Flavia2

I don't know what to do. My husband stopped drinking (I thought; haven't seen him drunk, he's been coming home, etc. but I have had doubts while he was traveling on business) and we were trying to work through issues of porn/strip clubs. Which he said would not continue and I found out he went after the time he said he wasn't going to drink or go to those clubs anymore! I find it impossible to believe that he went to one of those clubs and wasn't drinking And he is mad at me now. For calling him out on his crap? I'm not sure if his sobriety is an illusion. The strip clubs were also a clear boundary for me; he said he would stop!

honeypig

Flavia, I would suggest that you take whatever action you had originally planned to take if this boundary was violated. Remember that boundaries are about YOU and the action YOU will take if they are crossed; they are not rules for HIM to follow.

It sucks that you find yourself in this situation, but he is clearly showing you that he's not changing his behavior, regardless of what his words say. Following thru on whatever action you had planned to take if the boundary was crossed is absolutely essential. Otherwise, you're only sending the message that you don't really mean what you say.

Chelsea1029

Honey pig I like how you worded this as a boundary for her not a rule for him...I really need to remember that myself. I agree with her Flavia2 and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

FeelingGreat

Hi Flavia, what did you have in mind if you found out he was drinking again, and going to strip clubs? Is that a deal breaker for you, or are you willing to keep working with him?
One big red flag is that you 'found out', meaning he didn't tell you which implies that he's agreeing to what you want without intending to change. Now you've found out, he's annoyed.
Given that he's willing to lie, where does that leave your marriage?

AnvilheadII

you stated that drinking AND strip clubs were dealbreakers. he SAID he would stop and did NOT. ball is in your court.

IMHO, married or otherwise involved men have NO business frequenting strip clubs...

I notice you said WE were working thru the porn and strip club issues. there is nothing there for YOU to work on!

hopeful4

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Flavia2

Thanks, everyone for the common sense advice. Clearly I need to get myself back to ALANON. This has been really difficult for me- I was doing much better after he left; now I find myself being sucked into the vortex once again.

CodeJob

I hear the 'cool' thing to do is for couples to go to strip clubs together. Now that is working on the problem together Flavia!

In all seriousness, I am sorry his behavior has not changed. Addicts really have a way of killing hope and then blaming the last one standing beside them.

KateL

My ex went to a brothel and that marked the end for me. xxxx

Spinner-007

Porn is yet another addiction, and every strip club I've ever gone to had alcohol really close and readily available.

Those places conveniently serve both addictions, a one-stop-shop.

If he caves to the porn addiction, its extremely unlikely he has the fortitude and termination to say no to the booze there.