Was it me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 3
Was it me?
Oh lordy...The crazy train just keeps chugging along. My AH got out of detox a week ago Monday. While he was there I called his family (they live out of state) and let them know I could not take an active role in his recovery, if he chooses recovery. My priority has to be our three children. If they want to help him find treatment, give him a place to stay, etc. they could do it, but I was done.
After leaving detox he spent four days in a hotel, partying heavily with a heroin addict he met in detox. This is a new development, he has never used hard drugs before.
He finally headed out to his family last Friday. It took him six days to drive 1500 miles. Somewhere along the way he reconnected with an old girlfriend and they have been talking/texting non-stop ever since.
Of course there were many weird, random texts and phone calls to me and the kids along the way. The weirdest was when he ran out of money about 2 hours from his destination. We have a family business (my family) and he was threatening to sue if we did not turn on his company American Express. He actually had his primary care physician call our office to ask us if we could help him. He had told the doctor he was on his way to get treatment and we had shut off his card. I felt sorry for the doctor when I explained that his card has been shut off for over a month and he had exhausted our personal account on his six day Party In The USA.
Of course his family has not had any contact with me or given me any information on his condition, if he is going into treatment, etc. I think once I told them I had to give my resources to the kids, not their son, I became "the enemy."
So the weirdest part of all of this...There is a part of me that is wondering, "Is it just me?" Did I make him so miserable, and put so much pressure on him to live a life he didn't really want to live, that he created this mess just to get out? Now that he is back in his hometown, where he is Mr. Captain of the Football Team, back with his high school sweetie, will he be so happy he actually quits drinking?
I know, super-pathetic, as well as ridiculous to think I have that much control over someone. But, it's still there. I guess even though I hate who he has become it still hurts.
After leaving detox he spent four days in a hotel, partying heavily with a heroin addict he met in detox. This is a new development, he has never used hard drugs before.
He finally headed out to his family last Friday. It took him six days to drive 1500 miles. Somewhere along the way he reconnected with an old girlfriend and they have been talking/texting non-stop ever since.
Of course there were many weird, random texts and phone calls to me and the kids along the way. The weirdest was when he ran out of money about 2 hours from his destination. We have a family business (my family) and he was threatening to sue if we did not turn on his company American Express. He actually had his primary care physician call our office to ask us if we could help him. He had told the doctor he was on his way to get treatment and we had shut off his card. I felt sorry for the doctor when I explained that his card has been shut off for over a month and he had exhausted our personal account on his six day Party In The USA.
Of course his family has not had any contact with me or given me any information on his condition, if he is going into treatment, etc. I think once I told them I had to give my resources to the kids, not their son, I became "the enemy."
So the weirdest part of all of this...There is a part of me that is wondering, "Is it just me?" Did I make him so miserable, and put so much pressure on him to live a life he didn't really want to live, that he created this mess just to get out? Now that he is back in his hometown, where he is Mr. Captain of the Football Team, back with his high school sweetie, will he be so happy he actually quits drinking?
I know, super-pathetic, as well as ridiculous to think I have that much control over someone. But, it's still there. I guess even though I hate who he has become it still hurts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I don't think alcoholism is dependent on happiness. Meaning, people can be happy re-living their Captain of the Football Team glory years, and be drunk alcoholics. I actually think going back in time when you can't handle the present doesn't do much good. The disease runs deeper than that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
No, no, no. His problems run so much deeper than you.
You are completely correct in deciding what you want and can handle in YOUR life.
And you need to protect your children from this kind of insanity.
Carry on.
(Having said all that, my AXH has re-married and presents as Mr. Perfect Husband and Father. And I also wonder "was it just me? Is he Mr. Perfect Husband when he has the right wife?" and then I think: "I hope so. Because I was miserable and scared the whole time I lived with him, so if I am having a better life and he is having a better life (which I know on a rational level that he is not), then we made the right decision.")
You are completely correct in deciding what you want and can handle in YOUR life.
And you need to protect your children from this kind of insanity.
Carry on.
(Having said all that, my AXH has re-married and presents as Mr. Perfect Husband and Father. And I also wonder "was it just me? Is he Mr. Perfect Husband when he has the right wife?" and then I think: "I hope so. Because I was miserable and scared the whole time I lived with him, so if I am having a better life and he is having a better life (which I know on a rational level that he is not), then we made the right decision.")
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
The nature of the disease is that people don't just drink because they are sad. Or can't tolerate life's problems, or their spouse made them drink. It is a progressive disease with an addiction that steadily grows until there is no reason anymore to have a drink, or not to have a drink. At that point it is all about feeding the addiction.
He might find a briefly happy situation for a while that appears to be contentment. But consider how out of control his behavior was in just a short 6 days, it sounds like the wheels are just about ready to fall off. Four days partying in a hotel directly after detox...wow
He might find a briefly happy situation for a while that appears to be contentment. But consider how out of control his behavior was in just a short 6 days, it sounds like the wheels are just about ready to fall off. Four days partying in a hotel directly after detox...wow
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
What makes you think that he's actually happy right now?
You are not the cause of his problems or the reason for his actions. That is ALL him. Further, happiness is in the eye of the beholder. He is a dead-beat dad with no money, no job, and no real home. Sounds like a real happy path to be leading, huh? Let the old single cheerleader have him and his old irrelevant high school status. You and your kids are the winners if he's out of your home and not causing anymore day to day stress for you.
Enjoy the peace of having him out of your home. Sending you a big hug!
You are not the cause of his problems or the reason for his actions. That is ALL him. Further, happiness is in the eye of the beholder. He is a dead-beat dad with no money, no job, and no real home. Sounds like a real happy path to be leading, huh? Let the old single cheerleader have him and his old irrelevant high school status. You and your kids are the winners if he's out of your home and not causing anymore day to day stress for you.
Enjoy the peace of having him out of your home. Sending you a big hug!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sooooo . . . . Al Bundy on Heroin.
Sounds charming.
Be soooooo glad he is gone.
It is when the turd is half-way stuck in the toilet . . . THAT is a mess.
But yours -- just flush and it is gone . . . .
Sounds charming.
Be soooooo glad he is gone.
It is when the turd is half-way stuck in the toilet . . . THAT is a mess.
But yours -- just flush and it is gone . . . .
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like he is in a free fall. Without a parachute. Be glad you're not in the drop zone anymore. He is headed to hell at warp speed.
You have done all the right things- making things you can control your focus. Taking care of yourself and your kids is the best thing you can do right now. Have some fun with them this weekend- my boys (5 & 12) both loved the Lego Movie- and enjoy your lovely Phoenix weather.
I must say I'm a tiny bit jealous. It was 30 degrees here today and it felt like a tropical paradise. On the other hand, you guys can't really go sledding, so I guess it all comes out even in the end.
Take care.
You have done all the right things- making things you can control your focus. Taking care of yourself and your kids is the best thing you can do right now. Have some fun with them this weekend- my boys (5 & 12) both loved the Lego Movie- and enjoy your lovely Phoenix weather.
I must say I'm a tiny bit jealous. It was 30 degrees here today and it felt like a tropical paradise. On the other hand, you guys can't really go sledding, so I guess it all comes out even in the end.
Take care.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Bluebird!
Well, if it were 'just you', logic would dictate that once he was away from you, everything would be fine, right?
During his go for launch in a hotel and then traveling meltdown, you were nowhere to be seen, correct? So, NO, his addiction, his family's reaction to your decision to protect the children, that has nothing to do with you.
I hope and pray that someday he will seek recovery so that he can know the wonderful people that are his children!
Please take good care of them and of you, too!!
Well, if it were 'just you', logic would dictate that once he was away from you, everything would be fine, right?
During his go for launch in a hotel and then traveling meltdown, you were nowhere to be seen, correct? So, NO, his addiction, his family's reaction to your decision to protect the children, that has nothing to do with you.
I hope and pray that someday he will seek recovery so that he can know the wonderful people that are his children!
Please take good care of them and of you, too!!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Kind of a big mess for him to create just to get out. Wouldn't it have been easier to say I don't want to live like this rather than become an alcoholic and end up partying with a heroin addict?
No,it's not you,it's his disease.
No,it's not you,it's his disease.
Originally Posted by Bluebird74 
Oh lordy...The crazy train just keeps chugging along. My AH got out of detox a week ago Monday. While he was there I called his family (they live out of state) and let them know I could not take an active role in his recovery, if he chooses recovery. My priority has to be our three children. If they want to help him find treatment, give him a place to stay, etc. they could do it, but I was done.
After leaving detox he spent four days in a hotel, partying heavily with a heroin addict he met in detox. This is a new development, he has never used hard drugs before.
He finally headed out to his family last Friday. It took him six days to drive 1500 miles. Somewhere along the way he reconnected with an old girlfriend and they have been talking/texting non-stop ever since.
Of course there were many weird, random texts and phone calls to me and the kids along the way. The weirdest was when he ran out of money about 2 hours from his destination. We have a family business (my family) and he was threatening to sue if we did not turn on his company American Express. He actually had his primary care physician call our office to ask us if we could help him. He had told the doctor he was on his way to get treatment and we had shut off his card. I felt sorry for the doctor when I explained that his card has been shut off for over a month and he had exhausted our personal account on his six day Party In The USA.
Of course his family has not had any contact with me or given me any information on his condition, if he is going into treatment, etc. I think once I told them I had to give my resources to the kids, not their son, I became "the enemy."
So the weirdest part of all of this...There is a part of me that is wondering, "Is it just me?" Did I make him so miserable, and put so much pressure on him to live a life he didn't really want to live, that he created this mess just to get out? Now that he is back in his hometown, where he is Mr. Captain of the Football Team, back with his high school sweetie, will he be so happy he actually quits drinking?
I know, super-pathetic, as well as ridiculous to think I have that much control over someone. But, it's still there. I guess even though I hate who he has become it still hurts.
After leaving detox he spent four days in a hotel, partying heavily with a heroin addict he met in detox. This is a new development, he has never used hard drugs before.
He finally headed out to his family last Friday. It took him six days to drive 1500 miles. Somewhere along the way he reconnected with an old girlfriend and they have been talking/texting non-stop ever since.
Of course there were many weird, random texts and phone calls to me and the kids along the way. The weirdest was when he ran out of money about 2 hours from his destination. We have a family business (my family) and he was threatening to sue if we did not turn on his company American Express. He actually had his primary care physician call our office to ask us if we could help him. He had told the doctor he was on his way to get treatment and we had shut off his card. I felt sorry for the doctor when I explained that his card has been shut off for over a month and he had exhausted our personal account on his six day Party In The USA.
Of course his family has not had any contact with me or given me any information on his condition, if he is going into treatment, etc. I think once I told them I had to give my resources to the kids, not their son, I became "the enemy."
So the weirdest part of all of this...There is a part of me that is wondering, "Is it just me?" Did I make him so miserable, and put so much pressure on him to live a life he didn't really want to live, that he created this mess just to get out? Now that he is back in his hometown, where he is Mr. Captain of the Football Team, back with his high school sweetie, will he be so happy he actually quits drinking?
I know, super-pathetic, as well as ridiculous to think I have that much control over someone. But, it's still there. I guess even though I hate who he has become it still hurts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
I thought this exact same thing...Was my XRAH so miserable with me for 18 years that he had to drink to get through it?..Now that hes moved on with his other woman and is sober will he be wonderfully happy?
Im here to tell you it doesn't work that way. First off If someone is so miserable, a healthy strong mature person would get out of a situation that just wasn't right. They wouldn't stay in that situation for years and make everyone around them miserable.
Second..my XRAH has 4 years sober...is not working any kind of program and his behavior is WORSE then when he was drinking. He never dealt with any of the issues that lead him to his drinking and continues to let those issues run his life. I cant believe that is any kind of happiness for him. I don't care that he is still with the woman he left all of us for, he is still a lonely unhappy man that really has nothing.
My Xs family also does not have any contact with us and it is clear they blame me for a lot of things. My inlaws raised my XRAH in bars, they are both alcoholics and if the kids weren't at the bars with them they were left at home alone where my XRAH had to take care of them as he was the oldest. I don't expect them to see any of this clearly. And besides It may be cliché but blood IS thicker then water.
It hurts like hell...and then eventually it doesn't.
just wanted to sent my support.
Im here to tell you it doesn't work that way. First off If someone is so miserable, a healthy strong mature person would get out of a situation that just wasn't right. They wouldn't stay in that situation for years and make everyone around them miserable.
Second..my XRAH has 4 years sober...is not working any kind of program and his behavior is WORSE then when he was drinking. He never dealt with any of the issues that lead him to his drinking and continues to let those issues run his life. I cant believe that is any kind of happiness for him. I don't care that he is still with the woman he left all of us for, he is still a lonely unhappy man that really has nothing.
My Xs family also does not have any contact with us and it is clear they blame me for a lot of things. My inlaws raised my XRAH in bars, they are both alcoholics and if the kids weren't at the bars with them they were left at home alone where my XRAH had to take care of them as he was the oldest. I don't expect them to see any of this clearly. And besides It may be cliché but blood IS thicker then water.
It hurts like hell...and then eventually it doesn't.
just wanted to sent my support.
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