Sadconfused

I think I am there. I thought I was there months ago but seems it got a little lower. Things are getting worse with him, he escalates much quicker and the blow ups are happening more often. I somehow completely reverted back t separating the sober person from the drunk again instead of accepting they are one. I don't want to wake up in the morning again. Everything is spiraling out of control and im so depressed and nervous and scared.

I'm terrified of what's going to happen if I keep sitting here taking it but I'm more scared of what he will do to me after I leave. Its easier to just not wake up.

JustAGirl1971

Have you contacted a domestic violence hotline? Or a lawyer? Do you have anywhere you can go (a friend, family member, etc.)? My situation wasn't as volatile as what you've described in the past though there was definitely verbal abuse and some history of physical. I'm about a week and a half out from my STBXAH moving out of the house. My home is more peaceful than I ever would have imagined! Even with 3 teens in the home, lol. It can get better. You just have to figure out your plan and stick to it. Just do it carefully. Hugs, it can get better.

JustAGirl1971

Sadconfused, one thing that helped me strengthen my resolve to finally end it was this: I asked myself if this is the type of marriage that I wanted to model to my children? Do I want them to think this is what marriage is suppose to look like? Do I want dd14 to think it's acceptable for men to treat her this way? Do I want my dss to think it's acceptable to treat their partners this way? And, finally, do I want my children to think it's acceptable for me to behave this way?

My answers were all resounding NOs. You are modeling what a mother, a wife, a woman should/should not accept and should/should not do or be right now. Your daughter is young but she's still watching you and your husband and she's learning from you. Is this the type of life you want her to think is acceptable?

I don't ask this to make you feel guilty. Guilt just mires us down in misery and inaction. I'm asking to empower you. You have the ability to change who you are and how you will allow others to treat you right now. You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself

BlueSkies1

The women's shelter will protect you.

Maybe today is the day to go?

Sounds like you've had enough.

Ever think today might be the day? Just chuck it all and go to the shelter and start over?

hopeful4

YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU AND YOUR WELL BEING ARE WORTH IT. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS AND YOU CAN GET HELP.

Do you hear me?? YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I found out last night at therapy what you are doing is compartmentalizing what is happening for your own sanity. You are correct, you have to see he is one in the same person causing you so much pain. Protect yourself. Fight for yourself. Care about yourself.

We care about you, we support you, we will walk this with you and I promise you have it within you to do this.

Please PM me anytime you need a friend.

God Bless!

firebolt

Believe it or not, rock bottom is often a GOOD THING!

The DV people will always be there, the police will always be there, counselors will always be there - you can always get a protection order when you are ready. It sounds like it's getting more urgent. I remember the huge positive change in your posts when you were seeing the counselor, detaching, and making a plan to have a better future for you and your family.

I know when WE relapse, all that hope and peace can seem so far away, but it isn't. Its always within our grasp - we just have to make that jump. The easy road is very rarely the best one. People need you - your family needs you, and MOST of all, you deserve a peaceful and happy life filled with love. I promise, once you take the leap - take that action, things will start taking care of themselves.

Thinking of you - PS, we're always here too - always rooting for you and eachother. Take care!

iwanthappiness

I recently spoke to my pastor regarding the guilt I still had for leaving my AH of 18 years. I love what he said......"You are breaking a pattern for your girls (I grew up in an A home). Be strong, its much easier to remain in situations like this. Things WILL get better, you deserve it and so do the children."

I'm NOT telling you what to do. This just helped ME.

Hugs your way!

SparkleKitty

SC, thank you for posting. Many of us here have been worried for and about you.

It does feel easier to give up and give in. But I have witnessed your strength and determination to make a better future for yourself -- it's real, there are witnesses. Please remember that your choices affect not just you but your little girl as well, and for now, just focus on doing the Next Right Thing, whether it's getting out of bed or getting back in contact with the DV folks.

You and your daughter deserve better. If you have trouble believing that right now, then you can still look forward to the day you do. We are all rooting for you.

BlueSkies1

I am sitting here imagining just how afraid I would be to go to a domestic violence shelter if I was in a situation that I needed one.
How it would be a strange bed. How there would be lots of people that I don't know. How these things would make me feel uncomfortable. How I might have to share a bathroom. How would I get the things together that I wanted to carry out of the house with me? How once that move was made there might be no turning back.
Then I thought about when someone is abusive. The absolute fear of someone coming at me wanting to physically hurt me, someone I shared a home with, someone who was supposed to be my protector but was in fact the opposite.
I was thinking about what it takes to motivate myself in such a situation.
I think realizing that the far biggest threat--and fear--is not at the shelter that would welcome me with open protecting arms, but that home was the very scary place, might be the thing that would make my eyes open and I would say to myself--That shelter isn't nearly as scary as staying right here.
I hope you have lots of dreams of a better life one day. I imagine the fear of having to start over somewhere strange. Then I remember that the unknown future with so many good possibilities, just about anything you can imagine can happen in this life--would be something to look forward to.
So dream, sadandconfused--dream of a future where you would never hesitate to jump out of bed excited for the new day...dreams lead to wanting them to become real, and then making that lead of faith to see just how many of those dreams can come true.

fedup3

I've been where you are more afraid of him and what he will do if you leave. My situation was I went to the police told them he had tried to strangle me, they followed me back to my house waited until I packed a suitcase and then I left to stay with someone. I got to the point of such anger that I was almost afraid of what I would do to him if I stayed. Please don't get to that point where you might do something rash, go with your child to a safe place where you can begin to think more clearly.

Rosiepetal

Sadconfused,
You are worth so much more than this.
You can go on to live a happy life.
You must put steps in place then follow them through & do not look back, only forward.
For now one day at a time.
Sending you lots of hugs.

FlippedRHalo

I was that little girl and I carry very deep lifetime scars because I was. I ended up going for the same thing as a teenager and well into my adult life. I know this is so hard for you, but please don't let your beautiful little girl turn into me. Find whatever strength you need because I promise you, you will both be so much better off without this terrifying trauma in your lives.

I recall reading a post here where something was said here along the lines of "my kids have one shot at a normal childhood" and I cried, and cried and cried some more reading that. I wish to God someone felt that way when I was growing up, but they didn't. The worst part, even now as an adult and mother, I still suffer from those traumatic memories. I feel I'm a great mom in spite of it, but it took me a lot of soul searching and I still struggle. I'm WAY too over-protective of my kids and that's not the greatest scenario either, but from the moment my oldest daughter was born, I was determined to do the complete opposite of what my parents did. Sometimes I go a little too far in that opposite direction, but such is the price paid for growing up and never knowing what the heck normal is. Don't let that happen to her.

If you can't find the strength for yourself, PLEASE try to find it for your daughter. Please give her a chance. She deserves that and so do you.

I understand your pain and I understand the feeling of not wanting to wake up anymore. I was so there and I'm still unsure how I crawled out from under it, but if I can, you can too. There is SO MUCH BETTER out there for you. I didn't believe it at the time either, but there is, I promise you there is.

My heart is breaking so badly for both you and your little girl right now. Please choose you and her. There's a whole new world out there for you both.

Giant hugs.

Seren

It may or may not be his rock bottom, Sadconfused...but I hope it is yours.

Please consider contacting the Domestic Violence hotline. There are knowledgeable, warm, and wonderful people who staff that line 24/7.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233

I hope you will take just a few minutes to read through these threads. Having a plan in place for your safety is a very wise thing to do.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ituations.html

You do not deserve to live in fear, Sadconfused. No one does. Sending you strength and peace.

amy55

Hi SC,

Good to see you back here. I was worried about you. Did you have any support for the last few months? You don't need to answer that, I guess I just asked because I know what I did. There were plenty of times that I would be talking to people, getting and feeling stronger by doing that, then I would just disappear. I would isolate, I would feel that people might think that I was hopeless, and I would become embarrassed. I even stopped posting on an abuse forum because I was so embarrassed because I was still "in". When I did that, I went into isolation. My depression got so bad that I didn't want to drag myself out of bed. I had no motivation at all, and I gave up all hope.

You know what, this would happen in the winter. The holidaze were here. Trying to do what I could so that I could make the holidaze good for the children. I just sunk back to where I was in the beginning of my awareness.

This was a really brutal winter, I don't know how yours was, but I am sick of the snow and the cold already. Don't want to see a snow shovel ever again.

My point in all of this. I needed the support. I isolated from it. I got worse. I was not getting validation, I was listening to crazy 24/7, it was redefining my reality.

Glad that you are back. We are here for you. No one ever said this would be easy, but it is doable. You and your daughter have a terrific life just waiting for you. Perhaps you needed this time for yourself. I think I needed the time that I isolated myself to really look at things, and to know how hopeless the situation that I was in was. They say that in situations where you leave an abusive relationship, that you end up going back several times, and each time you go back it is worse. I really do believe that the time that I took to just sit back gave me the strength to stay gone once I did leave.

When I began seeking support again, I thought everyone would think that I was as hopeless as I felt I was. I was wrong !!!!! They were still right there with me.

Just know you won't be judged here, there are many of us that went through what you are going through. Hey, it took me 25 years to get out of mine. (lol)

Hugs to you, and give that little girl of yours hugs from me also.

Nice to see you're back

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Sadconfused

This^^^ It gets bad with him here but at least I know what he is up too, planning or plotting, I can judge his mood and actions better. I still have to walk on eggshells but I dunno. I am not scared of what the sober him would do if I left but the drunk version would be a violent psychotic lunatic that wouldnt hesitate to do something stupid, he has already proven that time and time again. I am worried I will end up one of those stories.

Thank you all for the replies. I have been in contact with dv hotlines and counselors and lawyers several times. I was doing really good and then yea I dunno, here I am again. I did call the counselor back yesterday and left a message and called a different group session for dv victims. Hoping they get back in touch with me today.

I too was that little girl, my father is an A, my brother is an A, My uncle was before it killed him. I am no stranger to what it does to a family. The fact that I know what it does to a child and still keep her around it frustrates me beyond belief, but my fear just sits and eats at me. If he were just a drunk I feel like I would probably have no issues walking away but drinking is really just the surface of his issues. His abusive ways is what makes it feel so hopeless for me. I would be embarrassed to admit half of the things he has said or done not because he did them but because I allowed him to without facing any consequencesand yet here I sit with a puffy bruised cheek not doing a damn thing about it again. Im very disappointed with myself.

amy55

SC, I don't think that you are sitting around doing nothing. I think you are reaching out for help again, to get back to where you were last fall.

Just keep holding on to that dream that you have for your life and your daughters life, he can't take that away from you, and that is what will pull you through.

It's good to hear that you are still seeking DV help and counseling. Just remember, we are always here for you. You are one of the gang here.

BlueSkies1

When you're ready to leave, (and I'm not pushing you) if he has a drunken rage, one day you may see that as his problem and only his. What I'm trying to say here is that you don't have to be responsible for his feelings, they are his. Somewhere safe, and you aren't around to gauge his rage, you don't have to own it, it's not yours, and you won't have to try to figure out just what his mood is anymore.
Big bad bully can throw his hissy fit all by himself, and do something stupid to himself, or the walls, or whatever, because he won't be able to find you.
The important thing is for you to feel safe when that day comes. That's where the DV comes in.

His abuse has one purpose--to keep you submissive and paralyzed to act on your own.

I'm not disappointed in you, I just feel for you and wish I could give you some kindness here. That you didn't act yet to free yourself is his plan. That you didn't act yet to free yourself is no reason to belittle yourself, give yourself a little compassion and understanding like how you give that little girl hugs. Give the big girl that is yourself hugs too...she still needs them also.