Optimism on one shoulder, Pessimism on the other
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Optimism on one shoulder, Pessimism on the other
Things are going pretty well around here.
I'm feeling pretty happy lately, focusing on my kiddos and myself. The girls are happy and learning new things - awesome. I'm learning new things about myself and working hard to let go of my bad habits and unhealthy ways of thinking and just keep moving forward.
RAH has been very easy going, loving, quick to apologize and validate my feelings when he says something hurtful (which is cool because I feel comfortable apologizing to him when I say something hurtful too.) He looks healthy, skinnier and younger.
About once a week we have a disagreement but we don't raise our voices or yell and when one of is upset we wait until we're on the phone to air out our feelings so none of our stuff is done in front of our girls - which when he is here it's the girls' time to spend with their dad, not a time for he and I to hash out our feelings.
In a nutshell, if things keep progressing on this path, I'm going to be a very happy lady. I'm pretty happy right now and all things considered, I couldn't really ask for more. BUT I feel like I'm afraid to really embrace this happy little scenario I have going on right now. Like if I let my guard down I'm gonna get knocked on my butt and I'm not going to see it coming and it's going to be really bad.
People who have gone down the recovery process with their spouse, did you have a cloud of pessimism in the back of your mind? Are you supposed to be slightly pessimistic to be on guard for another possible relapse? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be on guard 24/7 or if it's wise for myself to just full on enjoy things right now since they're good. More of a "what happens, happens" attitude or a "things are good…for now."
I'm feeling pretty happy lately, focusing on my kiddos and myself. The girls are happy and learning new things - awesome. I'm learning new things about myself and working hard to let go of my bad habits and unhealthy ways of thinking and just keep moving forward.
RAH has been very easy going, loving, quick to apologize and validate my feelings when he says something hurtful (which is cool because I feel comfortable apologizing to him when I say something hurtful too.) He looks healthy, skinnier and younger.
About once a week we have a disagreement but we don't raise our voices or yell and when one of is upset we wait until we're on the phone to air out our feelings so none of our stuff is done in front of our girls - which when he is here it's the girls' time to spend with their dad, not a time for he and I to hash out our feelings.
In a nutshell, if things keep progressing on this path, I'm going to be a very happy lady. I'm pretty happy right now and all things considered, I couldn't really ask for more. BUT I feel like I'm afraid to really embrace this happy little scenario I have going on right now. Like if I let my guard down I'm gonna get knocked on my butt and I'm not going to see it coming and it's going to be really bad.
People who have gone down the recovery process with their spouse, did you have a cloud of pessimism in the back of your mind? Are you supposed to be slightly pessimistic to be on guard for another possible relapse? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be on guard 24/7 or if it's wise for myself to just full on enjoy things right now since they're good. More of a "what happens, happens" attitude or a "things are good…for now."
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Good question Stung
I feel a bit like that.
I'm trying to do a bit of both. Relax and enjoy it for what it is......one day at a time...while at the same time have lots of other things going on in my life that will "cushion the blow" should the worse happen.
I await the BTDT responses with interest.
I feel a bit like that.
I'm trying to do a bit of both. Relax and enjoy it for what it is......one day at a time...while at the same time have lots of other things going on in my life that will "cushion the blow" should the worse happen.
I await the BTDT responses with interest.
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I wasn't married to my A, so maybe that makes a difference, but I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that something was going to happen or go wrong in the relationship. Some might think that negative feeling was the cause of the relationship ending (it was one of those nonsensical back and forth things for a couple of years-we never lived together)
That feeling became a reality in January, when the other shoe dropped (after a really great year, seeing each other a couple times a week for all 52 weeks) and the nagging feelings became a reality....I will always trust my gut feelings from now on.
One of my favorite saying on here is "More will be revealed" and usually more IS revealed as time goes on..
That feeling became a reality in January, when the other shoe dropped (after a really great year, seeing each other a couple times a week for all 52 weeks) and the nagging feelings became a reality....I will always trust my gut feelings from now on.
One of my favorite saying on here is "More will be revealed" and usually more IS revealed as time goes on..
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It's not like a nagging feeling that something isn't right. Like a "it feels like something shady is going on and I don't know exactly what is off but something just isn't right." I don't feel like that right now. (Or as my husband would say, "I don't feel like that YET.")
It's more like things are going good and then I hit myself with a bunch of realistic but negative what-if type scenarios and then reason that I'm doing myself a favor by thinking that something, anything could go wrong at anytime so I shouldn't believe that this happy period is sustainable.
…it's kind of like going scuba diving and keeping it in the back of your mind that your gear could fail you and rather than just full on enjoying your diving experience. Rather than a nagging feeling of "I'm pretty sure that there is something wrong my gear, something doesn't feel right here." Hopefully that makes more sense.
I guess I'm just very aware of the risk/failure propensity in our marriage and I've never been so acutely aware of it before. Our relationship has always felt like a sure thing. Now everyday I wake up and think about good stuff and the risks in similar measures.
It's more like things are going good and then I hit myself with a bunch of realistic but negative what-if type scenarios and then reason that I'm doing myself a favor by thinking that something, anything could go wrong at anytime so I shouldn't believe that this happy period is sustainable.
…it's kind of like going scuba diving and keeping it in the back of your mind that your gear could fail you and rather than just full on enjoying your diving experience. Rather than a nagging feeling of "I'm pretty sure that there is something wrong my gear, something doesn't feel right here." Hopefully that makes more sense.
I guess I'm just very aware of the risk/failure propensity in our marriage and I've never been so acutely aware of it before. Our relationship has always felt like a sure thing. Now everyday I wake up and think about good stuff and the risks in similar measures.
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One day at a time...you cant change anything, if the shucks is gonna hit the fan, its gonna hit tje fan...so just try to relax and enjoy today and appreciate the progress! No one is perfect. And a stumble doesnt mean the end. But yes it could. And sometimes we need to skin our knees to learn a lesson...There are no guarantees in life. Enjoy the good and stop wasting today looking at tomorrow!
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What are your expectations, if any? How long does he have sober?
The benchmark that I was given here and in counseling was one year. If in a year my STBXAH was able to get and stay sober and work an active program, we had a chance of making it. I was advised, until then, to focus on myself and not fantasize about what the future held for us as a couple. It was wise advice. Usually around a couple of months of his sobriety time (if he ever amassed that much at all, considering how much I found out later he was able to drink in secret), I would let my guard down and get smacked across the face with reality when he "slipped" and started drinking sloppily enough for me to confirm it again.
Your mileage may vary. But I like the one year mark. A lot of things can happen in a year.
The benchmark that I was given here and in counseling was one year. If in a year my STBXAH was able to get and stay sober and work an active program, we had a chance of making it. I was advised, until then, to focus on myself and not fantasize about what the future held for us as a couple. It was wise advice. Usually around a couple of months of his sobriety time (if he ever amassed that much at all, considering how much I found out later he was able to drink in secret), I would let my guard down and get smacked across the face with reality when he "slipped" and started drinking sloppily enough for me to confirm it again.
Your mileage may vary. But I like the one year mark. A lot of things can happen in a year.
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Another thing, real quick. My counselor used to ask me how long I could "live like this," whatever it was. How long could I continue to have this exact relationship with my mother? How long could I continue to dance this exact dance with my then-AH? At some point, it stopped being a rhetorical question.
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2 months of sobriety.
I have no expectations for him. He's doing his own thing, it seems to be working for him. I'm doing my own thing and it seems to be working for me. Our kids are happy. The last two weekends we have done two small family outings together and you'd think that we were escaping on family vacations by the way he responds afterwards. He thanks me for allowing him to spend time with us and tells me how much fun he had being with us.
I anticipate that some unforeseen hardship will hit and then he'll relapse and then recover again. At this point, that wouldn't really effect our kids or me at all (unless I start thinking about other variables, like if he relapsed and went on some kind of crazy months long bender), other than resetting the 1 year sobriety clock. We have a mutual understanding that 1 year is the realistic time frame for when he can move back in.
I have everything under control on my end so I don't need anything from him and the girls are pretty content only seeing him on weekends. Even if he were living here he wouldn't see the girls much more than he does right now anyway. I want to have a loving and honest marriage but I'm very well aware that it just isn't in the cards right now, and that's fine.
I have no expectations for him. He's doing his own thing, it seems to be working for him. I'm doing my own thing and it seems to be working for me. Our kids are happy. The last two weekends we have done two small family outings together and you'd think that we were escaping on family vacations by the way he responds afterwards. He thanks me for allowing him to spend time with us and tells me how much fun he had being with us.
I anticipate that some unforeseen hardship will hit and then he'll relapse and then recover again. At this point, that wouldn't really effect our kids or me at all (unless I start thinking about other variables, like if he relapsed and went on some kind of crazy months long bender), other than resetting the 1 year sobriety clock. We have a mutual understanding that 1 year is the realistic time frame for when he can move back in.
I have everything under control on my end so I don't need anything from him and the girls are pretty content only seeing him on weekends. Even if he were living here he wouldn't see the girls much more than he does right now anyway. I want to have a loving and honest marriage but I'm very well aware that it just isn't in the cards right now, and that's fine.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I know exactly how you are feeling. I can say that it does get better, easier each day. The possibility of a relapse is still there, and it does get me down if I let it. If it does happen, I will be hurt, but I do believe I can handle it better and I know I will be okay.
I keep working my program - counseling, AlAnon, self care. I work hard at being self aware. I know that only I can make me happy. I remember that more will be revealed (i.e., if he relapses he can hide it for only so long). I don't worry about things I have no control over.
I trust what I experience - how is he treating me? Is he openly communicating with me? Is he taking responsibility for himself? Is he pulling his weight around the house? When I've found him falling back in one of those areas I call him on it. We've talked a lot about needing to see consistent behaviors.
Expectations to me are a tricky one - I find value in keeping them low...for example, we took a vacation last month and I was a little anxious about it because I wasn't sure that RAH would enjoy it. However, I knew that it was a vacation spot I LOVE, so I resolved to have a great time - regardless of whether or not he did. We ended up having an awesome time - RAH was talking about taking another trip there before we left. I also know that I want more from my marriage than the bare minimum so I struggle with expectations.
The damage to our relationship occurred over a long period of time, so I fully expect the recovery of our relationship will also take a long time. So long as the day to day is enjoyable and I see improvement in our relationship overall, I'm willing to continue to put the effort in.
I keep working my program - counseling, AlAnon, self care. I work hard at being self aware. I know that only I can make me happy. I remember that more will be revealed (i.e., if he relapses he can hide it for only so long). I don't worry about things I have no control over.
I trust what I experience - how is he treating me? Is he openly communicating with me? Is he taking responsibility for himself? Is he pulling his weight around the house? When I've found him falling back in one of those areas I call him on it. We've talked a lot about needing to see consistent behaviors.
Expectations to me are a tricky one - I find value in keeping them low...for example, we took a vacation last month and I was a little anxious about it because I wasn't sure that RAH would enjoy it. However, I knew that it was a vacation spot I LOVE, so I resolved to have a great time - regardless of whether or not he did. We ended up having an awesome time - RAH was talking about taking another trip there before we left. I also know that I want more from my marriage than the bare minimum so I struggle with expectations.
The damage to our relationship occurred over a long period of time, so I fully expect the recovery of our relationship will also take a long time. So long as the day to day is enjoyable and I see improvement in our relationship overall, I'm willing to continue to put the effort in.
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Stung . . . I think you are describing . . . . balance.
And balance is a Very Rare and Very Valuable thing in this realm.
I guess at two months, Mrs. Hammer was just zooming up and down like a stunt flyer, or a kite without a tail.
She would get apart, feel desperate and lonely and then come almost like stalk attack (like freaky friendly) mode, and then feel too close and zoom away.
About like a less crazy version of Blake's XGF. Guess it makes sense. Similar Mental Illness, just differing magnitudes.
But about you and yours. Sounds Great. Keep doing what you are doing. Just my two centavos.
And balance is a Very Rare and Very Valuable thing in this realm.
I guess at two months, Mrs. Hammer was just zooming up and down like a stunt flyer, or a kite without a tail.
She would get apart, feel desperate and lonely and then come almost like stalk attack (like freaky friendly) mode, and then feel too close and zoom away.
About like a less crazy version of Blake's XGF. Guess it makes sense. Similar Mental Illness, just differing magnitudes.
But about you and yours. Sounds Great. Keep doing what you are doing. Just my two centavos.
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I think what you are feeling is normal.
Your relationship has changed and you are trying to figure out if these new dynamics will work long term. Only time will tell.
As for you, since you now understand that you control only yourself, that means that continuing to be healthy in new healthier relationship means a bit more independence on your front than perhaps you had before. Independence in the sense that you won't be devastated IF things don't pan out, not saying they will, but you now know that it is safer to have a plan B. Part of that plan B is having part of your life outside the confines of your relationship, so IF not when things go awry, you are not wholy consumed, you will have a consistent life outside of him. For people who work, this usually means their job or a set of strong friends. Your musical interest might be a good place to invest in this.
Your relationship has changed and you are trying to figure out if these new dynamics will work long term. Only time will tell.
As for you, since you now understand that you control only yourself, that means that continuing to be healthy in new healthier relationship means a bit more independence on your front than perhaps you had before. Independence in the sense that you won't be devastated IF things don't pan out, not saying they will, but you now know that it is safer to have a plan B. Part of that plan B is having part of your life outside the confines of your relationship, so IF not when things go awry, you are not wholy consumed, you will have a consistent life outside of him. For people who work, this usually means their job or a set of strong friends. Your musical interest might be a good place to invest in this.
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Maybe it is just balance and I'm just not used to it anymore. I think I want security and I used to have that in our relationship.
MissFixIt - I mean this in a non-debatey way, but being a full time parent IS a full time job and comes with a full schedule. Even when I was less comfortable with our separation, it was the weekends that were more difficult for me. However, since he's only here for a few hours on the weekends and I only talk to him on the phone a few days during the week, he only makes up a small portion of my life at this point. Ditto for our kids. I took my kids to Disneyland for a few days with my mom last month and I thought I was going to have such a hard time without RAH there with me. Nope. It was no problem. It would have been fun to have a totally reliable predictable RAH there too but we had just as much fun without him that we've ever had with him.
Life goes on with or without him. I just feel like such a negative Nancy saying that though.
MissFixIt - I mean this in a non-debatey way, but being a full time parent IS a full time job and comes with a full schedule. Even when I was less comfortable with our separation, it was the weekends that were more difficult for me. However, since he's only here for a few hours on the weekends and I only talk to him on the phone a few days during the week, he only makes up a small portion of my life at this point. Ditto for our kids. I took my kids to Disneyland for a few days with my mom last month and I thought I was going to have such a hard time without RAH there with me. Nope. It was no problem. It would have been fun to have a totally reliable predictable RAH there too but we had just as much fun without him that we've ever had with him.
Life goes on with or without him. I just feel like such a negative Nancy saying that though.
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Maybe it is just balance and I'm just not used to it anymore. I think I want security and I used to have that in our relationship.
MissFixIt - I mean this in a non-debatey way, but being a full time parent IS a full time job and comes with a full schedule. Even when I was less comfortable with our separation, it was the weekends that were more difficult for me. However, since he's only here for a few hours on the weekends and I only talk to him on the phone a few days during the week, he only makes up a small portion of my life at this point. Ditto for our kids. I took my kids to Disneyland for a few days with my mom last month and I thought I was going to have such a hard time without RAH there with me. Nope. It was no problem. It would have been fun to have a totally reliable predictable RAH there too but we had just as much fun without him that we've ever had with him.
Life goes on with or without him. I just feel like such a negative Nancy saying that though.
MissFixIt - I mean this in a non-debatey way, but being a full time parent IS a full time job and comes with a full schedule. Even when I was less comfortable with our separation, it was the weekends that were more difficult for me. However, since he's only here for a few hours on the weekends and I only talk to him on the phone a few days during the week, he only makes up a small portion of my life at this point. Ditto for our kids. I took my kids to Disneyland for a few days with my mom last month and I thought I was going to have such a hard time without RAH there with me. Nope. It was no problem. It would have been fun to have a totally reliable predictable RAH there too but we had just as much fun without him that we've ever had with him.
Life goes on with or without him. I just feel like such a negative Nancy saying that though.
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Life goes on with or without him. I just feel like such a negative Nancy saying that though.
They say theres nothing sexier than a confident women! And wether its him or someone else...its healthy to be independent in a relationship! Having your own lives is satisfying and keeps conversation interesting! Or Heaven forbid, if something bad happened to him (or maybe the next one) if you lost him you wouldnt feel like you lost your whole world! This independence is good...Its not like jr high when you could only have one best friend ha! You sound like you are doing great!
They say theres nothing sexier than a confident women! And wether its him or someone else...its healthy to be independent in a relationship! Having your own lives is satisfying and keeps conversation interesting! Or Heaven forbid, if something bad happened to him (or maybe the next one) if you lost him you wouldnt feel like you lost your whole world! This independence is good...Its not like jr high when you could only have one best friend ha! You sound like you are doing great!
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Stung--I don't consider keeping your eyes wide open as pessimistic---I consider it REALISTIC.
I fully get what MissFixIt is saying. That is where your real security will come from. From trusting yourself and your feelings and your abilities. The longer time goes on---the stronger you will feel. I say this from my own personal experience.
I say--stay steady in what you are doing. Apparently, you are riding a winning horse. One of my favorite sayings is: "Never get off a winning horse in the middle of the stream"
dandylion
I fully get what MissFixIt is saying. That is where your real security will come from. From trusting yourself and your feelings and your abilities. The longer time goes on---the stronger you will feel. I say this from my own personal experience.
I say--stay steady in what you are doing. Apparently, you are riding a winning horse. One of my favorite sayings is: "Never get off a winning horse in the middle of the stream"
dandylion
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I totally understand. I too am afraid to ever let my guard down. What I am trying to focus on is truly living in the moment and letting myself be ok with not knowing the future. It is and always been so hard for me to do that, but in every aspect of recovery, no matter what you are recovering from, that is what is recommended.
I see the therapist tonight who is going to work with me on getting through the anxiety I have about the future. If I get any great tips I will share!
God Bless, I think you are doing great and glad to hear the kiddos are too!
I see the therapist tonight who is going to work with me on getting through the anxiety I have about the future. If I get any great tips I will share!
God Bless, I think you are doing great and glad to hear the kiddos are too!
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I think what you are feeling is an awareness about things in the way that you can't ever "un-see" where this road has taken you.
An awareness that yes, 2 months is a wonderful achievement & you aren't trying to negate those strides in recovery BUT you have to be realistic & also balance that thought with the understanding that it is *only* 2 months (for both parties,
); that you are still living apart, sharing only structured & limited time together.
Yes - all of the good is worth acknowledging but you can't let it get carried away, floating on hope either... so there's this odd new sense of neutrality that you can't quite define. I was used to being on one side OR the other, very definitively (aggressing or defending). I didn't necessarily LIKE those definitions/roles but they provided me boundaries of what to expect as well so there was a certain comfort in the codie dance for me. I had no barometer for this neutral point & that alone made it uncomfortable.
It won't last forever, or more truthfully, it will level out in relation to the continuing path or healthy recovery, IMO. It's like a teeter-totter that moves ever-so-slowly toward that balance between the 2 extremes. In the beginning I thought it was about getting to a 50/50 trust in him & trust in me but over time I realized that it really comes down to 100% trust in me, by me.
An awareness that yes, 2 months is a wonderful achievement & you aren't trying to negate those strides in recovery BUT you have to be realistic & also balance that thought with the understanding that it is *only* 2 months (for both parties,
); that you are still living apart, sharing only structured & limited time together. Yes - all of the good is worth acknowledging but you can't let it get carried away, floating on hope either... so there's this odd new sense of neutrality that you can't quite define. I was used to being on one side OR the other, very definitively (aggressing or defending). I didn't necessarily LIKE those definitions/roles but they provided me boundaries of what to expect as well so there was a certain comfort in the codie dance for me. I had no barometer for this neutral point & that alone made it uncomfortable.
It won't last forever, or more truthfully, it will level out in relation to the continuing path or healthy recovery, IMO. It's like a teeter-totter that moves ever-so-slowly toward that balance between the 2 extremes. In the beginning I thought it was about getting to a 50/50 trust in him & trust in me but over time I realized that it really comes down to 100% trust in me, by me.
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