Mellybug

I'm sorry I was absent for a couple of days - but here's the skinny:

Friday evening I started to feel a cold coming on, and my ABF decided for the FIRST TIME in 5 months to stay home with me. I ended up going to bed early (still in the spare bedroom since our big fight the week before).

I looked at a place Saturday morning - and it's perfect! I agreed to it after walking through it about 4 times...and FINALLY started to get excited about my "new life". When I got home, my ABF was being very sweet and loving...so I was afraid to say anything about my new place. I figured I'd wait until the 'time was right'.

Sunday - at 1:00 he decides he's going to a friend's house to watch the race. I hear from him 8 hours later that he "should have contacted me earlier, sorry. Be home soon." I replied, "Going to bed"...and at 10:00 I did. Monday - I pay first month's rent, make arrangements for utilities, pick up keys, etc. I come home to a message from a friend, "Hey, I saw your man out and about last night - where were you? We miss your smile!" Upon further discussion it comes out that my ABF was there with a "small blond who seemed very interested in him and it was obvious something was going on. Other people thought so, too."

I haven't said anything to my ABF about either the new apartment or the "mystery blond". He's cheated on me before - more than once (although it was the same gal). I guess I don't even care anymore. I thought I wanted to try to continue to work on us after I left, but now I just don't know. Probably not.

So, there it is. I've arranged to move my stuff out tomorrow while my ABF is at Pool League...he'll come home to an empty house and a note...

myfreedom

Good for you Mellybug!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Melly---I and certain that you are saving yourself from a bunch of pain,down the road


Short-term pain for Long-term gain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations.

steelman1649

YOU made it happen. Keep it up!

9111111

A lot of great change! Congrats on moving forward and enjoy the new space!

Mellybug

I'm trying...it's tough!

I'm running the gauntlet of pain, anger, resentment, joy, anticipation, fear, anxiety, grief, sorrow, EXCITEMENT, wonder...constantly.

Life free of this turmoil? YES!!! Finally!!!

Life without the love I've dreamed of for the past 4 years? Ummm...yes....finally...but it was just that - a "dream". Time to wake up and face the REAL world. This man I've been flirting with the idea of being with for 4 years - the REALITY is that even though we do LOVE each other, we live in two very different worlds. I cherish the lessons that he has taught me.

The biggest of which is that I am worth MORE than this. I do not deserve to be treated this way. I must make MYSELF my biggest priority...

I'm so excited to be finally living on my own again. Instead of the fear this once used to cause me I feel nothing but happiness. I can't wait to decorate the way I want to. I can't wait to develop my own routine. I can wait to see what my days/evenings/weekends will be like. I know that once I rip this bandaid off, which will undoubtedly be very painful, I will find that the would has already started to heal and what is underneath will be brand new skin!

Lyssy

I assume that you (as a couple) don't own a house? I ask, not to be judgmental, but I am getting ready to go through the same thing and I am struggling on how to handle.

In my "ideal" world we would sit down and discuss everything and be adults who can negotiate and compromise, but then again, he is an addict (r)AH - sober 1 year. I just don't know so I am trying to weigh my options and prepare mentally for any scenario.



Congratulations on your new place and your new freedom. Hoping to be there soon.

Mellybug

No, we don't own a house together. I moved in last October because he was literally weeks away from going into foreclosure. He had lost his job and was struggling really bad financially. I didn't feel ready to move in, but I did it to "help him out"...

Now that he has a good job that is doing well and seems to be financially on his feet again, I think it's time to go back to working on myself...like I was doing before we moved in.

Once I was able to actually sit down and have that discussion with him like an adult (with negotiation and compromise) I realized that he isn't willing to negotiate OR compromise. He wants things THIS way, and THAT'S the way the should be. Not that he's a monster, mind you. But it's just not good for us to be in this situation together anymore.

Hawkeye13

Great job Mellybug!

Enjoy your new space and freedom
You made it happen for yourself. Be proud!

readerbaby71

Exciting! Good move. You should be proud of yourself for taking swift action. Good luck to you.....xoxoxo

JustAGirl1971

Way to go, Melly!! My AH has been gone a little over a week and I can relate to the mix of emotions that you mentioned above. Some days (nights mostly) are harder than others, but I'm finding that the more I focus on myself, my children, and moving forward, the greater the joy, anticipation, wonder & excitement and the less pain, anger, resentment, anxiety, grief, and sorrow that I feel. I think you'll find the same. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't let yourself focus too much on the negatives. I allow myself some time to wallow each day but the rest of the day I focus on the positives. Overall, I feel good. I hope it's the same for you

fedup3

Congrats Melly! You have a whole new world in front of you.

hopeful4

Good for you, welcome to your new life of peace and happiness!

Sungrl

The blonde can keep him! You are on to bigger and better things. Good Luck!

lillamy

And expect that to continue for a while. But I can promise you that once you're out of his house and in your own place, the positive emotions will blow you away. Heck, I was delirious scrubbing floors and stocking the dishwasher in my crappy little apartment after I moved out. Because it was mine and the hellhound was out of my life!!!

honeypig

Melly, so happy for you! Great steps, giant leaps forward!

Wishing you all the best, and please do keep us updated. It's always so inspiring to hear from someone who's doing well.

Brindie

Well done Melly! You will go through all sorts of feelings, but most of all, you will find calm, peace and release from the constant craziness. Here I am, 5 weeks on now from where you are now and your story reminds me of the nerves the night before leaving. But that sense of relief as I drove away is one of the strongest memories I carry with me. Be safe, be kind to yourself, and keep us posted. You go gal!

Mellybug

HAHA!

I went to drop off a couple of tubs of things yesterday, pick up the key and pay my first month. I just dropped to my knees in the kitchen and started scrubbing the floors, the doors of the cabinets, the drip pans on the stove....things I've been so resentful of doing at home! EVEN THOUGH THIS WASN'T MY MESS, EITHER, but left over by the previous tenant - this is going to be MY place...and I wanted to put my energy into cleaning it. The gal I'm leasing it from said she would clean some more and I told her not to bother....I will enjoy cleaning it and putting love into every corner as I sweep out cobwebs (did that, too), scrub floors, vacuum, dust, etc. I'm not just scrubbing the dirt from the previous tenants out of this place, I'm scrubbing the dirt from my previous relationship out of my soul. The two of us, me and my shabby little apartment, are going to make this a cozy little home.

Yes, it's a bit of a shabby apartment - a HUGE down-step from what I've been used to living here with my ABF...but at the same time, it's going to be a huge emotional UPGRADE! You can wrap up a turd with a pretty bow and it's still a turd.

I just have to get through the difficult discussion tonight letting my ABF know I'm moving out. My best friend suggested that I let him know that I'm not rejecting HIM, but reiterate that we BOTH know I moved in too soon and for the wrong reasons, and that we've both been so distracted by the day-to-day stuff that we haven't had time to really build a foundation for ourselves that we can build a solid relationship on. By moving to my own place, we can decide whether we'd like to try to reconnect in that relationship, or decide to move on. I'll mention the rumor about the "mystery blond", and let HIM make the decision. I'm willing to continue to have him in my life - but only if I have MY space with MY bills and MY crap to deal with. I can't be dragged into his sphere anymore.

This is the best I can do for now. Tomorrow I may feel differently. Heck, he may tell me to get my stuff and get out now. Who knows? I'm prepared for that as well. Either way - I'll be in a new place starting a new chapter.

Stung

Great job, Mellybug! You're on your way to having a peaceful home again. I'm so very excited for you!!

JustAGirl1971

I love this, Mellybug. When I'm whining to myself about cleaning this weekend, I will remind myself that I'm scrubbing the dirt from my marriage out of my soul

I hope everything goes smoothly tonight and your move is easy tomorrow!