Did I say the right thing?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Did I say the right thing?
After reading many stories here and doing a lot of thinking, I sent a txt to my ABF, and now I am so worried about it.
I want harmony in my life so badly and I just want to see the positives, but his drinking never improves.
He txt me "I miss you. can I see you this weekend?" I said, "I miss you too, but we have problems and you know what they are." He said, "yes. I know. no sex and wine". I said, "your thinking is backwards. sex is the result of things going well. that's the way women function, but you want to drink. you don't want to be on the same page with me. I love you, but what can we do about this?"
Then, silence.
I've told him over and over, my concerns about the drinking. He says that I have to trust him, that he's working on it. However, in the year we've been together, I don't know if I've ever known him sober, because he drinks everyday. changed from beer to wine and his tolerance is so high, I can't tell until evening that he's drunk. He refuses AA; says he doesn't need them.
Last we spoke, he was trying to be critical of me. I think it was a way to deflect from his drinking. After a moment like this, he becomes loving and caring again. Then I miss him, again.
I'm trying to be strong. Did I say the right thing? I don't trust myself anymore.
Truth is, I miss him. I don't want to lose him, but I can't ignore this. I'm so torn and feel so sad.
I want harmony in my life so badly and I just want to see the positives, but his drinking never improves.
He txt me "I miss you. can I see you this weekend?" I said, "I miss you too, but we have problems and you know what they are." He said, "yes. I know. no sex and wine". I said, "your thinking is backwards. sex is the result of things going well. that's the way women function, but you want to drink. you don't want to be on the same page with me. I love you, but what can we do about this?"
Then, silence.
I've told him over and over, my concerns about the drinking. He says that I have to trust him, that he's working on it. However, in the year we've been together, I don't know if I've ever known him sober, because he drinks everyday. changed from beer to wine and his tolerance is so high, I can't tell until evening that he's drunk. He refuses AA; says he doesn't need them.
Last we spoke, he was trying to be critical of me. I think it was a way to deflect from his drinking. After a moment like this, he becomes loving and caring again. Then I miss him, again.
I'm trying to be strong. Did I say the right thing? I don't trust myself anymore.
Truth is, I miss him. I don't want to lose him, but I can't ignore this. I'm so torn and feel so sad.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Last we spoke, he was trying to be critical of me. I think it was a way to deflect from his drinking.
You're right.
I've told him over and over, my concerns about the drinking. He says that I have to trust him, that he's working on it. However, in the year we've been together, I don't know if I've ever known him sober, because he drinks everyday. changed from beer to wine and his tolerance is so high, I can't tell until evening that he's drunk. He refuses AA; says he doesn't need them.
He's ignoring your concerns because he doesn't want to have to stop drinking. Someone who drinks every day and is building up a tolerance has a real problem. A problem that nobody else can fix for them.
Truth is, I miss him. I don't want to lose him,
Is it really him that you miss? And what exactly are you losing? An alcoholic who ignores your needs and thinks only of gratifying himself? Someone who lies to you and would rather drink than be in a meaningful adult relationship? I think you're afraid of being alone, and that this isn't really about "him" or your "relationship", but about you not wanting to be alone.
you want to drink. you don't want to be on the same page with me. I love you, but what can we do about this?
So the only way you two can stay together is if one of you completely changes. Either you can accept his drinking and go along with whatever horrible behavior results, or he has to stop drinking forever and turn into the man you want him to be. I'm missing the "we" in this picture. There's you, and there's him. You don't have any lasting ties to him like kids or real estate, why not block his texts and go out with some other friends this weekend? Live your life.
Apologies if this sound harsh, but nothing you do or say is going to make this a workable relationship. I know it hurts, but cutting your losses now is going to be less painful than letting things drag on.
You're right.
I've told him over and over, my concerns about the drinking. He says that I have to trust him, that he's working on it. However, in the year we've been together, I don't know if I've ever known him sober, because he drinks everyday. changed from beer to wine and his tolerance is so high, I can't tell until evening that he's drunk. He refuses AA; says he doesn't need them.
He's ignoring your concerns because he doesn't want to have to stop drinking. Someone who drinks every day and is building up a tolerance has a real problem. A problem that nobody else can fix for them.
Truth is, I miss him. I don't want to lose him,
Is it really him that you miss? And what exactly are you losing? An alcoholic who ignores your needs and thinks only of gratifying himself? Someone who lies to you and would rather drink than be in a meaningful adult relationship? I think you're afraid of being alone, and that this isn't really about "him" or your "relationship", but about you not wanting to be alone.
you want to drink. you don't want to be on the same page with me. I love you, but what can we do about this?
So the only way you two can stay together is if one of you completely changes. Either you can accept his drinking and go along with whatever horrible behavior results, or he has to stop drinking forever and turn into the man you want him to be. I'm missing the "we" in this picture. There's you, and there's him. You don't have any lasting ties to him like kids or real estate, why not block his texts and go out with some other friends this weekend? Live your life.
Apologies if this sound harsh, but nothing you do or say is going to make this a workable relationship. I know it hurts, but cutting your losses now is going to be less painful than letting things drag on.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Having a boundary can be a painful growing experience. Of course you miss him. But what exactly do you miss? The relationship as it WAS or what you think it could BE if he did not drink? Is there a part of you afraid of abandonment or never finding love with someone better? Is this the best you think you can do? Do you like the drama?
If you miss the relationship as it WAS - break your boundary and see him this weekend. It is absolutely your choice Carmen.
If you miss the relationship as it WAS - break your boundary and see him this weekend. It is absolutely your choice Carmen.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
I am not sure if there is a phrase in any language that is "right." One of the problems I have dealt with is trying to find not only the "right" thing to say but also the "right" time to say it. Its like I believe there is a preordained time and place where everything will be lined up perfectly and if I say just the right thing I can save something and my true feelings will be heard. I would wait and wait and wait. The time would not come, so I would get angry and then open my mouth...which would lead to words with anger. From my personal experience when I wait and then get angry I am not living in the moment, I am living in my head. The moment is where my personal higher power wants me to be. In fact when I am not in the moment, I am getting in the way of my higher power assuming I know more than it.
You are human, you have been hurt and you are being way too hard on yourself.
You are human, you have been hurt and you are being way too hard on yourself.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by carmen220 
I don't want to hurt on insult him, because I love him.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Hi Carmen, Happy Friday!
He does not want to stop drinking. You are not happy in the relationship because he does not want to stop drinking. IMHO you need to go no contact. No texts. You are playing a game I played for years. I wanted a different response form XAB every time I threw a text his way. I never got the answer I wanted. You are going to be in constant turmoil if you keep this up. I was and it sucked. Let him go , work on you , and one day you will find someone whose life does not revolve around drinking. Wouldn't that be nice??
He does not want to stop drinking. You are not happy in the relationship because he does not want to stop drinking. IMHO you need to go no contact. No texts. You are playing a game I played for years. I wanted a different response form XAB every time I threw a text his way. I never got the answer I wanted. You are going to be in constant turmoil if you keep this up. I was and it sucked. Let him go , work on you , and one day you will find someone whose life does not revolve around drinking. Wouldn't that be nice??
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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because i love him should NEVER be used as an excuse...i can't stand up for myself because i love him....i don't want to "hurt" him because i love him.
you spoke your truth. you don't like it when he drinks. PERIOD. this has been stated numerous times now. AND HE STILL DRINKS. and says YOU are the one with the problem. he drinks EVERY day. he says NO to AA. he says HE does not have an issue with alcohol.
THAT is who he is. and it's not working for you. in the past after a little tiff he'd try to the "oh baby baby" approach and you'd swoon, but nothing would change. THIS time he's not doing that...you aren't getting your FIX...he's not chasing after you. you said NO. he said nothing.
nothing we say from our own truth can hurt others UNLESS they let it hurt. he's pulled away now and it's driving you crazy. you want him back and at least pretending like he cares.
what kind of a relationship is that? to be blunt, his i miss you can i see you? text really said - can you get over the fact that i drink and can we have sex please?
surely you deserve to be appreciated in total for all that you ARE and whomever you are with deserves no less.
you spoke your truth. you don't like it when he drinks. PERIOD. this has been stated numerous times now. AND HE STILL DRINKS. and says YOU are the one with the problem. he drinks EVERY day. he says NO to AA. he says HE does not have an issue with alcohol.
THAT is who he is. and it's not working for you. in the past after a little tiff he'd try to the "oh baby baby" approach and you'd swoon, but nothing would change. THIS time he's not doing that...you aren't getting your FIX...he's not chasing after you. you said NO. he said nothing.
nothing we say from our own truth can hurt others UNLESS they let it hurt. he's pulled away now and it's driving you crazy. you want him back and at least pretending like he cares.
what kind of a relationship is that? to be blunt, his i miss you can i see you? text really said - can you get over the fact that i drink and can we have sex please?
surely you deserve to be appreciated in total for all that you ARE and whomever you are with deserves no less.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Hi there Carmen, big hugs to you, it's so hard to make the changes.
There is really no right or wrong. You did your best to express your feelings, remind yourself that you said it clearly, no need to revisit it again. Done. Keep taking those baby steps, they add up. Yep, you love him, yep you miss him, yep it's very sad and you hate hurting and you hate the thought of him hurting. OK now what? Your choice. Either way YOU NEED TO KEEP WORKING ON YOU. Take a step back and look at the whole situation from the outside when it gets hard and you feel stuck. Imagine, if you will, that you see a man slapping a women in the face then hugging her over and over and over. The woman doesn't do anything to get out of his way, she just stands there as if she's rooted to the spot. What would you do to help THAT WOMAN. Now I want you to think about that and what YOU can do for YOU.
There is really no right or wrong. You did your best to express your feelings, remind yourself that you said it clearly, no need to revisit it again. Done. Keep taking those baby steps, they add up. Yep, you love him, yep you miss him, yep it's very sad and you hate hurting and you hate the thought of him hurting. OK now what? Your choice. Either way YOU NEED TO KEEP WORKING ON YOU. Take a step back and look at the whole situation from the outside when it gets hard and you feel stuck. Imagine, if you will, that you see a man slapping a women in the face then hugging her over and over and over. The woman doesn't do anything to get out of his way, she just stands there as if she's rooted to the spot. What would you do to help THAT WOMAN. Now I want you to think about that and what YOU can do for YOU.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by carmen220
I don't want to hurt on insult him, because I love him.
I pray that you can learn to not feel guilty about something you have no control over. Alcoholism is not an illness that can be fixed with a bandaid and a kiss, or visit to the doctor. Not all the love and affection in the world can heal it. When I started to educate myself about alcoholism, it helped me to separate the man I loved from the disease I grew to hate. His ability to reason and give love the way I expected him to was severely impaired by the disease. Active alcoholics can't love us the way we want them to because their brains aren't capable of processing emotions in a sound, healthy way. Not because we didn't love them enough.
My xabf loved that I loved him and that I believed in him. He fought hard to beat the illness, and gave it a good fight more than once. I gave it my all for over 5 years. Relapses won, one too many times, and I finally stepped away for good. I didn't want to lose myself to the disease. I couldn't count on him to give me what I needed and deserved, and deep down I wasn't happy. It doesn't mean I quit loving him. I still do, from a distance, always will. I pray for him every day. But I'm okay without him, I'm at peace without him, I'm happy without him, I am myself and honoring myself again. It feels amazingly good to have myself back again. Hugs to you, Carmen. Don't be afraid start asking yourself what's best for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Thanks guys. He did respond. He said, "I love you so much. we will talk soon. we can fix this. I know we can ." One part of me is relieved that it's a positive response; another part of me is thinking, how? Is it more of a delay to getting no where?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I usto feel just this exact way. Stick around, it changes, I promise. Your feelings I mean. As his alcoholism progresses you become more of a caregiver and the resentments grow. You get married thinking it will fix it, it gets worse, the resentments grow. You have children, it hurts them and you love them more than anything in the world...the resentments fly off the chart and all of a sudden you sit back and are wondering what the hell happened to the person you "loved." Keep in mind, you love who he is not drinking. As the drinking progresses he will not be that same person.
Take what you want and leave the rest. We cannot form boundaries for you. You can only decide what you want for yourself and go from there. I am not trying to be harsh, I just think sometimes a good dose of reality is due.
God Bless.
Take what you want and leave the rest. We cannot form boundaries for you. You can only decide what you want for yourself and go from there. I am not trying to be harsh, I just think sometimes a good dose of reality is due.
God Bless.
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Originally Posted by carmen220
Thanks guys. He did respond. He said, "I love you so much. we will talk soon. we can fix this. I know we can ." One part of me is relieved that it's a positive response; another part of me is thinking, how? Is it more of a delay to getting no where?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Originally Posted by carmen220
Thanks guys. He did respond. He said, "I love you so much. we will talk soon. we can fix this. I know we can ." One part of me is relieved that it's a positive response; another part of me is thinking, how? Is it more of a delay to getting no where?
Living with empty promises and empty bottles is soooooooo.... romantic.
You don't want to hurt him but you'll let the drunk hurt you emotionally and spiritually. Get a hold of yourself and stand up for yourself or grab a shovel and jump on in.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Well I'm not sure what you miss and want. You said you've never seen him sober. How does that work? It's not like he was one person then became another. He has always been a drunk. You know what you have to do. Do it now or do it after you have three kids and a mortgage.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Carmen220---so often in life---in order to survive and THRIVE--we have to endure short-term pain to achieve long-term gain. It is also a cardinal signal of emotional maturity to be able to do so.
Just a tough life reality for all of us. sorry.......
dandylion
Just a tough life reality for all of us. sorry.......
dandylion
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You want harmony in your life? Then what are you doing with an active alcoholic? Do you trust and respect him? If the answer isn't yes then I perhaps it's time to let go and create a life for yourself that is harmonious. You can have that, but not with an alcoholic in the picture.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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A relationship with an alcoholic is a merry-go-round in the center of hell. There's nothing harmonious about that.
He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You take this --WHAT HE IS-- and accept it, warts and all, or you will always be miserable. You will go around in circles endlessly with broken promises, "I-love-you-baby-dont-leave-me", "This is all your fault", "If you didn't do xyz, then I wouldn't drink", etc., ad nauseum. This doesn't get better unless HE decides he has a problem and seeks help. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so this is as good as it's ever going to get, as long as he's drinking. You deserve so much better than this special brand of abuse.
He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You take this --WHAT HE IS-- and accept it, warts and all, or you will always be miserable. You will go around in circles endlessly with broken promises, "I-love-you-baby-dont-leave-me", "This is all your fault", "If you didn't do xyz, then I wouldn't drink", etc., ad nauseum. This doesn't get better unless HE decides he has a problem and seeks help. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so this is as good as it's ever going to get, as long as he's drinking. You deserve so much better than this special brand of abuse.
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