Wife of a HFA

Old 02-27-2014, 08:08 AM
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Wife of a HFA

Any help at all would be awesome. I don't know what to do.
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Old 02-27-2014, 08:19 AM
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Welcome,

What kind of hellp are you looking for? Maybe if you explained a little about what's been going on and what you'd like to do about it.
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Old 02-27-2014, 08:37 AM
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I too am the wife of a HFA. One thing that helped me was to educate myself on the disease of alcoholism. Read, read, read all that you can about it. I realized HFA (high functioning alcoholic) is just a stage. It doesn't last and eventually the person becomes less and less functioning as the disease progresses. No one can predict when that will happen but for all alcoholics, if untreated it will get worse.

That being said you found the right place. All of us here have someone we love that has the same disease. You will find great knowledge and support here. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to join Al-anon and get to a meeting in your area.

Welcome, and feel free to share about your life and questions younhave whenever you are ready.
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Old 02-27-2014, 08:54 AM
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Jenni I don't know how much you've read around the site, but one of the things I learned here when I first started reading was that "High-Functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, it's a stage. The disease is progressive. How the alcoholic is today, if they do not choose to seek recovery, is the best they will ever be.

The good news is, you are here, you found this place, and you want to know more. If you look through the "Sticky" posts at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum page, you will find a wealth of experience, strength, and hope as you learn more about what you are dealing with.

This community is here to support you as you decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Please keep posting, and welcome.
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Old 02-27-2014, 11:23 AM
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Not knowing much about your journey, I'd like to say WELCOME! You'll find lots of help here.

What people say is true. It is a progressive disease. I thought mine would stay HF forever, that he was a "better" alcoholic than others. Ha ha...that was foolish of me. It's all one disease. If you posted here, then in some way you're concerned, or something is bothering you. And you're not crazy for feeling it.

For many years I stifled that feeling because he could down first one glass, then in later years glass after glass of hard liquor each night, then be at the gym and to work before I even felt like getting out of bed. How could there be a real problem? I felt stupid trying to call it out, because other than the consumption, where was the proof? And when I tried to discuss it he'd point to the fact that he never had issues getting to work, etc. I'd have even felt ridiculous posting on this board. No...I'm not like these people whose posts I read. (I should have posted, by the way. It would have really helped me.)

It felt like everything with alcoholism, and all the literature I could find, was geared at someone other than who I was living with. It fueled denial for both of us. Eventually he admitted HFA, but the HF part meant it wasn't "real" and didn't need help--it was under control.

For me, in hindsight, the "proof" of it being a problem was in his deteriorating attitude toward me as time passed, his addiction secretly worsened, and his guilt, secrets, and shame grew. It was slow and subtle, and I didn't know it for a long time...probably until he wasn't really HF anymore.

One book I found particularly helpful during that time was "Understanding the High Functioning Alcoholic" by Sarah Allen Benton. It's the only place I felt someone truly understood the HF aspect, yet coupled it with warnings of what's to come if you don't act. (I still didn't truly believe the warnings, but I can tell you that in my case, the deterioration, once it started to crumble, was FAST. Some people can avert that before it happens through honest work on it, but it's a serious commitment.)

As others have said, read, read, read. This is a progressive disease. The HF years are like one or two acts in the entire play. Actions (his and yours) determine the endings from here. Reading and learning will help you figure out what to do.

Take care of yourself. This is a great community if you choose to keep posting. Hugs.
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Old 02-27-2014, 11:31 AM
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Hello and welcome! I agree, read, read, and read some more. Open up and get support for yourself.

We are glad you found us. This is a place of great support and helps you explore your own situations via other people in similar situations.

Keep posting and reading...you are not alone!

PS...I just started with a therapist who helps families in dealing with alcoholics. For a long time I wondered if my HFA was even an A at all. The other night I said he is more of a binge drinker. The therapist looked at me and just said, "That's another word for alcoholic. No matter what it looks like, no matter what you want to call it, HFA, Binge Drinker, etc...it all leads to the same thing, alcoholism."
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:22 PM
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I became a member of this website this morning in hopes of finding someone that could help me. I have never met a group of people that are more kind, generous and sensitive but honest. I feel hopeless and lost. I am raising four children 2, 9,11,13. My husband is an HFA, which I am still in denial about myself sometimes. We have always had a wonderful relationship but when our two year old was born I had pretty bad postpartum and he always blamed himself because he says all he wants in life is my happiness and I was so miserable and depressed, I have since then been able to try and manage the feelings and emotions. He has always been a drinker but has always managed it very well, so well that up to this point I shrugged off the fact that he even had a problem. His drinking became more aware to me when he began wetting the bed occasionally, I would always clean it up and not one word was ever said about it. I would be soaked and he would seem ashamed but never say a word, but neither did I. Lately he's been drinking 5-6 vodka drinks a night. He acts ridiculous in front of the kids, starting arguments about my happiness.

He received a DUI about 3years ago and has neglected to take the required classes until now to get his license back. Of course I set them up bc he is at work so much. He lied at the assessment and said he only drinks when we go to dinner every couple weeks. His first class was today and although he was receptive he acted like it really didn't pertain to him or our family. He has a lot of anxiety and has claimed the drinking mellows it.

We are also catholic and his father was an alcoholic and died from it. Death Anniversary is March 3rd and on March 5th lent starts (a tradition in the catholic faith where u sacrifice something until Easter). My husband is giving up alcohol except for wine. Really?, is all I can say about that. I've tried to gently bring up side topics that would imply that I might think there is a problem but every time they are quickly diverted with an angry face from him or a reason as to why he is behaving or acting a certain way.

I'm sure at this point everything is confusing but any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
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Old 02-27-2014, 12:51 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story. It has to be hard to type it out and it is hard to face. It sounds like he is in quite a bit of denial about his alcoholism, or at least he is making you think he is. I understand, I know what it is like to walk on eggshells and be upset b/c they are acting like a nut and playing w/the kids when they have had a couple and be all upset and grouchy the next. What I have found out recently is just how much that behavior affects the kids. I encourage you to talk to the older ones and reach out and make sure they can open up to you about it.

Do you have an Alanon or better yet a Celebrate Recovery anywhere near you? You will find CR at churches, it is alot like Alanon and has helped me immensely. Many of them also have programs/childcare for children in all of your children's age ranges.

I wish I knew all the answers. All I can offer you is support, encouragement, and my prayers. I just signed up for therapy and think it is going to really help, it did even after one session. I know I can only change myself, so that is what I am working with.

God Bless!
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Old 02-27-2014, 01:07 PM
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The hardest part for me is that he is my BFF and i feel like in order for our family to get thru this I have to be a different me towards him. I can't be nice Jenn anymore. I hate to treat him that way he works very hard for our family and he is an amazing kind, loving person and father when he is not drinking. I AM SO SCARED TO TELL HIM HOW I FEEL. I am so scared of what he'll say. It's going to be my fault and I won't know how to respond. Every time we try to talk I get lost not sure what to say when he says these things to me. "All I do is work and when I get one day off we do this, all I ever want is for u to be happy and ur not. What do I have to do to make happy?"
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Old 02-27-2014, 01:10 PM
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I'm glad you found this site. I'm sorry you're dealing with this addiction, but there is hope for you. We learn the 3 C's early on: we didn't Cause this disease, we can't Cure it, and we can't Control it. Your husband doesn't drink because of a difficult post-partum, your happiness, his Dad's anniversary, anxiety, etc etc etc. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. But it's easier to project on others than accept responsibility.

As has been already stated, this is a progressive disease. The fact that he's losing control of his bladder when sleeping means he's not that high functioning. We learn that it's really important to not interfere in their path. Let them experience the consequences of their addiction. As long as we take care of things for them, we help them avoid the very consequence that may lead them to recovery. Let him change the sheets when he urinates, let him schedule his classes. Don't lie for him, don't cover up.

Find an AlAnon meeting near you. It's suggested you try at least 6 classes before deciding if it's for you or not. There is a tremendous amount of understanding and support in those rooms. Many have babysitting. You can't do anything about your husband's drinking, but you can find help for yourself in dealing with it.

Keep posting...we're here for you.
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Old 02-27-2014, 01:16 PM
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You took the first step in reaching out for support.
It has taken me months to really figure out what is going on in my relationship. I knew there was something wrong but I thought it was all me. Now, that I know what it's called, I can no longer live in denial and I have to deal with my part of it. My kids are 14 and 11 and see what dad is doing and its not ok for me or them. I don't have the answers and some days are pretty dark. But I wake up each day and take each moment as it comes, no matter what. I am putting my needs (still figuring those out) and my kids needs first.....that is a peaceful and safe environment, no matter what.

Prayers to you and your family.
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Old 02-27-2014, 01:42 PM
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You are not to blame. Speak w/him when he is sober and in a mode to listen. You must be honest.

It is small baby steps, but never ever blame yourself, no matter what.
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:28 AM
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My husband came home for work last night. I was lying in bed while listening to him get the ice for his first drink of the day. I then realized I had left the iPad in the kitchen. Sometimes he'll get on it an look at the news after work, but I had been on it all day on this website I really didn't need him finding that. I got up and went into the kitchen, he came over and game me a big hug and I just leaned into him feeling so alone as if I was hugging a stranger. He said baby what's wrong, why are you so sad? I said, do you really wanna know? As I'm starting to cry and scared to death inside, he's said yes I never want u sad. I grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes and said, your drinking is affecting our family. OH my what a relief, I stayed in his arms for another 10 min or so while he hugged me and said I drink when I'm stressed out, I have been drinking in excess lately. He said he was so worried that I was gonna tell him I was falling out of love with him. I of course am not. He asked me if I wanted him to stop drinking altogether and I said I think it's a good idea if we leave this here tonite and we'll give oturselves some time to think and we will talk again soon after we've had some sleep. By he time I had come into the kitchen initially, he had already made that first drink and downed half of it b 4 we talked. I don't believe he even finished that drink. And by my measurements on his vodka bottle he didn't drink anymore last night. I went to bed and he stayed up and watched tv for a bit b 4 coming to bed. When we awoke this morn he was lovey and seemed ok. He didn't say much at all this morn, wondering what's going thru his head. I'm sure he is having a hard time with this. But I am so proud that he was even able to say he knows he's been drinking in excess. I felt good this morn, he's opening today so he'll b home by 4-5. I'm hoping our night will b much less drama now that he knows how I feel. I might not have to babysit him. Although this could go south quick bc he just can't go without. It may only b a matter of time, and what if he starts hiding it from me? I guess that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there.

What next......?


To all of you who have been supportive and given me advice, I can't thank you enough. Becoming part of this website has been an amazing experience for me, I look forward to getting to know you guys.
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:55 AM
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Oh Jenni. Hugs from us to you as well. You showed great courage telling him how you feel. That was important for you and for your kids. If he does drink less over the next days, expect it to be really really really rocky. If he has been drinking that much, quitting quickly will be painful and difficult. Please don't feel like the world is coming to an end if he doesn't stop drinking. He may not be ready yet.
Please read about detachment and boundaries. Take care of you and take care of the kids. Support him, but try not to monitor him. For me that is the hardest thing. I became and still am too much the FBI (family bureau of investigation) and that always leads me to info I really didn't need to or want to know.
Keep coming here. There are a lot of longtime members on here that can help with their own experience, strength and hope (ESH)
Hugs
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:10 AM
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Hi Jennicole,

So glad you found us but sorry you are going through this.

What I got from your posts is this:

1) He received a DUI around 3 years ago
2) Lately he's been drinking 5-6 vodka drinks per night (that you know of)
3) He sometimes wets the bed
4) He sometimes acts ridiculous with the kids and starts arguments with you.

To me this suggests that he isn't that high functioning at the moment at all. This has to be taking its toll on you, along with the walking on eggshells you must be doing about the bed-wetting.

I put these things out there in stark relief, because it sounds like you are doubting your right to be concerned, and wondering if you are overreacting. You do deserve better.

You didn't cause this to escalate. It isn't about him "making you happy." Don't let him take it off on a tangent. But be prepared for him to distort whatever you say. He may initially be willing to consider some solutions to his drinking to please or placate you, but be prepared for backsliding on this.

Hope you will keep on posting...
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Old 03-01-2014, 06:40 AM
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So after our break through on Thursday night I was very optimistic about things even though I was very aware that it could all be talk. He worked Friday and I was a nervous wreck for him to come home bc he only had half a drink on Thursday night when we talked so I knew he would need a drink Friday after work.
He walked in the door Friday with that look on his face (rough day and acted a bit frustrated from time to time towards me n kids ) I decided it was best to follow his lead with how the mood was going to be. He was nice and sweet to kids. I told him he was an adult and can make his own choices and that I loved him I just didn't like who he became after he drank. He shook his head and said if I don't drink I'm not gonna curl up n start shaking ( not the first time he's said that). I'm a little skeptical about that. We ordered pizza ( he went to go get it) we watched a movie with kids and went to bed. No drink that I saw and attitude was very quiet but pleasant. Maybe he was thinking and trying to overcome the urge to drink? I did everything in my power to make sure things were calm and not to crazy so he wouldn't want to drink more. Don't know if that helped or if I'm just babying him. He has his second Dui class today, for those of you who know my story. He is also off today and there is a game on for our team so I'm sure that will be another hurdle for him if he is still trying not to drink.

I'm just moving moment to moment here, scared and excited that he can do this and hopefully eventually will. I do not own rose colored glasses lol. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. And yes I did consider that he could've drank b 4 coming home and when picking up the pizza but his behavior seemed ok to me.



Thank you all again for the support and love I have felt coming to this place to share my drama. all of you and your lives that you have shared with me are in my thoughts and prayers each day.
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Old 03-01-2014, 07:19 AM
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I'm glad you had a good night Jenni;

One thing that often happens with family members is that they buy alcohol when they go out to get the take out, pizza, etc.
and buy the alcohol, consuming it before coming home.

I'm not saying he did that, but many many family members do.

I think it is great you have started talking with him about this, but be aware he may just take the drinking more "underground" by hiding it from you.
His intentions may be to not upset you, but the underlying problem would still be there if that is the case.

Take care and please keep posting.
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Old 03-01-2014, 05:23 PM
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I did everything in my power to make sure things were calm and not to crazy so he wouldn't want to drink more.

You can't control whether he is going to drink or not. I was the same way, trying to make sure everything was perfect so he wouldn't have a "reason" to drink. Of course he drank anyway, because he is an alcoholic, not because I burned dinner or the kids were fighting over the TV or the dog barked at him or the car broke down or it was a full moon (yes, really) or any of the other cockamamie excuses he made for drinking.
We didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
I second other's advice about Celebrate Recovery or Alanon for you. It really will help you to understand the nature of the disease of alcoholism.
I'm sorry for what brought you here, but you're welcome and I'm glad you're reaching out for support.
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Old 03-04-2014, 11:40 AM
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Sorry, I'm jumping into this conversation. this happened with my husband a couple years ago and of course i washed the sheets.. he was so humiliated and i coddled him to make him feel better because he kept saying how he felt like he was a little boy because little boys do that, not men. I tried to be really understanding and not emasculate him further. It only happened those two times. Are you suggesting if it happens again (god forbid :/) then I should not be so nice about it?

Originally Posted by Recovering2 View Post
I'm glad you found this site. I'm sorry you're dealing with this addiction, but there is hope for you. We learn the 3 C's early on: we didn't Cause this disease, we can't Cure it, and we can't Control it. Your husband doesn't drink because of a difficult post-partum, your happiness, his Dad's anniversary, anxiety, etc etc etc. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. But it's easier to project on others than accept responsibility.

As has been already stated, this is a progressive disease. The fact that he's losing control of his bladder when sleeping means he's not that high functioning. We learn that it's really important to not interfere in their path. Let them experience the consequences of their addiction. As long as we take care of things for them, we help them avoid the very consequence that may lead them to recovery. Let him change the sheets when he urinates, let him schedule his classes. Don't lie for him, don't cover up.

Find an AlAnon meeting near you. It's suggested you try at least 6 classes before deciding if it's for you or not. There is a tremendous amount of understanding and support in those rooms. Many have babysitting. You can't do anything about your husband's drinking, but you can find help for yourself in dealing with it.

Keep posting...we're here for you.
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Old 03-04-2014, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by helpinghealing View Post
Sorry, I'm jumping into this conversation. this happened with my husband a couple years ago and of course i washed the sheets.. he was so humiliated and i coddled him to make him feel better because he kept saying how he felt like he was a little boy because little boys do that, not men. I tried to be really understanding and not emasculate him further. It only happened those two times. Are you suggesting if it happens again (god forbid :/) then I should not be so nice about it?
Now, I'm jumping into conversations I wasn't part of, lol. I wouldn't be mean about it but he isn't a little boy who had an accident. Nor is he a man with a physical condition that prevents him from making it to the bathroom timely (such as stroke, paralysis, etc.) He's an adult male who was so incapacitated by the quantity of alcohol that he drank, that he was unable to control his bladder. Or, realize that it happened. Huge difference. I would leave him to clean up the sheets. Honestly? If it happened more than once or twice, I'd probably move into a spare bedroom. No way would I sleep in that!
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