carmen220

When someone has been using alcohol long term, does it sometimes show in the eyes? I worry about the mental effects. I've noticed that not only does my ABF get easily upset (about things that would not bother most people), but you can see it in his eyes; something off; almost mentally off (only at times, especially if something upsets him) I don't know what to make of that. Is that common to see in a person who has abused alcohol over many years? At times, I've seen him almost disassociate or "check out"; also worries me.

I know that alcohol causes brain damage and loss of brain cells, so I wonder if that is what is happening AND wonder if this damage can be reversed when/or if he decides to get treatment.

I tend to forget/overlook/look past these things that I have noticed, when he's being "normal" and wonderful again. I still haven't made a full commitment as to my role moving forward. I'm sort of avoiding and putting off. I still, however, try to be educated and informed on all of this. thanks.

Ofelie

I wondered this too. I still wonder. Some of our friends and family mentioned it to me, that they, too, saw something "click" in him and then his eyes would be empty and watch out. I still cannot figure out if its mental illness or just the alcohol or both, or what. Its like you can see the madness in their eyes, and its very frightening. Then I start to wonder how many other people saw him behave like that before we were together. Which goes along with his saying to me that he acts that way because its ME, because he cared so much about me. I wonder it all the time, so if someone has the answer to this I am dying to know. I do know its progressive, and selfishly that makes me feel better in a way, because I know, I KNOW without a doubt, he cannot possibly go about his new life without me, and not have one of his violent fits of rage at some point. And then...since I am not in his life at all...who is he going to blame then? My ex certainly isn't going to get better, and stop being that way, drinking or no. He is too far gone.
I dunno about your situation or why you are on the fence still, but honey, its not gonna get better, it will only get worse. If he is "flipping" as we called it in our house, checking out, things are already pretty bad and you need to take steps to get yourself safe. I would also suggest starting a journal. I cannot count how many moments and episodes I "forgot" (or blocked out) that my kids have reminded me about. Keep a daily journal. We had a talk the other night about our five worst moments with him...and surprisingly they were all versions of the same episodes. Strange to hear different viewpoints of the same moments, and how we all were scarred by them. Read as much as you can on here, it is SO much help.

NotTheMama

I can only speak for my situation. My AH is a late/end stage alcoholic. He isn't mean or violent; never has been. Rather, he's more like someone who has mild to moderate cerebral palsy. But, I do see the vacant eyes in him, too. After his morning "toddy", the expression in his eyes dims, and only get more empty as the day goes by.
Take note of the "tells" you see in your A, and if they do in fact precede anger or violence, take steps to protect yourself!
Read the stickies at the top of the forum, if you haven't already! There is a wealth of information in there!

LadyinBC

My daughter told me that my eyes looked "dead" while I was drinking. No life in them. After a few months of not drinking and going to counselling she said one of the first things she noticed was how much my eyes sparkled.

A person's eyes says a lot.

carmen220

LadyinBC, That's good to hear and gives me some positive hope. However, I wouldn't describe it as a "dead" look. It's more an "off" look...hard to describe; mostly in association with anger or disassociation.

LadyinBC

Yes it is probably the loopy look I had in my eyes while drunk! I don't know how else to explain it but the eyes always look off.

chrissy81

Yes, chronic alcoholism over long periods of time absolutely damages the brain - permanently and irreversibly. The neurons in your brain, once they are dead, do not regenerate, unlike what is possible in the peripheral nervous system (the areas of your body outside the brain/spinal cord). Abused long enough and hard enough, alcohol will literally shrink the size of your brain. It will impair your judgement/executive functions, your personality, your ability to process, store and retrieve memory (short term, esp), causes mood swings, aggressive behaviors, damage to the areas of your brain that manage speech, coordination/balance and gait, and puts you at risk for stroke and dementia (while there is no one cause for some of the many forms of dementia, alcoholism is implicated as a risk factor for several).

I am getting a Masters degree in Occupational Therapy, which is how I know this, and I wish I didn't, because it would make me blissfully ignorant as to all of the things my mother is doing to kill herself from a going-on-ten-year drinking problem. It's the same with her - she is simply NOT the same person any more. I can see obvious changes in her cognition.

SeriousKarma

Wow. This is definitely one of the more depressing topics, isn't it?

Yeah. I remember the eyes. I'm having a bit of a PTSD flashback just thinking about them. I always equated it to something from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. He's there, but not there. With something nefarious lurking just under the surface. Kind of creepy.

My qualifier can go for weeks without drinking, and longer periods of sobriety do bring a bit of the "sparkle" back, but since those periods never last long enough the "sparkle" eventually dies out. Oh, and he's definitely not as smart as he used to be. I think that might be gone forever. (God, I hate saying that!) That's the saddest thing of all.

Katchie

I always heard the eyes are the windows to the soul. I've also heard that they don't call it a bottle of spirits for nothing.

FeelingGreat

I never made that connection before! Speaking as an alcoholic myself, one of the reasons I quite was I was afraid of long term brain damage. Often it doesn't show until you get into late middle age.

Stung

There were always two things that put me on high alert when my husband started to spiral and was frequently getting really drunk: his smell and his eyes. His eyes didn't look dead, they looked crazy. Like the way Jack Nicholson looks in the movie The Shining. At first he was like that only when he would get agitated...towards the end he was looking for fights and had crazy eyes more often than not. Searching for reasons to be angry until he didn't need a reason anymore.

His eyes are normal now that he's in recovery and has been for a couple of months, but that doesn't reverse the damage that he's done to his body or brain. And I might as well have a warning label engraved in my wedding band that says he can relapse at ANY time.

chrissy81

Yeah, sorry to be a downer. But I feel it's important to know. And the list I gave is just most, not all, of what it does to your brain, never mind the rest of you (I know all the horrible details about that as well, thanks to school).

I think that's what makes me the saddest - my mother was not a stupid person. But something is gone; people who don't know her wouldn't know there's a difference, but I do. And I know that change is permanent.

suncatcher

I notice that in xabf's eyes. Like he's somewhere else far away. A lonely look. One that always made me feel lonely too. Because I couldn't seem to bring him back from where he went when his eyes were dead. Very sad. Good post though and very thought provoking.

FeelingGreat

My mother is 86 and she has marked memory loss. It's probably not Alzheimers; the memory clinic thinks it might be frontal lobe damage from drinking. She didn't drink a high volume, but her weight is around 40kg, so it didn't take much for high alcohol blood levels.

prayer

I can tell when my AH has had just 1 drink from the look of his eyes. It starts out like a wild look. Then a couple days later it turns to suspicion and aggression. Then, by about day 5 or 6 it becomes vacant and sort of lost look. That's usually when there's no turning back without some kind of intervention.

9111111

I'm wondering if the same is true for people living with alcoholics - I read in other posts how people lost the special "spark" in their eyes...

9111111

Quick add: Years ago in school I learnt that humans develop their identity through seeing themselves through the eyes of others.
To this day, even with many many months of nc between us, I remember these crazy, cold uncaring eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul, but looking into these eyes almost took a piece my soul.

Trailsky

My first husband wasn't an alcoholic but abusive. When I look at pictures of me when I was with him, my eyes were dead. I looked like there was nobody home

lillamy

I use this picture a lot. It's like someone has pulled the plug on large parts of the alcoholic brain. There's nobody home anymore.

suncatcher

Kind of eerie how that picture resembles a distorted sad face