Divorcing my AH, are mood swings normal?
 

I haven't been here in a while, so please excuse my absence...

I am wondering if what I am feeling is normal. My ah and I have been married for just under 2 years. I had to get a restraining order in January, but it expired, ah came home for two weeks, but is gone permanently now. He has moved in with his sister and about half of his stuff is there now.

I know it's over, he's cheated, he is a raging alcoholic, he gets violent when he's drunk, he looses jobs, he's a mess. But, when he's sober and working a program, he's charming, hilarious, and so fun to be around. My emotions are everywhere - sometimes I feel total peace that he is gone and not coming back. Sometimes I keep thinking he'll walk back in the door from a meeting and be who I know he can be... I Had two terrible crying spells yesterday... But I also talked to my al-anon sponsor and a few other friends and spent more time laughing than I had in months.

Is this normal?

Hi Allthings,

I think it must be normal. I've read others feeling the same way. I know I have and I'm still with my AH.

I'm so glad you have such a good sponsor and support group to help you thru this time. Cry as much as you need and don't feel guilty about it; it's not an easy time.

****{Big hugs}}}

Allthings - mood swings are normal, healthy. Your alternative would be to stuff all these bad feelings so they come out in other ways. Ulcers, headaches, nauseau, etc.

Divorce is the death of a marriage. Grieving that loss is important, but really really hard. Just take it one moment at a time.

It's very normal. My abf dumped me a few weeks ago and I still go through the ups and downs. I mean mine wasn't actively using when he did so it hurts even more but I try to remember why we wouldn't have prob worked out especially if he relapsed again which he did millions of times through the 6 years we were dating. Be kind to yourself and just keep living one day at a time.

It's very normal,it's all part of grieving the loss of the relationship and all of your dreams you had with him.

One thing you mentioned struck me because I think we all feel the same way:

[QUOTE[Sometimes I keep thinking he'll walk back in the door from a meeting and be who I know he can be... [/QUOTE]

Often, they don't believe they can be that person or maintain being that person.

I witnessed that with my ex, slowly addiction creeped back into his life until it was all so consuming and just seemed harder and harder for him to get out of it.

Often sobriety becomes boring to them, no thrills and highs just the stark reality of having to live life on life's terms, follow rules and listen to authority- everything addiction tells them they don't have to be or do.

Glad you are in al-anon and have people to reach out to. Time does heal our wombs, we have good days and bad days and just need to be patient and loving to ourselves.

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. He called this morning to talk about finances, we are going to try to do this without an attorney. It's a nightmare, but he was sober and charming and it just made me cry all the more. He seems so nonchalant about the whole thing, he just laughed and said he's been divorced twice before, he knows he'll be ok. He wondered if I would feel better if he cried. Part of me says Hell yes, mf'er, CRY, but that's not very mature I guess.

I moved out of the shared home with my ABF a week and a half ago. At first I was so elated I couldn't get over how overwhelmingly GIDDY I felt. We had agreed that we both wanted to work on our relationship and keep it going, and that this move would be temporary so that we could both work on our issues in our own "space". I'm subleasing until June, when I could choose to renew the lease in my own name or move back in. The plan was always for me to move back in with him after the lease was up.
I've been increasingly shoved out, though. He says over and over that he wants things to work out between us, but has been drinking more and more and having the time of his life! I hear from him less and less, and I've decided that I don't even WANT to work things out with him anymore. I told him yesterday, after not hearing from him in over 30 hours that I am tired of feeling like an afterthought to him. I haven't heard from him since. Not even a reply to that.
I've been all over the board today. It was MY decision to let go....and yet I've felt happy, sad, peaceful, strong, vulnerable, weak, indignant, vindicated, joyous, depressed, lonely...all in the space of less than 12 hours. So, I went to a new church with a friend, had a different friend over for brunch and played video games, took the dog for a walk, read a bit of Al Anon literature...and decided to come here. Mood swings? You bet. Stages of grief? Absolutely. I am single now...for the first time in over 7 years. It's scary, it's liberating.
You are not alone.
The worst part is that there are only 3 Al Anon meetings in my area, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays....and today is Sunday. I'd really love to attend a meeting tonight...

You HURT...you would feel better knowing that he hurt, too. It's perfectly normal.

from what I have witnessed
divorce always brings with it some pain
MM

abusive and charming go hand in hand.

I agree with Anvilhead. Sending you hugs.

One thing...I don't know your financial situation and how entangled you are, but especially if he is charming...I'd caution you to have an attorney review the final paperwork before signing. The only person thinking of you...is you. And that's not easy during this time. It's very easy to forget to protect yourself or miss something in the midst of it all.

I agree with Praying-
Please don't do this without an attorney.

He just might charm you out of everything.....
He won't be thinking of what's good and/or fair for you, you have to watch out for yourself.

I have no wisdom to share here, but in my limited experience, a roller coaster of emotions is normal and expected. Stay the course, I hope things even out for you sooner than later.

Make sure you make a list of your non-negotiables, what you definitely want in the split. Don't let him take advantage of you. If you don't go the attorney route, what about divorce mediation?

Short answer to mood swings? Yes.

There is not a person out there who has gone through it and not suffered through this. Normal feeling. Especially when there is emotional trauma caused to one party.

Hang in there, take care of yourself. It ok to cry and be gentle and kind to YOU.

This. Before I divorced I bought into the whole 'lets keep lawyers out of this' but I was wrong. I'm not saying go in with boots on, just use a lawyer to make sure your settlement is reasonable. Women especially will concede too much for the sake of peace; I was told once that the best settlement is one where both parties are dissatisfied.

It is just like grief of a lost loved one. You have to let yourself go through the stages, let yourself ride the tide of emoations and know there is an end if you let it be. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. He is not the person you loved anymore, and that is the person you grieve for.

Tight Hugs. It's hard, but it will come in time.

Update:

The best laid plans of mice and men... Six months ago, with every intention on following through on what I posted, I posted that I was divorcing. To date, I have not yet filed. I keep dragging my feet for some reason.

The better update: Even though I have not followed through with divorce paperwork, yet... and I know it's just a matter of time... my AH has been out of the house since February. I took about half of his stuff to his sister's house one Saturday in late February and he has not lived here since.

Today, he came with a moving truck and took the rest of his things. Today it felt very final. His alcoholism is not under control in any way, we have no future.

On a much brighter note, I've decided to move 1,200 miles from where I live now next year. My family is all there and I will be able to find work quickly. I visited this summer and it was so refreshing. I need a new start.

Also, I am going to really try to be more active here. I need to keep doing what's best, even when it hurts.

This update sounds very positive overall.
Good for you.

Welcome back AllThings!

New starts are a great thing!!! Good luck to you, and Welcome Back!