pilotswife

Hello, happy to find these forums, and hoping to make some friends and learn from my mistakes. I am married to an alcoholic. He is an airline pilot and actually went to rehab in Nov 2012 after he a long battle with alcohol. He had a couple of small relapses but was doing so well. Our relationship was more stable than it had ever been. However in the last few months his attitude has changed, and is nearly identical to how things were before he went to rehab. He has become verbally/emotionally abusive, everything is my fault, accusing me of affairs, sleeping all day when he is home from his trips and I am at work and he is supposed to be caring for our youngest. He has had two episodes of rage, one was in front of all 4 of our children, and the other was just in front of the youngest. He would not let me leave with her and grabbed her away from me and when I tried to leave, he jumped on my car and I thought I was going to run him over. He denies that he has started drinking again, but regardless, I am done with this relationship. I went to a marriage counselor with him (to his mother's insistance because she is in denial and thinks we just need to talk it out) and listened to him cry and cry and the counselor told him he had several issues, like abandonment issues, and trauma issues. But it was deja vu because we have sat on several marriage counselor's couches and the same things have been said but in the end nothing changes. It is almost worse now after having almost a year of sobriety and stability and knowing how good things can be, and learning to trust and open my heart to him again. I am angry at myself for giving him so many chances and of course angry at him for what he is putting myself and the kids through. He refuses to move out, but I will leave if/when it gets bad because my older 3 kids are 16,15 and 10 have phones and will look out for their little sister and they can let met now if there is problems, and he doesn't lash out at them, just me, which is a blessing i guess. I committed to 5 more weeks of counseling, basically just to buy some time and if he knows there is someone else involved that he will be on better behavior. Over the last couple of months, I have been trying to do more things for myself so that I can keep going. I started going to spinning class 3 mornings a week before work and also working out on Sat, and I have opened up to friends at work about my situation, as I normally am a pretty private person. I started an antidepressent as well. One of my husbands faviorate things to say to me is "you're no prize", but when I look at myself in the mirror and see a beautiful person in the mirror, a good mother who works hard both in my profession and at home, I am starting to realize that he is the one that is no prize We actually were divorced for 3 years and got remarried almost 4 years ago, because of guilt of our family not being together and thinking things had changed. So... i have done the single thing once before and know that I will be ok. Anyway, look forward to reading more of your stories and learning from your experiences and insight.
Jen

dandylion

pilotswife---it sounds like you know what you need to do. Sobriety is much more than just not drinking alcohol. Individual counseling for yourself might be a much better use of your money.......don't you think?

dandylion

Raider

I'm sorry. Your story is heartbreaking It sounds like you know what to do. Good luck and blessings to you.

KateL

Good decision. His behavior is unacceptable. I wouldn't like to be on a plane with him at the controls either xxxx

deeker

Thank you for sharing, but you don't have to wait till the situation gets worse.

If it were me I would get those kids and myself away asap.

Mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

If he is not drinking and behaves that way, that is very scarey.

Ofelie

Who will he go after if you are not there to be his verbal punching bag? The kids. Why, oh why would you even consider leaving and leaving them there??? I am confused? Did you not mean permanently leave, just leave the current argument, etc? I know I do not walk in your shoes, but this seems an odd choice to me. If he is this abusive to you, it follows that he will eventually turn on others around him, especially those he feels are weaker, i.e. your kids. You said he will not leave, there are ways to MAKE him leave.

atalose

It's often said here at SR that alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages.

I think the more we recover, the more we learn about ourselves we discover we really were not hostages as much as volunteers. We often stay far longer then we needed to. Each of us recover and discover at our own pace, we take steps forward in our lives when we feel comfortable moving from one to the next.

We discover we don't need permission from our families or friends to end a relationship but having them understand and accept our choices brings a sense of relief to us. It's good you are opening up to friends, we need allot of support to help us leave from one place in our lives to another.

You may never get "family" approval especially from his family with your decision but that is ok, you don't need it.

Lots of good people here who are experiencing the endings of a relationship from an alcoholic and all the difficulties that involves.

I think Dandylions suggestion for you to seek counseling on your own is a great one. And just because you have committed to another 5 weeks of marriage counseling doesn't mean you need to waste that time on "us" instead of just "you".

I learned that at the root of all addicts is pain, often very deep pain and until that pain is fully addressed the addictions will continue. Many addicts simply stop the substance but never address the deep core issues so relapse is often the case. At least that is what I believe happened with my ex.

Keep doing what you are doing for you, have fun in your spin classes and Yes know that you will be ok.

Glad you found SR.

pilotswife

I think he has been drinking, he just won't admit it. I know for a fact a couple of weeks ago he was intoxicated. He admitted it briefly but then said he had taken 2 doses of Nyquil in the middle of the day to sleep because he hadn't slept the night before due to his flights, etc. I have tried calling the person over his recovery program and basically was told that my husband would have to reach out to him, and that as long as he shows up sober to his meetings he is not going to get involved. His AA sponsor also relapsed and isn't involved with my husband too much anymore. Even if my husband hasn't been drinking and this is how he is sober, I want no part of it. He is usually gone 4 days a week thank goodness (unless he calls in sick), so it is just 3 days a week that I have to be around him, and I work during the days and I sleep in the spare bedroom. I feel like while the counselor is involved things will be more stable, but if there are any more episodes I will leave with the kids. the older 3 really don't want to leave the comforts of home, and so I have been trying to avoid it as long as I can.

pilotswife

I understand your concern. He has never raged on them, verbally abused them ever. But they are victims because they have watched him do it to me and have had to watch the emotional rollercoaster of having an alcoholic dad. The last incident where he jumped on my car I called his mother, let her know what had been going on and asked her to go over and get my daughter out of that house. She went over there and talked to him and stayed into the evening with them and wanted the other kids to come back that she would be there. I stayed at a friends house and told the kids the next morning to get an overnight back packed and put in their car for the next night, but they said that dad was ok and they felt everything would be fine. That afternoon we had the first counseling session, where he has committed to behaving. His mother stayed at my house during the day to make sure my youngest was taken care of. The next few days I have called my husband's phone throughout the day and talked to my daughter to make sure my husband is taking care of her. I am trying to handle things the best way I know how with the resources I have. My family lives on the other side of the country, otherwise I would just take my kids and go back home. Anyway, please understand my kids are my first priority but I also have to hold down my job and try to keep life as normal for my kids as I can.

Hawkeye13

Dear pw;
Welcome to SR and it really sounds like you have been through a great deal here.


I'm unclear if you are saying you would leave the children in the home with the angry alcoholic and move out? I hope that isn't what you are saying--
I realize joint custody is something you may not be able to avoid but I grew up in an alcoholic home.
I was not the target at first--my brother was, but when he moved out
I very quickly became the target for the abuse.

Please do not assume he will leave the children alone if you aren't there.
I can pretty much promise you he won't, and it is beyond damaging.
I also ended up being the house cleaner, cook, and deal-with-the-drunk person on call.

This is no way to spend a childhood. I am now dealing with alcoholism myself, codependency, and trust / safety issues in relationships because of that early exposure so my strong advice would be to take the kids and leave, and let him fight for custody if he is so inclined. He may not follow through since he travels so much and would have to make arrangements (and document them) for caregivers, etc. since the children are all minors. Have you considered this or talked with lawyer yet?

It is a very difficult situation and you do deserve a better and happier life.
Please keep posting and affirming you are a good and loving person.

pilotswife

I agree that I will need counseling, and I also plan on starting alanon again. my goal for the marriage counseling was to get some boundaries set up and for another person to be involved to call him on his behavior. I will stop the counseling if I don't feel it is going to be worthwhile but for now it is at least keeping himself in check.

pilotswife

No Just a temporary leave, like overnight. my oldest kids don't want to leave the house because they know dad will eventually blow over and they just go to their rooms. I have only had to leave twice. since he went to rehab. Before rehab, I had kicked him out and he was living in an apartment for 6 months. And that was a much better situation.

Ofelie

Please don't take my words as attacking you, they were never meant that way. Like I said, I don't walk in your shoes, and don't have all the details. I do know that life with an alcoholic is never "normal" and as parents we provide a life model for our kids so they can grow up to be healthy, happy, productive adults who contribute to society. Alcoholism is insidious, it creeps into every nook and cranny of your life, often you don't even realize many of the ways it has affected your life, the awful emotional damage it can do to you and your kids til you are far removed from the situation and can reevaluate with some perspective. I agree with Hawkeye, its no way to spend a childhood. For me, in my personal mess of an experience, I had to see that I did not want my son growing up and becoming a man like my alcoholic ex fiance, didn't want him learning to treat women the way my ex treated me. I didn't want my girls growing up and becoming doormats for abusive men, and I didn't want them thinking it was normal for a man to get angry and go berserk over every little thing. I didn't want them marrying abusers, because that was their "normal". I found, for me, that getting away from the alcoholic, removing him from our lives, while hard because of some changes, made things so much better. Calmer, more peaceful. We are happier in so many ways. I am sure you will do what is best for your kids, of course, because you are a good mother. As far as them not wanting to leave the comfort of home, a parent's job is to decide what is best for the kids, right? Kids don't have the maturity and life experience to see the bigger picture of what is best for them, like we do. So, whether they want to go or not, you are the one who decides that. And I do hope you are able to figure it out before he has another rage episode. Things tend to escalate with alcoholics.

pilotswife

No worries, I read about some people's experiences and want to scream, why would you do that or why would you stay with that person!!! I'm sure it is the same with mine. My kids are my life. My littlest one is the happiest little girl I have ever seen (as agreed by everyone that meets her), she is like an angel and I will do everything I can to protect her innocence. The older kids are more seasoned with this and I regret some of the things they have heard and seen and I try to protect them from as much as I can. But they have made it very clear, they don't want to bounce from place to place or stay 30 min away at the inlaws house. Our house is big and they can all go to a place and get away from it. Anyway, appreciate all the feedback from everyone. I am re evaluating my thinking and what I need to do to best protect my kids.

CodeJob

Oh I have to chuckle - you married this person twice!? With his work schedule and the M counselor, you've got 5 weeks. It sounds like this time u and kids will leave the house? I wish you healing and strength PilotsWife. Welcome to SR!

dandylion

pilotswife----I believe that we adults minimize the effects on the children. Even if they are quiet as mice and go to their distant rooms when the black clouds are present; just because they are not outwardly voicing any concerns; just because they are "good kids' and not acting out---please don't make the mistake of thinking that they are not learning a lot of negative messages by living with active alcoholism. I it is uncomfortable for you---how can it not be unpleasant for them??

As adults--we have to decide what is overall best for our children. I remember so well that kids--esp. teens neeever want their immediate bonds with their peers interrupted---but this has to be weighed against the greater good for them in the long run. We have to "see around the corners" for them.

Sure, we need to talk--LOTS---with our kids and let them express their feelings. But, I can assure you that it can be a mistake if we let the tail wag the dog.

I am not scolding you or trying to make you feel bad. I can remember being in your shoes with teen agers. There are lots of things that I would change if I were allowed to have a "re-do".

I am just trying to give you the benefit of my experience.

Peace. Out.

dandylion

KateL

My children were always safe with my abusive ex and he never raged on them either so you don't berate need to feel bad about leaving them in his care. However, I have since had to teach my kids that the abuse towards me that they witnesses was not acceptable and they understand that now. xxxxxxxxx

Hammer

First, welcome, Jen.

Similar enough to be the same, here.

In our case, I am the man, and she cleared Rehab, 8 Dec 2012.

Eating Disorder, this time -- but SSDD.

3 kids, much else the same, including matching on the In-laws.

But THIS part:

. . . the counselor told him he had several issues, like abandonment issues, and trauma issues . . .

Big Stuff. Very BIG Stuff in terms of the rest of what you have presented.

Do YOU understand what the Therapist was saying and what that is Therapy Industry "code" for?