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Am I the world's biggest sucker?

Old 03-08-2014, 06:49 PM
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TeM
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Angry Am I the world's biggest sucker?

Just a brief history; married 35 years, AW started drinking about 12 years ago. About three years ago, it became a serious problem, and she was drunk pretty much every night. Then, as our only daughter's wedding approached, she seemed to give it up.

She became active in a church, and even started helping with the housework again. The flurry of domestic activity slowed down after a few months, but I kind of expected that. Besides, I didn't mind, since she wasn't drunk any more. I actually began to believe that she was going to be one of those rare alcoholics who could just walk away from it.

Silly me. After almost a year and a half of apparent sobriety, she came home drunk from a movie date with a friend. The sad thing is, they went to see Son of God. Imagine that. Looking back, I think I saw signs over the past couple of months when she seemed a little tipsy, but insisted that it was because of her meds.

I suppose I've seen this day coming, but hoped that it wouldn't. I still don't know if she ever quit, or just learned how to hide it better. She never actually admitted that she was an alcoholic, just that she had "made mistakes". I feel like an utter fool for being deceived like this, but I've done foolish things before.

Right now, I'm debating whether to confront her about it tomorrow or not. Judging from past behavior, she'll just deny that she was drunk. Now that daughter has moved out, I could threaten to divorce her, but I don't know if I have the courage to take that step now. It would bankrupt us, to be sure.

Anyway, just felt like venting. My story is not nearly as tragic as some that I've read here, but it's frustrating, nonetheless.
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:12 PM
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Sorry this happened to you!

Mine also used the meds excuse. Nyquil made him slur his words.

I am sending encouragement and support!
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:18 PM
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Thank you, Pelican. I've heard the Nyquil excuse before, too. I guess some things are just universal among alcoholics.
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:25 PM
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I am so sorry. I have heard the medicine excuse also. How can they all be so much alike?! The denials are infuriating. I totally understand the feeling like a fool - it's an awful feeling, knowing you should have listened to your gut. But we are too hard on ourselves...
I will be bankrupt from my separation as well...but it's still worth it to have my sanity back. To see a glimmer of happiness and not live with such dysfunction. I'd rather be poor than miserable.
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:31 PM
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Thank you, Chelsea. When it got really bad before, I had sort of reconciled myself to the fact that I'd probably end up in a cheap apartment, and lose pretty much everything except whatever clothes and books I could carry out of the house. I've let my guard down over the past year and begun to relax a little. Now I've got to yank myself back up by the scruff of the neck and face reality again.

I'm grateful for the support in this forum. The people here are great.
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Old 03-08-2014, 08:09 PM
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I agree it's been a lifesaver for me here. It keeps me strong and helps me realize I'm not the crazy one I've learned a lot about alcoholism. Take care of yourself.
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Old 03-08-2014, 08:20 PM
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TeM - I have been on that rollercoaster of hope and despair as well. It's so hard when you feel safe and then you don't any more. I finally had to give up for my own sanity. I'm in the process of filing for bankruptcy, and I've moved into a small little apartment MUCH smaller and "shabbier" than what I was accustomed to. My little apartment was scrubbed every inch by me, and has been turned into such a place of security and peace for me. I'm still getting used to how well I sleep now, and how I can just do whatever I please. I come and go whenever I like, and I no longer have the stress and anxiety that I had when I was living with my ABF.
I wish you all the best...
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Old 03-09-2014, 12:39 AM
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I think it's good in this situation for you to establish your goal. The best goal in this situation is that your wife stop drinking and become completely sober.
I mention this because it is easy to get derailed establishing moderation as a goal. That rarely works and you could both waste a lot of time with that.

I would avoid a negative confrontation loaded with guilt. That would just put her on the defensive.
You could open up the discussion with the simple comment that you are worried about her drinking.
Leaving it open ended like that with no specific incident will make it hard for her to argue with it.
You don't really have to make any demands or ultimatums about her behavior, changing her behavior is her job and ultimately her responsibility.
But you can establish the boundary that you don't want to share her company when she is drinking, see her drive, (you can report it), socialize with friends or family, (you don't want the embarrassment), or do anything that requires an alert, responsible adult's participation.
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