To Go or Not To Go...
 

There is a memorial service being planned for my axbf soon and I'm not sure if I should go. There will be a lot of drinking there which will make me uncomfortable. Plus our relationship ended so badly I'm not even sure he would want me to be there. I kind of feel it would be nice to say something to his family but I'm not sure I'd really be up for the torment. Thoughts?

Ziggy,

I don't know what to advise you. I think if you need to go so that you can have closure, then I think you should go. If not, a sympathy card is OK also.

I just had to go to a wake for my ex MIL. I did it for my MIL, I did it for me, I did it for my children, and I did it for my ex and his siblings.

I am so sorry to hear about his passing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and his family.

Sympathy card will do...

Hey ziggy! Hugs to you! Maybe you could pay your respects in private in your own spiritual way. Of course, if you decide to go that's a completely respectable decision as well. But maybe having some private time for prayer/spiritual reflection to honor your ex's life would help you grieve and show your respects without ripping the scab off the wound that you've worked so hard to heal! I can only imagine what kind of gut wrenching and conflicting emotions attending his ceremony would bring. Whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck! Xx

IMO. It sounds like it's going to put you in a bad position. I would write him a letter and say the things you need to. Then send a card to the family. But that's just my opinion. Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I have to admit the thought of watching people quaff down a bunch of cocktails in his name is making me feel kind of ill... :(

Ziggy, a good rule of thumb for me is
Your friend,

My thought is that funerals are not for the dead, they're for the living.

If you think it would be helpful for you to be there, if you think it would be helpful for his family that you come, I would go. But I would feel no obligation.

Yeah, in all honesty I kind of doubt they will even miss me. I think it's my own sense of guilt making me feel like I should do something.

Thanks Mike. I needed this today and your footer is such a great reminder!

I think anything that could cause you any angst may not be a good idea. There is nothing wrong with sending a card to the family. Are they requesting donations to a charity in lieu of flowers, etc? You could send flowers, or donate money as they desire. Or go to the service. What really matters is what feels right to you. There is no wrong answer.