Chelsea1029

So I offered to bring the children to my husband to visit him tonight since he wasn't working. He asked to come here and I said yes against my better judgement. He hadn't been drinking. At least since early morning I got home and he had made dinner but was irritable and kept making sarcastic comments. after dinner I asked if he wanted the kids to spend the night with him he said no he has to work tomorrow. What time? 1:00. Wth?! 1:00? He's staying 5 miles away at his mothers! Now it's fine with me but it just continues to amaze me that he can go from being an involved caring father to not caring if he sees them much.
He said "they'll ask when they want to stay." I should have left it alone but I said "don't you ever want to ask them?" His reply "you would think you would be asking me to come back." What?! "I am not living with an alcoholic who is drinking." His response "oh my god." Like I'm crazy!!
Anyway it was a nice reminder of why I am so glad he is not here anymore. He agitated the kids and I.
Just had to vent....next visit I will not be around for!

theuncertainty

Vent away, Chelsea. I don't get it, either. AXH tried to put the responsibility for calls and visits on DS. 'Have him call me when he wants.' Well, DS would call and his dad would be drunk. So DS would hang up. It didn't take long before DS stopped calling.

Although, in hind sight, I can't truthfully say AXH was particularly involved before we left. He did however, occasionally, play with DS. He was also very vocal about DS being HIS son. I never would've believed we'd be going on 2 years with no visit. I don't get it. DS is the most awesome kiddo ever. I love being with him and watching him explore and learn. I couldn't imagine not seeing him for 2 years.

Chelsea1029

Even worse day...horrible. I asked him not to come over and he did anyway. Apparently since I pointed out about him not wanting the kids last night he's going to be mean. He's saying he will have them for days or a week at a time now and I can't stop him. He's been so mean. I tried to touch his phone he grabbed my arm really hard. He said he has to keep my texts, "the evidence." wth?! what evidence? me asking to have notice when he wants to see kids?? He's delusional or something. I told him if he pushed keeping the kids during the week I would see an attorney and maybe ask about an order of protection or supervised visits. He said "maybe I've already filed a petition then it won't matter." What an idiot. I can't believe the denial it's just amazing. He still maintains he hasn't drank. It's just so frustrating.
I don't want him coming here anymore. I want to change the locks later. He's upset everyone while he's been here. I am glad he leaves for work soon. I was doing so much better. I Really wasn't good at detachment last night or today and that's made things much worse.
Thanks for "listening."

Hawkeye13

What I'm hearing you (kind of) say?

Get to the lawyer, change the locks, and do what your gut tells you.

Sounds like he is not getting better or being honest with himself in the slightest.

What do you need to do next week to care for yourself and your kids?
Focus on that and forget about his BS.

You are the sane one Chelsea and it sounds like he is in the fog of denial and addiction.

theuncertainty

Chelsea, part of what kids need is a sense of rhythm, a schedule. You and I know that. The courts know it, too.

When AXH was trying to prove he was a good dad to the girl he found after me (kids of her own) he'd just show up to take DS. Or would call early in the AM to say he would and then get po'd when I'd say DS already had plans: friend's birthday party, class get-together... when I had the audacity to say we need to set a schedule, he'd get worse and start screaming at me about how it sounds that he has to SCHEDULE time with HIS son. Well, it sounds like separation or divorce. That's how it goes.

Trying to explain that children need predictability in their lives got me nowhere with him. Trying to tell him that if I knew he'd pick DS up every other X-day, I wouldn't plan events for those days, but I would not NOT plan anything, did no good.

Heck, even the court telling AXH that *this* schedule is it, didn't quite work. AXH kept saying, 'OK, I'll work it out with TU.' The judge had to tell him there wasn't anything to work out; THIS is how it is.

Change the locks. You deserve to feel safe in your home. Keep a record of visits you offered and he declined or changed, of when he shows up unannounced or against your wishes, and any that are negotiated successfully and followed as planned.

Even if he filed already... It doesn't matter who filed, what will matter is the history of care for the kids and what is in the best interest (in the courts's view) of the kids. IMHO, he most likely hasn't filed anything. That would be taking responsibility, which I'm not getting is a strong suit for him. So, if you want a schedule, you're probably going to need to put in paperwork yourself.

It isn't his home anymore, right? He's living elsewhere. Change the locks. I want to keep repeating that over and over. Take care, Chelsea. ((((hugs))))

Chelsea1029

I am sure he hasn't done anything with an attorney. It's pathetic for him to even say it. It's all so heartbreaking. The grief over what I wanted of the marriage. The occasional glimmers of a nice person in there. The roller coaster of feeling - being angry, sad, feeling sorry for him, disappointment, grief, feeling I'm supposed to protect him, missing the person he can be, and hating him. His mood swings are unbearable. Is it the withdrawal from alcohol or what?
Today I told my brother and a friend about the separation which felt good. For some reason it just felt like an awful secret I didn't know how to share.
I am definitely going to call an attorney Monday and make an appointment. Not sure how financially but I will have to figure something out. I need to protect myself. And I most certainly will be changing the locks.
I contacted his mother and told her the kids would visit there tomorrow and I did not want him here.

Chelsea1029

Nbgirl - yes I agree I expect it anyday now! But I know for some things he listens to her so I want to use it while I can. So I don't have to see him tomorrow...

theuncertainty

I second what Nbgirl says. It's one thing to talk with her about scheduling the visits at her house, but based on my experience with AXH's sister, I definitely wouldn't confide anything about your planned discussion with an attorney.

It doesn't necessarily have to be withdrawal. I thought that it was with AXH, but he was still drinking/using. So, it turned out to just be another facet of his personality that was highlighted and exacerbated by his addiction.

CarryOn

My RAH claimed he quit for about three months last year, but his mood swings were terrible and he was generally unpleasant to be around. In reality, he was telling me he quit, but was just hiding his continued drinking.

When he actually quit and went to AA, his mood may have still been unpredictable, but he was able to start controlling how he behaved around others so most of the nastiness - arguments, snarky comments, etc. went away.

Just my experience. Regardless, early recovery is difficult. Sorry for what you are going through.

Chelsea1029

Yes I guess it's just hard to accept I married someone like this...it's not just the alcohol. Looking back I was so foolish it makes me angry at myself. I'd like to blame it on my age - I was only 20 when we started dating but old enough to know better. He'd had two dwi's, didn't have a license, and cancelled our first date because he was drunk. Hello? What an idiot I was. I thought, since I was coming from the college life it was typical. Although he was working not in school and he never outgrew it. I try not to dwell to much on the mistakes since it doesn't do any good and I'm thankful for my children...