FlippedRHalo

I woke this morning feeling calmer than I have in months. I'm not sure if this post will make much sense, as it's mainly me just throwing some thoughts out and thinking out loud. It just helps to write it down and read it - I think I may need to start a journal soon.

I couldn't, for the longest time, understand why I missed him so much after the pain he put me through. Why I still had this death grip on hope. Hoping beyond hope that he'd see what he was doing and change it before it was too late. Hoping that he'd tell me that he knew he was destroying us and that he'd do all he could to fix it. He actually did say those things on occasion, but they were just words - he never did a thing to try to fix it. I think what I missed, sadly enough, was the chaos and the constant confusion that made it impossible to look at myself and where my issues are. The chaos and confusion became almost a high, an addiction, an obsession. It was such a convenient, although extremely painful, distraction. You almost get so accustomed to the constant confusion and ups and downs that it's a shock to your very system when it's gone. I honestly didn't know how to handle the aftermath, it felt so uncomfortable. The chaos and confusion was comforting in a sick way. I had something to keep my mind continuously occupied and I didn't have the energy to look at myself and the gigantic issues that I carry from my childhood.

He would always change things. I never knew what to think or how to process any of the things he'd say or do.

After one 2 week break-up, he told me that he didn't really miss me because he was happy that I was no longer fighting with him. Then, a few months later, talking about the same break-up, he cried that during that time, he couldn't stop thinking about me. He thought about me every single day and the break-up was killing him.

He'd tell me that he loved me and wanted to be the best person he could be because I deserved that. As he'd say that, he'd avoid me like the plague. He'd tell me how he couldn't wait to get home from work to see me, and instead go home and drink himself into a stupor. He'd beg me to go to dinner with him and when it came time to go, he'd act like he was doing me a favor. I felt in the way, like I was a project that he had to put time into, but didn't want to. One day I'd feel like we had it all together and it was going to be so great, and the next, I felt like I meant absolutely nothing to him - at all.

He'd question and accuse me when I'd try to do things without him since he rarely ever wanted to do anything with me. I wasn't invited to go with him since it always included drinking and I'd ruin his good time, I guess. Or, he just didn't want to be bothered, not sure which. Maybe both.

He'd call and text me, accusing me of cheating or wanting to cheat. Meanwhile, he'd lock his phone down and turn the ringer off while getting texts all night long into the wee hours while we were sleeping. He'd sneak into my phone and erase text messages from friends and not tell me. I only found out when he brought up the name of a good friend and accused me of cheating. He didn't know this friend (although he'd been invited out with us numerous times and refused), so I was confused when he told me to "go screw Drew". He said he 'intercepted' his texts. I couldn't believe he'd do that. I had that name thrown in my face during every fight since. Every time I'd do something outside of sitting home waiting on him, I'd be accused. We'd fight. I'd end up in tears and not enjoying myself or not going at all. He knew I was 100% faithful to him, yet he'd tear me apart. After the fights, he'd apologize and tell me he knew I'd never do that to him.

He'd break up with me and play horrible mind games. He could have done something completely wrong and awful, yet in the end, I'd be apologizing to him and trying to make things up for the fight. This was constant until the end, when I think he knew I was getting ready to walk. He cried, pleaded and said everything I wanted to hear. Let's get married, I love you, please don't ever leave me, blah, blah, blah. We talked about him moving in and he said "I can't really help financially, I'll help with some bills and stuff, but I'm paying off my credit cards." Wow. Basically, he wanted to move in, but not contribute financially. Being a single mom with a 4 year old and two in college, why not take on another child financially? Jeez, where was my head?

Our relationship was nothing but all of that confusion. There were periods that he really seemed to try, but he just couldn't keep it going for long. He had to drink. He'd leave me constantly to go home and drink alone in his room. I could set my watch to the time his drunken texts would start coming through. And I couldn't wait for that time. He was nice when he drank, usually. Sometimes he was awful, but the worst was when he was sober. He was so moody when he was sober. And cruel. His 2 1/2 week sober period was great, but his morning sober after drinking, ugh, awful.

I looked around my living room last night and just sobbed. It hit me that he'd never stand in my living room again. We'd never sit at the table in the kitchen and talk ever again. He emotionally destroyed me and I know that I can never have any contact with him again if I want to move forward. I think I finally accepted it last night. He's gone. Our relationship is over. I'm not sure you can really even call what we had a 'relationship', but it's over. Forever. It hurt so badly last night. It was such a heavy sadness. But today, I woke up feeling ok. I'm getting used to the peace and calmness. I think it's almost a feeling that I might like. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in days - that's a record in this relationship. I was having multiple ones daily. When he was being really horrible, I'd try to go to sleep next to him full of anxiety and wake up with a panic attack. Like Blake once said, I'd wake up after spending the night with him feeling like I was hung over. It was like he drained my emotional & physical energy from me while sleeping.

It's over. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to be better than ok. It still hurts, but the hurt comes in waves and if I ride the waves out, I'm ok again. I'll never, ever allow anyone to do this to me ever again and I know that also means I have a lot of work to do on myself. But I will.
I'm not sure I'll ever get over the emotional hell that I went through, but with time I might, right? I'm still confused, it's still hard to know that this really has to be done for my own sake (and hopefully his), but I'm accepting that it has to be. I accept the fact that this was a very damaging relationship. I also accept the fact that it was a hard lesson and showed me things I needed to see - I didn't want to see them, but I needed to.

And now I need to do something about them.

Relationships with alcoholics are impossible. I don't think I've ever tried so hard in my life and the end result was just a waste of a whole lot of energy & a whole lot of tears.

blake1989

Look at you, Halo. Just look at where you are right now. I know it hurts insanely, but now you're writing posts that could be stickies lol.

I've always kept a journal. Any guess as to when I stopped keeping it? Yeah, this relationship was my journal. Just a lot of chaos, confusion, and pain being written and emoted out into the world's ether instead of onto a page.

The crux of your post is why in my own scenario I'm so mad at her for showing back up. Yes, it was like a surprise bombing. This whole thing was an emotional 911. But she interfered with my progress. See, we want to figure these things out and not make the same choices again. Good lord, I was more committed to her recovery than she is/was. I went to Al Anon and a therapist for HER initially! i won't kick myself for that. focus has been....re-focused...

I too was accustomed to the chaos and confusion. Initially, I remember thinking, "I guess this is how some relationships are, and we'll get through it together." Relationships are hard, but should not deplete every resource you have. And then I moved on to some kind of false peace knowing to 'expect the unexpected'. I held on for dear life to all the loving words.

Now, I expect the unexpected from her, in the distance. And you know what - it feels cruel. It feels so cruel. This was not right, as you have said to me.

All I can say is you are doing great. Really great, my friend. I'm sure this post will resonate with many.

Maybe the past pain will never fully leave us, but we will find some peace and move on, I know it.

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

fluffyflea

Wow, so glad for you that you are out of it.

One day at a time. And when you miss him re-read this post.

readerbaby71

You're doing great! We have to experience and sit with the pain to let it go. It won't last forever. Hang in there.

Ofelie

I could have written your post pretty much word for word, as it seems it usually is with most of your posts. Except while yes, I am accepting it, I am actually becoming pretty pissed off about the whole mess of it. I stood in my bedroom Friday morning, in tears because I had opened a drawer in the dresser we had bought together. Correction, I had bought it, for us, because he never contributed a damn thing other than buying groceries every once in a while. I stood there, heartsick, in tears, remembering putting away his laundry, remembering him getting dressed in the morning, watching him open the drawer, etc, and it hit me. Its all so USELESS, so pointless, the pain and emotional damage that I have gone through, that he has PUT me through, as if I was just a mouse and he was a big fat cat batting me around back and forth. How many times did he promise me that things would be BETTER THAN BEFORE, and then they ended up worse than before?? He would hate me, love me, hate me, and I would start to detach, then suddenly he would be saying so many things about how it would be better, he would be better, he would do better....but never ever did. It was always worse than before. I got sucked into it, we all seem to get sucked into it! I hate IT! And then, something changed in me, I could feel it right then. I got ANGRY. I questioned why this man would be like this, why would I tolerate it, why would I even accept it in my life to begin with. How could he go through life and get away with being like this without someone calling him out on it, calling him an a-hole and beating the bejeezus out of him, because I know he did it to his first wife and his family didn't believe her, til I told them he did it to me...and then, like someone else said in the post about the child service worker lady, DFS, his family, they actually told me I should have given him money, I should have not pissed him off, because then he would not have gotten angry and hurt me, as if he was excused because I had provoked him into throwing chairs at me and choking me!! WTF is wrong with people, seriously?? I saw that it was a pattern, a scheme of his, to lure in women, and then destroy them and leave them an empty shell, broken. I got so angry, seriously, I got furious. I got furious for me, for the kids, for his ex wives, for his future women, for everyone out there that has been through this, like we all have here. How DARE they do that to us?? How DARE they treat us like that, thinking we are simply their punching bags, their scapegoats because they hate themselves so much they have to destroy someone else to make themselves feel better while they drink themselves to death. It disgusts me that there are people out there that go through life putting all of us through such things and it disgusts me more that we are so messed up that we let them! I HATE IT. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!! And then I decided to do something about it, about the memory triggers that send me spiraling down into sadness and gloom of him after I have worked so hard to bring myself back up into the light that I used to be. I hauled all of the bedroom furniture outside to the burn pile where we burn our trash. $4000 worth of furniture that I could have sold or given away, but I tell you, I NEEDED to destroy it somehow, needed to remove it from my bedroom, where my most vulnerable moments in life happen.
Then the kids and I went shopping, covered in the dust from moving heavy furniture. They trailed along behind me, giving each other slightly confused, concerned glances they thought I didn't notice, probably thinking mom had finally lost it. I bought a brand new bedroom set, one that I chose, the style I liked, that I thought was beautiful, well made, whatever, didn't have to ask approval from anyone. Didn't have to get permission, or discuss it or even explain what I liked about it. Dammit, I went to the store and said I want THAT one and paid for it. Bought all new bedding, everything, that has no memories of anyone but ME. Then we went home and I set the other one on FIRE. I burned the bed we spent so much time in, the mattress, the blankets, the whole thing. I burned the whole damn thing! Dressers, frame, headboard, etc. I must have looked insane to the neighbors, at least no one called the fire dept, but I don't even care. And it felt so good. It was cathartic. I stood on the deck, coffee cup in hand, where we had spent all those hours sitting by the firepit while he drank himself into a stupor and I watched the flames roar towards the sky, watched as it turned black and disappear and you know what?? It felt awesome. It was just like our whole relationship, one big inferno of chaos and now its just ashes blowing away and disappearing in the wind. The new set has arrived and the kids and I spent the day yesterday setting it all up, arranging it in a new, different way in my bedroom. I slept in my new bed last night for the first time, and I actually slept. I haven't slept well in months, nightmares, or I keep waking up realizing he isn't there and then can't go back to sleep and I would lay there looking at the wall, the time on my phone, my arm, the dog, the empty pillow next to me. But this morning I woke up and found I had slept through the entire night, dead to the world. I am sure the pain and confusion will come back to me again, but right now, I am accepting it, like you are. I am a big step closer to realizing I can get through life just fine without him. I WILL get through life without suffering through the cat and mouse game of pain and confusion that he put me through.
I will never ever EVER be the same, after the damage he did to me. He emotionally destroyed me, but I am finding it was more like my entire life was put on hold for the years that I was with him. Its like I was in stasis, and now I am coming out of my cocoon like a butterfly. Sort of like I just emerged from those flames, wings not quite dry and unfolded yet, so I can't fly, but I am getting there. Slowly but surely, I will get there. I know I am stronger for having gone through this, even though I feel all wrung out like a limp dishrag, my wings are still wet and would not hold me up if I tried to fly, but my LEGS work just fine. And I am walking away from his destruction right into a new future that will be better than ever.