MissFixit

Your exah is a very sick man. He is selfish and mentally ill. You see that, right?

It is not normal or healthy to tell someone that you wish she killed herself. He is unhappy with how things are evolving in his life and blaming you...because you keep putting yourself in front of him to take the abuse. If you remove yourself from his line of fire, he cannot abuse you.

I too kept taking what my ex said at face value and kept thinking that he saw something wrong with me and I took that to heart. I was giving my ex power over me because I lacked self esteem. I needed to work on my self esteem and build myself up internally, so that I didn't need validation from others (including ex). People say tons of things that aren't true. Many say things just to hurt others. It sucks, but if you have confidence in yourself, you will gve others harsh words less influence over your well being.

ladyscribbler

So she will get his fat juicy pension, his massive salary (he is a functioning alcoholic )

The high functioning part does not last forever. If he has someone helping feed his denial and addiction, the downward spiral will continue hard and fast. You may be very surprised at where things end up.
As for what's happening right now, Lillamy is right- you and your kids deserve much better. That's where your focus will be the most helpful, not worrying about what might happen several months or years down the road.
What steps can you take right now to help yourself? To heal yourself? To start giving you and your children the life you deserve?
If you haven't consulted a lawyer, this would be a good time to do it. A man is not allowed to simply abandon his family and not do anything to provide for them. Don't take his word for anything, get it in writing and make things legal and official. Protect yourself and your children.
Take care and keep posting.

redatlanta

So you have been in Al Anon and around the block with this a bit - you get (or should by now) that an A loves booze more than ANYTHING, and will protect it, fight for it, live for it.

He just played you, and more than likely had you acquiessed would have moved back home. Home is safer for his addiction. You found out, he was busted, so he says he loves her - uh huh. Anyways as the old saying goes 'more will be revealed"…..and thank goodness it was to you.

His best friend ratted him out, my God - there is no telling what he is really up to beyond what you know. You caught a lucky break. You will see that soon enough.

Lifeishard

Hi all went to therapy today and cried for the entire whole hour. Last night the ex phoned again demanding the kids passports and rubbed in my face how he is taking our kids, his new gf and her child on holiday. And to top it off he is taking them to Vietnam..... That's where we were going this year! I finding it so hard to find compassion for his disease when he is arrogant, cocky, rubs my nose in his fantastic happy relationship despite my tears. I told him I loved him last night and I always will . I told him I have it my all. He laughed at me again and said you need to get your money back from the therapist and I do not love you..... Go find your own life! No remorse absolutely none. No one has ever tried to support him, be there for him like I did. I worked in high paid job, cooked, cleaned, bought him his golf gear, clothes, did everything. The kids came bAck from his hungry as him and her were too busy necking beers all weekend and she didn't cook for him. If I never cooked I would get a mouthful.

Argh!!!! How can he give up a loving family for an alcoholic ex hooker who receives state support (benefits). Why does it torment me that he presents as happy when reality is they are both alcoholics who are feeding off each other with the likelihood that the drinking will increase. Why isn't he emotionally abiding her like he did with me... Is it because she allows him to drink?

My therapist has said I need a lot of work and it may take me a long time to get through this. How is it right that I face years of therapy, I am broken yet he has a new gf to love him. I am lonely and he has destroyed my belief in fairness in life. My life is just terrible. I am so upset. I hate him and I love him.

iwanthappiness

You answered your own question.

YES, YES, YES! It's because she allows him to continue having a relationship with his only true love right now which is the bottle. You got in the way. That's all it is. Simple as that. You deserve more.

LifeRecovery

Lifeishard-

There is a great book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson (I think) that helped me a lot when I was in a similar situation. It helped me to see what was going on with me, and to understand why I was feeling, what I was feeling.

I finally started to deal with the alcohol problem my husband had when he had an affair. For me the alcohol was much harder to deal with, though the affair hurt pretty bad also.

It takes time, but you can get and feel better. It took time but I am grateful I can feel better, I am not so sure my ex can (which is part of why he continues to drink).

Also do you realize there are support for affairs similar to this group for alcohol? Surviving Infidelity website has helped me significantly over the years.

Eventually I came to realize that my husband had been having an affair for years with his alcohol prior to having an affair with another woman.....and for me I have finally realized when I am ready for another relationship it will be with someone more capable of being fully present.

Sending kind and healing thoughts your way.

Hammer

A wise suggestion around here from time-to-time -- Let go or be dragged.

The T is good with you going to Alanon, as well?

Asking because THAT combination gives a very solid "team" approach for you.

I know it is hard to see this yet . . . but Big Picture -- YOU are going to come out Fine.

The A . . . not so much.

I mean, do the math. You are a Go To Work, Raise The Kids, Get and Keep Your Ducks in a Row sort of person. Lining that up with The-A-Outta-Your-Life + Therapy + Alanon . . . all you need to do is add a Sponsor and Really Do the Steps part . . . and YOU are positioned to be the fastest runner on this track. Go, Girl, Go.

If you need to do the look-ahead, your now X (You are SO Lucky -- X) A . . . stays drunk to drunker. loses that job, the ho cleans him out, and in a few years will likely be trying to bum money from you. To which you are just going to advise to try Rehab at The Salvation Army.

No rush, but the quicker you put him in your rear view mirror the happier you will be. Get on the trail to happy, better, places as soon as you are ready. The road is ready when you are.

MissFixit

Something I see you struggling with and I struggled with it too, is that you are seeking justice or some semblance of fairness. There is none of that here. Life is continually unfair and it is up to us on how we choose to handle that. We can dwell on the inequities or we can choose to find the positive and seek to improve ourselves...for ourselves and in your case, your kids.

Your ah (or is he your exah that you were dating again) is lost in the bottle right now. he has found bottom feeding enablers to support his drinking lifestyle. No, it is not healthy and a sane person would not make those choices, but the thing is that he is NOT healthy, nor is he sane. He is sick. Most people in his condition do not get better, that is just the statistics of it. Will he get better with her, will he not? I am willing to bet that he does not get better with her. She doesn't lift him up, she stays down in the trenches with him. You do NOT want to be down there.

So what if they go on trips. Can you plan something fun to do with your kids? If you are divorced and he pays child support, can you use some of that to take them to the beach or someplace fun and relaxing?

fedup3

Lifeishard, when I was going through decision time about leaving my husband my adult daughter made a very good point to me. She asked if she was the one in my situation what advise would I be giving her? Well, that opened my eyes, all I could say was run as fast as you could because you deserve so much better. I deserved so much better, and so do you! If you have a daughter what advise would you give her?

hopeful4

You really need to only speak to him about the kids only. Stop telling him you love him, etc, etc. He is obviously just wanting you to hurt more at this point. It is not that he wanted to abandon you, he wants someone who will put up with his lifestyle, most likely drinking heavily together among other things.

An addicts first love is their addiction. That never changes unless THEY choose recovery. You cannot choose it for him. What you said reminds me of the Stepford Wives. You were trying to be the perfect little wifey but he is not the perfect husband, never was, and never will be to you or anyone else.

I am sorry. I am not trying to be harsh. It just seems you need to open your eyes that you miss the person he once was and need to face he is not that person anymore and never will be again.

You need to be kind to yourself and do some things for you. Find what makes you happy in life besides this idea of him, which is really just making you miserable.

Tight Hugs, it is hard but you can do this.

Lifeishard

Hi divorce lawyer already consulted and papers about to be served. I go to al-anon, therapy and have purchased a book by melodie Beatty on co-dependence. Yes I am co-dependent. Alcohol will always win I know that. I just keep focussing on the first year of our relationship. He cut down beer then so why couldn't he at least try now that we have 2 kids together. He knew I had an issue with his drink when I met him so why did he cut down then but he has not tried to stop now. He would rather give up his family then try. I only asked him to try. Instead of trying he takes off with one if the lowest women on the planet who he thinks is the best thing ever.

I am doing all I can to heal. It's just not happening. For 9 months I have cried but now it's worse since I found out the low standard woman he chose over me. I feel terribly worthless. My god you should see her... And am ex hooker who stinks of booze at lunchtimes, who lives off state support and my ex. I would understand him choosing a quality woman with something about her but this is an insult. And because she is that bad I question my self worth and feel I must have been a terrible horrible person for him to chose that low. Her being an alcoholic, ugly and on welfare just makes me feel worse and this has battered my self esteem.

I am thinking on increasing counselling to twice per week. Work have just agreed for me to work from home for as long as I need 5 days instead of 2 as I can't face anyone.

I am trying so hard but the abuse was that bad that my counsellor feels it is going to take me possibly years to recover . I can't shake what he did to me. I am not like some people who can pick up the pieces be strong and forget it all and move on. I am not able to. No matter how hard I try grief overwhelms me and sheer bitterness about him 'being happy' with her. Now considering hypnotherapy anything as when I say I am not making progress towards healing I mean it as I can't shake what he has done. So he mocks me, has no remorse, tells me to get my own life, he appears happy whilst he has emotionally destroyed me. Life is very unfair and I am sorry but I cannot be compassionate towards his disease as he is so evil and yet he is happy despite ruining my life.

Sorry all..... I am crying my eyes out here on the bed after coming home to cry in privacy before I get my children.

MissFixit

Has your therapist prescribed anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds? Sounds like you might need them. I took them for about a year and they helped greatly.

Focusing on the other woman and tearing her down does you NO good. You sound obsessed with both of them. I understand your pain well. You will not move forward until you begin to live a life without focusing on them. They are together like it or not. You will drive yourself crazy and make matters worse if you do not stop yourself from thinking about them. You need to find substitutions to think about. What about things you enjoy? Trips you want to take? Exercise?

hopeful4

Have you ever thought about being a self fulfilling prophecy? You have decided you cannot move on from this. You have given up. You can pick up the pieces and move on. You can do this, but it is a choice. Your children need you. You are lucky you have a job that understands, however, for myself, coming to work helps me. I love my coworkers and I am very open and honest with them and they give me great support. I laugh alot with them. I look forward to spending time w/them. Are you really doing yourself a favor by isolating yourself after nine months? Sometimes you have to FORCE yourself to move on. I do agree therapy twice a week would be good, and I also agree you should be on some sort of medication as it sounds as though you are clinically depressed, not making a diagnosis here or anything of the sort, just what it sounds to me.

He abused you. He is a drunk. His xwife is divorced from him due to the same reasons. He is not some gem to hold on to. He is a drunken abuser. See it for what it is. Again, he has chosen her because she condones and participates in his lifestyle. That won't last, and he will move on to another. The point is, those are his actions, his choices. You CAN control how you react. By your being pitiful he is only seeing how much control he has over you. Is this what you want to show your children?

I am not trying to be harsh with you. I simply think you need to move on with your life and by your own actions you are stuck in a place that you are not moving forward at all.

You can do this, you are stronger than you think, guarantee it.

choublak

Of course it was his idea.

Desperate enough to fuel his ego by worshipping him like he's her own personal god. It wouldn't surprise me if she does this with other men besides him.

AnvilheadII

Last night the ex phoned again demanding the kids passports and rubbed in my face how he is taking our kids, his new gf and her child on holiday. And to top it off he is taking them to Vietnam..

oh HELL no. i'd get thee off to an attorney like today and start putting things in place quickly to protect your children. and i think i'd not be able to find those passports....and who is he to be telling YOU what to do anyway? this is NOT the time to passive and do nothing....this is the time to be proactive.

hopeful4

This was my thought too!

iamthird

Your story sounds so similar to mine. It really stirs up such emotion for me when I read it. I could seriously written so much of the same just changing some minor details. I have stood exactly where you are and been in such agony while fighting Stage 4 head/neck cancer!

I have said those same things...me and children are not worth it, he chose to "downgrade" and expose himself and new gf to our children almost immediately, wanted to date while separated, if only he would just try,etc...

I go back to the title of your post. He did NOT choose alcohol and another woman, he just chose alcohol.

My separated AH actually broke it down for me and I understand the A mind a little more since he told me this...he has the awareness of doing what it would take to find recovery but he is simply not willing to because he said it is too painful. He said I need to stop romanticizing his relationship with current "enabler/gf" because if he was strong enough to face reality, he'd be in recovery and home with his wife and kids. He said she serves the purpose for now and when she stops, it will be someone else. He says when he lays head to pillow at night we (his wife and kids) are what he thinks of and the first thing he thinks of when he opens his eyes, but he knows he is not well and tries to protect us even if it is just by staying away from us.

Please dont make it about the other gf like I did for so long and I wasted so much time focused on them. Rise up, choose yourself and your children when you arent strong enough for yourself. I do not want my son to treat women like this and I do not want my daughter to accept treatment like this. You have to dig deep, post on here, make friends, reach out...you can do it!! It literally took me almost dying with cancer to stop focusing on separated AH and what he is doing and focus on myself. Looking back now I get so angry at myself for being so controlled by his choices. That is life though honey, you have to learn from your mistakes, keep going and care for your babies because they need you!

LightInside

Hi, Life is Hard.

I just came across your thread yesterday and wrote a big response and then my phone lost it all.

The main thing I wanted to say is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This crap happens. It SUCKS. It is SO HARD.

But YOU CAN DO THIS. You are going to be grieving for a long time, yes. It might takes years to truly recover, yes. Please ask your therapist if he thinks you are going to take more than 2 months to feel little. better. Please ask if he thinks you will take longer than a year to feel a lot better than you feel about yourself right now. If he says, "Yes," you might want to find a new therapist.

I can totally relate to you, as my XA/child's father was the one to leave our relationship and blame its demise on anything but his disease. I can very much relate to your feelings of low self worth. This is temporary. You are going to be okay. You just have to BELIEVE it, ok? You are doing good things for yourself. If you listen to the people who have worked the Al Anon program for awhile, you will hear that many people suffered from that low self worth and now they feel great. They are taking career of themselves again. We can get there too.

I can really relate to your feeling of regret that you didn't start to use Al Anon tools/detachment until it was "too late" in your relationship. I have felt that same way. The thing is that we can't see the future and we don't know what kind of better lives await us. Our Higher Powers do know what the plan is. I believe that there is opportunity in our situations. We just don't see it yet.

I am going to add to this, but I want to post now before my phone loses it.

LightInside

Your X is not the man you thought he was. That is SO hard to accept, because you know what he was capable of in the beginning. The thing that is so mean about this disease is that you lose the person long before their body dies. I sometimes find relief in thinking of alcoholism as a parasite that attacks the brain (It likes to commandeer the emotional and moral parts of the brain). The other way I think of it is that someone has murdered the man I thought my ex was, but that evil person possessed his body. For some reason this helps me. The important part here is that you honor that grief, not just of that person that you lost, but also of your dreams that are dashed. You now have the tasks of grieving what is lost, building yourself back up again, and coming to terms with being a single mother and what that means in your life.

I am not a doctor, but I know for me that antidepressants have helped me get through the roughest parts of dealing with this rejection in the aftermath of being mentally and emotionally abused. I had feelings and thoughts about hurting myself and I am so glad I toughed it out through those thoughts and feelings.

LightInside

I would like to echo the others who suggest that you have no contact with your ex. That is a form of healthy detachment. It is just too easy for him to hurt you right now. Please protect yourself . It might help to communicate only what is necessary regarding the children.
If you feel like you want to tell him that you love and miss him, write a letter that you don't send. You can write to the new woman too and tell her what you think of her if it helps.

Something an Al Anon friend suggested to me the other day is to set aside time to wallow each day, use that time, and then move on to your responsibilities and positive stuff.

It is common to experience grief in a cycle, so be prepared to feel better, then worse again, then better, then worse. If your TREND is that you are feeling better, then you are on the right track.

Big hugs to you. Also, there is someone else who has posted recently here on SR who is going through a similar experience. I will send the two of you messages so that you can be connected.