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I'm scared...now that its final, im in a panic!

Old 02-25-2014, 11:44 PM
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I'm scared...now that its final, im in a panic!

I have no idea what is wrong with me...never before have I felt this way after ending a relationship. I feel like chasing after him and begging him to stay. It's pathetic and I understand that I hate him more than I love him now, but the fact that it is final...this is the end, I'm panicked. We have had a constant on/off relationship for 2.5 years. It has never been stable. But every time it was over before I somehow knew it wouldn't be the last.
This time, we have moved in and out with each other twice, I have made myself clear that I won't put up with it. I KNOW this is the big one. The end. I have sworn to myself I will cut all contact. But this person has been my only friend for this whole time, everything about our hugely dis functional relationship has had me so focused on him...to the exclusion of anything else...that I have no idea what to do. Who to call. I'm actually scared to go back to being a totally independent single mum again. Although I was for 7 years before I met him. I shouldn't be scared at all!
As he was leaving he said he will be staying in a backpackers hostel for a while as he has no where else to go. He made a dig about how they have free fleas with their beds...that he might take the 2 leather chairs that I offered him as he hasn't got a lounge and he will be able to lay very comfortably on those chairs to watch tv. I know he wants me to feel terrible, that's the aim...but god does it have to hurt this much? I do care about him, I don't want him to be unhappy, I don't want any harm to come to him. However I also really do want this whole scenario to be what wakes him up...I don't want him to die from living this life. Last night when he didn't come home until 11pm I was worried about him...particularly after him being assaulted the other night. He's doing the I want to die talk, which I have never experienced before. Anyway, I will have to suck it up I guess, I just wish it didn't hurt this badly.
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Old 02-26-2014, 12:56 AM
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I am so with you right now, I wish you weren't hurting like this. My ex did the same to me. Pretending like he was looking up homeless shelters on his phone and such, poor thing I was such a meany to tell him he had to go away... Its one last manipulation I think. He probably has somewhere in mind and he is probably fine.
I can't make it feel better, I can't take away the pain for you, but I am going through it too and its literally sucking the life right out of me, I completely understand how you feel and its awful. I shudder to think how it would be if he came back, but then since he has not and has dropped off the planet far as I know, its KILLING ME. So...its a catch 22. I want him gone, but I want the old him with me. Its the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, and I honestly have no clue what I am doing. Whole days pass and I realize I have accomplished nothing. Other days I am rushing about trying to keep busy and not think. I dunno why I cannot get past him, I dunno what it is about him that has me so hooked, it is clear I am better off without him. Yesterday I was painting and I swear I smelled him. I have no idea why or what, but I just stood stock still for a few minutes, trying to catch it again. The yearning in me was so damn strong. And then I snapped back to reality and thought, oh god, just what would I do with him if he was here? Like it would magically be better...it would be a nightmare. So I dunno what it is. I don't understand it at all.
The finality of it is scary, but I don't think its because you are alone, maybe its because suddenly all of this is out of your control, (not that it was in control before) but now its up to him to get clean. All you can do is let go and no longer try to fix or help, etc. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels, those deep belly racking sobs. When you cry and there are no tears left, and your head hurts, your sinuses are all clogged, and you feel like a limp dishrag after crying so much. The numbness where you just cannot think anymore, and so you sit, empty and lost. But, I know, from my own hurting, that it does slowly ease. It never fades, least mine hasn't, but the moments where you can breathe and set your mind to other things do grow more frequent. Right now you don't have to DO anything. You don't have to talk to anyone, no need to rush out and pile up the friends. Sometimes after the storm we have to just take a little bit to clear our head. It really really really helps to write, for me anyway. Sometimes I don't even properly write, I just write stream of consciousness. Sit down and just write the words you are feeling. Don't worry about full sentences even, just write what is in your head. Its very therapeutic. Later on, you will read it back and see yourself making progress. Nothing is wrong with you, you are human. Don't fight the tears, they really do help.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:06 AM
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Brolynbub you are not alone, I and I'm sure many others here have felt the exact way and I'm sorry to say it doesn't go away overnight! BUT it does eventually and when it does boy does it awaken some strange feelings in you!

It's been six months no see for me and mostly I am elated that I am no longer with my A but I still have the tough times when I think and get upset! However, I have realised that this is good as its all part of my healing.

This weekend was a long one for me, I had two days off so four in all and I spent them completely alone with just my dogs! It was a revelation for me as I have previously been terrified of being alone on the weekend, but guess what, I had fun!

Like you I was a single parent and a strong independent one at that. You will manage again being on your own because us single mothers are tough cookies and we love our children too much not to cope!

Your A will be fine, it's his responsibility to make sure of that, not yours! And ignore the self pity, it's something they are good at but strangely struggle to find any sympathy or empathy for anyone else. You must focus on you, worry about yourself, you can't save him no matter how hard you try.

It will hurt, it's only natural but you have made a start in dealing with it, ride the waves and hang in there, we are all here to support you.

Hugs and take care x x
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:10 AM
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as we grow older we start to realize
just because we love someone does not mean
that we have to spend our lives with them
actually we may in some way still
love many in our past
yet -- we are grateful that we are not married to them or living with them today

Mountainman
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:11 AM
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Ofelie I have just read your post too. I totally understand! I thought I couldn't go on without my A, it felt like my heart had been ripped out. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and barely functioned.
I have no magic wand to help you, for me it was just time, doing what I needed to do when I needed to, reading, talking, keeping busy. There are still odd moments for me but they are very few and far between.
Just give it time and be gentle on yourself. And keep coming here, the support is amazing.
Wish I could take the pain away for you ladies but your inner strength will do that for you in time.
Sending you both hugs. Be gentle with yourselves.
X
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Old 02-26-2014, 02:02 AM
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You will feel better in time Hugs xxx
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:34 AM
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and why is it this full grown man is choosing a backpackers hostel instead of getting his own place? is he not capable of earning an income and paying rent? meanwhile his only concern seems to be taking a couple chairs so he can watch tv??????
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:44 AM
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He will take the chairs and pawn or sell them for booze money.

Consider the source. . . .you are well rid of this guy B. Hang tough.
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Old 02-26-2014, 07:50 AM
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has been my only friend for this whole time<--This is hurting you. With good friends, comes strength and support. Now I know you like people. I bet a lot of people like you! So get out there, call old friends, make new friends, join al anon if you want to meet people who understand what alcoholism did to you, join a book club, a health club, a cooking class, a film buff group, a gardening group--what are your interests?
You need friends, and they are good for you!
Stop isolating. Stop robbing yourself of enjoying life and friendships. That's part of getting mentally healthy again, moving on beyond him, and finding joy in life again. It's all good for you! It's difficult to create a life again, it feels tough especially at the beginning, but you can do it. With friendships you won't feel such panic because you will have other people that bring joy to your life. Then this one person isn't so important, and over time will become not important at all !
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Old 02-26-2014, 08:14 AM
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I agree with Anvil.

The comforts of home are earned.

His life choices have brought him to this day.

allow him to feel his consequences.

You have nothing to feel bad about, you did NOT cause this.

Stay focused, and strong!
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Old 02-26-2014, 08:38 AM
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Stay strong Honey!
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Old 02-26-2014, 09:47 AM
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This is codependency ... alcoholics are addicted to booze and we're obsessed with them. Have you tried Alanon? It can save your sanity.
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