My Recovery - Therapy
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My Recovery - Therapy
Went to therapy last night. I sat in my car a few minutes thinking about my conversation with a good friend earlier in the day. It is becoming clearer to me that I am doing a lot better on my recovery. I am coming to a point where I cannot overcome my H's emotional withdrawal if he is unwilling to work on our marriage. My emotional needs have always come second in my marriage. My H may be sober, but so far he continues to decline to reach out and rebuild communication and intimacy. Whatever issues within him that force him to isolate himself are still there whether he drinks or not.
So I jammed my half marathon medal in my purse and went inside. Therapist totally took my above self discovery and hammered it home. Throughout session he pointed out I was NOT acting codependent, I was expecting normal things. I was reaching out again and again and getting rebuffed. We talked pretty openly about the dangers of being lonely when you are with someone versus the dangers of living alone with loneliness. We talked about my risk level of having an affair, separating and yes even the D word. T told me I was smart and conscientious, and was being assertive appropriately. He told me I could do better. I really should tape him saying this to me.
Now at the witching hour I am sitting on this new couch thinking about my progress. Tonight I am not afraid. I am putting myself in my HPs pocket. I've learned so much here on SR in these past months. I really am grateful for everyone sharing their stories so openly.
So I jammed my half marathon medal in my purse and went inside. Therapist totally took my above self discovery and hammered it home. Throughout session he pointed out I was NOT acting codependent, I was expecting normal things. I was reaching out again and again and getting rebuffed. We talked pretty openly about the dangers of being lonely when you are with someone versus the dangers of living alone with loneliness. We talked about my risk level of having an affair, separating and yes even the D word. T told me I was smart and conscientious, and was being assertive appropriately. He told me I could do better. I really should tape him saying this to me.
Now at the witching hour I am sitting on this new couch thinking about my progress. Tonight I am not afraid. I am putting myself in my HPs pocket. I've learned so much here on SR in these past months. I really am grateful for everyone sharing their stories so openly.
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So this morning I spoke to RAH & gave him a choice. He could tell me the date of his one year anniversary OR he could cuddle with me. Doesn't sound like too bad of a deal right? Well he refused to choose and dragged all sorts of other issues in an attempt to mask the fact he is unwilling. "Why are you always focused on this alcoholism stuff? I'm not." I just kept calmly circling back to the choice he had. "Don't you know what a man is like when he loses his job?!" He never did pick - even later in a text. Instead of beating my head against his walls or taking it personally I am just writing it here as a record that I tried to show I cared and reached out - again.
This was actually a watered down request compared to what T wanted me to make. I'll guess I'll hold that one in reserve for a bit as clearly he isn't down for that (ha ha)...and it would make me blush.
But I am at work having a good day. My usual focus issues, but I am trying my best.
This was actually a watered down request compared to what T wanted me to make. I'll guess I'll hold that one in reserve for a bit as clearly he isn't down for that (ha ha)...and it would make me blush.
But I am at work having a good day. My usual focus issues, but I am trying my best.
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CJ - I am really sorry this is all becoming such an insurmountable issue for your RAH. It really doesn't sound like you are asking for any more than any other "normal" wife. I'm sorry he keeps pushing you away, I'm positive that doesn't feel too great to you. 
Thank you for this simple statement.
Although completely unrelated in nature, RAH & I were butting heads this morning over silly, mundane crap. I *hate* arguing about silly, mundane crap because it's such a waste of time when 2 grown adults should be able to communicate better than that.
Reading this statement was like a Reality Slap - I was giving him too much leeway due to his recovery/addiction issues but what I was asking for was normal & basic in terms of household duties & respect. Not everything is a Codie/Addict issue.
When I read this statement it was like a lightbulb moment & I was able to orgnanize my thoughts, call RAH back, apologize for snapping off but then articulate my argument much more clearly, talk it through without raised voices & go on with my day without the emotional spillover from the argument ruining it. Thank you for sharing!!
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Throughout session he pointed out I was NOT acting codependent, I was expecting normal things.
Although completely unrelated in nature, RAH & I were butting heads this morning over silly, mundane crap. I *hate* arguing about silly, mundane crap because it's such a waste of time when 2 grown adults should be able to communicate better than that.
Reading this statement was like a Reality Slap - I was giving him too much leeway due to his recovery/addiction issues but what I was asking for was normal & basic in terms of household duties & respect. Not everything is a Codie/Addict issue.
When I read this statement it was like a lightbulb moment & I was able to orgnanize my thoughts, call RAH back, apologize for snapping off but then articulate my argument much more clearly, talk it through without raised voices & go on with my day without the emotional spillover from the argument ruining it. Thank you for sharing!!
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Code Job,
I feel for you. What a crappy situation.
Why did you ask ah his anniversary date? Do you not know it? Want to know it? I don't see how that ties in to sex/cuddling. If you brought up two things that he is uncomfortable with and then asked him to choose which one to take action on, I can see him not giving you a positive reaction. I would not have given in either. Why not pick one major topic to discuss or ask him to take action on rather than two separate issues at once.
It sounds like the problem you are most concerned with is the no sex thing. I understand and would be unhappy living like that. What about talking directly about your sexual needs and that it has been so long you need, something. If he is unwilling, then what about talking about an open relationship (if you don't want to leave him). You get you needs met elsewhere and it is not a concern of his. But, you give him the choice about where you get your needs met, at home or around. I do not think it is healthy to hold someone hostage in a marriage using sex, or anything else.
I feel for you. What a crappy situation.
Why did you ask ah his anniversary date? Do you not know it? Want to know it? I don't see how that ties in to sex/cuddling. If you brought up two things that he is uncomfortable with and then asked him to choose which one to take action on, I can see him not giving you a positive reaction. I would not have given in either. Why not pick one major topic to discuss or ask him to take action on rather than two separate issues at once.
It sounds like the problem you are most concerned with is the no sex thing. I understand and would be unhappy living like that. What about talking directly about your sexual needs and that it has been so long you need, something. If he is unwilling, then what about talking about an open relationship (if you don't want to leave him). You get you needs met elsewhere and it is not a concern of his. But, you give him the choice about where you get your needs met, at home or around. I do not think it is healthy to hold someone hostage in a marriage using sex, or anything else.
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Conversation !
Finally got some meaningful conversation out of RAH tonight. He did tell me his sober date which made me grateful. It is a marker, much nicer date to focus on than day I tried to get him inpatient the first time or day I changed the locks. Miss Fixit, I had kicked My H out and he went to rehab out of state so I only had a general idea of his sober date. He threatened to leave rehab too so we were no contact for awhile. I felt not sharing his date with at least me was sort of an attempt to hide or bury what our family went thru last year. My RAH is sober but clearly showing some regular signs of denial. My therapist points it out to me - I get twisted and fall for the A logic so this is not solely my assessment of what is going on.
He talked a bit about not drinking and I just tried to listen. He misses it and the way he talks makes me nervous but I gave no advice. I tried to explain to him how disconnected I feel when he emotionally withdraws. He dragged his jobs into it and claimed I would not listen to him. The thing is I did listen. He even admitted I was right when I told him to start job hunting 6 months before he got RIFfed. The job reference kept going back 7 years.... But the real issue was his "propensity to drink" was out of control! I sort of let that pass other than say, "you always bring up your job when I try to talk about us - our relationship. " He made it clear I betrayed him when I kicked him out and told his family. I did not apologize because I refuse to hide the truth. I stopped enabling a long time ago and really jumped off the drama triangle when I pulled the curtains open. He cannot call himself an A but the way he talked about drinking it is so evident.
I am not high maintenance any more bc I have detached and do my own thing quite a bit. I think he misses me being around actually. I go out and take a class, travel, run. I read. I get together with friends. I don't dramatize or cry though that has never been my style. I stayed calm the entire time. So since I was doing OK I asked him why I get nothing sexually. I mean why does your faulty equipment mean I get no cuddling, no action, nothing?! He gave some stupid response and I kept at it. Lots of issues there. He tried to claim he had such a dry spell in our marriage. I said a year? So then he backed down bc he knew it was a lie. Won't make an appt with ED specialist of course. So I dropped that subject. He might think that over. But at least the topic was broached. Just verbalizing this issue and how my needs are ignored was a good start I suppose.
I asked if he was willing to go back to marital counseling to work thru things and he said no. Then instead of pushing him any further I thanked him for opening up and having a real conversation.
He talked a bit about not drinking and I just tried to listen. He misses it and the way he talks makes me nervous but I gave no advice. I tried to explain to him how disconnected I feel when he emotionally withdraws. He dragged his jobs into it and claimed I would not listen to him. The thing is I did listen. He even admitted I was right when I told him to start job hunting 6 months before he got RIFfed. The job reference kept going back 7 years.... But the real issue was his "propensity to drink" was out of control! I sort of let that pass other than say, "you always bring up your job when I try to talk about us - our relationship. " He made it clear I betrayed him when I kicked him out and told his family. I did not apologize because I refuse to hide the truth. I stopped enabling a long time ago and really jumped off the drama triangle when I pulled the curtains open. He cannot call himself an A but the way he talked about drinking it is so evident.
I am not high maintenance any more bc I have detached and do my own thing quite a bit. I think he misses me being around actually. I go out and take a class, travel, run. I read. I get together with friends. I don't dramatize or cry though that has never been my style. I stayed calm the entire time. So since I was doing OK I asked him why I get nothing sexually. I mean why does your faulty equipment mean I get no cuddling, no action, nothing?! He gave some stupid response and I kept at it. Lots of issues there. He tried to claim he had such a dry spell in our marriage. I said a year? So then he backed down bc he knew it was a lie. Won't make an appt with ED specialist of course. So I dropped that subject. He might think that over. But at least the topic was broached. Just verbalizing this issue and how my needs are ignored was a good start I suppose.
I asked if he was willing to go back to marital counseling to work thru things and he said no. Then instead of pushing him any further I thanked him for opening up and having a real conversation.
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Thank you for sharing CodeJob. Brings back memories for me especially the part about his feeling you betrayed him. I experienced that with my husband also when I asked him to move out because he didn't want to stop using. It didn't come out until he was in recovery and we were doing marriage counseling together. Im sorry your going through this, I know its tough.
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(Ladyscribbler bows down in the wake of Codejob's awesome recovery progress)
Wow. You are doing great. Love your posts. I follow, but don't really post- not much E S or H from my end, so I keep my fat codie mouth shut. But this deserves two thumbs up. Rooting for you. Best wishes.
Wow. You are doing great. Love your posts. I follow, but don't really post- not much E S or H from my end, so I keep my fat codie mouth shut. But this deserves two thumbs up. Rooting for you. Best wishes.
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Throughout session he pointed out I was NOT acting codependent, I was expecting normal things.
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I personally cannot listen to my AH talk about missing drinking or his feelings about that. That is why he has a sponsor, talk to them. It makes my anxiety go off the charts which is bad for ME. I have stopped that dead in it's tracks. Not so much b/c I don't want to support him, but me supporting him has drug my own sanity down, and I just cannot let that happen anymore.
People need a support system, but it does not/should not be the partner, we are just too close to the situation.
Good Luck and God Bless!
People need a support system, but it does not/should not be the partner, we are just too close to the situation.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Hopeful4, No doubt you are absolutely correct! My H's recovery choices are questionable. I've stopped suggesting meetings, a different sponsor, or just trying an addiction counselor. He is a bright person and surely knows all the possible support avenues open to him. He is choosing the american anti-hero role/mask - again.
Although it made me anxious to hear him talk like he did, I was not surprised. Best to thank him for any honest conversation at this juncture and use my anxiety to keep working my own recovery so I can be strong and determined to enforce my boundary if he relapses.
Although it made me anxious to hear him talk like he did, I was not surprised. Best to thank him for any honest conversation at this juncture and use my anxiety to keep working my own recovery so I can be strong and determined to enforce my boundary if he relapses.
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