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When child protective services FAIL your kids

Old 03-07-2014, 11:05 AM
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When child protective services FAIL your kids

Well, after xAH was arrested for hitting me and AFTER the girls reported it to their therapist and AFTER therapist called DCYF (and then me to say she had little hope they would do a damn thing), the idiot worker came to interview the girls...

I was totally cooperative and agreeable...

She met with the kids and then asked them to wait upstairs while she spoke to me.

Conversation went this way:

"Well they did report they are scared of their dad when he hits you but I asked if their fear interferes with them at school or if they can still have fun with friends and concentrate and they said yes so the case will be closed because it's not child abuse for them to witness an alleged act of domestic violence".

At that point there was nearly an act of violence on my part bc I wanted to shake her and ask her if she was insane.

Instead I paused and took a lot of deep breaths and explained that one of the issues the girls therapist and I are concerned with is that they ALWAYS are ok in school and are GREAT at keeping up appearances but that ought not be an indicator of whether it is abusive for them to be subjected to their fathers violent attacks.

DCYF worker replied that he had not been convicted yet so it was just an allegation.

I was starting to get pissed and reminded her he had been arrested and that I wasn't going to debate the criminal case with her but was concerned about my kids witnessing his abuse.

She then paused and said "well I have to ask you something that may be hard to swallow but is it possible you did anything that might have provoked him because it seems strange he would just assault you without provocation".

I started to cry at that point and told her she was grossly inappropriate, that this had happened mere days before and I showed her the scratches and bruises and asked her to leave my home immediately.

She reminded me that the case would be closed with no finding of abuse and said she was sorry I couldn't hear her question without being defensive and i should think about it.

I immediately called to file a complaint and asked her supervisor to call me back.

So, thats how my state deals with child abuse...
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Old 03-07-2014, 11:10 AM
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Yuck Yuck Yuck.
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Old 03-07-2014, 11:15 AM
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Sure. CPS does tend to be the least competent and least paid of the "helping" professions.

Everybody sort of knows that. Their primary goal is to close cases. She was successful in her primary goal.

Still -- go through the reporting. Go through the documentation.

Sometimes the trash has to get pretty deep before it gets hauled out.

Write it all up and send to your State Reps, etc.
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Old 03-07-2014, 11:21 AM
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WTBH, I really, really, really want to take that woman by the shoulders and shake her. And then the system that employs her without providing training about the situations she's likely to encounter in the course of her job. OMFG...

I am so, so sorry that she not only invalidated the harm that it does to you and the girls, but then accused you of provoking him. Here's what I would need after hearing that from some one who was supposed to help:

NOTHING you did or did not do warranted his behavior. YOU are NOT the cause of the abuse. It is NOT OK for him do this. It is NOT OK for your girls to be so afraid of the fall out that they are ALWAYS OK. They should be able to feel, to have bad days... they shouldn't have to be perfect every day, every minute just to ward of something bad happening, so they aren't the cause of their father's anger.

You are an amazingly strong woman and a wonderful Mom!

Hugs, hugs, hugs and / or maybe holding a punching bag for you while you let go of the anger and frustration caused by her ignorant comments.
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Old 03-07-2014, 11:25 AM
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Disgusting. Absolutely Disgusting.

I am so sorry. How awful for you and your girls.

Our system once again failed.

You are in my thought and prayers. PM me anytime you need support.

God Bless.
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Old 03-07-2014, 11:30 AM
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Holy. Mother. Of. All. That. Is. Holy.

She said WHAT????

OK, I have steam coming out my ears here. You have a DFYS investigator blaming the victim of a domestic violence attack for the attack??? This person is unfit for her job. Un. Fit. SERIOUSLY.

I am so happy you reported her immediately. For crying out loud, do they not teach their investigators the first thing about domestic abuse??? I mean, godssakes, my preteen would know better than to ask an asinine question like that. My garbage can would know better.

And you are completely on the money here:
they ALWAYS are ok in school and are GREAT at keeping up appearances but that ought not be an indicator of whether it is abusive for them to be subjected to their fathers violent attacks.
One of my kids used "Being The Model Child" as her main coping skill. Her teachers were dumbfounded when they found out what was going on at home. They thought for sure we were The Perfect Family based on her behavior.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has this to say about children growing up with alcoholic parents:
Some children of alcoholics may cope by taking the role of responsible "parents" within the family and among friends. They may become controlled, successful "overachievers" throughout school, and at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers. Their emotional problems may show only when they become adults.
One of ACOA's 13 traits of adult children of alcoholics is that

Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible
and another one is that
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
And while they don't say it in their literature, my experience with my own children is that this is true of them already before they become adults. They are expert at sensing what answer an authority figure wants, and to give that answer.

Like I said to Pippi in her post earlier this week, I wouldn't expect much from DFYS. But I would expect more than a secondary violation of a domestic violence survivor. That is outrageous and wrong. And I am so sorry you had to go through that.
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Old 03-07-2014, 12:09 PM
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I am so sorry, WTBH I am so glad you filed a complaint against her! She should be fired for gross misconduct! I really, really hope this is a rogue worker and not indicative of the type of care families receive in your state! Will definitely pray that, as a result of your complaint, you are assigned a new, competent case worker.
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Old 03-07-2014, 12:16 PM
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MFer to your CPS worker and your qualifier! But Hammer is right. Papertrail. Just make a big papertrail. Cops, Criminal Case, restraining order, arrest, CPS review, counselors, whatever you can document. Play the game for the papertrail.

My DS is a good student and has hardly needed parenting. When I discovered 'good' kids may be coping mechanisms due to being in an addict's home I thought, "Great now I feel guilty and worry because I have a GOOD kid!"
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Old 03-07-2014, 12:48 PM
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WTBH, I really, really, really want to take that woman by the shoulders and shake her.
I want to do more than that. I want to beat the snot out of her and then say...well, ya know, I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't provoked me.

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Old 03-07-2014, 12:51 PM
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Apologies if I offend, but I am deeply, horrendously offended by her question:

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
She then paused and said "well I have to ask you something that may be hard to swallow but is it possible you did anything that might have provoked him because it seems strange he would just assault you without provocation".
It seems that our society has finally realized that when a woman is raped, it is not her fault because of how she was dressed or what she drank or how she flirted with the person. I liken abuse to the same - there is NOTHING someone can do that justifies another to assault them.

WTBH...I'm so sorry for what you and your girls are going through and I hope that you follow through with the complaint. Hugs.
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Old 03-07-2014, 12:51 PM
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I'm sorry this happened. ((((hugs))))

Make sure you tell the therapist what happened with the interview and see if you can get them to call again. Just a thought.

Your friend,
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Old 03-07-2014, 01:58 PM
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Holy Big Eyes!

I have nothing to add other than I'm one more person who thinks that is useless ********. Yes, she failed your whole family. I wonder if this is what they all ask, or of she is just a rogue, like JAG71 wondered. Ugh.
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Old 03-07-2014, 02:05 PM
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I can only wonder what incredibly stupid question or suggestion she made to your kids during the private interview!

I am angry for you! and for your kids!
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Old 03-07-2014, 03:21 PM
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Oh that is so messed up. I am so sorry to hear this.

Sue
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Old 03-07-2014, 04:08 PM
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Next time this happens, insist that a tape recorder be present during your conversation with the worker.
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Old 03-07-2014, 05:12 PM
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Wow. I can't believe that anyone would suggest that you could possibly say anything antagonistic enough to justify assault. I'm so sorry they sent the village idiot as your case worker.
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Old 03-07-2014, 05:41 PM
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Thank you all for your support. I wish the "pros" here in this insane state had a shred as much sense as you all

I actually grabbed my phone and hit record and told her I was doing so and asked to her to clarify what she meant and she repeated herself ON TAPE!!!

I called the state office of the ombudsman and spoke to the guy who takes complaints.

Then talked to the person covering for her supervisor who tried to tell me she must have been trying to father more info and I mistook her intent. I reminded her that I had been beaten up and it was NEVER ok to ask if I was the cause of the abuse. She told me she would talk w the stupid dingbat who came to my house.

And obviously DCYF blows nothing about child abuse since my older daughter accordion to her therapist is "terrified" of her dad but bc she's perfect child everywhere everyone says I'm worrying too much and she is fine.

She's NOT fine at all and apparently needs to be killing animals or burning down houses for anyone to care that her having contact w her father is bad for her.
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Old 03-07-2014, 05:58 PM
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Hug those kids. You are their anchor and their safe place. Whatever else happens, they will know they are safe with you.
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Old 03-07-2014, 06:06 PM
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I've reached out to a former employer NOT in this state and am going to fight hard to get a job there and then just go and gamble that the POS no good "father" of my
kids will bluster but not do a damn thing about it. I can't stay geographically near him and would rather be held in contempt than continue this insanity

My abusive family of origin is totally unsupportive and my mother blamed me for the stress his arrest caused her this week when it made front page news bc of course it is all about her.
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Old 03-07-2014, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by wellnowwhat View Post
I can only wonder what incredibly stupid question or suggestion she made to your kids during the private interview!

I am angry for you! and for your kids!
I've been sick about that too and was told by the state office I complained about her to that I absolutely should have been invited to sit in on her interview w my kids. I wasn't told that by her and am sick about what she may have said to them
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