I am crazy!

Old 02-26-2014, 06:15 AM
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I am crazy!

So I joined a few months back and haven't posted in a while. I have been married for 3 years to my A, we have a daughter who is 2 together. We have been separated for 16 months, he moved right in with a woman 13 years older than him that he'd been having an affair with for about 3 or 4 months. My husband was sober for periods during our marriage but during the affair he was back in active addiction. I don't think he's stopped drinking since. In the last year, he and his fiance have lost custody of their kids (including her foster kids and grandchildren) and only have supervised visitation. My husband left the state with her for 6 months and has not seen my daughter since. We are still in the process of getting divorced he filed a year ago.

I have moved in with my parents and my 2 kids (my son from a previous marriage) Me and the kids are mostly doing well. I go to al anon meetings sometimes, work out, go to work and i've even started dating someone who is really really nice and a great guy. The issue is, I LOVE my husband. In learning about alcoholism, I know that my "addict" cheating husband isn't the real person that he is when he's sober. That person hasn't been back since he left, but I know that person is there. His family is in total denial about his addiction and they help him cover it up every chance they get. I pray every single night that he choose treatment and get into recovery so that we can be a family again. What the HELL is wrong with me??? When my new boyfriend kisses me, I feel disgusted, not because of him because I miss my AH and feel like I'm cheating on him. Why is this happening to me when i've come so far in understanding codependency and alcoholism?! I know I can't change him, that HE has to be the one to make the choice and there's nothing I can do or say that will help him!

Michelle
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Old 02-26-2014, 06:24 AM
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I'm crazy too! In my own way, different than yours of course.

"I know that my "addict" cheating husband isn't the real person that he is when he's sober."

He's made choices. the real person? I'm sorry...who he is right now is real. It's who he chooses to be right now.
Might the relationship with this "fiancé" blow up and he comes back crying to you, promising to be good, clean up his messes?
Sure...but it will be because the life he's currently leading doesn't work out, so he will try to get back what he had.
His motivation will be purely selfish.
Who he is right now is as real as he ever was.

I feel for you because it seems you want to believe that there are two people inside him, and one is the good guy that loves you, and this other one is the bad guy who doesn't realize what he is doing.
He knows the choices he is making.

You're much better off working on that new life you are going to have when this divorce is final. Have you spent much time dreaming about it? Planning it? Looking forward to it? Look forward--not backward!
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Old 02-26-2014, 06:26 AM
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not sure you should place all the "blame" on his choices on addiction. look at the FACTS. of your short 3 year marriage, he was involved with someone else for close to TWO YEARS - the 16 months you've been separated and for months before hand. he left you and the kids, went straight to her and has been with her ever since. he no longer is in contact with his OWN child and now she has lost custody of HER own kids. they are engaged. he filed for divorce. he left the state.

those are his choices. he's gone dear.

due to your still conflicted feelings on the matter, it's probably advisable to cut ties with new dating person. are you going to meetings and in counseling? those things can really help you work thru things and sort it all out.
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Old 02-26-2014, 06:28 AM
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You are not crazy. You're human. Maybe talking with a therapist about this specific issue would help.
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Old 02-26-2014, 06:45 AM
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First I would like to tell you that you are not crazy . . . but, well, you know.

Let's try this? This stuff makes EVERYBODY Crazy. So welcome to the club. Yunno, probably if it did not, it would not be such a problem.

So you have probably have been to Alanon enough to hear something like YOU work on YOU? or something like that? Like probably every time you have been? If not, let's hit that part?

I go to al anon meetings sometimes
ahhh, I think I am getting a little insight into this, how 'bout you?

When you want to get serious, you can get seriously better. Your life, your choice.

You know this is all covered in there, right?

That you are feeling a little crazy just makes it that much better. Cannot be restored to sanity if you do not have crazy. SUPER! You are doing better than me, so I am a little jealous. I had to get sent back to therapy to figure THAT ONE out.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Funny, no where in the ENTIRE Step Program did I see ANYTHING about kissing a Boyfriend. Might be in there, but I just checked. I do need new glasses, so maybe you will see it in there, or something. I would recommend looking.

As far as the Cheating This That Still Lubbing the A and a Boyfriend and . . . . ALL the rest . . . . I would suggest that maybe YOU Are Cheating . . . YOU.

Clean up and Fix up YOU. FIRST. And then your world will likely go right. Really Really Right. Like you will not believe. Or do not, and the muddled mess continues.
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:03 AM
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I have such a good grasp on the concepts, my therapist actually recommended "yoga" for me because she did not feel I needed to come anymore. I was in therapy for myself during my marriage to fix "me" so I didn't ruin my marriage.

Thank you for what you all said, you all are so right. I'm rushing the process I guess!! I just want to get there already DAMN IT! Everybody is like "why would you want to go back to what he put you through"...and the truth is, I don't, I want to go back to the "good moments" not the actual day to day of living with a drunk (which is what I got most days). Even before we were married, alcohol was always up and down. He'd drink heavy for 2 or 3 months and sober up, something would happen and he'd go right back.

ugh see the focus is on him, not on ME ME ME, where it should be. I'm a christian too, so i'm just so flooded with all of this God hates divorce, forgive, fight for marriage, blah blah blah! I know God heals addiction, and marriages but you have to accept him into your life, which my ex has not. Maybe i'm just having a bad day or month. Maybe I should just have a drink or 12 (ha kidding, not funny) Thanks guys!
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by xmrscran View Post
So I joined a few months back and haven't posted in a while. I have been married for 3 years to my A, we have a daughter who is 2 together. We have been separated for 16 months, he moved right in with a woman 13 years older than him that he'd been having an affair with for about 3 or 4 months. My husband was sober for periods during our marriage but during the affair he was back in active addiction. I don't think he's stopped drinking since. In the last year, he and his fiance have lost custody of their kids (including her foster kids and grandchildren) and only have supervised visitation. My husband left the state with her for 6 months and has not seen my daughter since. We are still in the process of getting divorced he filed a year ago.

I have moved in with my parents and my 2 kids (my son from a previous marriage) Me and the kids are mostly doing well. I go to al anon meetings sometimes, work out, go to work and i've even started dating someone who is really really nice and a great guy. The issue is, I LOVE my husband. In learning about alcoholism, I know that my "addict" cheating husband isn't the real person that he is when he's sober. That person hasn't been back since he left, but I know that person is there. His family is in total denial about his addiction and they help him cover it up every chance they get. I pray every single night that he choose treatment and get into recovery so that we can be a family again. What the HELL is wrong with me??? When my new boyfriend kisses me, I feel disgusted, not because of him because I miss my AH and feel like I'm cheating on him. Why is this happening to me when i've come so far in understanding codependency and alcoholism?! I know I can't change him, that HE has to be the one to make the choice and there's nothing I can do or say that will help him!

Michelle
You haven't finished mourning the loss of your exah and your marriage. Until you get through the grief process, you will keep looking back and being sad.

That is exactly how I felt. Honestly, it took me at least 3 years after no contact before I started to feel like a real person again. I did alanon for about 2 years and was in therapy for a little over a year (also that first year I took anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for panic attacks that developed out of nowhere, they stopped after 10-11 months).

When I started dating my current committed bf, I cried the first time we spent the night together (aren't I a catch). There was a sense of loss that was surfacing and my leaving behind the ex and former relationship was solidifying and becoming real.

Are you in therapy? My therapist suggested grief counseling, which I never did but should have in hindsight-it might have taken me less time to get over the ex if I had.

Keep taking those steps forward and away from the ex. It does get easier with time. It just takes a LONG time.

Hugs to you
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by xmrscran View Post
I have such a good grasp on the concepts, my therapist actually recommended "yoga" for me because she did not feel I needed to come anymore. I was in therapy for myself during my marriage to fix "me" so I didn't ruin my marriage.

Thank you for what you all said, you all are so right. I'm rushing the process I guess!! I just want to get there already DAMN IT! Everybody is like "why would you want to go back to what he put you through"...and the truth is, I don't, I want to go back to the "good moments" not the actual day to day of living with a drunk (which is what I got most days). Even before we were married, alcohol was always up and down. He'd drink heavy for 2 or 3 months and sober up, something would happen and he'd go right back.

ugh see the focus is on him, not on ME ME ME, where it should be. I'm a christian too, so i'm just so flooded with all of this God hates divorce, forgive, fight for marriage, blah blah blah! I know God heals addiction, and marriages but you have to accept him into your life, which my ex has not. Maybe i'm just having a bad day or month. Maybe I should just have a drink or 12 (ha kidding, not funny) Thanks guys!

Yoga can be very very helpful--you should consider it.

It helps you find the tension in your body and to learn to relax and be focused. It has been invaluable to me both as a recovering alcoholic and as a family member to an alcoholic.

Your body does store pain and tension. You need to release and acknowledge that to feel better.

I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope you find some peace soon.
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:20 AM
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As a Christian, I can relate to what you said. Our stories are quite different but whenever I get frustrated over the choices my AH makes, I think about the story in the Bible where Jesus asks a rich young man to give up everything and follow him. The man chose not to. Jesus chose to turn and walk away. He didn't beg, he didn't plead his case, he didn't force himself into this man's life. He accepted the man's choice to turn and walk away even though Jesus knew what blessings could be in store for this man if he would have just followed him.

I see this as a parallel story for those of us who are working recovery and our significant others (or addicts/alcoholics) are choosing a different path. My AH is choosing non-recovery, that is his choice. I can choose to focus on me and my own recovery and if he wants to turn around and join me, that's his choice too.

Jesus understood that humans have free will so he let the man be. I have chosen to let my AH be, too. My AH is where God wants him today and I must accept that if I am going to find peace and happiness in my own life. You can find the same thing, too. Accept your husband for who he is today, not for who you want him to be or for who he was before you married. I'm still working on it in many ways, but I find that acceptance is easier when I take the focus off of him and put it back on my own journey. HUGS!
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:25 AM
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No....you're not crazy. However, you may be traumatized. Alcoholism/addiction left me traumatized.

When I first started dating after divorcing my XAH (whom I loved but knew my life with him would not improve as he was unwilling to admit he had a problem), I made some ghastly mistakes. But it was part of my learning curve.

I remember kissing one guy I was dating and thinking to myself it was like kissing a bowl of oatmeal. I stopped dating him. He just wasn't right for me. I dated many guys who weren't right for me. I eventually began dating on a referral basis ONLY. lol. I didn't do such a good job of selecting men on my own.

When I first met my current husband (two years after the divorce from my XAH), something clicked (he was a "referral" from a friend). He was patient, kind, had values similar to mine, spoke highly of his family and upbringing, had a great job. Those were some of the attributes I was looking for in a man. We've been married for 28 years. Marriage takes work....but it is much easier when both parties are rowing their "life canoe" in the same direction going with the current in the stream. It doesn't mean we didn't hit some rough water from time to time but our objectives were always focused on paddling in the same direction.

My point......there is life after divorce. We can't force it to happen. My husband came along when I least expected him to......I was fiercely independent and that was what he loved about me. It was not threatening to his manhood. I, like you, felt that marriage is a forever thing.....and it can be......with the right partner.

Sometimes the fear of the unknown can keep us paralyzed.

No.....you are definitely not crazy.....just working through your stuff in your own time.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:28 AM
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I'm so sorry. But you are right, there is nothing you can do or say to change him. Prayers your way.
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:14 AM
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I LOVE my husband.
Alas, love won't change him, get him sober and back with you and your children. I felt the same way when I separated from the A and thanks to Alanon I realized the problem was I didn't love myself. I also saw that while I loved him I didn't trust or respect him ... aren't these things supposed to be part of love? It's a very tough time, I know. I got through it with the support of Alanon, it saved my sanity. God bless.....
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:30 AM
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You love who your husband usto be. He is not that same person anymore. I agree with the above post, allow yourself to grieve and move on from it. And no, you cannot blame an affair on alcoholism. The person who had the affair and has had children removed from their care is who he is now. Accepting that and letting yourself move through those stages of grief will help you. You will move on from it. I understand, I am a person who always wants to just jump in and get it over with. Life just does not work that way.

Alot of people on this forum have found great strength and peace in meditation and/or yoga.

Give yourself a break, relax and let yourself ride the waves of it all and know eventually you will find land again.

God Bless!
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