Thought I knew what I wanted to say
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
I know at this moment you will feel a thousand conflicted emotions. Ride them like a wave, just let them sort of wash over you, don't fight it, don't try to think too much about each as it hits you, though telling you that is like telling you not to breathe. My uncle killed himself in 2001, every time I talked him down, tried to talk him into letting me have the gun it left a sickening hollow feeling in my gut, because it could easily go a hundred different ways until one day he shot himself.... and it left such long reaching consequences in the family, we are all still feeling it today. I simply cannot imagine how it would be if he had also been an addict. It is senseless, and selfish (not to speak ill of him, not at all), its tragic, its hopeless, its gutwrenching and awful. You must be reeling honey, I cannot even fathom what you are feeling right now. Its so very difficult to handle the loss of these loved ones, when we lose them to the addiction, and force ourselves to walk away (as you had planned with planning divorce) but this way seems impossibly tragic, senselessly useless, as suicide always is. You should take some time to just be, right now. Just be. Don't you dare blame yourself honey, you did the right thing by getting yourself safe. Otherwise you would have ended up there next to him. I just want you to know I am thankful that you are safe, alive, and that you are here, with us.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello grief, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. No one should have to live with the kind of terror in which you have been living, and yet no one should have to lose someone that way either!!
Please know that your feelings are valid even if conflicted. The grief is perfectly understandable, but so is the relief. This is what alcoholism does to families....and it is so sad.
You and your family will be in my prayers!
Please know that your feelings are valid even if conflicted. The grief is perfectly understandable, but so is the relief. This is what alcoholism does to families....and it is so sad.
You and your family will be in my prayers!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
(((((((((So sorry)))))))))))))))
Originally Posted by Grief 
My AH took his own life on Friday. He did it very violently in our home. 
I desperately wanted to escape the trap of our marriage, but my grief is intense. I just never, ever believed he would follow through on his frequent drunken threats to kill me and kill himself. When I fled to the neighbor's house, I fully expected the oft repeated scenario of deputies hauling him out and carting him off to jail.
It's terrible how much I miss him and how relieved I am that he is gone, all at the same time. Intellectually, I know I'm not responsible, but I FEEL responsible. You know?
He'd had good news about a job, but I think he knew I was finally ready to divorce him, he felt I didn't love him. He was angry, scared and very, very drunk.
Where there's life, there's hope. With a divorce, there would still have been hope for him - and I would have always been hoping for a somehow happy ending for us. Where there is death there is just waste, regrets and grief.
I do believe he is in the arms of the Lord and all his pain is forgotten in his joy. So. I guess I just wanted to tell you because you're the only ones who will fully understand. Thank you.
I desperately wanted to escape the trap of our marriage, but my grief is intense. I just never, ever believed he would follow through on his frequent drunken threats to kill me and kill himself. When I fled to the neighbor's house, I fully expected the oft repeated scenario of deputies hauling him out and carting him off to jail.
It's terrible how much I miss him and how relieved I am that he is gone, all at the same time. Intellectually, I know I'm not responsible, but I FEEL responsible. You know?
He'd had good news about a job, but I think he knew I was finally ready to divorce him, he felt I didn't love him. He was angry, scared and very, very drunk.
Where there's life, there's hope. With a divorce, there would still have been hope for him - and I would have always been hoping for a somehow happy ending for us. Where there is death there is just waste, regrets and grief.
I do believe he is in the arms of the Lord and all his pain is forgotten in his joy. So. I guess I just wanted to tell you because you're the only ones who will fully understand. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I am so sorry for your loss. I know I have been there as well wishing to escape the marriage and wishing my AH would just pass to make it all easier to handle. I worry about the same thing happening with my AH, especially now that I'm ready to divorce him. I also know that if it did, I would feel just as you are...sad and partly responsible. There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better. Just know you are not alone. Take time to grieve, who he was and who he could have been. You are not in any way shape or form responsible. Alcoholism is responsible. You didn't cause it, couldn't cure it and couldn't control it. I'm so sorry for your loss, hugs to you in this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I am so very sorry for your pain and grief. I have 2 friends in Al Anon who lost their spouses to the addiction but it was overdose related. They, too, felt that it was their fault and felt that they should have done 'something'. One good friend of mine(she was actually my son's math tutor at the time too) found a wonderful grief support group that carried her through the first year or so. She truly found the support she needed there just as much as she did from the Al Anon groups.
Hugs and loving support coming your way. I'm so sorry.
Hugs and loving support coming your way. I'm so sorry.
Prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even image all you have been going through up to this point. You are not at fault, you did not cause this. While we hope and pray with all of our might, some addicts have no bottom.
I am praying for peace and understanding for you. I am so glad you found us and hope you feel free to post here anytime. You are not alone.
Tight Hugs. God Bless.
I am praying for peace and understanding for you. I am so glad you found us and hope you feel free to post here anytime. You are not alone.
Tight Hugs. God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
((((hugs))))
That feeling of "what could I have done to prevent this?" is horrid. A close family member committed suicide when I was a teen, and it had a monumental impact on everyone.
I don't know how to say this gently without sounding like a complete insensitive jerk, but... you are alive. You are safe. He didn't manage to take you with him. You may grieve for a long time, but you are alive to do it. And don't feel guilty for the relief that's mixed in. Take care of yourself.
That feeling of "what could I have done to prevent this?" is horrid. A close family member committed suicide when I was a teen, and it had a monumental impact on everyone.
I don't know how to say this gently without sounding like a complete insensitive jerk, but... you are alive. You are safe. He didn't manage to take you with him. You may grieve for a long time, but you are alive to do it. And don't feel guilty for the relief that's mixed in. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Sending love and prayers your way.
It is so tragically sad...I know words can't do it justice. And that huge ball of intertwined feelings must be confusing as heck. I'm so sorry.
Lillamy is right---You. Are. Safe. Today, and tomorrow. And don't for a second allow yourself guilt or blame please. You had to leave that night. It was absolutely the right thing to do. Your family might have lost you too, and your life is also precious. You saved as many people as you could that night. We all wish we had superpowers and could do more for our loved ones. We can't.
Grieve. It takes time. But love and honor yourself along the way. And come back whenever you need support. People here understand.
Hugs and prayers.
It is so tragically sad...I know words can't do it justice. And that huge ball of intertwined feelings must be confusing as heck. I'm so sorry.
Lillamy is right---You. Are. Safe. Today, and tomorrow. And don't for a second allow yourself guilt or blame please. You had to leave that night. It was absolutely the right thing to do. Your family might have lost you too, and your life is also precious. You saved as many people as you could that night. We all wish we had superpowers and could do more for our loved ones. We can't.
Grieve. It takes time. But love and honor yourself along the way. And come back whenever you need support. People here understand.
Hugs and prayers.
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