TexasAngel8

I've done this before with my ex husband. Now I just have to start wrapping my brain around it again and applying it to my current situation.

He is an alcoholic -- highly functional or not, he is an alcoholic. He may make a great living, own a beautiful home, care about me and want to take care of us, and do a great job at work, but he IS an alcoholic.

We've been testing the waters on living together, and I've been taking it personally that he picks going out with his friends 90% more often than being with me. I've been trying so hard to be the best, most understanding girlfriend and getting hurt when he chooses them. It's not personal -- he's doing what alcoholics do. It's not because I'm not fun enough or because I quit drinking myself -- he's doing what alcoholics do. It's not because he needs lots of guy time, and if I could just be more understanding... -- he's doing what alcoholics do. It's not that his friends are just flat amazing and inspirational people to be around. While I agree they are fun and funny, they are alcoholics too. It's not personal -- he's doing what alcoholics do.

The living together test has been a little challenging. He's not a dog person, and I have one. Granted my dog is not perfect, and I can understand a non-dog person having a hard time adjusting. Normal people in normal situations work on this with their partner. They consider ways to make it less of an infringement. They look at options. They don't, however, leave their girlfriend home night after night "because of the dog." This is an excuse to go drink. He may hate the dog, but this is still an excuse and is not all my fault for having the dog there.

He loves me, I know he does, and I love him. This however does not change the facts I've stated.

Just had to get that out of my head.

Ofelie

Firstly, I am a dog lover, I have a whole bunch of them. I would rather have a dog than a man at this point after what I have been through. Silly as it seems to say it, your dog is part of your life, part of who you are, your character. If he is unhappy with the existence of the dog in your life, maybe he isn't the one for you. I know, you should not base the life or death of a relationship on a pet, I know. But, its like anything else in your relationship, its part of your commonality with your partner, isn't it, animal lovers, dog people hang with dog people, or people who ballroom dance have things in common with other ballroom dancers? I, too, had this thrown in my face, him saying he could not "deal" with the dogs' barking, the dog "licking herself" in his ear, as he put it (dogs do tend to lick themselves, sheesh, and omg get the f over it, its not like an air raid siren). That whole thing was more about him being unable to control his anxieties, etc. Is he going to "make" you get rid of the dog if he moves in? How is that fair to you or your dog, and why would someone who loves you make you choose (then we get into you forcing yourself into the mold of the girlfriend he expects or wants you to be, and you should just get to be you)...ok enough of that rant, sorry, its a pet peeve of mine when they use the dog as an excuse.
Having said all that...what struck me most about your post was that you are "trying so hard to be the best, most understanding girlfriend and getting hurt". You seem very apologetic for wanting your man to spend time with YOU. In a romantic relationship, the two people tend to enjoy being together, spending time together, this is why it is called a relationship. If he would rather be elsewhere doing things that you are not interested in doing, what is there to the relationship, other than you perpetuating it by "trying" to accept his crappy, uncaring, selfish behavior? I don't care how well off he is or how great his home is, or how hot he is, etc, it seems his behavior is hurting you, is unacceptable to you. Right now, its something that makes you sad. I recently learned that I have CHOICES in my life, every aspect of it, something that somehow got lost or stompled upon so much that I never even considered the fact that I didn't have to STAY WITH HIM if his behavior regarding our relationship was not acceptable to me, if it wasn't what I wanted in a fiance. I didn't realize that I could just let go and move on if there were things about him that I could not accept. I kept thinking that my love for him was ENOUGH, that it would mysteriously conquer all of the issues that kept rearing up, but it just never happened, because derrr, love wasn't some magic elixir that would cure his addiction and mental illness. You don't have to accept his drinking, or his constant nights with his friends (though he should be able to have time for just him in the relationship, that is normal). I guess what I am trying to say in my rambling here is that it appears there are some massive issues going on, and I believe they are only going to grow if you guys move in together. Love simply isn't enough, when it comes to a relationship. Love isn't anywhere nearly enough when it comes to a relationship with an alcoholic. If you take all the hard work of a typical relationship, let's say a marriage, You have compromise, consideration, common interests, independence...meaning room to be your own you, common goals for your joint future, etc. All of that is hard work figuring it out TOGETHER, working on it TOGETHER when you are both fully invested and healthy, but when you add in alcoholism to a relationship that sounds, for lack of a better word, pretty ONE SIDED on your part because he is out acting like a frat boy at night, it doesn't bode well. So...in my personal opinion, which may or may not be worth a damn thing, given that I am stuck in a cycle of despair over my own alcoholic ex, my advice to you is stop apologizing for having needs in a relationship. Let go of him (watch Hammer's vid about Letting People Go) and find someone who cherishes you, who gets lost in you, who can't wait to get off work so they can see you, who spends lots of time dreaming up places they can take you, etc. And as cheesy as it may be, my theme for the day is that Kenny Roger's song.... You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.

AnvilheadII

so are you talking about your alcoholic ex husband?
or is this a new alcoholic?
pattern maybe?

FlippedRHalo

Here's the thing - your dog is faithful, loving, and loyal and that will never change. Your dog doesn't have to be begged to make you a priority in his/her life, you just are. Your dog will be there to comfort you when the chips fall. Your dog will never choose alcohol over you. When your ABF gets out of control and you have to end the relationship, guess who's going to be there for you? Yup, your dog.

Pick the dog!!

hopeful4

Amen!!!!

Refiner

Him not being a dog person would be the first deal breaker for me. Being an alkie on top of that? No thanks, I'll pass. He sounds like a barrel of fun...

m1k3

The deal breaker is "he's an alcoholic". You've been down this road before. You learned it was a really bad idea. Why in the name of god would you want to do it again?

The only thing you KNOW is that he loves booze. Cut your loses and run away.

Your friend,

dandylion

TexasAngel---if you truly want a partner that is gong to show by his actions that he respects and cares for you......you will have to stop hitching your wagon to alcoholics!!

There are millions of wonderful men who are NOT alcoholics.

Perhaps spend some time finding out why you are so attracted to alcoholics and why your self-esteem is so low that you would try to live on crumbs?

dandylion

TexasAngel8

I'm hoping the extent of my attraction to alcoholics is due to the fact that I too was a drinker. I quit about 7 months ago while the getting was still good. It was starting to cause problems for me -- not legal or work or anything, but it had become an ongoing daily issue that I dreaded -- so I stopped. However, I know I have a compliant and pleasing personality style, and that might create an attraction to people who take advantage of that. I'm truly not sure because my only two relationships of the past 11 years fall under the drinking umbrella. I hope it's all as simple as me not drinking leads to better relationships, but I am just not sure. I'm hoping the good ol' head doc will help me sort through that.

I took my dog back to my house yesterday with plans to visit twice a day. My game plan was to see how a week would play out dogless. It sounds awful, but it's no worse than when I go on vacation for a week. The theory was that if nothing changed with the guy, I would feel stronger in what decision to make. I'm realizing now that it's pretty silly. I identified it as an excuse earlier today, so why on earth would it get better without the dog? I identified him as an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do, so a disappearing dog won't change that.

For some odd reason, I'm needing to prove to myself that things are not the way they should be.

TexasAngel8

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but he's not like my ex-husband. My ex and I lived in Jerry Springer land. We lived in 5 DWI, passed out in the street, pee soaked couch, insanity. It was an awful time. I mean he did that, not me. I liked to drink then for sure, which probably lead me to a drinker, but I wouldn't say it was problematic for me at that point.

dandylion

TexasAngel8---I suspect that you already k now that things are not the way they should be. I suspect that some "codependency issue" within you is in conflict with that. An issue of your self-esteem.

I say: Trust what you already know (deep inside). Learn to trust yourself.


dandylion

LoveMeNow

When it comes to addiction......I find this word is to be so applicable.

YET!!