ALittleBitCrazy

I'm supposed to be going on a vacation with my supposedly recovering AH and 3 girls in about 2 weeks. I say "supposedly" because he quit drinking back in October - but I deeply suspect he is drinking again, just for the last week or so. I would have chalked my suspicions up to nothing if my kid hadn't asked me if Papa was drunk at the same time I was thinking it…but if we're both suspicious… And, while I have a terrible sense of smell, I'm pretty sure I have smelled alcohol on his breath.

Do I ask about this before we go on vacation, and risk ruining a trip the girls are excited about? We haven't had a vacation in a while. Do I just let it slide? Since I'm not absolutely sure - I feel like it's on the shakiest of evidence - I know I run the risk of saying something to him, and having him deny it, and just hide it better.

Any words of wisdom, anyone?

firebolt

I'm sorry that's so difficult.

Bringing it up to him is either going to get him to fess up, that doesn't change what he did, or what he will do tomorrow.

Or, he will deny it. That's an argument we've all had a thousand times - fun huh?!

You know he's drinking - we get so distrustful of ourselves - listen to yourself!

What is your goal? To not go on vacation with an active alcoholic? If that's the case, Can you and the kiddos just go without him?

Stung

Okay, first things first. You totally can do a vacation without him. If you and your girls are looking forward to it your fun does not have to be dependent upon his sobriety. I just recently took my two kids away for a few days last month and we had a blast. No husband necessary.

Second, lets say he was drinking last week, then what? Are there boundaries that you have that you're ready to enforce?

iwanthappiness

I'm sorry I really don't have any advise to give you, but I am glad you posted. I have been in your shoes at least twice now regarding previous vacations. Asking him will only lead to denial, in my opinion. I would, though, listen to your gut. The way I see it you have 2 choices:

1) Go on vacation, expecting a relapse, and have fun anyway!

2) Don't go, expecting a relapse and have a "stay-cation"....and have fun anyway!

Looking back, I so wish I would have ignored the relapse and just enjoyed the moment with my children. Sorry this isn't much of advice, hugs to you!

dandylion

ALittleBitCrazy---I don't think the evidence is "shakey". If you know it and the l ittle kid knows it---you don't need him to agree or not. You know he has been--then, treat it as fact--not a question.

I suggest that you consider Stung's suggestion. You don't need him for a vacation with the kids.

I think it is a good idea to learn to function independently, anyway---as you don't really know what the future might bring.

My adult son used to deny he had been drinking---I told him that I knew and that it was, therefore a fact!! Not up for debate. End of discussion. ALittleBitCrazy---stop doubting your gut!!!

dandylion

lillamy

If he's going to drink, he's going to drink whether you ask him about it or not.

What I did when I was married to an A was to assume he was going to drink every day, and assume his drinking would be ten times worse on vacation. That way, I could plan the vacation accordingly. Most vacations we took were spent with me doing things with the kids and him sitting with headphones on listening to music and being drunk before 11 am.

Even if you're not sure whether he is drinking again or not, maybe one idea could be to assume he is drinking and plan the vacation accordingly. For example, make sure you are driving. Think through ahead of time what boundaries you want to set. (For example, "The children and I will not go with you in the car/on the boat if you have been drinking" or "I will not share a bed with you after you've been drinking; I will sleep in the kids' room."

I've spent many fun vacations just me and the kids doing stuff, and ignoring the A. It's not your ideal family vacation but it can still be fun.

Raider

I have no experience but that is heartbreaking. This is exactly why I think sticking with an A is far worse than being the A. I cannot imagine the pain, fear and shear exhaustion one feels worrying about when your A is going to relapse. I would be going through all my A's stuff everyday checking for signs. I would be relentless. I would end up driving us both crazy. I salute you and those that stick around. I do not think I could do it. Go on that vacation with or without him. Go have some fun. You deserve it.

CodeJob

My DS and I typically travel without the qualifier once a year. This was part of my detaching long before he quit.

Chelsea1029

I'd say trust your gut. I wish I had a long time ago. All the lies and the anger toward for me even suggesting such a thing made me doubt myself and think I was crazy. When the whole time I had been right. Now I trust myself more. I know my nose doesn't randomly smell alcohol, I smell it because he drank it. As tempting as it is to want to believe it...
Can you go without him? Or if he goes focus on having fun with your kids. If you cancel it, it doesn't change anything, it just ruins your vacation and the kids vacation.