called the police, she came to my door
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm sorry, Blake. That must have been so frightening. 
Here's my take on this -- knowing that you're not dealing with a rational person...
Showing up at your door when you've told her it's over costs her nothing. She obviously didn't think you would call the police (based on what she told the neighbor).
Showing up at your door when you have a protective order in place in most states means she's committing a felony. Now, even if she's dangerous and irrational, that is a big fat risk to take.
That said -- at the end of the day, a protective order is just a piece of paper. Personally, when I got mine, I supplemented with a conceal carry permit and a firearm. But that was easy to do in my state.
If you have to move to have peace of mind, do it. For now, just breathe.
They said I should go to the courthouse and get a protective order.
But I fear that will only ignite more things vs. me being quiet. She has a record.
But I fear that will only ignite more things vs. me being quiet. She has a record.
Showing up at your door when you've told her it's over costs her nothing. She obviously didn't think you would call the police (based on what she told the neighbor).
Showing up at your door when you have a protective order in place in most states means she's committing a felony. Now, even if she's dangerous and irrational, that is a big fat risk to take.
That said -- at the end of the day, a protective order is just a piece of paper. Personally, when I got mine, I supplemented with a conceal carry permit and a firearm. But that was easy to do in my state.
If you have to move to have peace of mind, do it. For now, just breathe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Blake, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how upset and scared you must be. I have to agree that a restraining order is necessary if you can get one. If you truly think your life is in danger and can't relax in your own home it may be time to consider moving. You deserve to have your life back and live safely and happily.
Much love and hugs to you. xoxo
Much love and hugs to you. xoxo
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Blake you are going to die from something.
Do not spend too much time worrying about if this will be it.
And there was SOME good.
You loved her as best as one could. And she loved as much as she could.
For at least one brief shining moment in your life you had love and were loved.
Some folks never get that.
Lotta good in that. Just crazy cannot really love, at least in the long-term.
You understand she is bat-sheet crazy.
We know she is bat-sheet crazy.
She may even have a glimmer that she is bat-sheet crazy.
BUT in her own way and mind she did love you. Lot worse things than that.
This one seems to cover things along that line, at least to me.
The Car Crash - Vanilla Sky (5/9) Movie CLIP (2001) HD - YouTube
Funny part to me, is the girl's reasoning sort of makes sense to me, but that is probably because if, if, if, I would probably be a like Mate-For-Life sort of guy. Suppose that is crazy in the here and now, too.
So stay out of cars with Crazy Chicks, too.
Dunno.
Do not spend too much time worrying about if this will be it.
And there was SOME good.
You loved her as best as one could. And she loved as much as she could.
For at least one brief shining moment in your life you had love and were loved.
Some folks never get that.
Lotta good in that. Just crazy cannot really love, at least in the long-term.
You understand she is bat-sheet crazy.
We know she is bat-sheet crazy.
She may even have a glimmer that she is bat-sheet crazy.
BUT in her own way and mind she did love you. Lot worse things than that.
This one seems to cover things along that line, at least to me.
The Car Crash - Vanilla Sky (5/9) Movie CLIP (2001) HD - YouTube
Funny part to me, is the girl's reasoning sort of makes sense to me, but that is probably because if, if, if, I would probably be a like Mate-For-Life sort of guy. Suppose that is crazy in the here and now, too.
So stay out of cars with Crazy Chicks, too.
Dunno.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
I've gone through many similar things as you and since I didn't retaliate against
her physically since I was much taller/stronger, people didn't get the fear.
I was petrified. She'd hit me plenty of times but nothing compared to what she'd
do after I left.
The last time I bolted, she did exactly what she did before: constant phone calls and emails, threats, bought another handgun, shut off my mail, destroyed my things (lied about that actually)....and then she frigging died.
Had she not died? I can say I think the only thing that DID have some impact on her crazy behaviors was my Mom and her mom getting involved. And we aren't young.
The more outside people you can involve that personally know her (and if not, then anyone who will stand up and help you) the better the chances that she'll cool her jets.
I know all about staying in hotel rooms. I remember the fear that you're talking about.
Get people around you that have no fear of her. I'm sorry if I'm repeating things or if you're already doing this. Frankly, your posts are such a reminder of my past with her that my brain goes into the old fight or flight mode.
take care of yourself
her physically since I was much taller/stronger, people didn't get the fear.
I was petrified. She'd hit me plenty of times but nothing compared to what she'd
do after I left.
The last time I bolted, she did exactly what she did before: constant phone calls and emails, threats, bought another handgun, shut off my mail, destroyed my things (lied about that actually)....and then she frigging died.
Had she not died? I can say I think the only thing that DID have some impact on her crazy behaviors was my Mom and her mom getting involved. And we aren't young.
The more outside people you can involve that personally know her (and if not, then anyone who will stand up and help you) the better the chances that she'll cool her jets.
I know all about staying in hotel rooms. I remember the fear that you're talking about.
Get people around you that have no fear of her. I'm sorry if I'm repeating things or if you're already doing this. Frankly, your posts are such a reminder of my past with her that my brain goes into the old fight or flight mode.
take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by blake1989 
Thank you friends. I don't know. I've done a lot of athletics. Always opined on martial arts. What I'm truly hung up on is that she'll shoot me, maybe months from now. The stories she's told me about trying to get a gun to kill a family member who harmed her stuck with me. I know maybe they're fabrications, but that stuff haunts me. I can't wear a kevlar vest all the time lol. Maybe it really is time to move.
Well Blake, in light of the fact she has threatened that kind of violence in the past towards a family member, you might be right about the moving after all.
The important thing to consider is the "anxiety factor" in that she very likely would never do such a thing, but your worry about it harms you over time.
When is your lease up?
How big is the town you live in? Can you be swallowed up by city crowds or is it too small for that?
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
That is such a horrible experience but good for you on how you handled it. So glad you are getting away this weekend.
Just know that you have virtual support here. Hope that helps, even if just a little.
Maybe after the weekend you'll have a better sense of what you need to do to feel safe. And I agree with those who say go ahead and get the order of protection.
Just know that you have virtual support here. Hope that helps, even if just a little.
Maybe after the weekend you'll have a better sense of what you need to do to feel safe. And I agree with those who say go ahead and get the order of protection.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Oh Blake, just logged on and read about your traumatic experience. I am so sorry you had to endure this.
I do want to point out something -- please bear with me... Her behavior was nutty and inappropriate, but not violent. She was drunk and weepy and pathetically knocking on your door. There were no screaming rages, or guns and axes, or hired thugs.
Maybe, just maybe, she had to show up in person (drunk of course - did you a favor there) to see for herself that you wouldn't cave in.
And maybe now she'll get the message.
I am putting this out there to try to balance some of the terror that is obvious in your post, with the reality of what actually happened.
Having said that, I do agree with the others that being very proactive, and overly protective of yourself at this time is totally called for - restraining order (if they'll issue one), stay at a friend's house, or a hotel for a week or two, keep working out - martial arts is a great idea - and start looking for a new place. Whether or not you end up needing to move, you are taking action, not passively waiting for disaster.
At least there can be no doubt in your mind that you are in fact dealing with a very unstable person, who is a high risk proposition at best, and a possible threat to your welfare at worst.
Stay strong, friend, and please remember that this crap cannot "destroy" you! You are a wise, intelligent and loving guy who is soon to be free of this painful chapter in your life.
We are here for you.
SQ
I do want to point out something -- please bear with me... Her behavior was nutty and inappropriate, but not violent. She was drunk and weepy and pathetically knocking on your door. There were no screaming rages, or guns and axes, or hired thugs.
Maybe, just maybe, she had to show up in person (drunk of course - did you a favor there) to see for herself that you wouldn't cave in.
And maybe now she'll get the message.
I am putting this out there to try to balance some of the terror that is obvious in your post, with the reality of what actually happened.
Having said that, I do agree with the others that being very proactive, and overly protective of yourself at this time is totally called for - restraining order (if they'll issue one), stay at a friend's house, or a hotel for a week or two, keep working out - martial arts is a great idea - and start looking for a new place. Whether or not you end up needing to move, you are taking action, not passively waiting for disaster.
At least there can be no doubt in your mind that you are in fact dealing with a very unstable person, who is a high risk proposition at best, and a possible threat to your welfare at worst.
Stay strong, friend, and please remember that this crap cannot "destroy" you! You are a wise, intelligent and loving guy who is soon to be free of this painful chapter in your life.
We are here for you.
SQ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Ouch! Blake I'm really sorry. You deserve a break.
Yeah there is something sad and pathetic about a lonely drunk girl showing up at your door hoping for a re-union.
The mistake I made in similar situations was to have pity. It was a coping strategy to soothe and calm myself from the anxiety that they would go ahead and ruin my life.
I should have opened my eyes to the circle of crazy love - fear of abandonment - rage / need to punish that my exaf's entire life was built on.
After coming to my home my workplace was next.
In my situation it helped to surround myself with people that were on my side and understand the crazy.
For my workplace it would have helped to have a communication strategy in place to tell people about the mental illness as briefly as possible (in advance) without provoking the common misconceptions ( "the person is ill and needs our pity" - "how can our employee turn down a friend in need" "wow, our employee did THIS to this poor helpless person").
It is hard to argue against a mental illness.
You are not alone. We are here and we understand.
Yeah there is something sad and pathetic about a lonely drunk girl showing up at your door hoping for a re-union.
The mistake I made in similar situations was to have pity. It was a coping strategy to soothe and calm myself from the anxiety that they would go ahead and ruin my life.
I should have opened my eyes to the circle of crazy love - fear of abandonment - rage / need to punish that my exaf's entire life was built on.
After coming to my home my workplace was next.
In my situation it helped to surround myself with people that were on my side and understand the crazy.
For my workplace it would have helped to have a communication strategy in place to tell people about the mental illness as briefly as possible (in advance) without provoking the common misconceptions ( "the person is ill and needs our pity" - "how can our employee turn down a friend in need" "wow, our employee did THIS to this poor helpless person").
It is hard to argue against a mental illness.
You are not alone. We are here and we understand.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You need a restraining order Blake. If you are that afraid of her you need a restraining order.
Originally Posted by blake1989
I'm sitting here at a public computer. destroyed. looking for some thoughts on logistics or what next. I admit I'm a little afraid for my life. I think I might have to move. I'm afraid to post this even.
It was almost like I could feel her driving to me sometimes these past weeks after it ended. I thought it might be over when she wrote me a letter. I thought she would let me sit alone, crying, calling out her name and asking her why.
A little before 6am I woke up to gentle knocks on my door. I could hear her saying my name, I could hear her breathing words into my door, knocking over and over, suffering, i could hear her clothes against my door. I've been crying every day this week, mourning her, and she does this to me. I could hear she was drunk. She drove over an hour to me, to do this.
The knocks got louder, she tried the door knocker, it was louder. She kept saying my name, "i need to know," "I need help", "why isn't he here?". My therapist and everyone here prepared me for this. I was just getting used to not sleeping in hotels on weeknights.
I called 911 and waited for the police for 20 mins as she knocked over and over. My friend stayed by her phone with me, talking me through it. My ex had lied to my front desk security. She said she lived in my building and said her name was my name. She got 'lucky' and the front desk guy was new and did not observe any of the usual protocols.
I heard someone talk to her and she said 'my boyfriend is in there. go ahead and call the police'.
I heard her walk away down the hall, weeping. They called me and said she left. I told them my life could have been in danger and they said 'sorry about that.'
The police came and interviewed me, too late. They said I should have reported the time when she hit me. They said I should go to the courthouse and get a protective order.
But I fear that will only ignite more things vs. me being quiet. She has a record. I don't know if they found her, but said they would canvas my area
I don't know. I can't even think. I feel so sick. I can't go to my own place. I am going away for the weekend. I don't even know how to ask for help. What to do?
I'm sorry if I don't respond. I am waiting for my therapist and I have a time limit here. But will be reading if you were patient enough to read this
It was almost like I could feel her driving to me sometimes these past weeks after it ended. I thought it might be over when she wrote me a letter. I thought she would let me sit alone, crying, calling out her name and asking her why.
A little before 6am I woke up to gentle knocks on my door. I could hear her saying my name, I could hear her breathing words into my door, knocking over and over, suffering, i could hear her clothes against my door. I've been crying every day this week, mourning her, and she does this to me. I could hear she was drunk. She drove over an hour to me, to do this.
The knocks got louder, she tried the door knocker, it was louder. She kept saying my name, "i need to know," "I need help", "why isn't he here?". My therapist and everyone here prepared me for this. I was just getting used to not sleeping in hotels on weeknights.
I called 911 and waited for the police for 20 mins as she knocked over and over. My friend stayed by her phone with me, talking me through it. My ex had lied to my front desk security. She said she lived in my building and said her name was my name. She got 'lucky' and the front desk guy was new and did not observe any of the usual protocols.
I heard someone talk to her and she said 'my boyfriend is in there. go ahead and call the police'.
I heard her walk away down the hall, weeping. They called me and said she left. I told them my life could have been in danger and they said 'sorry about that.'
The police came and interviewed me, too late. They said I should have reported the time when she hit me. They said I should go to the courthouse and get a protective order.
But I fear that will only ignite more things vs. me being quiet. She has a record. I don't know if they found her, but said they would canvas my area
I don't know. I can't even think. I feel so sick. I can't go to my own place. I am going away for the weekend. I don't even know how to ask for help. What to do?
I'm sorry if I don't respond. I am waiting for my therapist and I have a time limit here. But will be reading if you were patient enough to read this
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Restraining orders are not that difficult to obtain. I filed for an emergency one over the phone from the police station after my XABF punched me and sent me tumbling down the stairs and the judge granted it and was very nice. I then represented myself in court (there were no victims advocate and no one told me nothing) and same thing the judge was very kind and granted it to me, no lawyers asking awful questions like on tv or something.. it was quick.
I would suggest you call your local DV hotline to ask them about how to get a TRO, they will help you and there is no shame in asking for protection from a nut
Please don't let the fact that you are a guy stop you, men can be victim of domestic violence too, no one will diss you. You could be a 200 pounds martial artist, if she is crazy you are at risk period.
hugs
I would suggest you call your local DV hotline to ask them about how to get a TRO, they will help you and there is no shame in asking for protection from a nut
Please don't let the fact that you are a guy stop you, men can be victim of domestic violence too, no one will diss you. You could be a 200 pounds martial artist, if she is crazy you are at risk period.
hugs
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
dunno about this, having never done the DV, protective order, etc. type stuff. So this at it full face value of "Free Advice." 
My experience is more along the "Crazy Chick" side of things. Which unfortunately my level is near expert.
Seems the rules of Crazy Chick land are:
1. It only runs on what it has been fed. AND
2. If you stop feeding it -- it comes and goes in waves until it is exhausted or finds a new source.
Over time, the waves get less and less if you not feed it. This is sort of a Vampire thing, they need our energy to feed upon.
By those Crazy Chick Land rules, this last bout may have run its course. Now it is sort of exhausted and expired -- or at least should be for a while, again. If Blake does anything to "feed" the Crazy, he will get more Crazy. If he gets a Court Order -- is that not issued to Crazy Chick, which feeds the Crazy and sets the whole thing into the next wave?
Just asking. Really, Blake talk to Zoso (do you know him?) and some of the folks on Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners, for how to back away over the horizon. What seems to be the Best Practice advice is to just "bore" them with dispassion, flat or no response, and let them find another target.
My experience is more along the "Crazy Chick" side of things. Which unfortunately my level is near expert.
Seems the rules of Crazy Chick land are:
1. It only runs on what it has been fed. AND
2. If you stop feeding it -- it comes and goes in waves until it is exhausted or finds a new source.
Over time, the waves get less and less if you not feed it. This is sort of a Vampire thing, they need our energy to feed upon.
By those Crazy Chick Land rules, this last bout may have run its course. Now it is sort of exhausted and expired -- or at least should be for a while, again. If Blake does anything to "feed" the Crazy, he will get more Crazy. If he gets a Court Order -- is that not issued to Crazy Chick, which feeds the Crazy and sets the whole thing into the next wave?
Just asking. Really, Blake talk to Zoso (do you know him?) and some of the folks on Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners, for how to back away over the horizon. What seems to be the Best Practice advice is to just "bore" them with dispassion, flat or no response, and let them find another target.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hammer,
I hear your point, but this is a woman who has talked about getting a gun to kill a family member in the past, and has attacked Blake physically. So it takes it out of the realm of just crazy, into crazy and used to using violence to command attention.
Maybe one of those YMMV situations?
I'd hate for anyone here to undermine Blake's ability to protect himself by downplaying her potential for harm.
I hear your point, but this is a woman who has talked about getting a gun to kill a family member in the past, and has attacked Blake physically. So it takes it out of the realm of just crazy, into crazy and used to using violence to command attention.
Maybe one of those YMMV situations?
I'd hate for anyone here to undermine Blake's ability to protect himself by downplaying her potential for harm.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I can see the point of both camps, order and no order, however, one thing a cop told me on one of his visits to our house before I kicked out my ex fiance. He said to get a protective order is to make a RECORD of it so that if something does happen, and you call the cops, they are already on high alert before they arrive having some idea of what they are dealing with, and will also behave differently than if its just a regular call. Which seems great, right? Unless they take 20-30 mins to arrive and the damage has been done and she is long gone...while you are laying there bleeding from being shot? Having said that, I absolutely agree with Hammer, it will feed the fire and make things worse. It would keep away a sane person, who was in charge of their compulsions and rationality, who could foresee the consequences of violating a protection order. But a person who is not operating under any sort of rational thinking, who is operating on emotions and some other reality, will not likely care about consequences, being too wrapped up in their head. This crazy lady might just be beyond caring about consequences, might just be willing to risk the cops, or might even figure she can shoot that gun and leave before they get there. It happens. I know a lady whose abusive ex husband followed her to the parking lot of a strip mall, waited til she came back to her car, slit her throat and stabbed her several times. Then he took off and was long gone before cops arrived. She survived, thankfully, and he went to prison. She had a restraining order and it didn't do a damn thing for her except make the trial quicker. He got 12 years, they had to move across the country and are STILL to this day hiding from him, since he got out a couple years ago. Hmm, maybe you should move after all...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Ultimately none of us know the future but I am pro-retraining order even though "it's just a piece of paper" because I had a friend who was married to a borderline and he wishes he had been proactive in getting a restraining order. she ended up making false allegations against him and he had nothing to prove all the years of abusive behavior he had suffered. The restraining order she got against him had far reaching implications for him. Of course it's not going to stop her if she is crazy but I think it's important to be proactive.
Last edited by Seren; 03-01-2014 at 02:00 PM. Reason: Removed quoted material
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Ok that is a fair point. The cop who told me to get the order told me he became a cop because his aunt was mixed up with a guy like my ex except he was a crazy meth addict...and when she tried to dump him, kicked him out of the house, he broke in, planted drugs, then called in a tip to the police. She ended up in jail, because it was her house, and they had no record of the abuse and stalking, etc. to prove it was him, even though pretty much everyone knew how he was and what he had done, there was no official record, it was her house the drugs were found in. Had there been a record consideration would have been taken for the circumstances, a record of stalking and abuse by a meth user, and a judge would have seen that things were not as they appeared. As it was, he could do nothing but sentence her and her life ended up destroyed. He said he became a cop to help women like me, like his aunt, so he could do SOMETHING to stop it from happening to another woman. Again, having said that, out here, it takes over a half hour for cops to arrive, so fat lot of good it would do me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Just wanted to give big thanks to all of you. I read this thread over and over. Thank you for your help and support.
I spent all day yesterday doing 'administrative' things. My apartment management did not put her picture in the system, even after saying they'd do it the day all this happened. I uploaded it in 5 seconds myself. The incompetence and lack of care is astounding. I pay $1400 a month and expect it to go its mileage when it comes to security. I've been unable to craft an email to them that doesn't sound angry or without a threat of moving, and I need them on my side.
I went to the police station, and they could not locate a report. It was demoralizing. They gave me the responding officer's email address and said to write him for more information. Never heard of emailing an officer, but hey, I'd never called 911 before either so I don't know. So I'm waiting on that. It's just so soul sucking that I'm at the point I can't even get mad about it. I don't understand why a report for a freaking 911 call would not be filed. They interviewed not just me but my front desk attendant. Maybe it takes time? Maybe because she was across state lines and got away they have jurisdiction issues. Actually I don't know if she got away. Why did they have to miss her by a mere 5 mins?
Anyway, I'm taking it easy for now. I'm really taking in everything you said, especially the protective order discussion. And contemplating moving. I live in a big area (5+ mill population), so yeah, I can disappear. I've been in the same place for over 10 years. But I'll take action if I have to.
I don't want to give what I heard power, but I am tormented by what I heard so deeply. Sometimes I don't know how to diminish the power, but it is a very new memory. This was so much worse than the actual day we broke up since she hung up on me after 3 mins when I said she hit me, simply told me 'have a good life. i guess it was good while it lasted' and a few days later began contacting me. Asking for an explanation. Calling me names on voicemail. Pleading. This last bout at the door was the worst thing I've ever heard. Her wailing in the hall. I don't know how I didn't open the door and go hug her and scoop her up like I always did. I guess because I was so mad and shocked that she would jeopardize her safety and mine to come do this.
Thank you all.
I spent all day yesterday doing 'administrative' things. My apartment management did not put her picture in the system, even after saying they'd do it the day all this happened. I uploaded it in 5 seconds myself. The incompetence and lack of care is astounding. I pay $1400 a month and expect it to go its mileage when it comes to security. I've been unable to craft an email to them that doesn't sound angry or without a threat of moving, and I need them on my side.
I went to the police station, and they could not locate a report. It was demoralizing. They gave me the responding officer's email address and said to write him for more information. Never heard of emailing an officer, but hey, I'd never called 911 before either so I don't know. So I'm waiting on that. It's just so soul sucking that I'm at the point I can't even get mad about it. I don't understand why a report for a freaking 911 call would not be filed. They interviewed not just me but my front desk attendant. Maybe it takes time? Maybe because she was across state lines and got away they have jurisdiction issues. Actually I don't know if she got away. Why did they have to miss her by a mere 5 mins?
Anyway, I'm taking it easy for now. I'm really taking in everything you said, especially the protective order discussion. And contemplating moving. I live in a big area (5+ mill population), so yeah, I can disappear. I've been in the same place for over 10 years. But I'll take action if I have to.
I don't want to give what I heard power, but I am tormented by what I heard so deeply. Sometimes I don't know how to diminish the power, but it is a very new memory. This was so much worse than the actual day we broke up since she hung up on me after 3 mins when I said she hit me, simply told me 'have a good life. i guess it was good while it lasted' and a few days later began contacting me. Asking for an explanation. Calling me names on voicemail. Pleading. This last bout at the door was the worst thing I've ever heard. Her wailing in the hall. I don't know how I didn't open the door and go hug her and scoop her up like I always did. I guess because I was so mad and shocked that she would jeopardize her safety and mine to come do this.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know, the sad thing is that (and I don't want to upset anyone) it matters who you are when you make a DV call.
It's fairly unusual that a man calls because a woman is threatening him, beats him, or stalks him. I bet a lot of cops blow off even filing a report because they simply don't really believe it's that important. Upper class women have the same issue -- they don't get help because damn, they have money, what do they need a bed in a shelter for?
All I can say is be persistent with the cops. Make sure there's a report filed. File for a protective order. And call a domestic violence shelter. Or, if you're in a big enough town, find an organization for abused men. They exist, but they're rare.
A domestic violence group can help you both with the legal stuff and the everyday stuff. When you're scared, you need to take your power back. And part of that for me was learning how to change my habits to minimize the opportunity for violence. Things like -- place a "weapon" in every room (baseball bat, fire extinguisher, etc), don't take the same route to work, don't go to the same gym/bar/bookstore at the same time every day/week, have someone walk you to and from your car at work...
People who haven't been in that situation think that changing your habits means giving in to the fear. It doesn't. It means taking control, and taking back the power, so that you don't have to live in fear.
It's fairly unusual that a man calls because a woman is threatening him, beats him, or stalks him. I bet a lot of cops blow off even filing a report because they simply don't really believe it's that important. Upper class women have the same issue -- they don't get help because damn, they have money, what do they need a bed in a shelter for?
All I can say is be persistent with the cops. Make sure there's a report filed. File for a protective order. And call a domestic violence shelter. Or, if you're in a big enough town, find an organization for abused men. They exist, but they're rare.
A domestic violence group can help you both with the legal stuff and the everyday stuff. When you're scared, you need to take your power back. And part of that for me was learning how to change my habits to minimize the opportunity for violence. Things like -- place a "weapon" in every room (baseball bat, fire extinguisher, etc), don't take the same route to work, don't go to the same gym/bar/bookstore at the same time every day/week, have someone walk you to and from your car at work...
People who haven't been in that situation think that changing your habits means giving in to the fear. It doesn't. It means taking control, and taking back the power, so that you don't have to live in fear.
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Thanks Amy. When they came, I could tell they were not extremely concerned. The second officer/partner asked me why I'm shaking as much as I was. I could barely stand still. But I gave them a rundown and by the end they said I definitely need to be careful and protect myself.
I don't even know if I said it in the thread or not. But she was arrested for assaulting her mom. She was arrested and spent a night in jail for assaulting a female police officer. She has 2 DUI's a few months apart (i thought they were farther apart than that - but i found the case records online). There's another arrest I'm unclear about. And I know she stole a car once but got away without being arrested somehow. She told me a story of being out with a friend and holding up a beer bottle to break it on a girl's head, but she didn't, and her friend she was with (another crazy gal), pushed the girl down and kicked her. Then they ran off before the police got there. Yes, my ex is a petite, skinny person. If anyone saw her they'd ask me what are you scared of. It's her talk of obtaining things that could hurt anyone that scares me, and my belief that she's capable of it because during a few blackouts she'd talk about how I have everything to lose and she has nothing to lose and she has to protect me. Well, now I left her, and protecting me may not be as much on her mind as it used to be. Thanks Amy for the pointers.
I don't even know if I said it in the thread or not. But she was arrested for assaulting her mom. She was arrested and spent a night in jail for assaulting a female police officer. She has 2 DUI's a few months apart (i thought they were farther apart than that - but i found the case records online). There's another arrest I'm unclear about. And I know she stole a car once but got away without being arrested somehow. She told me a story of being out with a friend and holding up a beer bottle to break it on a girl's head, but she didn't, and her friend she was with (another crazy gal), pushed the girl down and kicked her. Then they ran off before the police got there. Yes, my ex is a petite, skinny person. If anyone saw her they'd ask me what are you scared of. It's her talk of obtaining things that could hurt anyone that scares me, and my belief that she's capable of it because during a few blackouts she'd talk about how I have everything to lose and she has nothing to lose and she has to protect me. Well, now I left her, and protecting me may not be as much on her mind as it used to be. Thanks Amy for the pointers.
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I have a couple of friends in law enforcement, and they both say the same thing -- they would take on a dude before a chick ANY TIME when it comes to arresting them.
Because somehow, guys generally have the good sense to understand when they're outgunned (figuratively and literally). They usually calm down once they're cuffed and in the back seat of a police cruiser. Women? Not so much.
So I don't think you should ever underestimate the potential for violent crime from a person just because she's a tiny woman.
Because somehow, guys generally have the good sense to understand when they're outgunned (figuratively and literally). They usually calm down once they're cuffed and in the back seat of a police cruiser. Women? Not so much.
So I don't think you should ever underestimate the potential for violent crime from a person just because she's a tiny woman.
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