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What should i respond with here...? I have had a busy couple of weeks, my XABF moved out...I am enjoying it, I feel good. My house feels lighter somehow.. It sounds crazy, but I feel so positive. My ex has moved in with his parents and has been partying and really enjoying himself. Me, I'm flat out, cleaning my house, uni work and working...not to mention spending a lot of quality time with my son :-) like I said, I'm happy. He has called twice. Once because he was horny and wanted something...but pushing to know why I haven't called him. The second one was a couple of hours ago. The phone call basically was him telling me how much happier he is without me, he loves living where he is, he hasn't even needed to take his antidepressants since he left. He's so much happier, something has shifted. Blah blah blah. I told him I was happy for him, but that I didn't want to talk to him about that, as it's hard for me to hear how miserable I made him.... Anyway we hung up and I got this message... From: XABF You know what. I'm really sorry too, that you feel that way. It was only ever the expectations you put on me to be your mister right. That is sad really that you could never accept me for me and push and push till I be someone who I never wanted to be. Emotional blackmale will also not work on me either. Also add the fact that if you really cared and didn't want to play mind games you would have rung based on what you felt and bot what you say about how I would feel. If you had of rung me and I was upsetbit would have been my problem and you could have left that conversation knowing you at least tried to do the right thing. You play the I won't ring him because he will get upset is only showing that you are not strong in who you are not an issue with me... Please don't play these games with me. It will not help the friendship that we still have.... 2014/03/06 07:31:28PM I disagree with everything in this message. None of it is true. I just don't know what to say. I haven't responded, but I am upset and deeply hurt by that crap. Actually, one part is true, I didn't call him...I'm trying to heal myself..this game playing hurts so much...I don't have any energy left for it... Does anyone have any advice? |
Plain and simple quacking. Offense is the best defense for an alcoholic. He's playing mind games to tear you down and so he can be right. Don't get sucked into this. You didn't cause any of it and there's no use in arguing with a drunk or a dry drunk. How to respond? Don't. Block his calls and messages and get back to enjoying your life again. I have a hard enough time trying to enjoy tiny rare bits of time with my husband who's 80 days sober. He's still trying to get his footing in a world he's not used to and each week it seems his brain is leveling out a little bit more -- very slowly. There are still moments where I wish I could have a few months on my own and not have to deal with the alkie-brain thinking anymore. I wouldn't recommend trying to stay friends with a former boyfriend who's still drinking and denying there's a problem. No matter what you do, put your son and yourself first and figure out what's best for you. If your X ever chooses recovery, then perhaps a couple years into that you might think about keeping in touch. Chances are you'll both be completely different people in a couple years, whether he's drinking or not. Keep working your own recovery one day at a time. Even though the relationship is over, you can still go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Congrats on the progress you've been making and the happiness you're learning to find. I hope you're able to put things in perspective soon. (((hugs))) |
yes...delete it and get back to being positive. Just because he says it doesn't make it true and you know the truth. His message is just more proof to you that you have done the right thing. |
I haven't responded at all...I wanted to to defend myself, but there is no point. I'm in counselling now and I feel great, it was funny, in my last session, I couldn't get upset about XABF even when I tried to think about it. I feel very detached from the situation..that is until toniGHt..but that's ok. I was waiting for a slip up.. :-) |
Interesting that everything he says in the text is about 'you'. When any of us are pointing the finger in this way, it's overlooked that we have four fingers pointing right back at ourselves. He owns nothing about his own behaviour, and all that would happen in your response is to get back in the ring with debating it this way, that way...no wonder you are tired! Been there, done that... So, advice would be to ignore this message, and ignore any future contact of any kind. Far better to focus on you right now, save your energy for being good to yourself. If you need to do some exploration about how this relationship arose in the first place, now is great time to do it - being hurt leaves us open to really take a good look at why you or I would chose and be in a relationship like this. It helps to talk about that, really it does. It sounds like you have been through enough hurt, and it makes very little sense to expect the person who hurt you to be the one who resolves that hurt for you. That won't happen through contact with him, but it has a really good chance of happening without it! Wish you well |
Broly, so nice to hear from you again and that you're enjoying life. I had a feeling you wouldn't look back once that free-loader was gone. Really that text should be a joke. I can't even work out what's going on in his jumbled brain. He is an alcoholic, his pride is hurt, and he's frantically rationalising everything so it won't be his fault. There is a possibility he felt guilty about bludging on you, and he's busy finding a way to blame you, but who cares what he thinks? He probably got a shock when you suggested he leave. Could he have lost his power over you? I wonder how long his parents will put up with him? In a similar situation I found deleting the text was a huge relief. I hope you can do that too, and go non-contact so he can't mess with your head anymore. You've got a wonderful future ahead - best wishes. |
delete it, move forward. He's full of it and playing emotional blackmail of sorts with you. You deserve better than him. |
Delete and go no contact. What he says makes no sense and he is trolling for a response and trying to shift the blame in his foggy mind. Are you sure you want to be "friends" with this person? Look how much happier you feel now that he's gone. Have you changed your locks, by the way? Do not fail to do that if you haven't. Glad uni is going well and that you are having fun with son :) |
Block his texts. You are doing great. Don't let him pull you back under. The best contact is no contact. That kind of message will just wear you down. You need that precious energy to keep your life momentum - forward ho! The less drag you get from him, the smoother your stroke will be. Keep going! |
Brolyn--I just want to say that I agree with everything that has been said , so far! Yes, It is QUACKING at it's finest. The efforts of a messed-up mind. Don't fall for it. If you want to feel better---go to the thread called "Quackers" and read ---this will put it into good perspective for you.....LOL. (go to the search button on the blue bar at the top of the the main page), dandylion |
He's your "X" right? You don't owe him anything especially letting him live rent free inside your head. Your friend, |
It's BS. Time to say goodbye.......and good riddance. I agree that you should block all forms of communication and change the locks. Sorry you're hurting. :( |
I agree, total BS. He wants you home crying and not functioning because he is gone. That is not happening so he will try to manipulate you into doing just that. Move on and don't look back. God Bless. |
Silence is golden. You're doing awesome! So glad to hear you've got peace in your house. Hugs to you and your son. |
As I see it, this is an attempt in his mind to make you the bad guy so he can absolve himself of wrong doing. Quack quack quack! If you respond you're only stirring up his pot of drama and you can only expect more. Delete, block, and go have a nice day! Hugs! |
When he says "Please don't play these games with me," what he really means "please don't STOP playing games with me" -- because that is clearly all you have actually done! This text is so pathetic. |
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
(Post 4511094)
Really that text should be a joke. I can't even work out what's going on in his jumbled brain. He is an alcoholic, his pride is hurt, and he's frantically rationalising everything so it won't be his fault. |
I reread the text and look what I found. I'm really sorry too, that you feel that way What do I win? :) Your friend, |
Don't respond, don't believe. Move on. |
if you are tired of the games, then STOP PLAYING ALONG. you may disagree with everything he stated in that text, but remember those are only HIS opinions...and however f'd up they may be, he has a right to them. but you don't have any obligation to acknowledge or respond. NONE. so, DELETE, block, and walk. |
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