firebolt

It's a progressive disease. Yep. He proves me wrong over and over when I think - "he's not that bad, or he doesn't have all those symptoms."

He came home raging, after talking to him on the phone 10 minutes earlier and everything was fine. Slamming doors, throwing things around. Wow. I asked him what was wrong and he yelled "I'm just trying to get sh!t done." I was watching tv when this happened, and it was a clear jab at that. Soo..

I left to go to the gym. The high school bb team was there and every piece of equipment was taken. So I left and called 4 different friends to see if I could go hang out there....all were busy. So I went back home.

I asked him what was really wrong, and nutty excuse after nutty excuse to be mad at me came out. I called him on that, and then i went into the bedroom - a pretty typical hiding place for me lately since I don't want to hang out with him when he drinks.

We ended up talking for 5 minutes, then he went to 12 year old crazy train quacking blame shifter mode again and I went to bed and called it a night.

Today, I am doing my best not to dwell on a completely pointless and unproductive drunken argument that should have been a civil and loving conversation. Today I will do my best to stay away from him and not cycle back to it again. Today I will do my best to take care of myself. I did ok last night - not engaging too much in the crazy. I think I'm making progress? I year ago, I would have flown off the handle, called him crazy and all sorts of other fun things, and not talked to him for 5 days. This is progress...right?!

He keeps showing me who he is - when will I finally listen?! I give so much more than that. I deserve so much more than that. I'm trying to go easy on myself today, but I am damn disappointed in myself for making the decisions that lead me here. I am having a hard time not dwelling on that.

Thanks for being here all - not sure where I'd be today without the information and support here.

FireSprite

Reads like progress to me! And you sound pretty grounded & calm about it all this morning... another GREAT sign.

I can only handle King Baby episodes by staying quiet, not engaging & walking away as often as possible until it passes.

Hang in there!!

HikerLady

Hi there Firebolt, big hugs for you today. Great progress! I think most of us do have a problem not beating ourselves up a bit over the decisions we make, it's sorta normal isn't it? As for dwelling on it, I got around that one eventually by realizing I was being pretty dern hard on myself for not being perfect enough....not even close....what I am, is perfectly imperfect like everyone else and poof, it struck me that my dwelling on it was basically non-acceptance of the fact that I wasn't perfect and didn't always make the right choices. Not sure if it's the same for you, but it certainly helped me accept myself as is, as well as learn and practice living a more humble life.

firebolt

Thanks guys. HL you're right. I am beating myself up for being imperfect. It's so hard to accept that I've put myself in this lose lose situation. I'll try to associate that it's just our imperfect nature today. Thank you.

hopeful4

Girl...you have made HUGE progress!!

I don't know about you, but I can remember when my AH would drink in the old days, I would stand there like an idiot and try to converse w/him about it and fight w/him about it and everything else. I don't do that anymore....it's progress. My progress.

No only did you not engage, you went to make an effort to do something for yourself. You went to the gym (although unsuccessful), it was the action itself. You were internally saying, "Nope" and walking away to take care of YOU.

Big Hugs. I know addictions sucks, but you my friend are awesome.

dandylion

firebolt---you can grow very old waiting for history to change.

Might as well look forward...rather than backward.

dandylion

firebolt

Thanks hopeful. Someone in here said "remember, you aren't talking to a person, you are attempting to talk to an addiction that's only concern is to protect itself above all else and at all costs." Ugg...no truer painful words have ever been spoken. That simple sentence has helped me soo much.