recovering from a relationship with an alcoholic

Old 02-26-2014, 11:12 AM
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recovering from a relationship with an alcoholic

I know there are probably a lot of posts on this forum telling about the same problems, but I just feel an urge to share my experience. I don't want to talk about it to my friends/family, it's easier here where there are people who can relate to it.
I have been dating this great guy for a month when I first noticed his drinking issues. He would come to my place, and would constantly go to his car for various reasons ("I left my cigarettes", "I can't find my phone", "I think I left my wallet in my car" etc). I never had an experience with alcoholics before, so I believed all these stories until I started to smell it on him, and to notice that he becomes clumsier after every trip to his car. I confronted him, he admitted. He told me about his 2 DUIs, meetings with a counselor. I should have run away, but I did not. I continued dating him, it has been over four months now.
He is the sweetest guy when he is sober. Unfortunately he is not sober too often. Every time I confronted him, he either started a fight, or promised to stop drinking. He drinks every time he comes to see me, so eventually I got fed up, and told him we should take a break until he solves his issues.
I was naive and stupid to expect him to fight for me, to promise to stop etc.
He did not do any of these, he just left. He texted me it will take him some time to get over me, but he'll be fine.
I am broken hearted. We had plans to move together, he was constantly talking about marriage, about how much he is in love, how special our relationship is. Yet, he chose alcohol over me.
I just can't understand how this could have happened...
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by indirectvictim View Post
eventually I got fed up, and told him we should take a break until he solves his issues.

Good move! You saved yourself!

I am broken hearted.
I am sorry about your heartbreak, but consider if you had tolerated it there would be years and years of heartbreak.


Yet, he chose alcohol over me.
Yes he did, that's what active alcoholics do.


I just can't understand how this could have happened...
You can't understand because you don't know the symptoms of active alcoholism well. He's a classic case.
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:42 AM
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Welcome to SR, indirectvictim. So sorry about your broken heart...recently I split up with my fiancee because he chose the booze/pills over me. We dated for nearly 4 years, so please consider yourself lucky that you put your foot down early on in the relationship. I spent 3 years of back and forth before I learned what I wanted my boundary to be (no drinking and working a program in AA) and actually enforced it.

Read more of the stories here...I think you will come to realize that you really are fortunate for not dragging out the relationship any longer. Take care of yourself - you deserve better!

Karin
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:47 AM
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RUN, RUN, RUN!!! I could have written your post. I wish I had walked away when I was only a month into the relationship. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.
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Old 02-26-2014, 11:52 AM
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Guys, thank you so much for your replies. Somewhere deep inside I knew all this, but it is comforting to hear it from other people.
I am happy I found this forum...
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:54 PM
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He has shown you who he is...... believe him. He would either fight with you or avoid you, rather than deal with his alcoholism. You were only 4 months in, I know it's heartbreaking but be grateful you didn't spend more time on the same roller coaster. Be proud of yourself for recognizing this wasn't okay with you and setting a boundary early on. You saved yourself future heartbreak.
You will never understand it, and will drive yourself crazy trying. The non-alcoholic can not get the alcoholic's stinkin' thinking. What matters is you are free to find a healthy partner that you can build a life with.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:54 PM
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indirect,

I'm not lying when I say this place saved my life. I went from divorced middle aged woman who had a good paying job and traveled and did fun things to married to a controlling alcoholic. I did not know what the definition of insanity truly was until I lived in the middle of it. The jealousy, lies, and crazy making were more than I could comprehend.

I went (and still go) to AlAnon. It'd was wonderful to meet local people and make friends who understood. But the theme in my local group was "lift them up in prayer." I did that. I did that for too many years.

When I found this place it all started to make sense. He was not going to change until he was ready to change. If my life was ever going to be better I had to take the step to be away from him.

I divorced him and immediately started working on me. It took a long time to get my confidence and sanity back. I lost my soul when I met him. That is the only way I know to describe it.

I've been divorced from him for over three years and twice I have seen his name in the paper on DUI related charges.

You will figure out what you need to know. I hope my story in some small way helps you in your journey.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:59 PM
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I'm a week into the end of my relationship - if I didn't find this place, I don't think I would have had the strength to end it and walk away. It becomes a matter of saving your own life - trust me, after only a year, I feel like he's stripped away the person I was and I'm now left to figure out how to piece me back together again. BUT, just one week out and I'm really starting to feel better and I can now see how very lucky I was to have the support I had to make the move I made. It could have gotten, and was getting, so much worse by the day. I feel, literally, like I took my life back because he was starting to own it.

I'm not saying that I'm not suffering through the fall out, because I certainly am. This last week was a tough one, but little by little, the fog is lifting and seeing things for what they really were is very enlightening.

He did choose alcohol over you, Sweetie. I'm so sorry for that because I know what a bitter, painful pill that is to swallow. It shouldn't be that way and God does it hurt like hell. But, they almost always do. That's the most important thing in their lives. Mine did as well, as did almost every one of our ex's on this forum. And you know what, there isn't a thing you can do about it although I know you want to. Trust me, I spent a year fighting this tooth and nail. I couldn't understand HOW he would rather drink than be with me. Just couldn't grasp that for any reason. Because it's wrong, it's not normal, but it is in their mind.

Please trust me when I say you'll be better off - this year has been the saddest, most heartbreaking, confusing upheaval of my life. It's awful, it's not fair, but such is a relationship with an addict.

Read this board, please - read the stories. I may not seem like it at first, but it will help you come to the realizations that you need to come to if you want to walk away with as few scars as possible. The only thing waiting for you in this relationship is pain and trauma, believe that. You deserve better.
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Old 02-26-2014, 02:05 PM
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I'm sorry about your broken heart, I can remember when I first dated my xabf 6 months in I had a "talk" with him about his drinking.....low and behold stupid me believe his quacking and 4 1/2 yrs later my heart has been broken so many times into so many pieces I'm suprised I still have a heart. I'm going on 1 month of him being gone and cry everyday and he seems to be having the time of his life. I meant nothing to him. Oh how I wish I could go back and be strong/smart enough to say cya. And if in a month he does try "changing" RUN
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Old 02-26-2014, 02:36 PM
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I had the million and one promises to change, too. God, I've heard it all. And, NOTHING ever changed. Well, it did get worse, but that's not really the 'change' I was going for. :/

It's such a sad situation for everyone involved, really. I feel like I've been through a emotional war with him, myself and everything that I normally stand for. It's amazing how caught up you are before you even realize how caught up you are. It's frightening, heartbreaking, confusing and exhausting.

It still hurts, I won't say it doesn't, but I'm feeling some peace and I desperately needed that. I feel like I've spent the last year beating my head against a wall. I think I finally decided something had to be done when I got tired of talking to him about it because it was always the same conversation with the same results. I'd say the same thing, he'd say the same thing and we just kept going around in the same circle and nothing changed. Ever. A day, sometimes a day and a half, but that was it. And with each talk, he seemed to up the ante on his behavior and I began to accept worse and worse behavior. That's not ok. It'll never happen again, I'll say that much.
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Old 02-26-2014, 02:42 PM
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It is really sad to see how many people here had to suffer because of their significant other's addiction.
I've been reading stories on this forum, and I feel like all of them tell about my relationship.
Every time I confronted him, he would go crazy... He would say that he is not that drunk, that it's not like he ignores me when he drinks, or he cannot have sex. Well, yes, he didn't ignore me, but the thought of making love to a wasted person is humiliating... And the feeling that whatever he says is only because he is euphoric is even worse.
Yes, I am going through hard times now, cry every day, and remember all the good time together. But I pray to have enough power to not call him, to not try to get back with him again...
After reading some of the stories here, I realized what hell I might have got into...
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Old 02-26-2014, 02:44 PM
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Well, at least now we now what too look for... Speaking of the bright side
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Old 02-26-2014, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by indirectvictim View Post
Yet, he chose alcohol over me.
I just can't understand how this could have happened...
Well I am an alcoholic and when we are engaged in our addiction all we care about is the booze. The goal is to get drunk and stay that way. That is how it was for me.

He actually gave you a gift even though you might not think that right now. He has saved you years of heartache. He is not ready to give it up and probably knows that you can't be snowed. That really is a good thing.
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Old 02-26-2014, 03:23 PM
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So sorry for your hurt.
Many of us here have come second choice to the bottle so know how you feel.
There is loads of support here for you.
There is only one person you can truly be responsible for in life & that is yourself.
You could not have controlled his drinking or made him sober, that he will have to or not have to find on his own.
If you had of stayed in this relationship then you would have joined the rollercoaster that goes with living with an alcoholic & sometimes the rollercoaster never stops.
You have made the right healthy decision.
Doesn't hurt any less I know so sending a big hug.
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Old 02-26-2014, 03:33 PM
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Several months ago I would not have been able to reply to your thread. And it is still hard to gather my thoughts today.

I left her only recently. I am putting every part of myself back together. thank you for not prolonging the madness you could have gotten into. It has affected every area of my life - physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial (weekly or twice-weekly therapy visits for trauma I only recently acknowledged).

Finding this place has saved my life, I believe. I don't know where I'd be. It is a sad place, but there is hope now, and it is not nearly as dark a place as I was in worrying about her every second of every day. I still worry, and I feel I am living with her ghost. I feel wounded beyond my wildest comprehension but slowly picking up the pieces. You will too.
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Old 02-26-2014, 04:40 PM
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Don't take it personally. It's better for you in the long run.
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:43 PM
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This forum is a great support. In fact, since I've discovered it, I shed no more tears
I begin to realize that I made a right choice.
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Old 02-27-2014, 06:36 AM
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Run as fast as you can. He is looking for a place for his disease to land. Do you want that responsibility? Guaranteed the "love" will leave once the ring is on the finger, and that's when you get to know hell.
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