I'm in recovery she's in denial.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by milky 
Yeah I'm struggling with the decision. I mean my wife is what people would call a functioning alcoholic. On the surface we look like we're doing good but really she's miserable. I was hoping that she would notice how good/happy I am not drinking and maybe follow suit but it appears to be having the exact opposite effect. She has tried to get me to drink on several occasions. She's not straight asking me to drink but she is putting me in tough situations because that's where she wants to be. She isn't exactly happy with my physical transformation either. I told her I would workout for her if I could but I can't. It's sad because she is stronger than she thinks. She can be the person she wants to be.
I told her yesterday that I wanted to join a running club so that I could socialize with healthy happy people more. She didn't like that but I can't keep waiting for her to fix herself. I'm still going to do it. Maybe she'll decide to start coming with me........
I told her yesterday that I wanted to join a running club so that I could socialize with healthy happy people more. She didn't like that but I can't keep waiting for her to fix herself. I'm still going to do it. Maybe she'll decide to start coming with me........
Have you been to any AA meetings? Being in recovery and living with someone who keeps trying to get you to drink puts your sobriety at stake.
I used to think coming up with new activities would help my A in that they would be a distraction from drinking. I was wrong. The A will just show up to the activity drunk. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. Just some food for thought.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Curious have you talked to your wife about your marriage? Really talked? Discussed the drinking? Resolved the issues with the affair?
Might be reading this wrong but it sounds like there is a huge disconnect between you two, almost like roommates.
Has she admitted at any time that she has a problem?
Might be reading this wrong but it sounds like there is a huge disconnect between you two, almost like roommates.
Has she admitted at any time that she has a problem?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I did however tell her about six months ago that if she didn't chill out a little i didn't think we were going to make. I said it very nicely and I meant it. At the time she was starting to get abusive verbally and I was thinking "wait a second. ...I'm stepping up here.....I'm trying to spend time with you and our son......I'm not running away anymore. ....and this is what you want me to sit here and take?"
Another time I looked at her a named off like 4 or 5 things that I have done to help better myself and our relationship. I then looked at her and very softly asked "what have you changed to help better yourself and our marriage?"
Another time I looked at her a named off like 4 or 5 things that I have done to help better myself and our relationship. I then looked at her and very softly asked "what have you changed to help better yourself and our marriage?"
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Location: Memphis, TN
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Originally Posted by milky
No she doesn't think she has a problem. Yes we have had a serious sit down talk several times. She has told me if it's the alcohol or me she will choose the alcohol.
Your friend,
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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As my therapist said, in a true alcoholic, that becomes their spouse, their best friend, their child....their life. She has made her decision very clear.
I can only tell you what my attorney told me. Document, document, document, including times, places, copies of texts, photos of booze and even video of them in a drunken state. Note any third parties there in case they would need to testify later. Separate your accounts, clean out your half or whatever belongs to you and have it in a separate fund she cannot access. Get all documents and your children's documents and anything out of the house that you cannot live without (photos, keepsakes, etc). Do all of this BEFORE you file for divorce if that is the route you choose.
I can only tell you what my attorney told me. Document, document, document, including times, places, copies of texts, photos of booze and even video of them in a drunken state. Note any third parties there in case they would need to testify later. Separate your accounts, clean out your half or whatever belongs to you and have it in a separate fund she cannot access. Get all documents and your children's documents and anything out of the house that you cannot live without (photos, keepsakes, etc). Do all of this BEFORE you file for divorce if that is the route you choose.
Originally Posted by milky
No she doesn't think she has a problem. Yes we have had a serious sit down talk several times. She has told me if it's the alcohol or me she will choose the alcohol.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by milky
I'm def an alcoholic.
Heard it my first Alanon Meeting after Mrs. Hammer relapsed. Suppose if I learned faster, it would have not had "been along the way." The Grand Dame Alananny of that meeting told me this in my first meeting . . . .
[Hammer,] your problem is not [Mrs. Hammer]
Might be the same for you.
Not that I still do not want her to be my problem, as many of my posts on here will evidence.
Here is where I see you (and I) stuck . . .
We are sort of baffled in our situation. Is that not true enough? Both of us -- wife is f.u.ed. Main worry in that is the kid(s). Stay, Go, Dunno. wtf. Baffled.
Being baffled is NOT part of the program. So something is NOT right. While we want the problem to be the wife . . . it might be us. After all, we are the ones baffled -- not them.
Same thing a really good T told me when I was shopping for Couples Therapy after Mrs. Hammer came back all screwed up from Rehab ---- I cannot help you [me, Hammer] in couples therapy . . . Her stuff is working for her. But YOU -- maybe I can help. Help you figure out why you have put up with this foolishness for these years . . . .
See our stuff is NOT matching the promises. Why is that? I can only see it as not yet fully working the program thing . . . .
========
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by milky
No she doesn't think she has a problem. Yes we have had a serious sit down talk several times. She has told me if it's the alcohol or me she will choose the alcohol.
It is up to you to make the choices that are best for yourself and your child knowing this.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
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Hi Milky,
First congratulations on your sobriety. It sounds like you are like me and others on the F&F board: a double winner (or half and half as Hammer would say
)
I would really encourage you to check out Al Anon and not feel weird going there even though you are an alcoholic and a man.
My personal history as a drinker is really boring but when it comes to my adventures as a codependent: it's crazy central.
My point is that though you managed to quit drinking successfully on your own and seem to have been a boring high bottom alcoholic like me, your partner's alcoholism is eating you alive and you could probably use some help and support when it comes to that side of your recovery.
Just know that you are not alone. Here is a link to a thread I started a while back http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
First congratulations on your sobriety. It sounds like you are like me and others on the F&F board: a double winner (or half and half as Hammer would say
)I would really encourage you to check out Al Anon and not feel weird going there even though you are an alcoholic and a man.
My personal history as a drinker is really boring but when it comes to my adventures as a codependent: it's crazy central.
My point is that though you managed to quit drinking successfully on your own and seem to have been a boring high bottom alcoholic like me, your partner's alcoholism is eating you alive and you could probably use some help and support when it comes to that side of your recovery.
Just know that you are not alone. Here is a link to a thread I started a while back http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by Hammer
Well then . . . have to tell you something I have learned along the way . . .
Heard it my first Alanon Meeting after Mrs. Hammer relapsed. Suppose if I learned faster, it would have not had "been along the way." The Grand Dame Alananny of that meeting told me this in my first meeting . . . .
[Hammer,] your problem is not [Mrs. Hammer]
Might be the same for you.
Not that I still do not want her to be my problem, as many of my posts on here will evidence.
Here is where I see you (and I) stuck . . .
We are sort of baffled in our situation. Is that not true enough? Both of us -- wife is f.u.ed. Main worry in that is the kid(s). Stay, Go, Dunno. wtf. Baffled.
Being baffled is NOT part of the program. So something is NOT right. While we want the problem to be the wife . . . it might be us. After all, we are the ones baffled -- not them.
Same thing a really good T told me when I was shopping for Couples Therapy after Mrs. Hammer came back all screwed up from Rehab ---- I cannot help you [me, Hammer] in couples therapy . . . Her stuff is working for her. But YOU -- maybe I can help. Help you figure out why you have put up with this foolishness for these years . . . .
See our stuff is NOT matching the promises. Why is that? I can only see it as not yet fully working the program thing . . . .
========
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Heard it my first Alanon Meeting after Mrs. Hammer relapsed. Suppose if I learned faster, it would have not had "been along the way." The Grand Dame Alananny of that meeting told me this in my first meeting . . . .
[Hammer,] your problem is not [Mrs. Hammer]
Might be the same for you.
Not that I still do not want her to be my problem, as many of my posts on here will evidence.
Here is where I see you (and I) stuck . . .
We are sort of baffled in our situation. Is that not true enough? Both of us -- wife is f.u.ed. Main worry in that is the kid(s). Stay, Go, Dunno. wtf. Baffled.
Being baffled is NOT part of the program. So something is NOT right. While we want the problem to be the wife . . . it might be us. After all, we are the ones baffled -- not them.
Same thing a really good T told me when I was shopping for Couples Therapy after Mrs. Hammer came back all screwed up from Rehab ---- I cannot help you [me, Hammer] in couples therapy . . . Her stuff is working for her. But YOU -- maybe I can help. Help you figure out why you have put up with this foolishness for these years . . . .
See our stuff is NOT matching the promises. Why is that? I can only see it as not yet fully working the program thing . . . .
========
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by milky
Interesting. I had a friend ask me the other day. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? I have been thinking about that question a lot the last couple days......
Variation of my first sponsor gave me was: Do you want to be married, or do you want to be right?
That pleased Mrs. Hammer for sometime after I told her.
Huge problem between us since she came back Rehab is that I got deep into Alanon, and they told me the part about "We Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs."
One of the first Principles was Honesty. So I went into total Honesty . . . the same time she was going into a Lying Addiction. [btw, Lying Addictions are not uncommon for the first year after Rehab]. First big lie I caught her in (she was hiding money to evade going to Therapy), and I was all over it. She blew up that I had caught her lying.
She even brought up that quote -- still have that text -- "Did I want to be right, or married? I might have to decide."
But after a year of Lies, I cannot live with that, either.
At any rate -- Yeah, for you . . . you follow I am saying FOR. YOU? Go do Alanon. You missed some really good learning by not needing AA to quit drinking.
Alanon teaches you all AA stuff + a whole lot more. Even Good Daddy Stuff. I tell the kids Alanon is the Good Daddy Club.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Yeah guys I'm going to Alanon starting next week. Thank you all for the suggestion. I don't know where it's going to take me but I know I'm not scared. I have to be the leader in this family. At least for now. For my son and my wife. I have to be strong.
I am strong. I can lead. I can do it. I will do it.
I am strong. I can lead. I can do it. I will do it.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You will do fine.
Maybe for some both sides reading . . . You ever read the AA Big Book?
Might be some interesting perspective for both your own experience and understanding your wife.
Free On Line . . .
Big Book On Line - Table of Contents
Maybe for some both sides reading . . . You ever read the AA Big Book?
Might be some interesting perspective for both your own experience and understanding your wife.
Free On Line . . .
Big Book On Line - Table of Contents
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I'm in the middle of working 80+ hours this week. This isn't normal but i have to do it from time to time. I texted my wife at 10:30 pm last night and said "love you". Lol she texts back "love you too" at 9am the next morning. She said she didn't get the text because i sent it at 1:30 am. Something seems fishy. My phone says I sent it at 10:37pm..........
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Originally Posted by milky
I'm in the middle of working 80+ hours this week. This isn't normal but i have to do it from time to time. I texted my wife at 10:30 pm last night and said "love you". Lol she texts back "love you too" at 9am the next morning. She said she didn't get the text because i sent it at 1:30 am. Something seems fishy. My phone says I sent it at 10:37pm..........
We alcoholics will lie about everything. We can say it is raining out when it is a sunny day and believe it. Milky, I have just read your story and congratulations on quitting by yourself without a support program. Not many do that. ...but you are missing a "community" by not going to AA. Not pressuring you to do this, but I love the "program".
I have been on both sides of the fence (I am an alcoholic, but husband 2 was also, and I went to Al-Anon to learn how to deal with him, as years of AA had not changed him.
For me, AA is essential because it reminds me constantly of who I am, instead of dwelling on who my boyfriend (not an A) isn't. And I come to the "Friends and Family" forum because it reminds me of what he has suffered because of me.
You set up a drinking dynamic when you met your wife and then left that world; it is going to be hard for her to deal with herself and not dwell on what "used to be". My relapse came with this boyfriend (we are 68 and 74) because when I fell in "love" after years of sobriety, I WANTED to share those bottles of wine and scotches with him and threw out 13+ years of sobriety for that wine and those scotches, and for the "romance". It all worked for several months and then I did the unthinkable and got drunk in front of him.
Long story short here, I STILL romanticize those few months, and now 11 years later I find that we both fell in love with someone other than who we really are. With your wife, I would be very surprised if some of this is not part of her ongoing drinking: she fell in love with a drinker and now you are sober? WTF!!
The good news is I have seen many marriages survive after the first sober partner goes to Al-anon, and not just one meeting, actually gets involved. It will help YOU first of all, and in time, may get your wife to try to really get sober too.
Just my take. I celebrated 5 months sober again, and I am trying very hard to embrace all the good in this man I am with. How I wish he went to Al-Anon; it is a foundation for rebuilding a life, in which we can both participate. He won't, so be it. We will never have the relationship of my dreams, but then, maybe it is the dreams I have to get rid of.
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I found two empty shooters in the car today and I lost it. I was going to the gym and I found them in the car. I turned around and went back home. I didn't yell I just handed them to my wife and I said "if you're drinking and driving in the car with our son that's where I draw the line. Then I looked in her eyes and I asked "do you understand how serious I am about this?" She lied and said those were from last Thursday and she didn't have anything to drink this weekend.
Then she dropped the sweetest words I've ever heard in my life. She said "I think i have a problem." "i joined a support group last week" lol i just gave her a hug and it was one of those really good hugs and after about a minute she started to pull away and i pulled her close and I whispered in her ear "honey i want you to know i feel so good right now and i know your scared right now but you can get here." "I love you and I'm here to help you" "it's going to be ok" "admitting you have a problem is so huge." "I'm here you're not alone"
ok I have to stop crying now because I have to go into work. Lol
Then she dropped the sweetest words I've ever heard in my life. She said "I think i have a problem." "i joined a support group last week" lol i just gave her a hug and it was one of those really good hugs and after about a minute she started to pull away and i pulled her close and I whispered in her ear "honey i want you to know i feel so good right now and i know your scared right now but you can get here." "I love you and I'm here to help you" "it's going to be ok" "admitting you have a problem is so huge." "I'm here you're not alone"
ok I have to stop crying now because I have to go into work. Lol
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Just a suggestion in passing . . . give her some distance to work HER program.
Her Program is called HER Program because it is HER's.
Just like YOUR Program will be YOUR Program.
Part of the "Let Go and Let God" stuff you will cover.
btw. Super Big Congrats.
Having looked a LOTS and LOTS of Long Term Couples . . . the ones that seem to work BEST are the couples where EACH are both working THEIR OWN Program.
Best to you.
Her Program is called HER Program because it is HER's.
Just like YOUR Program will be YOUR Program.
Part of the "Let Go and Let God" stuff you will cover.
btw. Super Big Congrats.
Having looked a LOTS and LOTS of Long Term Couples . . . the ones that seem to work BEST are the couples where EACH are both working THEIR OWN Program.
Best to you.
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
That is good news, milky. I really hope for you and your son that your wife gets help. Just a rhetorical question, but in case she does drink/drive again with your son do you know what you'll do?
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