the little things
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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the little things
I really want to know what everyone thinks. Please share your opinion. Right now I am going through something very personal unrelated to alcoholism that is difficult for me. I need the support of my partner drunk or not. We all know that is useless to count on.
In the midst of feeling down this week, he has been spending time with me. He wanted to get away and spend time with his friend for a bit which I understand but I do not agree with the way this happened and this is just why alcoholics are sick with a brain disease. Lacking clear judgement.
Instead of going to dinner with a guy friend, (A dinner I would not feel bad to miss. boring.) He goes down the street to a married couple's house we frequently go for dinner and always together to eat. With them, their children and mother in law and just… doesn't invite me?
I feel uncomfortable and awkward and more importantly left out! I shared this with him after he left for their house, and he told me he didn't think I would want to go given what is going on in my life right now. (well thanks for the choice?) then it snowballed into him telling me I was being selfish and ruining his time there and he was being rude by being on the phone with me:gash He told me married or not, the guy is his friend and he is going there to spend time with him even if his family is home and I will not ALWAYS be invited. And then he hung up on me. I called back irate, and was told:
If I keep it up he isn't even coming back here tonight he will just talk to me tomorrow. (whaaaaat?)
In the midst of feeling down this week, he has been spending time with me. He wanted to get away and spend time with his friend for a bit which I understand but I do not agree with the way this happened and this is just why alcoholics are sick with a brain disease. Lacking clear judgement.
Instead of going to dinner with a guy friend, (A dinner I would not feel bad to miss. boring.) He goes down the street to a married couple's house we frequently go for dinner and always together to eat. With them, their children and mother in law and just… doesn't invite me?
I feel uncomfortable and awkward and more importantly left out! I shared this with him after he left for their house, and he told me he didn't think I would want to go given what is going on in my life right now. (well thanks for the choice?) then it snowballed into him telling me I was being selfish and ruining his time there and he was being rude by being on the phone with me:gash He told me married or not, the guy is his friend and he is going there to spend time with him even if his family is home and I will not ALWAYS be invited. And then he hung up on me. I called back irate, and was told:
If I keep it up he isn't even coming back here tonight he will just talk to me tomorrow. (whaaaaat?)
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I obviously know this is not right, couples are an extension of each other and this should never happen. I have bought baby gifts for their children, gone to their baby showers, and we have all been a part of each other's lives since him and I have been together now for a few years. This is just total nonsense and I didn't even understand how he could sit at their house down the street while I was home alone wondering why I was not invited to dinner. I would not be ok doing something like this. ever.
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I don't know. It sounds like you're trying to control who he can hangout with and when. I don't know why you're mad at him. He's hanging out with his friend but you're saying that he cannot hang out with this particular friend unless you go with him?
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Maybe he just assumed you were too "under the weather" to enjoy anything. I know he could have asked, but frankly, I could see myself doing the same thing if my DH was truly in a funky state of mind (not knowing your exact situation, I can only project). Especially if it was a spontaneous decision on his part, I don't think it's any big deal, especially if one or both of you really needed a bit of space at that point.
However, it's good that you communicated to him that you would have liked to have been asked--in the future, he'll have better guidance on how to proceed.
This isn't to "forgive" any bad alcoholic behavior where it existed, such as the rant about your being selfish.
However, it's good that you communicated to him that you would have liked to have been asked--in the future, he'll have better guidance on how to proceed.
This isn't to "forgive" any bad alcoholic behavior where it existed, such as the rant about your being selfish.
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I get offended about things like this too snd then I start asking myself the tough questions. Dont make it about the dinner snd ask yourself what the underlying issue is.
When separated AH and I were still together and in couples counseling, one of the biggest fights we ever got into started over Fish Sticks. Sounds lame but eventually escalated into him leaving the house and then separating. The therapist finally cut through all the minertia and said "stop with the fish sticks and what is the underlying issue?". Basically we were putting away groceries and there was a box of frozen fish sticks that had not been closed all the way and he asked me why I didnt close it properly and if I would actually feed the kids fish sticks with freezer burn, blah blah blah...in asking about the underlying issue she determined that basically there was a lack of trust on his part for me to make good decisions which stem from his childhood and it escalated because I was so codependent keep defending myself and buying into to the active A line of questioning....at that time he was still active A.
Now I remind myself when I get upset about little things, "fish sticks" and I ask myself why I am really mad. Start there. You will be amazed at what you learn about yourself. It is constant work but you will become more healthy for it!
When separated AH and I were still together and in couples counseling, one of the biggest fights we ever got into started over Fish Sticks. Sounds lame but eventually escalated into him leaving the house and then separating. The therapist finally cut through all the minertia and said "stop with the fish sticks and what is the underlying issue?". Basically we were putting away groceries and there was a box of frozen fish sticks that had not been closed all the way and he asked me why I didnt close it properly and if I would actually feed the kids fish sticks with freezer burn, blah blah blah...in asking about the underlying issue she determined that basically there was a lack of trust on his part for me to make good decisions which stem from his childhood and it escalated because I was so codependent keep defending myself and buying into to the active A line of questioning....at that time he was still active A.
Now I remind myself when I get upset about little things, "fish sticks" and I ask myself why I am really mad. Start there. You will be amazed at what you learn about yourself. It is constant work but you will become more healthy for it!
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Originally Posted by iamthird 
Now I remind myself when I get upset about little things, "fish sticks" and I ask myself why I am really mad. Start there. You will be amazed at what you learn about yourself. It is constant work but you will become more healthy for it!
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Iamthird,
Thanks. Fishsticks.
lol. I have to say that there really really wasn't anything here that bothered me. He goes out to dinner all the time with that guy and I never want to go. I would be bored. But when they have dinner at his house with his wife and her mom and the kids, I go b/c then I am not with two males and it is entertaining and we all talk. I know I am always invited to their house and it was him that decided to not bring me. Which of course if we were married, I wouldn't want him to be able to tell me when I can or cannot go down the street to dinner at another couples house. that is ridiculous.
I know if the roles were reversed, 1. the alcoholic nonsense would have not happened. Calling him selfish is not an option for me in that situation. I would welcome him telling me how he felt. 2. He would feel like a child if I told him when he could and could not come.
I have been in two long relationships before this and balanced. The other person is always invited unless they don't want to go and of course women don't want to go sit with a bunch of men most of the time. I have never had most of the issues with other guys that I have had with him, actually none of the issues. I can't describe it accurately here but I guess I can only go with my gut on this one and trust me it was not something you could see fitting into a marriage. Most things alcoholics do don't fit into any sort of organized and normal relationship.
Thanks. Fishsticks.
lol. I have to say that there really really wasn't anything here that bothered me. He goes out to dinner all the time with that guy and I never want to go. I would be bored. But when they have dinner at his house with his wife and her mom and the kids, I go b/c then I am not with two males and it is entertaining and we all talk. I know I am always invited to their house and it was him that decided to not bring me. Which of course if we were married, I wouldn't want him to be able to tell me when I can or cannot go down the street to dinner at another couples house. that is ridiculous. I know if the roles were reversed, 1. the alcoholic nonsense would have not happened. Calling him selfish is not an option for me in that situation. I would welcome him telling me how he felt. 2. He would feel like a child if I told him when he could and could not come.
I have been in two long relationships before this and balanced. The other person is always invited unless they don't want to go and of course women don't want to go sit with a bunch of men most of the time. I have never had most of the issues with other guys that I have had with him, actually none of the issues. I can't describe it accurately here but I guess I can only go with my gut on this one and trust me it was not something you could see fitting into a marriage. Most things alcoholics do don't fit into any sort of organized and normal relationship.
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Also what I am going through right now in a normal relationship the mate would spend the first week or so with that person. I don't want to get into it but it was also cruddy that he took off to do dinner at a place we go together usually. I think he isn't able to be reliable or depended on, and god forbid I ever needed him for anything bigger than this I would be screwed because short of 3 days, he can't be around or be emotional support for anyone.
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Originally Posted by bird13
Also what I am going through right now in a normal relationship the mate would spend the first week or so with that person. I don't want to get into it but it was also cruddy that he took off to do dinner at a place we go together usually. I think he isn't able to be reliable or depended on, and god forbid I ever needed him for anything bigger than this I would be screwed because short of 3 days, he can't be around or be emotional support for anyone.
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Maybe he just thought you needed some space? I don't really know the answer but this obviously hurt you alot. Men as a whole are not always the best emoational supporters, some just don't know how.
I am sorry for what you are going through, we support you!
I am sorry for what you are going through, we support you!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Same actions, different day.
I reread some of your older posts, nothing is changing in your situation.
No judgement on my part, ( I too, have been where you are) it appears you are currently switching seats on a sinking ship, searching for the seat that will spare you the discomfort.
You're not married to this guy, right? Obviously, this situation is not working, why are you holding on so tight? Maybe it's time to search out a lifeboat, jump in it and start paddling towards the shore.
I reread some of your older posts, nothing is changing in your situation.
No judgement on my part, ( I too, have been where you are) it appears you are currently switching seats on a sinking ship, searching for the seat that will spare you the discomfort.
You're not married to this guy, right? Obviously, this situation is not working, why are you holding on so tight? Maybe it's time to search out a lifeboat, jump in it and start paddling towards the shore.
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You're right. That's not a healthy situation.
Who knows what he thought (and who cares)? I'm not saying if you're a couple, you have to do everything together -- but there are several red flags here.
One -- he doesn't ask you if you need him before he decides to go out to dinner.
Two -- he doesn't ask you if you would like to come.
He isn't treating you with respect. He doesn't care what you want. He cares what HE wants, and HE wanted to leave you behind and go have dinner with his friend & family.
Three -- you call him. After you've told him you're upset about his actions and he tells you he doesn't care, you still call him when he's over there. Why? What were you hoping to achieve? (And that's not snarky questions, it's questions I would ask myself...)
It all sounds very dysfunctional. And like he's using whatever methods he has to make you feel small. And you are letting him, and playing along. I never saw it that way until I read a book about manipulative people. At first, it made me angry because I felt like it was blaming the victim. But the bottom line in the book was: For manipulation to happen, there has to be two willing participants. If you shrug your shoulders and say "K then, have a nice evening" you're taking away his ability to manipulate you...
Who knows what he thought (and who cares)? I'm not saying if you're a couple, you have to do everything together -- but there are several red flags here.
One -- he doesn't ask you if you need him before he decides to go out to dinner.
Two -- he doesn't ask you if you would like to come.
He isn't treating you with respect. He doesn't care what you want. He cares what HE wants, and HE wanted to leave you behind and go have dinner with his friend & family.
Three -- you call him. After you've told him you're upset about his actions and he tells you he doesn't care, you still call him when he's over there. Why? What were you hoping to achieve? (And that's not snarky questions, it's questions I would ask myself...)
It all sounds very dysfunctional. And like he's using whatever methods he has to make you feel small. And you are letting him, and playing along. I never saw it that way until I read a book about manipulative people. At first, it made me angry because I felt like it was blaming the victim. But the bottom line in the book was: For manipulation to happen, there has to be two willing participants. If you shrug your shoulders and say "K then, have a nice evening" you're taking away his ability to manipulate you...
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