Double Winners
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Double Winners
I posted this over in the 12-step side as well but wanted to hear from any double winners over here.
I think many of us are "Double Winners". It means we qualify for both AA and Alanon. I'm one of them.
I'm looking for some guidance on referring a sponsee to Alanon. We have worked through the steps together and still meet on a regular basis. She is currently focusing hard on 10, 11, and 12.
BUT -- she's having a difficult time focusing on anything other than her two children who are (one admits it and the other doesn't) alcoholics/addicts themselves. She's enabling them like crazy. Money, cars, letting them monopolizing her time and brain. As any mother would be, she's worried sick about them. She knows logically she can't fix them or save them but then there's that motherly thought that she is their provider, protector, helps keep them safe. I think any parent can understand that.
I, of course, have opinions on all of this enabling stuff. Some of it is experience with my mother but I know I can't fully understand how she's feeling because she's dealing with children. Because I have never worked them steps on an Alanon perspective, I can't really offer any constructive advice.
I've been telling her for sometime to add Alanon into her program. She needs to do it for her sanity, which for her, is directly linked to her own addiction and therefore her life.
I don't want to talk bout her kids anymore. I feel selfish about that but It's not constructive and I find myself giving advice and then pulling back because I don't have real experience to share. I believe strongly that I need to share on my experience, not my opinions. I've got opinions on everything under the sun that I generally believe are the right opinion. I have to remind myself often my opinions are not the only right one's and often they don't have much of a strong basis.
I tell her this openly but since we meet on a regular basis, this is what's going on in her life, this is what's messing with her serenity.
I've offered a solution. Attend Alanon, get a sponsor, work the steps. I guess I just have to leave it at that.
I would love to hear from anyone who's been through something similar.
I think many of us are "Double Winners". It means we qualify for both AA and Alanon. I'm one of them.
I'm looking for some guidance on referring a sponsee to Alanon. We have worked through the steps together and still meet on a regular basis. She is currently focusing hard on 10, 11, and 12.
BUT -- she's having a difficult time focusing on anything other than her two children who are (one admits it and the other doesn't) alcoholics/addicts themselves. She's enabling them like crazy. Money, cars, letting them monopolizing her time and brain. As any mother would be, she's worried sick about them. She knows logically she can't fix them or save them but then there's that motherly thought that she is their provider, protector, helps keep them safe. I think any parent can understand that.
I, of course, have opinions on all of this enabling stuff. Some of it is experience with my mother but I know I can't fully understand how she's feeling because she's dealing with children. Because I have never worked them steps on an Alanon perspective, I can't really offer any constructive advice.
I've been telling her for sometime to add Alanon into her program. She needs to do it for her sanity, which for her, is directly linked to her own addiction and therefore her life.
I don't want to talk bout her kids anymore. I feel selfish about that but It's not constructive and I find myself giving advice and then pulling back because I don't have real experience to share. I believe strongly that I need to share on my experience, not my opinions. I've got opinions on everything under the sun that I generally believe are the right opinion. I have to remind myself often my opinions are not the only right one's and often they don't have much of a strong basis.
I tell her this openly but since we meet on a regular basis, this is what's going on in her life, this is what's messing with her serenity.
I've offered a solution. Attend Alanon, get a sponsor, work the steps. I guess I just have to leave it at that.
I would love to hear from anyone who's been through something similar.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sort of funny . . . . at least to me . . . . you are confirming my jackass cynic side. 
I sometimes joke (usually to myself) that when the A's show up . . . at their sponsor's direction . . . on the Alanon side, it is because their AA sponsor got tired of dealing with them.
okay. Enough of that. Or maybe too much.
Really. Send her over. Some early come-overs do the Bragzilla Drunk-a-logs, but we kind of smile and roll our eyes a little (used to that stuff at home, afterall). After a while they settle in to work on themselves. Most seem to do okay.
I sometimes joke (usually to myself) that when the A's show up . . . at their sponsor's direction . . . on the Alanon side, it is because their AA sponsor got tired of dealing with them.
okay. Enough of that. Or maybe too much.
Really. Send her over. Some early come-overs do the Bragzilla Drunk-a-logs, but we kind of smile and roll our eyes a little (used to that stuff at home, afterall). After a while they settle in to work on themselves. Most seem to do okay.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
So, my Al Anon sponsor told me yesterday, "If you say something once, it's standing up for yourself. If you say it more than once, it's controlling. "I know this isn't an issue of you standing up for yourself, but I think the same concept might apply. You let her know it's there, then let it go? I don't know though. I've never been a sponsor, never been in AA...
Here's what my sponsor does though. She asks me questions. "Have you done any writing this week?" "How many meetings did you go to this week?" "Is it possible that....?" "Can you see how that would be....?" Sometimes she'll tell me that she gets crazy if she doesn't get to more than 1 meeting per week. Also, there's, "Many people find that ____ helps them."
If she suggests something and I don't try it out, I know that it's my responsibility to try the suggestion or keep expecting what I'm facing. That's what works for me.
I don't know how many times you've suggested Al anon though...
Here's what my sponsor does though. She asks me questions. "Have you done any writing this week?" "How many meetings did you go to this week?" "Is it possible that....?" "Can you see how that would be....?" Sometimes she'll tell me that she gets crazy if she doesn't get to more than 1 meeting per week. Also, there's, "Many people find that ____ helps them."
If she suggests something and I don't try it out, I know that it's my responsibility to try the suggestion or keep expecting what I'm facing. That's what works for me.
I don't know how many times you've suggested Al anon though...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
A member here whom I have not seen in quite some time used to tell the story of how after she had been in AA for a little over a year, her sponsor instructed her to start going to Al-Anon meetings as well! She has been in "double recovery" for quite some time now and doing very well
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Tanks everyone.
She doesn't deny that she would go or that it would be helpful.
Generally, I'm great at making suggestions and then dropping it. It's when you make the suggestion, they agree but don't do it and then want to continue to complain about the situation. I can relate to that but we're in a program of action ( AA and Alanon) so .....
I guess I should just tell her to take some action and let's not talk about it any more. She knows my thoughts on it. We can talk it to death and unless changes are made it will stay the same. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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She doesn't deny that she would go or that it would be helpful.
Generally, I'm great at making suggestions and then dropping it. It's when you make the suggestion, they agree but don't do it and then want to continue to complain about the situation. I can relate to that but we're in a program of action ( AA and Alanon) so .....
I guess I should just tell her to take some action and let's not talk about it any more. She knows my thoughts on it. We can talk it to death and unless changes are made it will stay the same. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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