Husband is Functional Alchoholic
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 1
Husband is Functional Alchoholic
Hi,
I'm new to this board..actually never thought I'd be posting anything like this but I feel like my new husband of less than two years and I are at a cross roads. I work a 9-5 while he works from home. My issue is his drinking. Based on my observation he drinks everyday..to either get a buzz or out of habit..it was always vodka..until I fought him enough that he's killing himself and his body so he switches to wine and goes back and forth. Some day he drinks 1 and is coherent when im home..other days he has to take naps before I get home to sleep it off..his biggest triggers are 'meetings' where he says he goes to meet clients they end up at strip clubs and he drives often under the influence. We are newly married, I want to have children, and I love my husband. ive tried addressing the issue in the past and tell him he needs to seek counseling and the usual response is "I know what I need to do" and he does..stay sober for 3-4 days..and gradually picks up one drink after work, before bed and the cycle continues. im so frustrated..when I call him after work he sometimes doesn't want to tell me where he is, his drinking is the only thing we fight about and I don't know what to do. I sometimes want to walk away but I love him and our life together. How do I approach him to seek help? Is there a better way because everything I've tried doesn't work. Any help would be great. thanks.
I'm new to this board..actually never thought I'd be posting anything like this but I feel like my new husband of less than two years and I are at a cross roads. I work a 9-5 while he works from home. My issue is his drinking. Based on my observation he drinks everyday..to either get a buzz or out of habit..it was always vodka..until I fought him enough that he's killing himself and his body so he switches to wine and goes back and forth. Some day he drinks 1 and is coherent when im home..other days he has to take naps before I get home to sleep it off..his biggest triggers are 'meetings' where he says he goes to meet clients they end up at strip clubs and he drives often under the influence. We are newly married, I want to have children, and I love my husband. ive tried addressing the issue in the past and tell him he needs to seek counseling and the usual response is "I know what I need to do" and he does..stay sober for 3-4 days..and gradually picks up one drink after work, before bed and the cycle continues. im so frustrated..when I call him after work he sometimes doesn't want to tell me where he is, his drinking is the only thing we fight about and I don't know what to do. I sometimes want to walk away but I love him and our life together. How do I approach him to seek help? Is there a better way because everything I've tried doesn't work. Any help would be great. thanks.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
There's nothing you can do to make him seek help. That kind of change has to come from him.
What you can do is work on yourself. Have you tried an Alanon meeting? It can teach you how to make your life manageable whether he is drinking or not. Several members of my group are married to men who sought sobriety after they (the wives) began attending Alanon. Not saying it's a magic formula, but right now all you can do is work on yourself.
Glad to hear you've chosen not to bring children into this. I have a child with my alcoholic ex and it is a very sad and difficult situation.
What you can do is work on yourself. Have you tried an Alanon meeting? It can teach you how to make your life manageable whether he is drinking or not. Several members of my group are married to men who sought sobriety after they (the wives) began attending Alanon. Not saying it's a magic formula, but right now all you can do is work on yourself.
Glad to hear you've chosen not to bring children into this. I have a child with my alcoholic ex and it is a very sad and difficult situation.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Let me share with you parts of one of my early posts here, which is by now about eight years ago:
At that point, he had a great job which he was excelling in; we had a great house in a nice neighborhood; he was respected in our church and community; we were envied by friends for our "great family." Nobody knew what was going on behind the scenes.
Four years after that post, in a drunken rage, he threatened to kill the entire family. I left.
Four years later, he's still drinking, has lost his wife, his children, his friends, his job, and is couch surfing in friends' homes because he was evicted from his apartment.
And you know what? He did that to himself. When I left him, a friend from Al-Anon grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said "You may have just done him the biggest favor anyone will ever do him. You have left him to his own devices. You have given him full responsibility for his own life. You have given him an opportunity to realize what the full consequences of his behavior are."
I know you want to stick it out because that's what you promised when you got married. But alcoholism is a progressive disease, and without treatment (which you can't make him go to), it is not going to get better -- only worse.
"Functional" isn't a kind of alcoholism. It's a stage. Nobody ever picks up their first drink with the goal of becoming a homeless unemployed sad drunk. But that -- or death -- is the ultimate destination if an addict doesn't get help.
What you have to ask yourself is if you're willing to be along for that ride.
I love this man and I want our marriage to survive and flourish. I hate this man and I want out of his life.
I love this man and I wish there was something I could do to save his life. I hate this man and I want him to die.
I know he's an alcoholic and I know that I can't cure him. I think he's different than other alcoholics and maybe I can help him.
I love this man and I wish there was something I could do to save his life. I hate this man and I want him to die.
I know he's an alcoholic and I know that I can't cure him. I think he's different than other alcoholics and maybe I can help him.
Four years after that post, in a drunken rage, he threatened to kill the entire family. I left.
Four years later, he's still drinking, has lost his wife, his children, his friends, his job, and is couch surfing in friends' homes because he was evicted from his apartment.
And you know what? He did that to himself. When I left him, a friend from Al-Anon grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said "You may have just done him the biggest favor anyone will ever do him. You have left him to his own devices. You have given him full responsibility for his own life. You have given him an opportunity to realize what the full consequences of his behavior are."
I know you want to stick it out because that's what you promised when you got married. But alcoholism is a progressive disease, and without treatment (which you can't make him go to), it is not going to get better -- only worse.
"Functional" isn't a kind of alcoholism. It's a stage. Nobody ever picks up their first drink with the goal of becoming a homeless unemployed sad drunk. But that -- or death -- is the ultimate destination if an addict doesn't get help.
What you have to ask yourself is if you're willing to be along for that ride.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and exactly what line of work is he in that business meetings end up at strip clubs? PLEASE tell me you aren't buying THAT load of BS are you? there's been a run of new posters here with alcoholic husbands with porn/strip club issues.......each independently has its own issues, concerns and built in problems.....i'm sorry you are dealing with ANY of this as a newlywed.
sadly, things are often MUCH WORSE than the non-addict spouse is ready or willing to admit....you already know things are bad...but as they say more will be revealed, and it's not usually GOOD news.
right now the best thing you can do is keep reaching out for help for YOU! SR is a good start. please read around and make yourself at home!
sadly, things are often MUCH WORSE than the non-addict spouse is ready or willing to admit....you already know things are bad...but as they say more will be revealed, and it's not usually GOOD news.
right now the best thing you can do is keep reaching out for help for YOU! SR is a good start. please read around and make yourself at home!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I am not sure what you can do... forcing them to change doesn't really seem to be successful. I'd start by figuring out if you can deal with him the way he is. Has he always been like this or did something change recently? Sometimes we see warning signs but choose to ignore them. Al-anon would be helpful. I would echo ladyscribbler above and take the focus off him and onto yourself. Reading "Codependent no More" was very eye opening for me also.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
So sorry you are here. Sounds like he is doing what most alcoholics do when their loved one calls them on their drinking. He is saying what he needs to and backing off and changing JUST ENOUGH TO GET YOU OFF HIS CASE, and then eventually he goes right back to the way he was. Over time you will see this downhill spiral continue, and over time, as he falls back into his habits, you will also begin to notice that not only is he back to his old ways, but he is a little bit wosre. This will be very subtle and maybe not even noticeable unless you compare where he lands with where he was several years prior.
What others have said above is the part about alcoholism I never realised-that it is PROGRESSIVE and that without treatment it doesn't get better, and in fact it doesn't even stay the same. IT GETS WORSE. For many years I would ask myself if I was okay living with things the way they were and desparately wishing/hoping they would get better. What I never even entertained was the idea that things would get worse. Now I understand that is how the disease works-it gets worse.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him change. He has to want recovery for himself and HE is the one that will have to go to meetings/go to treatment and make the hard decision not to drink EVERY DAY for the rest of his life. Sometimes when a person realizes they are losing things that are important to them (i.e. losing their dignity, spouse, job, kids, freedom) they may find themselves motivated to quit, but sometimes it is not. Every person is different.
You can't control his drinking or other behaviors, you can only control your own. Like choosing not to have children with this person. You might try to convince yourself that once he has a child that he will change. His life will be so awesome he won't want to drink anymore, but that is NOT how it works. If you choose to have a child with him, you will still be married to an alcoholic, and then you will also have a child with an alcoholic and your child will be being raised by an alcoholic dad and a codependent mom, which is not a recipe for a successful adulthood.
If HE decides HE wants recovery for HIMSELF, he CAN live a life without drinking, but no matter how much YOU want that for him and for you, it doesn't matter. Only HE can change HIM. And recovery is hard, and a lot of people relapse. And it can also be done, but the common denominator among those who are successful is that want their sobriety MORE THAN ANYTHING and they put it first and they work hard for it EVERY SINGLE DAY. People who quit drinking for someone else who don't really want it themselves NEVER stay quit.
In the meantime, read these boards and find face-to-face support. Being married to someone with a drinking problem can feel shameful and burdonsome but it doesn't have to be that way. Getting support to help you sort through all this is good for you and can be freeing. I wish you the best-
What others have said above is the part about alcoholism I never realised-that it is PROGRESSIVE and that without treatment it doesn't get better, and in fact it doesn't even stay the same. IT GETS WORSE. For many years I would ask myself if I was okay living with things the way they were and desparately wishing/hoping they would get better. What I never even entertained was the idea that things would get worse. Now I understand that is how the disease works-it gets worse.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him change. He has to want recovery for himself and HE is the one that will have to go to meetings/go to treatment and make the hard decision not to drink EVERY DAY for the rest of his life. Sometimes when a person realizes they are losing things that are important to them (i.e. losing their dignity, spouse, job, kids, freedom) they may find themselves motivated to quit, but sometimes it is not. Every person is different.
You can't control his drinking or other behaviors, you can only control your own. Like choosing not to have children with this person. You might try to convince yourself that once he has a child that he will change. His life will be so awesome he won't want to drink anymore, but that is NOT how it works. If you choose to have a child with him, you will still be married to an alcoholic, and then you will also have a child with an alcoholic and your child will be being raised by an alcoholic dad and a codependent mom, which is not a recipe for a successful adulthood.
If HE decides HE wants recovery for HIMSELF, he CAN live a life without drinking, but no matter how much YOU want that for him and for you, it doesn't matter. Only HE can change HIM. And recovery is hard, and a lot of people relapse. And it can also be done, but the common denominator among those who are successful is that want their sobriety MORE THAN ANYTHING and they put it first and they work hard for it EVERY SINGLE DAY. People who quit drinking for someone else who don't really want it themselves NEVER stay quit.
In the meantime, read these boards and find face-to-face support. Being married to someone with a drinking problem can feel shameful and burdonsome but it doesn't have to be that way. Getting support to help you sort through all this is good for you and can be freeing. I wish you the best-
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O my gosh, do not procreate witht his man. There is no business that forces you to go to a strip club. If he is at home drinking I am doubting you know the extent of how much. I am so sorry, please get support for yourself through Alanon or Celebrate Recovery.
I am not trying to sound harsh with you, it is just the reality. Please read the stickies at the top of the forums and inform yourself about this disease.
God Bless.
I am not trying to sound harsh with you, it is just the reality. Please read the stickies at the top of the forums and inform yourself about this disease.
God Bless.
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