Need reassurance that I'm doing this the right way.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Need reassurance that I'm doing this the right way.
As I posted yesterday, my husband went out on Friday night and ended up in the ER after having a seizure while using coke. I picked him up yesterday morning from the hospital and took him home. He slept for a long time and when he woke up he said he was feeling anxious again and needed to calm down, needed alcohol. He drank three beers and said he was feeling better and but needed more alcohol to ensure he didn't have another seizure.
I told him no way, I wasn't going to go get him alcohol. He said either I go get alcohol or I leave. Or he would leave and go out. I told him to do what he needed to do, but offered to take him somewhere to get help. He said no, not tonight, tomorrow. I begged him but he refused. My kids were at my mom and dad's, a two hour drive away. I had been there since he left Friday night.
Anyway, I decided to leave and go be with the kids since he was drinking and I won't be his hostage to sit there and go through his drunken mood swings. I didn't want to leave him alone but I felt like I had no choice. I stopped putting myself in stupid situations a long time ago, where he's drunk and I stay against my better judgment so I can babysit him.
He lost his phone Friday night and we don't have a house line. He could be dead for all I know. Could have had another seizure last night. I'm doing okay but still anxious and worried. My plan was to check on him in the morning when I drive home to go to work and take the kids to school. But that's hours away. Part of me wants to jump in the car and go make sure he's alright, but that's a four-hour round trip and I'm exhausted. I don't know if I'm being dramatic by being worried I'll find him dead tomorrow. I'm afraid if I drive down there today, he'll be fine and it will just make me angry.
Am I doing the right thing staying here? It's all on me because none of his family lives here, they're all in England. I told his mom about the seizure and she's booking a flight, more to support me and the kids than anything else.
I told him no way, I wasn't going to go get him alcohol. He said either I go get alcohol or I leave. Or he would leave and go out. I told him to do what he needed to do, but offered to take him somewhere to get help. He said no, not tonight, tomorrow. I begged him but he refused. My kids were at my mom and dad's, a two hour drive away. I had been there since he left Friday night.
Anyway, I decided to leave and go be with the kids since he was drinking and I won't be his hostage to sit there and go through his drunken mood swings. I didn't want to leave him alone but I felt like I had no choice. I stopped putting myself in stupid situations a long time ago, where he's drunk and I stay against my better judgment so I can babysit him.
He lost his phone Friday night and we don't have a house line. He could be dead for all I know. Could have had another seizure last night. I'm doing okay but still anxious and worried. My plan was to check on him in the morning when I drive home to go to work and take the kids to school. But that's hours away. Part of me wants to jump in the car and go make sure he's alright, but that's a four-hour round trip and I'm exhausted. I don't know if I'm being dramatic by being worried I'll find him dead tomorrow. I'm afraid if I drive down there today, he'll be fine and it will just make me angry.
Am I doing the right thing staying here? It's all on me because none of his family lives here, they're all in England. I told his mom about the seizure and she's booking a flight, more to support me and the kids than anything else.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
You're doing fine. Take care of yourself and your kids. Future tripping will get you nowhere. If he kills himself with this disease, it'll happen whether you're there or not. Being worried if you'll find him dead is often a part of codependency, half reality and a whole lot of being wrapped up in the alcoholism and not taking care of ourselves. The reality we lived in for far too long was a whole lot of drama. The only way out of it is working on our own recovery. ((((hugs))))
Have either of you been to AA/Alanon/Celebrate Recovery? If you have phone numbers you can call anyone you've met there and turn this over to them. This call is for you, because you need help. They can check on him and deal with this. It's not your job. It's for his sponsor and counselor -- if he doesn't have those there are others you can call to turn this over to, including the police. Your his wife, not his babysitter or therapist. Sending good wishes your way.
Have either of you been to AA/Alanon/Celebrate Recovery? If you have phone numbers you can call anyone you've met there and turn this over to them. This call is for you, because you need help. They can check on him and deal with this. It's not your job. It's for his sponsor and counselor -- if he doesn't have those there are others you can call to turn this over to, including the police. Your his wife, not his babysitter or therapist. Sending good wishes your way.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you offered to take him to get help....and you refused to buy him alcohol. as it is hon...you WERE THERE Friday night when he took off and did coke and had a seizure. you cannot stop him from doing what he's going to do, and you are not the panacea for the results of his addiction.
you and the children and safely out of harms way. that's all you can do. if you are truly concerned you can always call 911 and ask someone to stop by the house for a care call.
you and the children and safely out of harms way. that's all you can do. if you are truly concerned you can always call 911 and ask someone to stop by the house for a care call.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
The other night while I was away on a 24 hour trip, we hadn't heard from my AH. NO answering the phone, no return phone calls, no text message answering, etc. He takes 3 meds that should NOT be mixed with alcohol and he drinks (sometimes 12 beers at a time) while on the meds. I was worried that he was going to be dead or that some other catastrophe happened. I called a neighbor and asked him to drive by to just see how things were looking at the house. I also know I could have had the police do a well check visit.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. The children's well being and their safety should be the number 1 priority. HUGS!
I'm sorry that you are going through this. The children's well being and their safety should be the number 1 priority. HUGS!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Emmy,
I know today will be a long day for you! I hope the interview goes really well
I don't know that there is a 'right way' when making decisions in a marriage with an active alcoholic spouse. Just doing what it takes to protect yourself and your children emotionally, physically, and financially is a day-by-day process, I would imagine.
Hang in there!
I know today will be a long day for you! I hope the interview goes really well
I don't know that there is a 'right way' when making decisions in a marriage with an active alcoholic spouse. Just doing what it takes to protect yourself and your children emotionally, physically, and financially is a day-by-day process, I would imagine.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Emmy-
I did something similar when I was getting ready to end my relationship.
I thought I had to find exactly the right thing to say, the right way to behave etc. That is part of my challenge, because I take it on as my fault because I did not "do" it right if/when it explodes.
There is no way to do this, that he might not get upset, have emotions around or potentially be inappropriate. That is about him, not about you. Even if you were to "do" it perfectly you and he might be challenged by this.
I have started to learn that doing it right is taking on me, myself and I (and in your case kids) into account....and not letting someone else tell me how to act, feel or what I need. That was really hard for me, and is part of what this experience taught me.
I did something similar when I was getting ready to end my relationship.
I thought I had to find exactly the right thing to say, the right way to behave etc. That is part of my challenge, because I take it on as my fault because I did not "do" it right if/when it explodes.
There is no way to do this, that he might not get upset, have emotions around or potentially be inappropriate. That is about him, not about you. Even if you were to "do" it perfectly you and he might be challenged by this.
I have started to learn that doing it right is taking on me, myself and I (and in your case kids) into account....and not letting someone else tell me how to act, feel or what I need. That was really hard for me, and is part of what this experience taught me.
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