that didn't happen they reverted to type.
Who knows? Be glad for your kids but stay wary. Hope all your stuff gets resolved soon.

PippiLngstockng

Thanks so much, LS and E2000. After some reflection, I think there are two things going on.

1. He is liable to succeed better in his goals (settlement. Also, half summer visit with children in US coming up for him this summer, opportunity to show everyone what a great guy he is) if he can win over the kids and convince them to trust him.

2. He seems sober. Not as in in recovery, but he's radiating a very different energy. Maybe it's also another woman. I thought of that, too! He's cleaned up his act.

Which gives him more power and control.

He's managed to clean up the mess and if he convinces the kids that nothing much happened in the past and all is well now ( except Mom is strangely a nervous wreck - she must be nuts) then he's all set.

It's part of the cycle of abuse, right? Act like nothing happened.

This is tough for me because he has been effectively convincing at least some of the children that our family breakdown occured because I provoked him, I am overly fearful and I exaggerate. They know he's an alcoholic. But the DV, they somewhat blame me for.

Even having witnessed it themselves. Children are trusting and malleable. Trouble is, I have to live with them saying these things to me, ' mom, you provoke! You exaggerate! Mom, it wasn't that bad. It isn't like you had to go to the hospital or anything'.

This sets them up in life to perpetuate/live with DV as grown-ups.

It seems as though he won't rest until everything is completely destroyed.

Sorry for being so negative! I really appreciate your support!!!

PippiLngstockng

Thank heavens I have a home here. I need to stop looking out the proverbial kitchen window at him. Then I need to pray to God, and make my home here the best it can be for myself and the children. It's been a gorgeous spring. Time to redirect my focus on rebuilding our lives!!!

Florence

Nothing is permanent. I wouldn't hang my hat on what he's doing today or tomorrow. If his pattern is abuse and manipulation, that's what I would expect and be pleasantly surprised and/or satiated by anything else. This could also be the upswing in the cycle of abuse -- apologize and make well while building resentments and taking other people's inventory.

Do something nice for yourself today.

MissFixit

Pippi, if it is another woman, that is the best thing for you. He will be happier and less vengeful. He will have other outlets for his time and energy. If there is another woman, I would definitely get everything you want now (I agree w Hammer and would do it anyway) rather than in payments over time or alimony. You will never be able to predict future him and cutting that financial cord is best when dealing with a crazy person.