JustAGirl1971

This week, I've read lots of posts from people who have recently broken things off with their alcoholic partner and are grieving, etc. My AH moved out almost two weeks ago and yes, I'm a little sad. Yes, I miss him if I dwell on it. But, mostly? Mostly, I feel happier, calmer, more peaceful. I feel like I made the first right choice in a very long time. I do have my moments of grief and my moments of weakness, but mostly I just feel relief. I feel like I grieved the loss of our marriage the last two years and I'm finally done? Am I the only one, or is there anyone else out there like me? Or, will this feeling of contentment come crashing down a few days, weeks, or months from now and I'll really miss him?

getthere

Snap,i am exactly the same,grieved the loss of our relationship as we slept back to back for years,i went to Al anon for 6 meetings and felt the odd one out,as they were all living with their A,full of forgiveness while living in fear.My EXA did 14 weeks rehab,he is out a month,we speak once a week on phone,well he speaks,i listen,Telling me tonight how sad he is that our relationship is gone and finding it hard to deal with,but i dealt with it long ago,yes i still get sad now and then,feel a bit weepy,but this week i feel on top of things,and am enjoying the peaceful home i now have back

Florence

This is exactly how I felt. The deepest, most painful part of our breakup happened about a year before he ever left the house for good. It was when I was left home alone with a newborn, recovering from major surgery, and he went off to rehab for the third time after I found him trying to care for our three week old daughter while drunk off his gourd. I was so low and so alone. It was crushing and terrifying. At that point I realized the writing was on the wall and I couldn't live like this anymore. The status quo was no good.

Almost a year later, when I found him trying to take care of our now one year old daughter while drunk off his gourd, I was so sick and tired of all the shenanigans and lies and excuses and half-assed attempts at pulling his life together that I just wanted his face off my radar screen. I haven't shed a tear for him since. I was just done. He can't touch me anymore.

JustAGirl1971

Thank you, getthere. I was beginning to feel like an odd duck, lol. That's funny on al-anon. I was still with my AH the first 2 months. I felt like the only one because everyone else had left their As. I guess it's all a matter of perspective and location.

HealingWillCome

It's hard to say how you'll feel, but I can tell you I've been down both paths. There were separations when I grieved and thought the pain would never end. Everything was a trigger and I was a mess.

Later, when I made my final break, I had felt it coming for a long time--sort of in the same way you've been grieving the loss of your marriage for a couple of years already. I had already accepted in my heart that it was over. It was just a matter of timing. I cried my eyes out the night we ended it, and I haven't shed a tear since. I have felt complete peace since then. And peace with the decision. I miss him and love him, but not the chaos nor the nasty disease.

You may have some triggers along the way. Just be prepared. Grief cycles, but lessens with time and space. You sound like you're in a good place right now--yay for you!

hopeful4

If I could get rid of mine I would jump for joy...LOL...no joke!

craftylady

I had days when the grief is worse than others... weekends are hard. I think it is the down time (more time to think and ponder and think). I miss my husband less and less. I felt horrible at first.. like it was mean of me to feel good about being on my own. Then I would have days when I felt panic and lonely. Rollercoaster of emotions.

I am almost 2 months on my own and I feel great... and feeling less and less guilt about feeling good. I find myself smiling more and when I do have to have contact with my AH, I can recover emotionally a lot quicker.

lillamy

I think I've mentioned before that a childhood friend of mine contacted me after her father died -- she knew I had been married to an A, her father had been an A (died from cirrhosis). She was furious because her mother announced her engagement and plan to remarry less than six months after the funeral. My friend was in tears and asked, "how can she do this? She must have never loved Dad?"

I pretty much told her what you're telling us -- when you live with an alcoholic who is dead set on staying on the highway to hell, you start grieving the person you married long before either the marriage or the person is completely dead.

I felt the same way. Once I left AXH, all I felt was relief.

FishnHippy

I guess my marriage is over my wife and her boyfriend moved into my house why I was in rehab and now he's playing with my bass boat

Angry eyes

Kindeyes

Sometimes....when walking out of an unhappy marriage.....it's like walking out of a room that has been empty for a very long time.

A couple of years ago, I talked to a lady who had lost her dear husband to cancer. I remarked about how incredibly good she looked and how well she seemed to be doing. She explained that her husband was so ill for the last two to three months of his life that she grieved him while he was still alive. She felt a sense of relief when his pain was over. Sad.....but I understood exactly what she meant. As a my marriage to my XAH died, I grieved as it was happening.......by the time the actual split up took place.....there was a sense of relief.

I think the way you are feeling is pretty normal.

gentle hugs
ke

FishnHippy

I am starting to think the best kind of wife to have is someone elses..

Stung

I was a mess for the first few weeks but I didn't have a slow, planned out, amicable split like you did. Mine was dramatic and happened really fast. I think it was more my body and mind coming to terms with reality that made those first few weeks so difficult. I'm much happier now, but I had to get past the drama to get here.

ETA: my baby also turned 4 months old a few days after I kicked RAH out and I felt so strongly like I had failed my kids by choosing such a crap partner to be their dad. The lack of sleep and hormones probably also played a huge role for me. I was such a hot mess. I think I was completely opposite from how you're handling your split. You're handling yours with so much grace and with such a level head. It's very admirable!

TheMs

Dear JustAGirl1971, it has been 3 months now, since I left my STBXAH. I feel exactly the same way as you are describing. I spent almost 3 years grieving and I feel that now, it is finally over and I can allow myself to relax and to build my own life back up from the ashes that living with him left me with.

I am so happy that you started this thread. I have had so many people looking at me strange when I have tried to explain the same thing. As if they don't believe me. Thank you!

Like I said, 3 months and no "missing him feelings" so far, and I feel stronger each day. Hugs to you!