For those of you in abusive relationships with alcoholics...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7
For those of you in abusive relationships with alcoholics...
First of all, thank you so much to all of the kind words in my previous thread regarding the end of my 2 year relationship with my alcoholic ex boyfriend. The one thing I read on this site that really has stuck with me and that I found to be very uplifting is "the relationship may have only just ended, but the truth is you lost him a long time ago." This really hit the nail on the head. My boyfriend had been emotionally detached for quite some time. So, in reality, I sort of knew it was coming to an end.
For all of you out there who are struggling to get out of a relationship with an alcoholic I have something for you. Granted, I only have 2 years worth of experience with dating an alcoholic and I'm only 23 years old, but I hope you'll hear me out and find some comfort in this:
We shouldn't beat ourselves up for staying with our A significant others. Obviously they weren't always horrible, or we would have never fallen in love in the first place. Once we realize the relationship is going downhill, we throw everything we have into it, trying to save it. Often times, we are the only ones trying to save it. We do all of the work. When we break up, we're not just mourning the loss of a relationship. We're mourning the loss of an investment that we shouldn't have made. We spent SO much time, energy, emotion, heartache, money, and brain power on trying to figure out ways to ensure our relationship came out on top. And when this didn't come to fruition, we beat ourselves up about it.
I know this is much easier said than done, but it can be very empowering to recognize your situation for what it is - a lost cause. What is the point in falling farther down this emotional black hole when there are millions of other people in the world who are healthy and whole and who do not suffer from addiction? One day, someone will love you the way you want to be loved. They will speak the same love language as you. The relationship will be one between two equal partners. You will not be doing all of the work. You will not be picking up all of the slack. You will not have to formulate creative lies and excuses at the drop of a hat to cover for your significant other. You wont be gaslighted. You won't be made to cry time and time again and then be called "crazy" or "weak" because you're getting emotional. There will be someone out there will actually feel disappointment at the thought of making you cry. When we engage in these abusive relationships with alcoholics, we tend to become the alcoholic's rock, their sole support system. We absorb every emotion that they don't feel like dealing with. But who is our rock? Who is there to offer us support in our time of need? Certainly not the alcoholic. They are literally incapable of offering the kind of healthy and whole love we need because they themselves are not healthy or whole.
We have tried and tried and tried. If something were going to change, don't you think it would have by now? The alcoholic will not wake up one day and magically realize all of the hurt and hell and suffering we have endured for them. Travel the world. Go back to school. Apply for that job you've always wanted. Make a list of books you want to read or movies you want to see. Get to know yourself. Go on a day trip. Break out of your normal routine and focus on bettering yourself and enhancing your own quality of life.
I hope this helps some of you out there suffering through abusive relationships at the hands of an alcoholic.
For all of you out there who are struggling to get out of a relationship with an alcoholic I have something for you. Granted, I only have 2 years worth of experience with dating an alcoholic and I'm only 23 years old, but I hope you'll hear me out and find some comfort in this:
We shouldn't beat ourselves up for staying with our A significant others. Obviously they weren't always horrible, or we would have never fallen in love in the first place. Once we realize the relationship is going downhill, we throw everything we have into it, trying to save it. Often times, we are the only ones trying to save it. We do all of the work. When we break up, we're not just mourning the loss of a relationship. We're mourning the loss of an investment that we shouldn't have made. We spent SO much time, energy, emotion, heartache, money, and brain power on trying to figure out ways to ensure our relationship came out on top. And when this didn't come to fruition, we beat ourselves up about it.
I know this is much easier said than done, but it can be very empowering to recognize your situation for what it is - a lost cause. What is the point in falling farther down this emotional black hole when there are millions of other people in the world who are healthy and whole and who do not suffer from addiction? One day, someone will love you the way you want to be loved. They will speak the same love language as you. The relationship will be one between two equal partners. You will not be doing all of the work. You will not be picking up all of the slack. You will not have to formulate creative lies and excuses at the drop of a hat to cover for your significant other. You wont be gaslighted. You won't be made to cry time and time again and then be called "crazy" or "weak" because you're getting emotional. There will be someone out there will actually feel disappointment at the thought of making you cry. When we engage in these abusive relationships with alcoholics, we tend to become the alcoholic's rock, their sole support system. We absorb every emotion that they don't feel like dealing with. But who is our rock? Who is there to offer us support in our time of need? Certainly not the alcoholic. They are literally incapable of offering the kind of healthy and whole love we need because they themselves are not healthy or whole.
We have tried and tried and tried. If something were going to change, don't you think it would have by now? The alcoholic will not wake up one day and magically realize all of the hurt and hell and suffering we have endured for them. Travel the world. Go back to school. Apply for that job you've always wanted. Make a list of books you want to read or movies you want to see. Get to know yourself. Go on a day trip. Break out of your normal routine and focus on bettering yourself and enhancing your own quality of life.
I hope this helps some of you out there suffering through abusive relationships at the hands of an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Thank you very much for this post. I'm currently feeling a bit "down" because, even though I left my ABF and moved out, we had decided to try to maintain the relationship and use the time to work on ourselves independently. I barely hear from him, and I realize that he is just "finally free" to drink as much as he likes. He isn't working on anything except for more health issues, financial issues, and another downward spiral that I refuse to be a part of.
needed to read that tonight
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
What an uplifting post! Cakepop, you are very mature for 23 years old. What you have been through will help you as you travel through your life. I am so proud of you! ((((HUGS))))
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