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He walked out today

Old 03-06-2014, 01:50 PM
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He walked out today

Well ... rAH (sober since Nov.13th) has been home from rehab since the end of January. Things have been uncomfortable and awkward b/w us since he had come home. Sadly things weren't great before rehab or during - I really shut down while he was away at rehab and there was little communication. I had thought things would get better once he was home and we settled back into a routine. Sadly things haven't gotten better ... we continue to poorly communicate and it was like two strangers living in the same house.

We had talked previously about the possibility of separating but said we'd give it a try first but that there were no promises. He has taken this as "me not loving him" ... so he has moped around for days on end (very much a "woah is me attitude". Last night he didn't come after his meeting ended (at 9pm). I heard him come home around 2:30 am. I asked him this morning what time he got home and asked where he had been. He said he was at the local coffee shop as he can't sleep. Said that because I never talk to him that he can't sleep. So I said that I didn't think this was working between us. I said the feelings had changed and I didn't know if those feelings ever really come back. He didn't say much other than how he does so much work around the house now (he did none before rehab). Anyways an hour later he comes downstairs with his big duffle bag full of his clothes. Didn't say a word to me ... just loaded it in his car. Got his toiletry stuff and left. That was around 9 am. I haven't heard from him since.

At first it was a bit of relief and anger ... but I've had a lot of tears this afternoon too. As much as I had this in my head that this could happen, it still hurts a lot. The lack of even telling me where he was going hurts. I am assuming he is at his sponsors house, but I am not going to chase after him.

So many things to think about and things I am sure I should be doing but I feel kind of lost ... I just had to share. A few friends know what has happened, but that is about it. My girls don't know yet either ... I figure until I know more about what he is doing or where he is I don't need to worry them.
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Old 03-06-2014, 02:20 PM
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((((((hugs))))))) xxxx
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Old 03-06-2014, 02:50 PM
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I don't know what to say. Bless your heart and your family as well.
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Old 03-06-2014, 03:25 PM
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Tight Hugs. It is hard. The worst mistake I ever made was letting my AH come home after rehab. I have simply drug it out an additional 4 years and now it's an even bigger mess.

I am so sorry. Do what is good for you and your girls.
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Old 03-06-2014, 04:02 PM
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OH kdjom---I think most couples are completely unaware of how difficult the early recovery period is. I see, all the time, on the threads that it was just assumed that everything would be o.k. "if they just stopped drinking". Recovery is very hard on everyone in the family. The family needs as much help as the recovering alcoholic does.
Typically, the alcoholic has a hard time just making it from day to day after their main coping tool has been taken away (alcohol).

Now would be a good time to consider alanon--if you haven't already. You could use the support of others who have walked in your shoes---and understand what you are going through.

You will come through this. I assure you...you are much stronger than you think you are!!!

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Old 03-06-2014, 04:13 PM
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Said that because I never talk to him that he can't sleep.
If that's what he said, I think it's great if he sleeps on the couch in his sponsor's home for a while. Maybe his sponsor can explain to him that "never" and blaming your spouse for not being able to sleep doesn't really reflect a good insight into taking responsibility for your own emotions -- something that is crucial to recovery.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think being separated until he has more recovery time under his belt and you can both better evaluate what is left and what can be done with it sounds like a fairly good idea under the circumstances.
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Old 03-07-2014, 07:35 AM
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I still have not heard from rAH ... I assume he stayed at his sponsor's place. It would be nice if he at least sent a text so I knew where he was or that he was ok. When he had his suicide attempt last November I had no idea at that point that he was drinking again ... so that goes through my head too. I don't feel he is suicidal right now ... and I did hear him call his sponsor, but didn't hear the phone call.

I do have the name of a lawyer today and I am going to call for a consultation. I feel done right now. The feelings aren't there and I don't believe those 'in love' feelings can come back. I have a lot of resentment and I don't entirely trust him. I'm tired of the "poor me" attitude as it is draining to always try to counteract that.

I guess we shall see what today brings ... it is time now to worry about taking care of me and my girls. Whatever is going through his head he is going to have to deal with ... I can't do it anymore
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Old 03-07-2014, 08:11 AM
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He called his sponsor, that is good. I am sure his sponsor talked with him about everything. Let them worry about him.

You are correct, time to get it together for you and your girls.

Tight hugs. I do truly understand.

God Bless!
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Old 03-07-2014, 09:14 AM
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I know you don't want to even think about alanon, but for your sake and the sake of your children who will need help I wish you would give it a try. I didn't much care for the idea at first either and still didn't care for it much after going to several meetings, but I have met some wonderful ladies in my very situation full of wisdom from many years of alanon that have been invaluable support to me. Just my 2 cents..only worth about a cup of coffee..lol
So sorry for what your family is going thru...you all will be ok. Super big 'ole hugs to you!
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Old 03-07-2014, 09:58 AM
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Kdjom, Early recovery must be purgatory. If you feel that your feelings & trust for him are done - then done is done. But if you are done, then you can't worry about where he is or have expectations on when you will hear from him. You have to cut that tie or you are going to drive yourself nuts.

Now I am not saying you don't need to talk to him about sharing the kids and other aspects of separating, but expecting him to check up with you like a partner/husband - nope. Those days are over when you are 'done.'

I'm not much of a cryer. I hate crying. I really know I am in a mess when my tears start up.... Hugs to you at this moment.
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Old 03-09-2014, 04:32 PM
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He came back home on Friday night ... sent two random texts to me in the afternoon and then showed up instead of going to his AA meeting. We did talk ... he slept in his car the night he wasn't home. Didn't go to his sponsor's house as he was having an AA gathering and my hubby didn't feel up to seeing anyone.

So I agreed for him to stay here as we have the room but I told him I am done. I just don't have the feelings I should have to be married ... they died a long time ago ... it took all of this happening to open my eyes up to how bad things really were.

Anyways ... he's moping around, not going to his AA meetings - says he doesn't feel well. He didn't go this morning (his home meeting) so I just told him he needs to go tonight. So he spouts off about how I (all ME) dropped this bomb on him and he doesn't think he can handle going to meetings right now. I told him he needs the meetings more than ever right now ... then he says he has appointments to go look at apartments tomorrow ... where that money would come from I am not really sure. All along he has said he will stay here as he doesn't want to ruin our oldest's birthday which is this coming Friday ... not sure what is going through his head.

I am frustrated and overwhelmed really ... so many things to think about and there will be so many things to settle in the next while. I find myself becoming more and more angry with him thinking about so many things over the years that happened and how I have always made excuses for him so many times ... I just feel so very, very done. Sigh ... will this get worse before it gets better? I don't know how much more of this I can take!
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Old 03-09-2014, 04:54 PM
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kdjom---Lots of people go through rehab without recieving the full benefit because they may h ave done it for other people or to get others off their back. Rehab just gets them ready to begin recovery--points them in the direction that they need to go.

Until he "gets it" that he has to want recovery for his own life--he is likely to continue to manipulate, whine and quack---to get you to re=establish the status quo for him. Him drinking and you being tolerant.

You just have to establish your boundaries and enforce them. He won't like it, of course.
His future is up to him, though. Just as yours is up to you.

Early recovery is usually a fresh trip through He**--especially, for the unprepared.

You can make it, though--as long as you keep the focus on your welfare.

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Old 03-09-2014, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
kdjom---Lots of people go through rehab without recieving the full benefit because they may h ave done it for other people or to get others off their back. Rehab just gets them ready to begin recovery--points them in the direction that they need to go.

Until he "gets it" that he has to want recovery for his own life--he is likely to continue to manipulate, whine and quack---to get you to re=establish the status quo for him. Him drinking and you being tolerant.

dandylion
This is true dandylion ... he has thrown up a few times that my dad and I rushed him into rehab ... we didn't - my dad happens to work in the station with him and inquired about what benefits were available to him. This did get the ball rolling and three weeks after the whole incident, rAH went to rehab for 8 weeks. I can't believe he thinks we MADE him ... we were trying to HELP him!!

So yes I suppose he is manipulating and quacking ... he was angry with me tonight - that anger I haven't seen since before I discovered all the drinking was going on again ... he's been so passive and so "poor me" since coming home.

I am not going to tolerate it anymore. I have to protect my girls too if he does relapse ... he needs to be sober for himself first ... but I believe he thinks he did this for me and the girls.
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Old 03-09-2014, 05:48 PM
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Didn't go to his sponsor's house as he was having an AA gathering and my hubby didn't feel up to seeing anyone.

he's moping around, not going to his AA meetings - says he doesn't feel well. He didn't go this morning (his home meeting) so I just told him he needs to go tonight. So he spouts off about how I (all ME) dropped this bomb on him and he doesn't think he can handle going to meetings right now. I told him he needs the meetings more than ever right now ... then he says he has appointments to go look at apartments tomorrow


I have to protect my girls too if he does relapse

IMHO, he already IS in mental relapse...he's not doing ANY recovery activities, pouting, lots of excuses, AND yet going to look at apartments tomorrow. he is not invested in getting better, he's looking for a way out.
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Old 03-09-2014, 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
IMHO, he already IS in mental relapse...he's not doing ANY recovery activities, pouting, lots of excuses, AND yet going to look at apartments tomorrow. he is not invested in getting better, he's looking for a way out.
I agree ... he is looking for a way out ... this is typical of his behaviour in any situation that creates stress for him.

He did leave the house telling our youngest he had to go to a meeting ... whether he truly did, I don't know. I can hope he did, but I can't hold his hand and make him go. He needs to be there and he needs that support ... but right now I'm not sure if he sees that.

We can't afford an apartment right now on top of the house ... not sure what he is thinking ... plus a batchelor pad doesn't exactly set him up for ever having the girls be there. He's angry at me now ... so anything that goes wrong will once again be my fault.
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Old 03-09-2014, 06:10 PM
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so anything that goes wrong will once again be my fault.

no, it's not. that is only what HE will throw out. because he cannot look at himself. it's time to stop giving him so much power. ONE meeting will not cure him or fix him......it takes hundreds...consistent attendance, being involved, becoming part of the fellowship, step studies, working with a sponsor....actively engaged. as it would be with any worthy endeavor...
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Old 03-09-2014, 06:47 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
so anything that goes wrong will once again be my fault.

no, it's not. that is only what HE will throw out. because he cannot look at himself. it's time to stop giving him so much power. ONE meeting will not cure him or fix him......it takes hundreds...consistent attendance, being involved, becoming part of the fellowship, step studies, working with a sponsor....actively engaged. as it would be with any worthy endeavor...
I know it won't be my fault ... he will think it is my fault once again. It isn't. I can't tolerate it anymore. He had been going to meetings faithfully, working on step one and seeing his sponsor since returning home. Supposed to do 90 meetings in 90 days ... he has let about three or four slide now ... I hope it isn't a sign of things to come.
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Old 03-09-2014, 07:01 PM
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kdjom---of course he is angry at you. It is misplaced anger, of course. Since he is not ready to reach for recovery in a sincere and focused way---anything that gets between him and his ability to drink is the enemy. Anybody and anything.

There is a terrible battle going on in his head. He will have to fight it, himself.

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Old 03-09-2014, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by kdjom View Post
He had been going to meetings faithfully, working on step one and seeing his sponsor since returning home. Supposed to do 90 meetings in 90 days ... he has let about three or four slide now ... I hope it isn't a sign of things to come.
Wow - I could have written that quote verbatim SO many times in the past two years right before yet another relapse. My estranged AH would always follow the same patterns. He would feel "sick" and have to lay on the couch all day, miss meetings, not call his sponsor, and then get vicious crabby... And I knew it was coming. And come it did... Every time.

I hope, for your kids, he is not the same as mine...
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Old 03-10-2014, 06:32 AM
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He was supposed to go to work this morning for just 4 hours (8-12). This is week two of his gradual return to work plan - just two mornings again this week. I heard him up from about 6:30 wandering around, but he has since gone into 'his' bedroom and closed the door. Apparently he isn't going today ... of course this will be a result of the bomb that I have dropped on him and he won't be able to handle it. In reality his old shift is working and he is having himself a pity party and can't face anyone right now ... all of this only makes me angrier.

Now I start to worry about the mental health side of things and if he is sliding there too ... I have never worried about him ever being a danger to us, but being a cop's wife and daughter you are always inclined to think the worst ... so now I know I'll go hyper-vigilant and always be on alert, even if there is no reason to be ...

Guess we'll see what the day brings when he finally wakes up ....
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