lying
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you ever need a buddy feel free to PM me anytime! I too have fallen out and back in with Christianity. I read a book the other day written by an H addict. She said when she went to rehab she was upset that they were forced to go to 12 step meetings, she did not have that sort of faith. Someone there told her that even to meditate and pray to want to pray would help her, and it did help her. It was not the only tool, but it gave her something to focus on, and helped her see she could not do it alone. I was inspired by that.
I know there are others who have posted online Alanon meetings too.
Have a peaceful evening!
I know there are others who have posted online Alanon meetings too.
Have a peaceful evening!
Originally Posted by giliji 
Thanks Hopeful. I'm sorry about it to. Christianity/church was a part of my life until 7 years ago.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Yess, it is very sad that you cannot trust him. Even in the beginning, it was always about the alcohol. It's irrational and there is no real understanding in it on our parts, it just is what it is. To stay with him w/o losing your mind you need to keep the focus on you despite what he's doing. Get you strong whatever it takes despite his faults. Work on your steps. One thing at a time. His lies are his and you will eventually be able to let that pain go and/or utilize it to gain more inner strength to change what you can change for you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
ahhh. This bed is too small, this one too big, this porridge is too cold/hot, etc.
All good. Not quite miserable enough, yet?
Not to worry, you will likely get there.
The present lying is just the warm-up band on the show ahead.
Really do get it. Been there, done that.
It was losing the house and the kids going homeless that did it for me. Just about a year and half ago, looking back.
I did not like any of the "nice" Alanon up here on the decent side of town, when we came up from the deep 'hood in Dallas. Down in the hood, it was "real." At least to me. Messed up folks -- you could "see" a lot of their problems on the surface. But even as now in the nice area, the problems go way deeper than the surface.
My "old" Alanon was in an abandoned grocery store, missing tiles on the ceiling and floor. Not a single chair matched another. Old couches, easy chairs, folding chairs, whatever. People mixed too. Black, white, brown, Asian, gay, straight, who-knows, kids, young, old, whatever. I loved them all.
Came up to the decent side of town, and all the chairs matched, the rooms nicely decorated, and the folks all sort of dressed the same, looked the same, mostly all white, and I just missed my old home group. So I did not want to go. So I would do all those BS excuses, too. That is all fine, we follow.
Like I say, I did my own best path and we wound up homeless. I went screaming crying to the local Alanon. Now we again have a nice house, still here in the same "good" area. But when God restored us, He put us in a house close enough to WALK to Alanon / AA. Same one I thought I was too "real" to go to. Lotta Crap in my head at times.
And there are another good 3 (or more) locations less than a half-hour away. Alateen for the kids. For me -- Formal Step Programs, and Men's Meetings. Women's Meetings and even Eating Disorder Meetings for Mrs Hammer. And I hit other meetings while traveling on business. So anymore -- the jeep, or next bus, or evac helicopter, or pedicab heading to or walking (yeah WALKING, did today) to ANY Alanon, (or maybe someday, CR) is good.
But like I say, you will likely get there, too.
The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient.
All good. Not quite miserable enough, yet?
Not to worry, you will likely get there.
The present lying is just the warm-up band on the show ahead.
Really do get it. Been there, done that.
It was losing the house and the kids going homeless that did it for me. Just about a year and half ago, looking back.
I did not like any of the "nice" Alanon up here on the decent side of town, when we came up from the deep 'hood in Dallas. Down in the hood, it was "real." At least to me. Messed up folks -- you could "see" a lot of their problems on the surface. But even as now in the nice area, the problems go way deeper than the surface.
My "old" Alanon was in an abandoned grocery store, missing tiles on the ceiling and floor. Not a single chair matched another. Old couches, easy chairs, folding chairs, whatever. People mixed too. Black, white, brown, Asian, gay, straight, who-knows, kids, young, old, whatever. I loved them all.
Came up to the decent side of town, and all the chairs matched, the rooms nicely decorated, and the folks all sort of dressed the same, looked the same, mostly all white, and I just missed my old home group. So I did not want to go. So I would do all those BS excuses, too. That is all fine, we follow.
Like I say, I did my own best path and we wound up homeless. I went screaming crying to the local Alanon. Now we again have a nice house, still here in the same "good" area. But when God restored us, He put us in a house close enough to WALK to Alanon / AA. Same one I thought I was too "real" to go to. Lotta Crap in my head at times.
And there are another good 3 (or more) locations less than a half-hour away. Alateen for the kids. For me -- Formal Step Programs, and Men's Meetings. Women's Meetings and even Eating Disorder Meetings for Mrs Hammer. And I hit other meetings while traveling on business. So anymore -- the jeep, or next bus, or evac helicopter, or pedicab heading to or walking (yeah WALKING, did today) to ANY Alanon, (or maybe someday, CR) is good.
But like I say, you will likely get there, too.
The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by giliji
Lol Hammer. I am the master of excuses.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I'm still uncovering lies...and I don't even want to know anymore, but they just keep appearing. It's ok though. I won't ever have to hear another of his lies again. While it hurts me to the core that someone I loved could look me straight in the face, without flinching, and lie through his teeth, it was my own fault for giving my trust away to someone who so clearly didn't deserve it.
It's really sad when you have to be with someone and NOT expect to be told the truth. That's a horrible way to live and goes against everything a relationship should stand for. I truly understand your pain. It's such a betrayal. I honestly believe that they do believe their own lies and that's why it seems easy for them. I have to believe that for the time being.
But lies... yeah, our entire relationship seems to have been based on nothing but. It's appalling.
It's really sad when you have to be with someone and NOT expect to be told the truth. That's a horrible way to live and goes against everything a relationship should stand for. I truly understand your pain. It's such a betrayal. I honestly believe that they do believe their own lies and that's why it seems easy for them. I have to believe that for the time being.
But lies... yeah, our entire relationship seems to have been based on nothing but. It's appalling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Jeez Hammer, you're nailing them today! Loved this post too! I can sooo appreciate your approach.
Originally Posted by Hammer
ahhh. This bed is too small, this one too big, this porridge is too cold/hot, etc.
All good. Not quite miserable enough, yet?
Not to worry, you will likely get there.
The present lying is just the warm-up band on the show ahead.
Really do get it. Been there, done that.
It was losing the house and the kids going homeless that did it for me. Just about a year and half ago, looking back.
I did not like any of the "nice" Alanon up here on the decent side of town, when we came up from the deep 'hood in Dallas. Down in the hood, it was "real." At least to me. Messed up folks -- you could "see" a lot of their problems on the surface. But even as now in the nice area, the problems go way deeper than the surface.
My "old" Alanon was in an abandoned grocery store, missing tiles on the ceiling and floor. Not a single chair matched another. Old couches, easy chairs, folding chairs, whatever. People mixed too. Black, white, brown, Asian, gay, straight, who-knows, kids, young, old, whatever. I loved them all.
Came up to the decent side of town, and all the chairs matched, the rooms nicely decorated, and the folks all sort of dressed the same, looked the same, mostly all white, and I just missed my old home group. So I did not want to go. So I would do all those BS excuses, too. That is all fine, we follow.
Like I say, I did my own best path and we wound up homeless. I went screaming crying to the local Alanon. Now we again have a nice house, still here in the same "good" area. But when God restored us, He put us in a house close enough to WALK to Alanon / AA. Same one I thought I was too "real" to go to. Lotta Crap in my head at times.
And there are another good 3 (or more) locations less than a half-hour away. Alateen for the kids. For me -- Formal Step Programs, and Men's Meetings. Women's Meetings and even Eating Disorder Meetings for Mrs Hammer. And I hit other meetings while traveling on business. So anymore -- the jeep, or next bus, or evac helicopter, or pedicab heading to or walking (yeah WALKING, did today) to ANY Alanon, (or maybe someday, CR) is good.
But like I say, you will likely get there, too.
The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient.
All good. Not quite miserable enough, yet?
Not to worry, you will likely get there.
The present lying is just the warm-up band on the show ahead.
Really do get it. Been there, done that.
It was losing the house and the kids going homeless that did it for me. Just about a year and half ago, looking back.
I did not like any of the "nice" Alanon up here on the decent side of town, when we came up from the deep 'hood in Dallas. Down in the hood, it was "real." At least to me. Messed up folks -- you could "see" a lot of their problems on the surface. But even as now in the nice area, the problems go way deeper than the surface.
My "old" Alanon was in an abandoned grocery store, missing tiles on the ceiling and floor. Not a single chair matched another. Old couches, easy chairs, folding chairs, whatever. People mixed too. Black, white, brown, Asian, gay, straight, who-knows, kids, young, old, whatever. I loved them all.
Came up to the decent side of town, and all the chairs matched, the rooms nicely decorated, and the folks all sort of dressed the same, looked the same, mostly all white, and I just missed my old home group. So I did not want to go. So I would do all those BS excuses, too. That is all fine, we follow.
Like I say, I did my own best path and we wound up homeless. I went screaming crying to the local Alanon. Now we again have a nice house, still here in the same "good" area. But when God restored us, He put us in a house close enough to WALK to Alanon / AA. Same one I thought I was too "real" to go to. Lotta Crap in my head at times.
And there are another good 3 (or more) locations less than a half-hour away. Alateen for the kids. For me -- Formal Step Programs, and Men's Meetings. Women's Meetings and even Eating Disorder Meetings for Mrs Hammer. And I hit other meetings while traveling on business. So anymore -- the jeep, or next bus, or evac helicopter, or pedicab heading to or walking (yeah WALKING, did today) to ANY Alanon, (or maybe someday, CR) is good.
But like I say, you will likely get there, too.
The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 66
Thanks for asking Seren. She is doing well. Surgery went better than expected. Recovery is going to be a bit rough. I will be spending more than a few nights over here since her husband works third shift.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
I am so sorry to hear this. I was in the exact same place eight months ago. It was a searing core-shattering pain to realize the person I most trusted had lied to me so extensively. Al anon has been incredibly helpful for me. What has also been helpful is spending a lot of time with friends and some family members that are kind and trustworthy. Our thinking definitely does become clouded living with an A and being around healthy people has helped me heal. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 66
Springs you have described it exactly. I don't have any close friends and my oldest daughter is the only family I trust. I am not one to trust easy. I have been hurt and don't really let people get close. AH is/was my best friend and confidante. He was the one person I could ALWAYS go to. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
It's a hard journey but for me, once I started trusting other people more easily and opening up and confiding in them, I realized that I'd misplaced my trust. I was trusting of my A who was lying while distrusting friends or coworkers who could be quite trustworthy if I took the risk of trying. Hang in there.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
Honesty is not a characteristic of Alcoholism nor Addiction. In fact denial is part of the process on their side as well as ours
DENIAL = Didn't Even Notice It's A Lie
"Admitted" is the FIRST requirement we ALL have.
One of the things that can get me in trouble is Unreasonable Expectations. Lies are almost always fear based. The person lying fears rejection of some sort IF the truth were told. The other side of that is that sometimes people tell US exactly what (they think) we want to hear..to shut us up because they know we could not handle or are not ready to hear the truth or because it would not net them their selfish desired result
Having to face the consequences of their actions is why Alcoholics seek out or are drawn to enablers (sometimes an unconscious effort) in relationships. Many an alcoholic leaves the needy co-dependent upon reaching sobriety, because unless the enabler seeks recovery as well for their issues the relationship becomes toxic for them.
Expecting honesty from an active A is not realistic. They lie to themselves because they can not face the truth. The truth necessitates change when faced. Many (including us) are not ready to change. Change is not easy, it requires the breaking of habits, rewiring thinking and behaviors and commitment. Repetition (just like when we learned our ABC's or to tie our shoes) Nothing about recovery is once and done..not even the Serenity Prayer. Even in our 4th Step we must prepare to be honestwith ourselves..because it is not likely that we truly looked at situations as they are prior to this.
We have to work on acceptance. If we are in relationship with an A we must discard the idea that the A will act, behave or think like the non A. We have to accept that we have the relationship we have, (not the one we had envisioned) & that we are powerless to change another and that trying to force solutions is part of our problem. We must accept the fact that our thinking has become distorted due to the effects of alcoholism and our lives have become unmanageable and we must be proactive in OUR recovery. First things first. Our recovery needs to be just as important to us as we "wish the A's" were to them in order for us to have a serene, peaceful and happy life. We must not pin our happiness on the actions (or inactions) of others.
DENIAL = Didn't Even Notice It's A Lie
"Admitted" is the FIRST requirement we ALL have.
One of the things that can get me in trouble is Unreasonable Expectations. Lies are almost always fear based. The person lying fears rejection of some sort IF the truth were told. The other side of that is that sometimes people tell US exactly what (they think) we want to hear..to shut us up because they know we could not handle or are not ready to hear the truth or because it would not net them their selfish desired result
Having to face the consequences of their actions is why Alcoholics seek out or are drawn to enablers (sometimes an unconscious effort) in relationships. Many an alcoholic leaves the needy co-dependent upon reaching sobriety, because unless the enabler seeks recovery as well for their issues the relationship becomes toxic for them.
Expecting honesty from an active A is not realistic. They lie to themselves because they can not face the truth. The truth necessitates change when faced. Many (including us) are not ready to change. Change is not easy, it requires the breaking of habits, rewiring thinking and behaviors and commitment. Repetition (just like when we learned our ABC's or to tie our shoes) Nothing about recovery is once and done..not even the Serenity Prayer. Even in our 4th Step we must prepare to be honestwith ourselves..because it is not likely that we truly looked at situations as they are prior to this.
We have to work on acceptance. If we are in relationship with an A we must discard the idea that the A will act, behave or think like the non A. We have to accept that we have the relationship we have, (not the one we had envisioned) & that we are powerless to change another and that trying to force solutions is part of our problem. We must accept the fact that our thinking has become distorted due to the effects of alcoholism and our lives have become unmanageable and we must be proactive in OUR recovery. First things first. Our recovery needs to be just as important to us as we "wish the A's" were to them in order for us to have a serene, peaceful and happy life. We must not pin our happiness on the actions (or inactions) of others.
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