He can be so mean; is this typical of an A
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 43
I could be asking your same question. My AH has grown more angry & critical over time as his disease has progressed. It used to be he was nice whenever sober & usually nice when drunk, except very occasionally when he was extremely drunk & he would black out he'd get really angry & mean (& there would be no rational sense to his fury.) Gradually he started getting more verbally abusive even when not drunk & the blackouts became more frequent. It got really bad, almost constant, whether he was drinking or not, this last year, to the point I was making plans to leave him (this is after almost a decade together & years of hard drinking). By this time the meanness was also occasionally directed at our children, which was a new development. In my case, I found out the time when it really changed was also the time he started having an affair. I found out about the affair, he stopped getting drunk & has been relatively nice since. But he still gets impatient occasionally & cusses at traffic, etc. I am as baffled by it as you are..total Jekyll & Hyde. My AH can be the sweetest man & so gentle & patient or full of ridicule & sarcastic name-calling, etc. I eventually just started ignoring it & walking away. If he was obviously drunk I'd either ask him to stay elsewhere or take the kids & leave.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 13
Yes. I learned about deflection here. Lately, when he starts saying such mean stuff to me, I say, "You're deflecting, this isn't about me, it's about you." and leave the room. Sometimes he follows me, trying to convince me, and other times he leaves me the h alone because he realizes what he's doing.
You can do it. Baby steps. I'm right there with you.
You can do it. Baby steps. I'm right there with you.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Yes.
Originally Posted by carmen220 
Things he says, "your too sensitive; that's a problem!" "What part of "no" do you not understand?"
He can be incredibly kind one minute and cruel, agitated, short tempered the next. You never know when he's going to have an outburst.
He says, You know (sarcastically) if you have a problem with x,y.z , this isn't going to work" always said as if I AM THE PROBLEM, like it's a threat to me to straighten up.
He likes to say, "you know what's wrong with you?"..." You should act/say/be this way or that way", "what's wrong with you is that you need to drink once in a while. I think that's what you need".
He will say subtle things to cut me down; make me think less of myself. When I stand up for myself, I'm told that I'm just too sensitive or that I act like a child.
Since I've express my concerns over his drinking, he's become meaner. The nice guy is starting to fade.
He still manages to say I love you after he upsets me. Then, he says kind/complimentary things to make up for the mean comments. What kind of love is this.? I'm getting more confused the deeper I am involved with him.
When he's nice, he's almost too nice (like he has a lot to make up for or that he knows he better be nice while he can, because he might turn mean)
He can be incredibly kind one minute and cruel, agitated, short tempered the next. You never know when he's going to have an outburst.
He says, You know (sarcastically) if you have a problem with x,y.z , this isn't going to work" always said as if I AM THE PROBLEM, like it's a threat to me to straighten up.
He likes to say, "you know what's wrong with you?"..." You should act/say/be this way or that way", "what's wrong with you is that you need to drink once in a while. I think that's what you need".
He will say subtle things to cut me down; make me think less of myself. When I stand up for myself, I'm told that I'm just too sensitive or that I act like a child.
Since I've express my concerns over his drinking, he's become meaner. The nice guy is starting to fade.
He still manages to say I love you after he upsets me. Then, he says kind/complimentary things to make up for the mean comments. What kind of love is this.? I'm getting more confused the deeper I am involved with him.
When he's nice, he's almost too nice (like he has a lot to make up for or that he knows he better be nice while he can, because he might turn mean)
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
And if even in recovery it can still be iffy.
Depends on what character defects they deal with.
Depends on what character defects they deal with.
Originally Posted by boomtruck
Typical for me and most of the people I know involved with an A. We refer to it as Jeckle and Hyde (sp?). Sober, you love the guy. Drunk, you want to kill the guy. Don't know what it is about alcohol, but it seems to bring out the worst in most people. How many "happy" drunks have you heard about? And the worst part: if they are a blackout drinker, like mine is/was, then they don't remember any of it. "I can't imagine ever talking to you that way. Why would I say suck horrible things?", is what mine used to always say. Then, I was accused of lying because he "loved" me so much and would never behave so badly. Tried to record it once and got pushed across the kitchen. Didn't try that again. Wish I could say it gets better, but after attending al-anon and SR it won't unless they seek recovery---
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by carmen220
I like/love the one personality. I feel like he's a multiple personality. I love one; I dislike the other. This is why it's SO hard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Yeah! " There is someone out there that can be this magical guy you deserve but as long as you're holding onto this garbage he's giving you, you'll never find true happiness."
I have this friend, not a recovery friend, but he works at a shelter, so he deals with a bunch of A's. Here's a concept he introduced to me:
.
With an alcoholic you never get the real person.
They don't know who they are. They don't know what's up or down. Why should you? You have better things to do than wait for this guy to sober up and take the time to figure out who he really is and for him to learn to love that person. Learn to love YOU.
<3
I have this friend, not a recovery friend, but he works at a shelter, so he deals with a bunch of A's. Here's a concept he introduced to me:
.
With an alcoholic you never get the real person.
They don't know who they are. They don't know what's up or down. Why should you? You have better things to do than wait for this guy to sober up and take the time to figure out who he really is and for him to learn to love that person. Learn to love YOU.
<3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so glad Anvilhead put up the cycle of abuse as that is where my mind went right away. The book mentioned "Inside the Minds of Controlling Men" is a must read for you to evaluate your situation.
If they were mean and rotten all the time we would not be conflicted, thus the honeymoon stage to keep us hooked and trying to hold onto that. It doesn't work. Ever.
If they were mean and rotten all the time we would not be conflicted, thus the honeymoon stage to keep us hooked and trying to hold onto that. It doesn't work. Ever.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Oh, Carmen... OUCH. He is taking it out on you. The thing that jumps out at me is he's wanting to calm the waters so you don't bale from the wedding. B/c then he will most likely be "outted" as to why the wedding is off. It doesn't sound like he's really working a program for himself... and that's the only way to sobriety. What happens if he pulls the wool over your eyes long enough to get you hitched to him then goes back to drinking b/c he's "gotchya"? Be careful. If I were you, I'd call off the wedding indefinitely. You don't want that for the rest of your life!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Even sober they can still behave like morons so sobriety is not a guarantee anything will change.
I had an incident with my S.O last night on the phone, asking a perfectly reasonable question to him and I got a totally unreasonable response because he doesn't handle stress well, I don't know. But that's beside the point,just because one has a low threshold for stress doesn't give licence to start being verbally abusive and I say "start" because as soon as he started I said good night and hung up. Then he sends me this very moronic,childish text which I haven't responded to. And we are talking 37 years sober so as I say, sobriety isn't a guarantee of good emotional health.
I had an incident with my S.O last night on the phone, asking a perfectly reasonable question to him and I got a totally unreasonable response because he doesn't handle stress well, I don't know. But that's beside the point,just because one has a low threshold for stress doesn't give licence to start being verbally abusive and I say "start" because as soon as he started I said good night and hung up. Then he sends me this very moronic,childish text which I haven't responded to. And we are talking 37 years sober so as I say, sobriety isn't a guarantee of good emotional health.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
And the reason I'm sharing this with you besides the fact I need to vent, is when we can get to place where we don't swoop in and try to FIX their bad behaviour and apologize to THEM for their bad behaviour and smooth things over for them, we've made it to a good place. I wish this for you to be able to drop the hooks and not accept crap.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
I was trying to understand his short temper and outburst; it's kind of like a bear or wild animal; you never know when an explosion could happen; over silly things.
I'm trying to figure out if these traits are due to the alcohol in the brain of alcoholics or is it an inherited trait or cultural?
I never know when it will happen; he tends to do it to others and I get very embarrassed and want to hide.
He gets so mad at people for what I(and most people) consider nothing. To him, he says that they didn't show common courtesy, so it makes him mad and he has an outburst towards them. It's things that other people overlook or let it go. He acts like he feels good once he lets it out and that he can quickly forget about it. On the other hand, I don't forget, I'm all shaken up and upset. I don't understand it. How do I explain how wrong this is, so he gets it? Is this a symptom of the alcoholism?
His thinking revolves around others doing what he thinks they should do; what he considers "common courtesy". People should act this way or that way; reflecting his perfectionist ideas on others (including me). I guess this is part of the alcoholism too.
I'm trying to figure out if these traits are due to the alcohol in the brain of alcoholics or is it an inherited trait or cultural?
I never know when it will happen; he tends to do it to others and I get very embarrassed and want to hide.
He gets so mad at people for what I(and most people) consider nothing. To him, he says that they didn't show common courtesy, so it makes him mad and he has an outburst towards them. It's things that other people overlook or let it go. He acts like he feels good once he lets it out and that he can quickly forget about it. On the other hand, I don't forget, I'm all shaken up and upset. I don't understand it. How do I explain how wrong this is, so he gets it? Is this a symptom of the alcoholism?
His thinking revolves around others doing what he thinks they should do; what he considers "common courtesy". People should act this way or that way; reflecting his perfectionist ideas on others (including me). I guess this is part of the alcoholism too.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You can't explain anything to him,only do what is right for you.
Originally Posted by carmen220
I was trying to understand his short temper and outburst; it's kind of like a bear or wild animal; you never know when an explosion could happen; over silly things.
I'm trying to figure out if these traits are due to the alcohol in the brain of alcoholics or is it an inherited trait or cultural?
I never know when it will happen; he tends to do it to others and I get very embarrassed and want to hide.
He gets so mad at people for what I(and most people) consider nothing. To him, he says that they didn't show common courtesy, so it makes him mad and he has an outburst towards them. It's things that other people overlook or let it go. He acts like he feels good once he lets it out and that he can quickly forget about it. On the other hand, I don't forget, I'm all shaken up and upset. I don't understand it. How do I explain how wrong this is, so he gets it? Is this a symptom of the alcoholism?
His thinking revolves around others doing what he thinks they should do; what he considers "common courtesy". People should act this way or that way; reflecting his perfectionist ideas on others (including me). I guess this is part of the alcoholism too.
I'm trying to figure out if these traits are due to the alcohol in the brain of alcoholics or is it an inherited trait or cultural?
I never know when it will happen; he tends to do it to others and I get very embarrassed and want to hide.
He gets so mad at people for what I(and most people) consider nothing. To him, he says that they didn't show common courtesy, so it makes him mad and he has an outburst towards them. It's things that other people overlook or let it go. He acts like he feels good once he lets it out and that he can quickly forget about it. On the other hand, I don't forget, I'm all shaken up and upset. I don't understand it. How do I explain how wrong this is, so he gets it? Is this a symptom of the alcoholism?
His thinking revolves around others doing what he thinks they should do; what he considers "common courtesy". People should act this way or that way; reflecting his perfectionist ideas on others (including me). I guess this is part of the alcoholism too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Maybe this is just who he is--common courtesy doesn't apply to him but does to everyone else according to his standard of perfection.
Maybe that has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism.
Sounds like you'll be walking a long, hard and verbally abusive road with this man
should you choose to go forward.
Every post you've made describing his actions suggests this.
Maybe that has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism.
Sounds like you'll be walking a long, hard and verbally abusive road with this man
should you choose to go forward.
Every post you've made describing his actions suggests this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
That was very typical of my experience with the ex, he could go from being incredibly loving and nice to verbally shredding me in the blink of an eye. It takes a toll on your self-esteem to be sure. My advice is to try and NOT take anything they say personally. I know this is easier said than done. I got the "too sensitive" line myself. I absolutely blamed myself and felt something I was doing must have caused him to act this way. It took me a while after therapy before I started feeling good about myself again.
There is a book called "Under the Influence" I read a while ago about alcoholics. It isn't uncommon for them to be more irritable if they haven't had anything to drink for a while.
There is a book called "Under the Influence" I read a while ago about alcoholics. It isn't uncommon for them to be more irritable if they haven't had anything to drink for a while.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Thanks Ziggy, I thought that the short temper/outburst had something to do with the drinking. I'll check out the book. As I have said, there are many wonderful qualities about him, or I wouldn't be with him. Being on this site has allowed me to recognize what IS and is NOT related to the alcohol. I'm just trying to get that straight in my head.
He keeps telling me that he wants and is going to get help. I'm letting him bring it up. I try not to ask too many questions, because some times he's the easiest person in the world to talk to AND at another time, he's incredibly sensitive and short tempered... and he's pretty sensitive about the topic of alcoholism.
He keeps telling me that he wants and is going to get help. I'm letting him bring it up. I try not to ask too many questions, because some times he's the easiest person in the world to talk to AND at another time, he's incredibly sensitive and short tempered... and he's pretty sensitive about the topic of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
So, it seems like your guy gets really angry at things that most people would let slide... So, how would you feel about YOURSELF if YOU acted the same way he does? I'm guessing you would say that you would feel guilty or ashamed or something like that. That's kind of the standard you'd think a "normal" person might have for them self, right? I think I'm hearing you say that you have a standard for how you and others behave, but not for your guy. He gets to act like an angry toddler, but because he gives you just enough niceness, you stay hooked
And that brings up my next question. What would be a fair consequence if YOU acted like that and just were not going to stop (cause he probably won't)? Do you think your friends and loved ones should just walk away if you act like that? Cut you off completely? Pretend it's not that bad? Argue? Tell you how bad that made them feel?
There are psychological reasons why we allow ourselves to be abused, but we have power to "rewire" our brains.
It really doesn't matter WHY he acts the way he does. The fact is that it hurts you. (I know people say that feelings aren't facts, but it's YOUR reality and YOUR reality is what matters when you are deciding how to respond to situations AND you deserve to FEEL peaceful and good about yourself).
I get you though, about wanting to know what is alcoholism and what is just a-hole personality. If you're like me, you love when you get to blame the disease, because you don't like to blame him and you REALLY HATE the idea that you could be blamed for any of it. One day we'll each feel so good about ourselves that we wouldn't dare think of someone else's actions as our fault, and we will fearlessly take responsibility for contributions we made to unsavory situations.
Take care of you, Carmen!
And that brings up my next question. What would be a fair consequence if YOU acted like that and just were not going to stop (cause he probably won't)? Do you think your friends and loved ones should just walk away if you act like that? Cut you off completely? Pretend it's not that bad? Argue? Tell you how bad that made them feel?
There are psychological reasons why we allow ourselves to be abused, but we have power to "rewire" our brains.
It really doesn't matter WHY he acts the way he does. The fact is that it hurts you. (I know people say that feelings aren't facts, but it's YOUR reality and YOUR reality is what matters when you are deciding how to respond to situations AND you deserve to FEEL peaceful and good about yourself).
I get you though, about wanting to know what is alcoholism and what is just a-hole personality. If you're like me, you love when you get to blame the disease, because you don't like to blame him and you REALLY HATE the idea that you could be blamed for any of it. One day we'll each feel so good about ourselves that we wouldn't dare think of someone else's actions as our fault, and we will fearlessly take responsibility for contributions we made to unsavory situations.
Take care of you, Carmen!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Thanks guys, I understand what you are saying about "maybe it's just him", etc... but I really would like to know if this is a common trait of the alcoholism. Does this sound familiar to the rest of you? thanks!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
