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question
When my BF was in rehab we had a conference call and talked about attending couples counseling, which he agreed to. We both do individual therapy and I figured I'd wait to bring it up until he was settled in a bit after rehab. It's been about six weeks since he came home and yesterday was four months of sobriety for him.
He's been going through a lot of adjustments with his job and dealing with life sober. I've been trying really hard to be hands off and it's been going well. Saturday I kind of had a little breakdown and didn't communicate effectively at all. I want to go to couples counseling so I can learn how to communicate better, not just for the sake of our relationship, but how I deal with certain things in general. This is what I told him when he asked me why I want to go so much. Both times that we talked about it he was not hot on the idea.
Anyway, if he doesn't want to go what's the point of "making" him? Maybe he's still overwhelmed right now. I don't know. I don't want to press the point but I also don't want to go back on one of the conditions we set for him to come back and live with me.
Any thoughts?
He's been going through a lot of adjustments with his job and dealing with life sober. I've been trying really hard to be hands off and it's been going well. Saturday I kind of had a little breakdown and didn't communicate effectively at all. I want to go to couples counseling so I can learn how to communicate better, not just for the sake of our relationship, but how I deal with certain things in general. This is what I told him when he asked me why I want to go so much. Both times that we talked about it he was not hot on the idea.
Anyway, if he doesn't want to go what's the point of "making" him? Maybe he's still overwhelmed right now. I don't know. I don't want to press the point but I also don't want to go back on one of the conditions we set for him to come back and live with me.
Any thoughts?
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I was advised not to bother with couples counseling until my STBXAH hit a year of sobriety. Before that, they're still figuring out how to live a sober life. Asking them to also bear the brunt of all your resentment and neediness in couples counseling -- which includes a lot of airing of grievances -- is too much for most recovering addicts.
In the meantime, I spent that time improving my life and figuring out what I want. Turns out I didn't want him to communicate better with me or whatever else we were there for. I wanted someone he wasn't. On the other hand, this is where the seriousness of his disease became apparent.
If you want to learn how to communicate better, do so in solo counseling. If he's not able or not willing to meet the conditions of living with you, that's something you need to consider realistically when it comes to deciding who you live with.
In the meantime, I spent that time improving my life and figuring out what I want. Turns out I didn't want him to communicate better with me or whatever else we were there for. I wanted someone he wasn't. On the other hand, this is where the seriousness of his disease became apparent.
If you want to learn how to communicate better, do so in solo counseling. If he's not able or not willing to meet the conditions of living with you, that's something you need to consider realistically when it comes to deciding who you live with.
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Well, I cannot wait to get into couples counseling and for the same reason as you - communication issues.
Maybe ask him why he doesn't want to go? I agree that forcing him to go isn't going to be helpful. Maybe he feels like his plate is full at the moment and he can't handle more therapy.
Maybe ask him why he doesn't want to go? I agree that forcing him to go isn't going to be helpful. Maybe he feels like his plate is full at the moment and he can't handle more therapy.
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Have thought about doing some DBT type stuff.
Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Not so much as couples therapy, but more for as me -- for interacting better with Mrs. Hammer in her non-sedated state.
Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Not so much as couples therapy, but more for as me -- for interacting better with Mrs. Hammer in her non-sedated state.
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I want to go to couples counseling so I can learn how to communicate better, not just for the sake of our relationship, but how I deal with certain things in general. This is what I told him when he asked me why I want to go so much.
I agree 100% with everything Florence. And just want to add that this ^^^sounds like a YoU thing not a couple thing. I forget if you are both or either of you are working a program, but if so that should be a good start at this point. progress not perfection
I agree 100% with everything Florence. And just want to add that this ^^^sounds like a YoU thing not a couple thing. I forget if you are both or either of you are working a program, but if so that should be a good start at this point. progress not perfection
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
Any thoughts?
Not even three months yet, right? Or just about?
Is he even done with his 90 in 90?
Really, just work on you for now.
jmho -- do not even try that stuff together for a year.
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So my counselor's office has been advertising a couple's program using books by the Gottmans. I have not read these books or been to this program but I wondered about it. I sort of decided not to push the couple's program bc we have so much more going on in early recovery than just communication issues. I figured we'd start in on each other and just frighten everyone else there. Heck we scare ourselves.
So 4 months out we had 2 couple's sessions and it was totally overwhelming for both of us. Neither one of us reacted well. I went home and literally slept it off I was so emotionally drained and we accomplished nothing. Now he won't go back bc it is so draining. And I did ask him on Monday if he'd like to go solo and believe me did I catch it for asking that.
BUT just yesterday surfing on the internet, this organization is starting a test program for couples in early recovery called CARE. Couples Addiction Recovery Empowerment. It is new, they are testing it and you can find these links and read their initial articles to determine if the traditional waiting for marital counseling or just digging in up front is the best practice for your relationship. Clearly this is the new moneymaker for recovery community, but personally there is a terrible need.
So 4 months out we had 2 couple's sessions and it was totally overwhelming for both of us. Neither one of us reacted well. I went home and literally slept it off I was so emotionally drained and we accomplished nothing. Now he won't go back bc it is so draining. And I did ask him on Monday if he'd like to go solo and believe me did I catch it for asking that.
BUT just yesterday surfing on the internet, this organization is starting a test program for couples in early recovery called CARE. Couples Addiction Recovery Empowerment. It is new, they are testing it and you can find these links and read their initial articles to determine if the traditional waiting for marital counseling or just digging in up front is the best practice for your relationship. Clearly this is the new moneymaker for recovery community, but personally there is a terrible need.
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71
Thanks. We've both got a lot on our plates right now so holding off is probably a good idea.
) You said in your OP that you felt like you were the one who wasn't communicating well so it would be reasonable to suggest that couples counseling won't necessarily help with that part, right? Effective communication starts on an individual level & then moves into the interaction between 2 people. So maybe just focus on your part in every interaction you have in your life (since you can control that part, lol). It may trickle down & make a difference with your interactions with your BF in the meantime, who knows?
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I had the same condition for RAH for coming home...so we started couples counseling when he was about 7 months sober. It has been very helpful, but it has been extremely hard as well. I was completely drained after each of the first two sessions. RAH has felt a bit beat up after a few sessions. As we have started putting in place some of the tools the counselor has given us and aired some things in discussion with the counselor we have seen improvement in our relationship, so worth it overall.
Our counselor really didn't allow for any re-hashing of the past or airing past grievances. Those things were referred for us to work on independently with our own individual counselors. This bothered me a lot at first, but as time went on I understood why, and that is a lot of what is discussed here - you have to deal with your own stuff. We did discuss our individual goals for counseling, what we are happy with in the marriage and what we are unhappy with. The counselor has also helped us identify our own boundaries and made sure the ones that should be clearly communicated are. Work in progress, but happy with it so far.
Our counselor really didn't allow for any re-hashing of the past or airing past grievances. Those things were referred for us to work on independently with our own individual counselors. This bothered me a lot at first, but as time went on I understood why, and that is a lot of what is discussed here - you have to deal with your own stuff. We did discuss our individual goals for counseling, what we are happy with in the marriage and what we are unhappy with. The counselor has also helped us identify our own boundaries and made sure the ones that should be clearly communicated are. Work in progress, but happy with it so far.
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CodeJob's Communication 10 Rules Learned the Hard Way
1. When you get home from individual counseling or other supportive programming do not tell qualifier all about it. Take communication hint from pre-teens. Any inquiry can be answered with "Fine."
2. If by chance you actually get qualifer to counseling, do not laugh and roll eyes at qalifier when their denial is blatant.
3. Close mouth when qualifier tells you he is not an A and only he can decide that he is or not.
4. Do not talk to qualifier before bed.
5. Do not talk to qualifier when you are supposed to be having pleasant time together.
6. Do not talk to qualifier before or after work.
7. Do not talk to qualifier by text or email.
8. If it is the weekend, do not talk to qualifier around offspring's ears.
9. Do not talk to qualifier by writing a letter or note.
10. Do not hit qualifer in arm during church homilies when subject is pertinent.
1. When you get home from individual counseling or other supportive programming do not tell qualifier all about it. Take communication hint from pre-teens. Any inquiry can be answered with "Fine."
2. If by chance you actually get qualifer to counseling, do not laugh and roll eyes at qalifier when their denial is blatant.
3. Close mouth when qualifier tells you he is not an A and only he can decide that he is or not.
4. Do not talk to qualifier before bed.
5. Do not talk to qualifier when you are supposed to be having pleasant time together.
6. Do not talk to qualifier before or after work.
7. Do not talk to qualifier by text or email.
8. If it is the weekend, do not talk to qualifier around offspring's ears.
9. Do not talk to qualifier by writing a letter or note.
10. Do not hit qualifer in arm during church homilies when subject is pertinent.
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I'm feeling really needy and kind of depressed lately. Frustrated. Winter is killing me. I just feel like running away to a deserted island. It honestly doesn't have much to do with my relationship. It's pretty much all me. Ugh.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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We started about 3 months into recovery, but we are both each in our own individual and group therapies, and he was interested in willing in going, and didn't want to wait.
I respectfully disagree that a couple needs to wait a year post recovery for counseling to begin. While I think those in recovery are indeed busy focusing on their recovery process and are advised not to begin a new relationship or make any major changes in the first year, I don't think that has to preclude rebuilding the marriage if both partners are willing. I think it depends on each individual situation and the parties in it.
I agree that it will be more beneficial if he is open and willing to do it. I would suggest you do some of your own work on you for now, and that gives him a bit more time to get focused on his own stuff, he sees you working on you too, and it may open him up further to the idea. You can even present it that way-I know I said couples counseling was a condition of you coming home, and it still is, but you are working hard on your stuff and going to meetings/therapy, and I am going to do the same right now, because I think we will both get more work out of couples if we have each done some work on ourselves already. I hope you are still open to doing couples in the future, because it is important to me.
That allows you to replant the seed, demonstrate a good faith effort on your own part, give him more time to be ready, and still not "let him off the hook".
And FYI-We are only 3 sessions in, but the focus of our work is not so much on communication skills, as it is on rebuilding trust and intimacy. Our therapist also uses Gottman as a basis.
I respectfully disagree that a couple needs to wait a year post recovery for counseling to begin. While I think those in recovery are indeed busy focusing on their recovery process and are advised not to begin a new relationship or make any major changes in the first year, I don't think that has to preclude rebuilding the marriage if both partners are willing. I think it depends on each individual situation and the parties in it.
I agree that it will be more beneficial if he is open and willing to do it. I would suggest you do some of your own work on you for now, and that gives him a bit more time to get focused on his own stuff, he sees you working on you too, and it may open him up further to the idea. You can even present it that way-I know I said couples counseling was a condition of you coming home, and it still is, but you are working hard on your stuff and going to meetings/therapy, and I am going to do the same right now, because I think we will both get more work out of couples if we have each done some work on ourselves already. I hope you are still open to doing couples in the future, because it is important to me.
That allows you to replant the seed, demonstrate a good faith effort on your own part, give him more time to be ready, and still not "let him off the hook".
And FYI-We are only 3 sessions in, but the focus of our work is not so much on communication skills, as it is on rebuilding trust and intimacy. Our therapist also uses Gottman as a basis.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
CodeJob's Communication 10 Rules Learned the Hard Way
1. When you get home from individual counseling or other supportive programming do not tell qualifier all about it. Take communication hint from pre-teens. Any inquiry can be answered with "Fine."
2. If by chance you actually get qualifer to counseling, do not laugh and roll eyes at qalifier when their denial is blatant.
3. Close mouth when qualifier tells you he is not an A and only he can decide that he is or not.
4. Do not talk to qualifier before bed.
5. Do not talk to qualifier when you are supposed to be having pleasant time together.
6. Do not talk to qualifier before or after work.
7. Do not talk to qualifier by text or email.
8. If it is the weekend, do not talk to qualifier around offspring's ears.
9. Do not talk to qualifier by writing a letter or note.
10. Do not hit qualifer in arm during church homilies when subject is pertinent.
1. When you get home from individual counseling or other supportive programming do not tell qualifier all about it. Take communication hint from pre-teens. Any inquiry can be answered with "Fine."
2. If by chance you actually get qualifer to counseling, do not laugh and roll eyes at qalifier when their denial is blatant.
3. Close mouth when qualifier tells you he is not an A and only he can decide that he is or not.
4. Do not talk to qualifier before bed.
5. Do not talk to qualifier when you are supposed to be having pleasant time together.
6. Do not talk to qualifier before or after work.
7. Do not talk to qualifier by text or email.
8. If it is the weekend, do not talk to qualifier around offspring's ears.
9. Do not talk to qualifier by writing a letter or note.
10. Do not hit qualifer in arm during church homilies when subject is pertinent.
Hammer adder:
11. When "helpful" In-laws "suggest" that YOU need to "work on communication" with qualifier, ask the In-law how that is working for THEM. (Gets real quiet then).
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I'm feeling really needy and kind of depressed lately. Frustrated. Winter is killing me. I just feel like running away to a deserted island. It honestly doesn't have much to do with my relationship. It's pretty much all me. Ugh.
I hear ya!!! I started back on a diet and exercise routine and just got back from an hour snowshoeing with a friend...winter blues go bye bye! Not to soon to think about bathingsuit season!
I hear ya!!! I started back on a diet and exercise routine and just got back from an hour snowshoeing with a friend...winter blues go bye bye! Not to soon to think about bathingsuit season!
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71
I'm feeling really needy and kind of depressed lately. Frustrated. Winter is killing me. I just feel like running away to a deserted island. It honestly doesn't have much to do with my relationship. It's pretty much all me. Ugh.
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I take 10,000-20,000 IU of Vitamin D every day. It has helped, but this time of year is always difficult for me no matter what I do. I also drink Emergen-c daily, which has some B vitamins in it. At least it keeps me from getting sick! In addition I take a multivitamin and fish oil.
It's not only the weather and lack of light. I am feeling stressed and kinda anxious about all the changes that are happening in my life. I know it's normal, it's just annoying. lol
It's not only the weather and lack of light. I am feeling stressed and kinda anxious about all the changes that are happening in my life. I know it's normal, it's just annoying. lol
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Me too my friend....lets go LOL! You are in my thoughts today, hoping you have a happy day! 
Originally Posted by readerbaby71
I'm feeling really needy and kind of depressed lately. Frustrated. Winter is killing me. I just feel like running away to a deserted island. It honestly doesn't have much to do with my relationship. It's pretty much all me. Ugh.
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